Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I would feel that we could move on because he came to you with the information. However:

I would not allow him to socialise ever again with his old friends (they sound worse than him)
I would not ever allow him to strip clubs again
I would make it very clear that you have considered this as cheating on you and that he has a lot of trust to earn back.

I he makes it up to you - what he did was shit and disgusting and you deserve better.

I wanted to add I read the OP and thought this was an old thread, because I remembered one where the DH "got a blow job from a prostitute but didn't come" . . . then I saw it was a new thread.

So it's not an old thread but perhaps it's just an old, old story the DHs tell ...

OP, how is somehow "OK" because the whole doesn't now about this

well, for a start, it seems the kind of guy your H is, and the inadequate twats he hangs out with, would boast about something like this

also, you know (but i don't think you know the half of it)

isn't that enough ?

Prostitutes usually use a condom for a BJ unless paid extra and requested not to do so (I do not know this from personal experience by the way).
Pissed is no excuse -they looked for the brothel for 'ages' so this was planned.
Most men find themselves in situations like this very rarely (stag nights, boys weekends etc). As a group you end up in a strip bar/lap dancing club or whatever -and if most were being truthful it is not where they want to be -the collective bravado makes all the decisions and wins the day.
For me it is easy to spot the ones who frequent them more often -you can just see it in their faces -they love the whole situation and are first to get the wallet out. When abroad it is very easy to take it further and you always get a split in the group (back to the bars or down the red light district etc).
To actually know where the brothels are in the UK takes a bit of planning (depending on which town) unlike abroad where most cities have a defined zone so to speak.
And he goes for a 'sleepover' at his friends every 6 weeks. I just would be suspicious of what he has actually told you so far as it does not sound like it was everything.
Sorry -crappy thing to be have found out but better the devil you know.

the whole world doesn't know

So sorry this has happened to you and the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. You must be numb and nauseous.

A couple of things really stand out here though and nearly everyone has picked up on them:

He was at a strip club, which he had been to before but not told you about - so yes he is very capable of lying, and obviously has been lying for some time. This isn't out of the blue...

He was out with one friend? That's not exactly group frenzy on a boys stag in Prague (not that it's forgiveable but the egging on etc is common) - so they both sat and discussed it and formed a plan.

They walked around for ages looking for a brothel - so there was intention.

He went in alone - so no excuse that he went in to talk a mate out, just sit there and wait for the skanky mate etc - he made up his own mind to go and perform a sexual act for money. (to further solidify this why not check the bank balance and withdrawals for that evening. Chances are he was sober enough to calculate the cost and stop for a cash withdrawal).

On these "boys" weekends home, he books a hotel? He can't sleep on a mates sofa or floor, or spare room because? He brings back women, his mates bring back women, he wants to do something that he doesn't want his mates wives to hear about. So these are planned activities too?

He told you the "truth". Either because he's got an itchy penis which is turning into genital herpes, and has to fess up, or is he worried that one of his mates wives found out and is going to fess? It all sounds a little odd, but if he feeds you a slightly shameful story that's forgiveable with time then he has a chance of making it all die down after a while, and hope you never find out the full truth.

You can get an std from bjs - if the sex worker in question has oral herpes. Which sounds to me like a street worker type, if she was willing to bj without a condom for a little more risk money. If that was the case, then please remember that some of these women are even more vunerable, does that make you feel proud of your rock?

So..still convinced?

The ball is now entirely in your court.

Only you know if you can ever trust this man again.

You will need counselling as a couple.

You both sound as if you need to stop drinking.

You as an individual will need screening for STD's. I am so sorry on your behalf that he has caused you this suffering, pain, embarrassment and possible disease.

If you are going to make it through i can't see how he can upkeep these childish friendships and your relationship. Something will have to give.

You will have to look at him everyday and wonder what he is thinking.

You will have to make him appear a proper "man" again in your eyes, so that your friends and family respect him, and your prospective children do too.

If you still plan future family (if you ever get that far) you will have to have sex with him and give yourself unconditionally, if you can do that.

