Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

I didn't read the other thread so I'm new to your story. You're so, so brave. I wish I had something more substantial to say. Just wanted to offer you some virtual hugs.

Hope you are having a relaxing weekend, well done.

Wondering how you're getting on, sickaboutdad, hope you're doing okay.

I pulled away from all this for a while for a few reasons, school holidays mean I have the children all the time which keeps me busy and occupied and also stops me talking about it with others, I have been really busy as I picked up some short term work doing what I hope to do as a 'proper' job when ds starts school next year so all efforts to start building up my reputation and make people who would use me aware that I am about have been in full action, it is lovely and I am enjoying myself and have that lovely feeling that if I work hard and put in the effort I get to do what I love for a job, never ever thought I would be that lucky!

A few things have been going quietly on, as expected the police are not able to take the abuse I suffered any further due to the nature and 'snap shot' memories I have of it, it just isn't possible to make a statement with any strength.
I found out last week that the Irish press had got a hold of it but it seems it is just one article in a major Irish paper, it does not seem to have been picked up by anyone else even though in brings up the family fame connection, it was published at the end of July so I am feeling a little like I can relax a bit on the press front. There is one thing the article picks up that confuses and worries me, My Father had always lead me to believe that he had no contact or anything to do with the boys at the school but the article says that he had been removed from all involvement and contact with the students, it confirmed he wasn't teaching but it has left me questioning things. The article says that when they found out about the stuff in England (been going on since Feb, just shows that he only told me when he absolutely had to) they looked at his file again and whoops, look at that! This aspect of the church really makes me angry and scared, to do anything in a non monastery school you have to be checked over and over yet they had this info in his file and only 'noticed' it now, it makes me feel sick it really does. There are still a great deal of questions that still need answers and before the next visit he has planned City X social services need to get there act together but I am leaving most of these things to my Mum right now, she is in city X so makes life a little easier and I am still mixed up and confused, I am not yet at the stage where I can compose a list of questions for the people involved in the investigation (which I can only assume at this stage is closed as he has been given the caution and had to sign the register, I don't know if Ireland are doing anything, the article says that the school was asked about things and they say no concerns have ever been raised by the students... such a good way of doing it, go the catholic church, you do what you have done so well for so many years, stick your head in the sand and protect your own at all cost.

So we get now to the point of why today is the day I come and post. Phone rang earlier, International number but didn't think much of it as lots of call centers come up as international, I really, at this stage didn't thing he would try and call me, wrong. 'Hello' I answer 'ahh sickabout ' he says relaxed as can be, my hear jumps to my mouth, I look at my children playing, even if I did have to guts to talk to him, ask him questions, ask him why I couldn't, not when my children are here, he knows it I am sure, I panicked I have to say and ended the call. I regretted it in some ways right after because I was left wondering what he had to say, why had he called me, I thought the stopping on his visit and my silence and refusal to respond to emails was as clear as could be (but I know in my heart that he will see it in a different way), I kind of hoped he would call back and leave a message when I didn't pick up (he is more likely to think the connection dropped then me putting the phone down), he didn't disappoint and did call back, I let the machine get it and he did leave a message although I can't get it yet, the volume on the machine was turned down and the children couldn't hear the message he left but of course neither could I, I can't play it back when the children are here, my house is a postage stamp so can't really send them off somewhere (although I am considering suggesting they play in their room for a little while), dd knows his distinctive voice so would run a great risk of the questions and Granddad talk starting up again, I don't know what he has said so don't know how it will affect me, feels like too much of a risk but by not getting it done with listening to it it just means I am on edge wondering for the rest of the day. I wish there was an answer.

The counciling forms are half filled out, I stalled a bit, I don't seem to fit into the boxes they have in regards to reasons for going to them, I am trying, I know the forms are just to give them an idea of what is coming to them but it is very hard and they have been sitting for nearly a month, the call today has speared me on to finish them off somehow and post them today.

Sorry for the essay, this is the problem of repressing, when it starts to come out it is hard to stop, then I repress again and the something will trigger an out pour and the circle goes on, I know its not health or helpful, I am trying to make the effort to get help, feel the church has promised help and support but let me down here, I am quite angry with Judy right now to be honest.

