Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Okay, I don't have much time and will go into more detail later but I have just got off the phone the Judy, I have just finished my cry.
For legal reasons she can't tell me the extent of the police investigation. I don't really understand what it all means but she said she is a social worker but not a statuary social worker so all of what I have just told her will be passed to social services.
They are very interested in my brother, they also found it telling that my Father didn't give any details for my brother even though they asked for them (my Father doesn't have my brothers address but he does have phone and email (because I gave them to my Father just over a year ago with permission of my brother). I will have to talk to my brother tonight as my Father is in for questioning in a week and they need all the information they can get. They are less interested at this time in regards to speaking to my mother. What is happening right now is there deep concern for Grandchildren.
I have to go, there is more, I am shaking, a bit weepy but okayish I think. She has also promised support for my brother and I to help us through this. I am going to need it.
I will be back later to explain and talk in a more clear way, just in a rush, needed to get it out. I am off to get dd from school and go have a really fun afternoon with her, this is why I called her today, the good old shit sandwich!

sorry for the disjointed post there. This is the first time I have stopped since the call, the way I planned it so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts afterwards and also I am so physically tired tonight I hopefully won't have the difficulties getting to sleep I have done ever since Saturday.
Judy seems to be a very nice, kind, thoughtful and understanding lady, I kind of expected that by the way my Father had a vilified her and attempted to belittle her, he is nothing if not predictable. I told her I had received some emails from my Father over the weekend, she told me that she couldn't tell me the scale of the criminal investigation for legal reasons but he has already been interviewed by the police once and will be interviewed by the police and social services again in a weeks time (which means that he was planning on coming her and trying to play happy families with me and my children the very next day, sick) and there have been quite a few meeting about him. She told me that she and social services were involved because of the fact he has grandchildren. I told her that when it came to my children I had made the decision from the start that they would not be alone with him and that I changed the way I did things when he was around (taking them out of the room to dress etc). I told her I felt if would be a good idea to talk to my mother and brother, she told me they had wanted my brothers details but he had failed to give them, she asked me if I knew if anything had ever happened to him I told her i didn't know for sure but told her his worrying pattern of behaviour as a teen and young adult.
I told her about the incident with my ex bf, that I had uncomfortable but disjointed child hood memories involving him. She was asking me about my brothers children, how many he had living with him and things and then it hit me. My brother has a little girl, she is almost 11, for various reasons she lives with her maternal Grandmother who is a bit in awe of my Father (he does that to people) and my Father has engineered it so no one from our side of the family (including my brother) is allowed to she the little girl.
She very much want to speak to my brother so I am going to talk to my Mum as she is geographically close to my brother and these things are better face to face. Judy would need my brother to be in contact before next weeks interview so there is now a time pressure.
So, I will speak more to Judy and she is bound to pass all this to social services so I expect to hear from or have a visit from them soon she also, without me having to ask understood that this is a very very difficult time for me and will be for my brother and she will ensure that we get the support we need.
Was horrible, I sobbed afterwards but it needed to be done, it won't be quite as hard next time I hope.
So tonight I need to talk to my Mum and wrap dd's birthday gifts then I hope fall into a dreamless sleep.

Well done, for having the conversation and for having a lovely afternoon with DD afterwards. You are doing so so well. Have a fantastic day tomorrow x

I've been following this and your previous thread sickabout and I just wanted to offer you my encouragement and tell you that you are doing so so well. You are being very strong and are handling things very sensibly and practically. Hope you rest well tonight.

And enjoy your DD's special day!

I just wanted to say how brave you are, and that I hope you access the support you need and deserve. This man's victims seem many, and whether or not he behaved inappropriately you are definitely one of them. I know this isn't very MN but I send a large hug, anyway.

I'm very suspicious of what is going on with his ten year old GD. He has nicely compartmentalized her away from all of you, including her own father! Plus your lovely mum and you. Even if he has not abused her, keeping her away from all of you is horribly wrong.

Very odd about your niece.

She doesn´t live with him but he controls who sees her-including her father?

Why do the mother & GM allow that?