If you have children, and you go off sex for a bit, as we all may have experienced, will he look to the brothel, or put pressure on you to do things to stop him looking elsewhere, putting the power firmly on his shoulders?

When he closes the door and leaves you will have to trust that he is doing what he says he is all of the time, as the only other options, as many of us on here know, is a slow churning insanity.

Does he still look like your rock now?

Does the other guy's wife know?

Either way for a little time he needs to sleep in the spare room to give you time to make your own decisions. I hope you find some peace, this is just awful.

He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

Sorry I am with many of the other posters. I think a whole lot more goes on every six weeks, he or one of his mates has been rumbled by one of their wives, or he has an infection and all hell is about to break lose.

So he is attempting to minimise the damage before the shit hits.

I find it very hard to believe he has just openly and honestly told you everything that has happened.

I would recommend that you go and get yourself completely checked as he has proved he is not to be trusted.

Sorry.

Sorry my love but my gut reaction is that the story isn't true and it's likely to be worse than he has said... I have had a very sincere sobbing apology from an ex-partner and whilst the fear and remorse he felt was true, the story definitely wasn't. That's what's confusing about it all isn't it? you know he's being honest with his emotions but you have to be very clinical about the facts i'm afraid.

The six-weekly trips to hotels are... well, a massive warning sign. Not normal. He's up to something is my thought, and has been for a while.

It's horrible to have your world view and expectations so massively smashed, i know. It's like a bereavement - even if only the story he's told you is true, you need lots of time and TLC to get through it and work out how your future is going to look now.

Get tested for STDs.
Make some mental space so you can deal with this.
Get some support my darling - you need RL friends/supporters who are on your side no matter what, whoever they are. I was saved by a distant friend I hadn't seen for ages who unexpectedly found herself in the same situation and we dragged each other through it.

op at the very least give him a very tough time. do not cave! otherwise he will have no respect for you.

Also I'm worried about the not telling friends thing, from my own experience it's because you don't want to face the truth, or in fact perhaps face up to the consequences. Because you are afraid that if you tell people they will tell you what you don't want to know.

However also not a good idea to tell everyone and indeed to pick a friend that you think can deal with it.

Binfull, has said it all really!
His confession is a damage limitation job.
What is amiss in your relationship that he feels the need to break loose every six weeks?
Why is he staying in a hotel????????

Think long and hard you only have the edited version I fear

Oh and if a man is disgusted, or turned off sexually...well he doesn't get a hard on does he?

How can you have a blow job without an erection?

I'm so sorry OP it must be awful to have heard this especially when you thought you'd chosen a reliable one.

Unfortunately, I agree with almost every other poster here. This is the tip of the iceberg, he most likely has caught something from using prostitutes (yes, on multiple occasions and for more than oral sex) and is afraid that you will find out that way and/or a friend's wife has found out and he is scared she will tell you too.

You MUST go to the GUM clinic ASAP and insist that he go too, in the meantime abstain from any sexual activity.

Op I'm going to ask you to think about this in a different way, do you think you are being too understanding knowing the things you have got up to when drunk?

This makes me feel a little ill to be honest.. he walked around for some time looking for some back street brothel and then went inside and at LEAST got a blow job off some woman, possibly some poor woman who does this sort of work out of desperation.. and he knows his "mates" regularly use prostitutes.. urg.

This goes beyond a bit of peer pressure (that would be going to a strip club maybe, NOT sticking his dick in someone) or even a drunken snog in a club or something. It's a deliberate act.

If I found out my DP did this sort of thing I'd feel sick to the stomach and would never be able to trust him again.. just the thought of him PAYING a woman for sex.. regardless of the circumstances of that woman (who let's face it is most likely in rather dire circumstances) is enough to drive me mad. It's up to you what you do with this information though.. Good luck.

If you are going to move on.....I think he needs to spill what really happened - if he is riddled with guilt this might be easy if you say you will forgive him whatever....

I'd rather know - whatEVER the truth is and frankly i donot believe what he says....she'd be a pretty rubbish whore....