I have been following your journey from the previous thread.I wish I could say something that would help, but I don't. I think about you, and wish you well.

That must have been such a shock , him ringing like that - hope you are ok when you hear whatever it was he wanted to say... Glad that it has motivated you to get the councilling forms sorted too

I check this thread every few days, in case you update

Sickabout - you have acted with amazing dignity and calm throughout this awful period in your life. However, as someone who has followed your posts, I think you should have your last post removed - it is very easy to find the article you mentioned. I just did as I thought you had put too much info in your last post only. I say this only to be helpful to you and not because I believe you have anythin to be ashamed of - quite the opposite, but I know you do not want to be identified from something you have written.

Okay, thanks all for the messages, aylsham I am not really concerned about someone seeking out the article, I think I am past caring to much, on the whole I am a very open person and feel I have nothing to hide, I have even considered coming here on my regular posting name, I am not a 'known' poster but things in the past 100% remove my anonymity (complex thing that to explain would give the game away!), I am still in some way considering it, it is only the risk of national press and issues for the family member who could be a press target that stop me, it would be very, very unlikely that the press would stumble upon this and if by chance they did, well, it's been in one paper already, if it did blow up it would damage the church most and I don't give a dam about them at all. The long and the short of it is that I am okay with the risk but I am touched that you care enough to worry and make me answer of any possible issues, I think you greatly for that (although do wonder how you found it, I did a little google and couldn't find it, it was sent to me by my Mum, but I guess if you used a combination of words you might get it, but you would have to know the names to start with and as the original thread which gave far to many details is no longer here I don't see it as a worry right now).

The message he left went something like this:

I was hoping to catch you, there are a couple of things I would like to talk to you about, could you get back to me when you get this, I don't know what happened before, we seem to have been cut off

I guess it was about as much as I was expecting and he hasn't tried to contact me again since.
Had a busy week and as a result the form is sitting on the table waiting for a stamp, all filled out though and going in the post box today. I haven't told a soul other then here about him contacting me, not even dh or my Mum, I don't know why, I guess I am trying to act like it hasn't happened and I can make it all go away, being brought up in the church seems to have rubbed off with the head in the sand attitude, I should be ashamed of myself, I need to act on this but struggling to see how I can without opening myself up to more hurt.
I have thought about emailing him, saying that if he has anything to say to me he is to do it by email only. The fear seems to have lessened a bit but I still can't ever see myself standing up to him in this was, it is still very frightening.
Just lately I have been getting it together and I am enjoying life far more, I guess I am scared of fucking myself up again over it all but know that really I am papering over the cracks and I might be good right at this second sooner or later the house will come down again and I can't live like this in the long term. I am trying to be brave, I really, really am but it is very hard.
I need advice on the best way to address this issue of him contacting me and what I should do. Something told me to save the message he left, don't know why, little voice in the back of my head saying keep everything he sends, every message he leaves, I don't know why.

I agree that you should keep the message, at least until you have told someone he called. Make a note of the time and date he called.

If you don't want him to be able to call you, you might be able to get his calls blocked. I'm fairly sure you can arrange to block certain numbers, BT will have a helpline you can sort this out with, I'm sure.

Post that letter. Post it today

no, didn't know names - don't want to say more in case it helps anyone less scrupulous find it. Glad it's not an issue for you though, as your last post shows you are feeling stronger and realise that you are totally blameless in all this.

The counseling forms are posted, forgot the letter when we went to the shop but put on my brave and determined hat, came home and without stopping or even allowing the children in the house I picked up the letter, popped on the first class stamp I had bought, turned tail and went back out to the post box.

I will talk to dh tonight about him having contacted me. The message on the machine is time and date stamped, we don't use BT answer and have a proper machine so I can keep the message for as long as I want, I can't see what use having it would ever be, only if he began to harass me and I can't see it coming to that, I hope it doesn't anyway.
I don't think BT would be able to block calls from his number as it is international, doesn't show up on caller ID, just international however he is the only person who would call us on the land line from outside the UK (other friends use skype) so I can not pick up anything international, the only other calls I would miss out on are the outsourced call center calls and to be honest I don't want those calls either! He won't ever I don't think get the message I don't want to have anything to do with him, not picking up calls wouldn't make him think for two reasons, one, well, he in his head can't see why I wouldn't want to talk to him and secondly he knows that in the past he has struggled to get me on the phone as I often don't pick up international calls if one of those 'we just want a few moments for some dodgy sounds survey' call centers have us loaded on their dialer.

