Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

And have one of those un-mn-y ((hugs))

The 2 men who have caused the most problems in my life were prostitute-using, stripper-ogling saddo's.

Please don't make excuses for him Lady H.

OMG!!
My heart goes out 2 u but how can u ever trust him ever again??!! It will always b in the back of ur mind if he goes out with his so called mates.
Was this the 1st time?? U deserve 2b treated a lot better than that hunni x

Jesus OP.

This man seriously is not the that you are claiming him to be.

To be honest I'd be likely to be more forgiving if he had met a woman in a bar and got frisky and it ending with a blow job. A woman he had chatted and flirted with(not that I would accept this either) than the pre planning involved in going to a brothel!i. It was hardly an accident!

How old is this man? His mates sound shocking all cheating and whoring. Wow. Lovely blokes. I'd be seriously worried if my dp socialised with men like this. And I'd be even more worried that he considered men like this to be good company? A married man planning a child doesn't generally behave this way surely?

Do you go out socially with these blokes and their partners?

If you are gonna stay with your dh I'd say you need him to never ever socialise with these mates again. Something I'd never be happy telling my dp to be honest. If I had to point out that behaviour like this wasn't right and him not relaising would make me seriously worry. The alternative is the fact your dh could make sure he has the bollocks to say no when his 'friends' try and rope him into cheating or behaving like this. That doesn't seem a likely option though.

I'd be inclined to think that he has done this or similar before, or he certainly will again, maybe not for a long time, but at some point. And next time I guess he will keep it secret.

How are you today OP? Have you spoken more to your DH yet?

I have no idea if he is telling the truth or not but I think I would try to get more of the story out of him.

Something I have done before is make out that I won't be angry about it but I need to know everything before moving on (good acting required) he then felt ok to let more info slip. You can say it like you already know there is more, "you have had full sex with a prostitute but I want to know how many times". He may then say "yes but only once" etc.

It's worked for me anyway.

Which STD he tests positive for will give you a clue as well as some you can't catch by oral alone, like chlamydia.

A nightmare for you OP.
But I doubt that he has confessed for any other reason that that he already knows that he's caught something or he told you before someone else did.
It's disgusting and you deserve so much better than this.
Don't even THINK about sleeping with him anytime soon. The 'window' for HIV infections to show up in a blood test is three months so a negative test today doesn't mean that he hasn't been infected.
This is not something that I would forgive. This is not the sort of man that I would want to spend my life with. It is devastating for you but a line has been so far crossed that I wouldn't advise ANY woman to stay.

You can judge a person by the company they keep. And that's putting the very best slant on this.

So sorry to say this, but I agree with all those who say there's more to this than he's telling you. But not sure how you'd get it out of him.

In your shoes OP I would be ringing around the wives. The only person you need to protect here is yourself. Maybe some of them would be comfortable with that kind of behaviour, maybe some of them know what's been going on and will talk to you about it. Where he stays, who he sees, where they go....

Forgive once- he's a fool. Forgive twice- you're the fool!

Marriage is meant to be for better or worse and I admire your resolve to try and save your relationship. You know your husband and you know yourself and how this is likely to effect the both of you. I think lots of men get out with the lads and engage in behaviour they shouldn't... this doesn't make it right but it sometimes happens and yes most of it is kept secret.

You have made up your mind to try and work through this so stick to that, it's a brave thing to do. However, think carefully about how this changes things for you now. Will you still feel happy for him to have regular overnight stays with the lads... realistically I wouldn't and he only has himself to blame for that!

Your relationship will change because of this but he did tell you and that shows he cares. Work out exactly what you want from him now and make him stick to it. put the babyplans on hold and see how things go. He has caused this damage so he will have to work hard at putting it right. tell him, you woudl rather know the full extent of what happened and no more lies.

Good luck and I hope it works out.... but please.... don't forgive again! Once is more than enough! I don't know how all those WAGS continually forgive their men... after teh first time it looks weak!

Bets of luck! ;-)

So many posts to try to respond to!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange is probably right - I'm being understanding because I cheated on him once, when drunk, just before we moved in together. I never owned up, but I feel it changed our sexual relationship for a long time after - the knowledge that I'd been unfaithful was at the back of my mind every time we made love. I now do not put myself in situations where I get drunk and I might be flattered by someone's attentions. (I know myself and my character flaws) So, I suppose, my initial thoughts have all been based around this.

I?m only now starting to think other things through. This is VERY different to a drunken fumble in a bar.

We've talked some more last night. Unfortunately he isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Round, and round again I'm getting "I was drunk", "other people do it and get away with it". I'm most worried that he doesn't view it as cheating. Because I want a reason/answer to why now - I'm not sure if I put words into his mouth, but he alluded to the problems he's been having at work as to a reason why (I can't believe the problem is me, we had what I thought was a great relationship). I?ve told him how disappointed I am with him, how I now can?t believe anything he says, how I believed all the things he told me about not being interested in all that. He had nerve to say he?s just a bloke after all... but that kinda means I can never believe any of the romantic stuff he ever tells me :(

I hadn?t really questioned the hotel thing before, it was explained to me as just being cheaper than a cab to his mates homes, and closer to the train station home the next morning. Although now I come to think of it, he often booked without telling me, which he might have done so it allowed him to go back without inviting me to arrange a night out with the girls at same time? I could have stayed in same hotel. PS ? Although his mates wives are nice, we never really hit it off because when we first met as I'm younger than them, and nothing in common, so "the boys" always met up seperately from their girlfriends

I have been concentrating on the fact that he?s really upset - if it?s been happening for a while, why is he so upset this time? I hope its because its the first time it happened. He is really worried about STD's, particularly HIV, because she used something behind his balls/near anus to make him get it up. (He's very naive about STIs BTW - his Catholic School did not have any sort of sex ed) His appointment is at clinic is today, hopefully that will put his mind at rest, so I can work out whether he?s actually upset about the effect his actions are having on our relationship.