I think guilt is not all he's riddled with, by the sound of it. I don't fancy googling it before my dinner, but you can catch a lot more than herpes from oral sex. Syphilis, for a start, which is on the rise. I also agree with the posters that the hotel room every six weeks points to regular use of "escorts" and prostitutes. It sounds like his mates treat your husband's arrival in town as an opportunity to go out shagging too. The whole thing is too sleazy for words.

I really think you have to be prepared for the fact there is more to this than what he has told you, and decide where your line in the sand is. I think that you will believe what you want to for a while though, as you aren't ready to call time yet. But good luck when you do.

I agree with the comment earlier about men needing to plan it more in the uk. Much more likely to happen abroad on stag do's etc but in the uk you would have to know where on is and then actually make that decision to cross the line. For someone who has never done that before that would take some bollocks unless he wanted to.

I know someone who went to Amsterdam with 15 lads younger than him. Most were single. Whilst they were all window shopping and giving it the big one, none of them took that final step!

Older guys are more likely to do it. i went on a stag do to Spain and out of the 40 who went at least 10 went with a hooker and all were over 30. Most unfortunately are married.

It's certainly more widespread than you think but most men would never confess.

You might want to check out a few Dan Savage posts and podcasts for a different view, and a different view of sex workers for that matter. (while it's true there are HUGE problems with trafficking etc it's not all sex workers... but that's kind of beside the point). For me it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in and of itself especially if most of the other stuff in your relationship is great. Sex just isn't the only thing. Maybe he can find some other way to keep in touch with these guys that doesn't involve nights over in hotels too, and that would be easier on you?

OP - for god's sake, forget about thinking about having a baby with this man.

I don't know where you live, but where I live, there are notorious areas reserved for prostitutes, and the men in those areas/places just don't end up there by accident. I think the "my mates egged me on" stuff is bull crap. I too think more happened or he's caught something horrible, and feels that he has to 'fess up. If he was mine, I would kick him out, no question. You can't work out what you feel, with him still around. You can't trust him, and he needs to man up and own this - not blame it on his mates - for god's sake, he's not 5 years old!

He may be testing the water - seeing if you'll forgive him for this, and then weighing up if he can push you further...so think about that please. But you hold the cards here - he needs to win you back, and personally, I think that's not possible. So take time, take space and take stock. WHAT DO YOU WANT??

Feel very sad for you op. I have a husband I'm 100pc sure will never cheat & just imagining it makes me feel ill. The best advise I can give is give it time and go with your gut instinct. Make sure he knows (if he is forgiven) that he won't be again. It is possible to get over this but you will both have to be completly honest with each other. Good luck.

A man who is capable of doing that - a premeditated action, going looking for a woman to pay to have sexual contact with - is more than capable of lying to his wife, repeatedly and with the very same premeditation.

Don't blind yourself to this. What this means is that this man isn't the man you thought he was. The first thing you need to do is STOP seeing him as essentially a good man who has made a mistake. He may indeed be that man, but the chances are much higher that he is in fact NOT a good man, but a sleaze who has done this many times before and is now confessing to sexual contact because he has to (infection is my guess, someone close to you could have busted him is another). Think about it - how suss is this story? He goes looking - over a long period of time - it's all quite involved - he doesn't back out, but is struck by guilt as soon as he comes home and confesses all?

This story is very unlikely to be true. I don't think you've heard the half of it yet. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to consider him a walking lie. Check everything he says - for yourself. Dig deeper. Stop having a belief in his good nature as a default setting. He has shown you at least a part of who he is - don't ignore it. His story does not describe a spur-of-the-moment action which you could call a 'mistake'.

Personally I would not want to forgive this, simply because I think that men who use prostitutes are the lowest of the low, and I could not share my life with one.

I agree with shoutyhamster. He is not the man you think he is. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Op -- How can you be sure he even visits his friends regularly?, he could just be making you believe that whilst in reality he may well be visiting prostitutes on a regular basis.

Sorry your going through this but Tbh I don't think you should even try to save your marriage as like others have said it's probably not the first time your man has done something like this. I doubt very much it will be his last time.

Save your self respect and kick this idiot into touch, he doesn't deserve you