I know it is hard for people to give me advice but I could really do with some opinions and ideas on the idea of me emailing him something along the lines of:

I got your message however I feel that if you have anything to say to me it should be done by email.

and nothing else, sharp and to the point, however I do worry that doing this would leave me wide open.

Sickabout I have been following your threads from the beginning, have not posted until now. IMO if you send that email, you are asking him to email you. Is that what you want? Will reading what he has to say help you in any way? Or will it just cause you more distress?

If you really want no contact, it might be better to do nothing. If any more international calls come in, just let the machine pick up.

Well, nothing to report really, no more phone calls, no emails so all good there. I finally told my Mum about him calling and what I had done and he first words were 'good for you, well done'. She was proud of the progress I have made in breaking away from his control, a few months ago I would never have been able to put the phone down on him, she helped me see that progress for myself and it made me feel better about the whole thing, yes him having the audacity to call me shook me up and hearing his voice had me shaking but I did have the strength to say no, I am not talking to you and I put the phone down without saying a word or trying to justify the reasons why and I also have completely ignored the message he left as everybody is right, sending his an email telling him not to call the house is an invitation for him to email or write a letter. I expect his next move will be to write a letter to me when he finally has to accept I am not going to return or acknowledge his message on the answer phone, what I will do at that point is unknown to me, I will know his hand writing and while I know the best thing to do would be to tear anything he sent up, throw it in the bin and get on with life I also know I won't be able to do that, I know I will have to open and read it even though I have no intention to reply.
I sent off the counselling forms and have had a reply back saying I am now on their waiting list and should start in 6 -8 weeks time, that arrived about 2 weeks ago so I should be starting to get help in a month or so, maybe if he does send a letter I could take it with me there to open and read.
I think I need to contact Judy, she has not been in contact at all since the police came to see me, in fact she hasn't even replied to the message I sent her after the police had left. I feel she has let me down to be honest, I can't say I am surprised, I had hoped from better from her, she seemed to understand but at the same time I was under no illusions that she works for the church first and foremost. I feel now the time has come for me to write a frank email about the ways I feel she has let me down, how she has lost interest in helping me since her own needs were met. I am in a better place then I was and now the children are back at school I feel up to dealing with Judy.
So as normal it seems I have little news but lots to say, thank you again to you all, you have and continue to keep me going, keep me strong and keep me sane, every message be it advice or simple words of support mean a great deal to me, I can not find the words to say how much the mumsnet posters have helped me through and continue to help me, thank you doesn't seem enough.

I haven't commented much on your threads as I didn't want to get in the way of the excellent support and advice you were getting. I just wanted to say how courageous and remarkable you are. Someone like your father casts a shadow over every family and to be able to break free and protect your children, after a lifetime of being afraid of him, takes so much strength. I hope the counselling is helpful, and I hope you come in time to be as proud of yourself as I'm sure your mother is of you. You're amazing.

I would like some more help from you all if at all possible. I want to write to Judy to make her aware of my dissatisfaction and feelings of being let down by her.
I don't want to launch into a disjointed rant at her or go into every issue I have with her and in turn the treatment I have received from the church as a whole, I want this first email to be concise and to the point, not unlike the curt responses I sent my Father when all this started. I do not want to lay myself bare before her but make it clear I deserve far more from her and the church, some things she promised, some things I feel it is my right to know (like answers to my questions about the inconsistencies between my Fathers idea of where things are and the things I have been told by her and my local social services).