Tinker/CarmenE - you're right. How am I going to "let" him out again? I'm not looking forward to being painted as the nightmare wife who stops her husband going out! I suppose that's the downside of everyone not finding out the reason...

Thanks MaggieM for understanding that I can't walk out of a marriage at whats being presented as first sign of trouble. He can have a second chance, but he already knows his actions have changed so much about how I think of him...

There's going to have to be a hell of alot more talking over next few days/weeks. I'm going to try pushing him on the facts about past visits home. Believe me, if I find out he's only giving me half a story, and there's more lies behind all this, my attitude is going to change

And he needs to know that. I'm worried by the getting away with it comments tbh, non cheats wouldn't want to get away with anything and he's only told you because he is worried. If he didn't think he'd caught something he would never have told you.

Personally I think you should get checked out just incase, some sti's can affect fertility.

(aside: all that effort, and he didn't come.. I can't help wondering whether he got his money back!)

I'll get my coat.

The not taking responsibility is really worrying.

I wish you all the best x

Him ? Not so much

He is blaming it on 'being a man' and 'it wasn't his fault' and 'he was drunk' and 'he doesn't view this as cheating'!!!!!!

To be honest it doesn't sound like he is upset he has done this at all.

He sounds upset because he has caught something not because he has done this.

Sorry I think he is lying to you thinking he has caught an STI/HIV because she used something behind his balls/near his anus while giving him a BJ. Chances of him catching anything from that area have to be pretty slim unless she was right on his anus, he has broken skin behind his balls and/or the toy wasn't clean.

I would still recommend you getting yourself checked asap and not relying on a man who has mislead you about visiting strip clubs regularly with his mates and who knows what else!

Good luck lady, you sound calmer and more in control.

Disgusted that he is throwing it in your face like this though, he is trying to normalise it by saying he was drunk, everyone does it and trying to make you feel unreasonable for kicking off.

They really don't. I would put out all the guns.." ok husband, if it's normal then you really won't mind me calling x's (mate he was out with) and asking her how she copes with these normal trips out to the brothel, as i can't seem to get my head around it, and neither can the 50 or so women on here.

Yes you cheated at the beginning of a relationship, however when he married you the vow he took was forsaking ALL others....

As for the anus, balls thing...sounds completely dubious to me op, and my husband and i do things that are barely legal.

Please don't let him mug you off....and please get tested. This is the reason he is telling you.

I think it's gradually sinking in. I think Lady will get it once the shock has subsided a little more.

Those excuses?

I think he's very worrying he keeps saying he was drunk, he's only a bloke,etc. Does that mean in the future he will think it's ok to do similar if he's drunk, or it's what blokes do isn,t it?

I'd also be very suspicious that there is a lot more going on than what he's saying. A trip to a different town without you which includes an overnight stay every six weeks screams that he's got another woman on the go rather than a prostitute. This would in my mind also explain his concern about std more. Prostitutes are normally very canny about insisting on condoms,etc. A regular bit on the side less so.

I would definitely get down the STD clinic and get yourself checked. In your position I would find a solicitor, sell the house, get divorced and move on. Sorry op, better you find out now he,s a shit than in five years time with a couple of kids.

And don't think he isn't clued up about STD as he went to a catholic school. Believe me if he was unsure he'll have talked to mates, googled, etc.

Btw, can you check his computer history? May be interesting.

Please also remind him that prostitution is illegal in the UK.

Where are the blame boundaries for getting drunk then...surely that makes a host of other illegal activites ok...getting in a car and driving into a pensioner etc etc...

He can't see the harm because he and his mates are looking at this woman like a commodity, a tin of beans or whatever and he is trying to compartmentalise it into something meaningless.

And he pulls the catholic card as and when he needs to doesn't he? Why not suggest a family intervention to get him through? I'm sure if everyone does it his mum, dad, priest, manager etc would be fine with getting it all out on the table,no?

we are talking to the hand, ladies

Op has made her mind up

love, if it all goes pear-shaped, come back to us, we will help you through it

AF, I am an eternal optimist.

I still think OP has an epiphany to come, she hasn't processed any of this yet. I have hope that she will see what we all see.

That mid-20s with the jealous DP? Who funny enough quoted this thread? She's coming round slowly I think too! Thanks to you and some very lovely others. I was in tears yesterday thinking we'd lost her. Today I see she is still posting. There is still hope.

It's hard to have a thread and take a lot of people with strong opinions attacking the P in your life. No matter how awful these P's are.

It just fucks me off anyfucker that the pain and shame sits on the womans shoulders. I've been through something similar personally, and felt it brought shame on me personally and covered it all up. She will never be the same again, a little piece of you just dies. Then years later your partner is calling you a hardface cow.

He will walk away with a prescription, a smirk and a great story to tell the lads on their next shagfest.

Nowadays i'd be on the phone to the other wives....

So sorry you mean so little to your dh op.

yes, yes ladies, I know I know

which is why a strategic withdrawal at this point is prudent

continuing to slag her (horrible) partner off will just push Op away

she needs a way back in, yes?

I am getting wiser in my old age, MN-age and otherwise (and less reactionary, I hope)

sorry Op, to talk about you as if you were not here

just us trying to find the best way to help you x

not saying anyone else is being too reactionary, btw

and I think OP isn't being reactionary enough

but hey-ho

thankfully, it's not me that has to look at his mug over the breakfast table every morning