I was thinking something to start with along the lines of:

Dear Judy,
I am writing to you as I have not heard anything from you for some time, I have not had a reply from you when I told you the outcome of my visit from the police (something you were instrumental in, one would have thought you would be interested, you certainly gave me the impression you wanted to speak to me after it had happened when I spoke to you on the phone a few days prior) nor have I received a response from you when I sent you a forward of an email from my Father that I found (and made clear to you) I found very distressing and confusing.
I have to say that this has left me with an overwhelming feeling that the church has used me and then when their needs were met abandoned me. I had hoped for different, and for a time I did feel that you were different but I have to say over all I am not surprised just very disappointed.
From the first time I spoke to you you promised support that has not materialised, instead you have left me with no answers to important questions, conflicting information and most of all hanging in a place emotionally that I don't know how to deal with, come to terms with or move on from.
I feel that the church owes me far more then this and I truly hope that this current state of affairs can be rectified.

What do people think? Any other ideas on what I should do? Feeling particularly vulnerable today as I had another international call, I didn't pick up and left for machine, all the machine recorded was an automated voice asking for a pass code. I don't think this was him, probably a call centre somewhere in the world with a confused dialler but non the less it has left me shaken and if I am honest paranoid.

I think that's a good email, and I'm sorry they have been less than scrupulous about providing you with support.

It's just a thought, but given how upset you are have you thought of getting your phone number changed? It's very simple when you have police support, and free. If he hasn't got your number, he can't call you. And you only need to tell people you were getting silent nuisance calls, no more nor less, to explain it. I appreciate that it's a big hassle, but you might find it so very liberating that it would be worth it. Imagine never again worrying that he's on the other end of the line.

I think it's a good email, too, sickabout. I do hope you get at least a sympathetic response; the church has let you down as you feared. It's really good to hear you've talked properly with your mum, and that she's helped you see what positive progress you've made! You really have, you know, you've behaved with perfect dignity and moral strength throughout. No wonder she's proud of you :)

I don't know what to say about the phone calls, as so many auto-diallers come up as International. It could be a good idea to ask the police, as perfectstorm suggested.

Excellent news about the counselling. It's all forwards from here. Hope you're getting a bit more quiet time now the DC are back at school, and still being kind to yourself.

xx

I too think that is a really good e mail/letter to send Judy. I also think you have been fantastic throughout all of this, you are such a strong person. I have followed your story but not contributed much as I don't feel I have any advice to offer!

Hello Sickabout,

You are being so brave and strong.

Re the terror of your Father. I understand. On one hand he is speaking calmly and 'normally' and trying to carry on as if this is all just a blip, but you have seen the Monster underneath and that would chill anyone to the core. It's frightening too when he seems to be able to charm and manipulate to a certain extent, but remember his house of cards is coming down now. You can see but you can't make others see. Logically people like this have been in the world for ever but when you realise the Monster is in your own house, insinuated itself into peoples lives, your Mother, your brother, the children it's a reality. Not everyone 'gets' that. Some people are born evil and do not care about others but are able to assimilate with the rest of us and yes that is scary. But the scary WILL fade. You take the power from the monster when you cut of it't supply. Attention and contact is what they need and feed on. Cut off that supply and don't feel you have to explain yourself. Counselling will make you feel a lot stronger about your decision and look at what you've done so far, your Mothering instincts have been brilliant. You were right and you are right.

Your Father will paint his own picture and he probably believes it too, but that doesn't mean you have to play his game.

It's very difficult but logically he is actually more scared of you than you are of him. He knows you have seen him for what he is and he needs to put out that fire. But he won't be able to, you can't be manipulated. He may not be brought to justice and that is the horrible reality. All you can do is go no contact and be unapologetic about that.

Your Father sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder and your sister sounds the same. He believes his own lies, is arrogant and thinks he is invincible but he isn't.

Your poor brother sounds lost. Let him know you are there for him. Don't try to cram the information into him. He might not be ready.

As for Jusy, I will also echo what another poster here said about her. She works for the Catholoc Church, I wouldn't trust her.

She says somehow the files with all the information has got sent to the Abbey by 'mistake' and now she is gone no-contact on you?

I hope I am wrong but I would be very, very worried about her motivation. The Catholic church have no checks and balances in favour of abuse victims. It is their policy to obfuscate and sabotage any investigations and protect the clergy at all costs

Sure just a few days ago, an Irish bishop said the Mothers of Ireland were more to blame for child abuse than the clergy themselves. The pope also sneered at Enda Kennys 'Fuck you vatican' speech.

I would trust no-one from the Catholic church. Judy has gathered up information and now it's accidentally possibly in the hands of the enemy. The CC are well known for making inconvenient files disappear.

Anyway, I know it's a depressing thought and I hope I am wrong but it might be wise to tell Judy as little as possible in future.

Please take care and believe me you are not alone.

It is sent, I just sent the email to Judy. I waited to send it until I had heard back from you all and talked it over with my Mum. I waited until I felt able to follow it through, if I get nothing back from her by mid week I need to have the strength to follow it up, first with another email and then if no contact by the end of the week, a phone call the following Monday.
I know that no contact is the only right thing to do regards to my Father for my families sake as well as my own but there is a part of me that wants answers from him, answers I know he will never give but part of me wants to hear what he has to say so I can try and dissect it, to try and find some kind of resolution for myself but I know, I do, that in reality it wouldn't bring me that, just more fear, confusion and raw pain so I wont do it, I will hold firm, it takes everything I have in me to do thins, it's a daily battle but I am determined, I will find my resolution, and hopefully some answers to some of the questions elsewhere, I just have to keep reminding myself that he is the most unreliable of sources for anything. I already know, and if I am honest in my heart have always known, he doesn't love me and that makes me angry for one single reason, it was that lack of love that made me do, endure anything as a small child to try and make him love me. I don't yearn for his love, I don't need, have never needed his love, my Mother loves me with a passion and my Dad loved me more then any words could describe and I have never, ever had a single doubt in that, I know he loves me still beyond his death, I know he is with me still and always will be so I am not sad my Father never loved me I am angry that he used a small child's need to be loved by the man who called himself her Father against her to do despicable things.

I keep having this need to fill the gaps in my memory, I know nothing good lies in those gaps but this need keeps burning. My head is grateful that my brain possess this gift of simply switching off when something too difficult to deal with is happening, 8 hours are missing from the birth of dd, from the accounts of DH and my Mum who were there it was a truly terrible 8 hours in which I went through horrendous pain and stress. I came close enough to death that they called in the resuscitation team, dd came close enough to death before she was even born that the paediatric resuscitation team were called in. Half the hospital were in the room when I 'came to' ( I was conscious throughout but brain it seems wasn't 'on'), my brain only started 'recording' the experience when an end was in sight (the last try at forceps before going for a crash section under a general), it is not that I have forgotten these events it is simply that my brain wasn't 'on', when asked to push for the last forceps attempts I turned to my Mum and said 'but this is my first push' (my notes say I was pushing for over 3 hours).
Having the birth experience as a bench mark I know that pursuing recovery of the experiences from my childhood that fit this 'brain not on' pattern would not be in my best interests, my own mind has created this defence for a reason, I should take heed of this I still find it very frustrating to have 'missing time', I have had this frustration over the birth since it happened but at least I had eye witness accounts and medical notes to help me piece it all together, that has helped me come to terms with the missing time but I have not got that for the childhood events, all I know is something happened, something that should not have happened, that my brain knew was damaging but that is it and I guess I have to somehow come to terms with that but right now I am struggling and thinking about using hypnosis to try and retrieve the memories, even going as far as thinking about trying to get back the lost time at the birth to test the waters first. I have spent to much time thinking about this, I am suffering from a huge internal conflict, the intelligent, sensible woman inside me knows how much of a bad idea that it could be, that my brain had done this to protect me but then there is the massive part of me that wants to know, that says I shouldn't have missing time, that I can't process and deal with what has happened to me unless I know in more detail exactly what did happen to me.
I am lost in this conflict, I just don't know which part of me has it right, what are other peoples opinions?

Nothing, not a thing.
I don't know what I was dreading most, a reply or the lack of one. Feel like this is some kind of torture technique.

I wish you could get a reply, for your peace of mind.

However, this might not happen, in which case it could be a case of leaving Judy's department well alone. Seek appropriate help and support via your GP/other organisations, and move ahead with your life as a survivor.

As for the hypnosis, I would not choose to do it personally. I was in road traffic accident as an older child, and do not remember anything from about 1 minute before until I regained consciousness. I regard this as a blessing, and accept that there is no good from actually remembering the accident.

T