The issues around my Niece are very complex. When she was born my Brother was still a user. The child's mother also started using, she also fails to have a maternal bone in her body. I had my Niece from 2 weeks old until she was close to 4 months. I was in my early 20's and unable to take on my niece permanently at that time and it was also felt (by my Mum and I) that all attempts should be made for my Niece to have her Mother, My niece and her Mother went to live with the maternal Grandmother, contact was maintained for a while, the Mother dropped out of my Nieces life leaving my niece in the care of the Grandmother. My Father managed to convince the Grandmother that when my niece was with my Mum that my Mum was allowing my brother to take my Niece (who was 3 years old by then) to drug dens. This was all a pack of lies, my brother was still a user so my Mum supervised visitation but my Father manipulated the Grandmother into halting all contact with the whole family, apart from him and my sister when she is with my Father (my sister eats out of the palm of his hand). Since then all my brother, My brother, Mum and I have managed to have in the way of 'contact' is the odd photo taken on a day out with my Father, Sister and her children and then all the times I (or my Mum) have taken Christmas and Birthday gifts round to her house and had to leave them on the door step as the door is never answered (I don't know if I have been unlucky and they have been out every singe time or not, there have been cars in the drive every time though so think what you will) and gifts never acknowledged, I don't even know if my niece has been allowed to have these cards and gifts from her Dad and his family.

I have just had communication with my brother, he will talk to Judy. He is not willing to make the call himself but has given me permission to pass on his phone number. I haven't spoken to my brother (my Mum and his wife have though) but the communication I have had shows he is very distressed about this, very short one line messages, typos and spelling errors with me are par for the course but my brother it is almost unheard of and there were typos in the short message, he seems defensive, I have reminded him that Judy is not on our Fathers side. I think maybe he feel like I did, making that call is almost too hard (I managed it eventually but I can see he may not be able to do it) and it is easier when you don't have to make that move, just answer the phone.

I am so upset for my brother. He has worked so hard to put his life back together. He got off heroin, he found and married a wonderful woman, took her two lovely children as his own (we as a family have taken those two wonderful children as our own and his wife as a daughter and sister) and also had a child together who just turned one and is such a joy. He also found out 2 years ago that he has a now 19 year year old daughter, her Mother denied he was the Father for all those years even though my brother (and my Mum) suspected she was likely to be his but he understands that like we all do, my brother in those times was not a man you wanted as a Father to your child but once her Mum saw how well my brother was doing, getting clean, admitting his past mistakes and how very much he hurt so many people so told him the truth that she was his and they are now building a very good relationship, she calls him Dad, they see allot of each other, we have welcomed her to our family with open loving arms. All this positive for my brother, all the work he has done, all the effort, all the humility and now this, some of the major factors to his losing so much of his life come back and hit him in the face and our Father didn't even have the decency in him to let him know himself, I had to do it through Mum and his wife. My poor, poor brother. I know how torn up, raw and emotional I am feeling, his will be magnified so much more I just hope he can hang onto all those positives and not turn to the comforter that got him through before, I hope he takes up the offered support I really do.

That does all sound incredibly hard for your brother. I really hope he can get through the call ok, and maybe come to a point where being able to process some of this stuff will be a bit helpful for him.

From the outside it does sound like the situation with your niece is something that Judy would be concerned about and keen to change.

What an awful situation.

Think your niece´s GM needs to be put in the picture re your father ASAP though.

Gosh, this is all going so fast and just seems to get worse and worse (leaving me wondering if it will ever get better?).
After an exchange with my brother I can see that even though he believes he is not still under the control and influence of our Father he still clearly is, he sent me this statement -

I haven't got a problem with it really.I got the true story one night drunk with him and [uncle] and stupid though it was it wasn't abuse or paedophilia....well.....an abuse of position at worse.The lad was infatuated with Dad and pursued him....he stu[pidly went for it.

Can my brother not see that this is simply my Fathers side of the story? Can he not see that Judy wanting to talk to him isn't actually anything to do with the event that sparked this investigation off?
Anyway, I had given Judy my Mothers name and contact number telling her that my Mum would really like to talk to her as she has been trying to be heard about this matter for many years and Judy phoned my Mum this afternoon. They talked for over half an hour my Mum says, I could tell Mum had shed tears and was a bit shaken, she told me that my Father has completely played down the police investigation side of this as the thing next week isn't just an interview, it is a bail condition!!!! My Mum also told me that questions Judy asked sparked other memories for her (just like it did me) about being called up to the school when my brother was between the age of 8 and 11 about inappropriate behaviour at school. This is all making me feel like I am going crazy, my brother was (and still is) spitting out every red flag for abuse there is yet nothing happened, no one listened! I have a good idea why this was when my brother hit high school, my Father was chair of governors, Catholic school serving the parish all his cronies served at, the big influential man on a pedestal.
Due to the way my brother has reacted Judy isn't going to call him right now but rather arrange a visit to him in a couple of weeks, I think this is a very good call. I actually feel even more sad for my brother now then I did, and for my sister. I have been the only one to stand up and challenge, to accept my childhood wasn't all it could have been and risk myself to all the feelings this stirs up in me, it's horrific and I know why my brother doesn't want to do it and my sister, well, she is her Fathers daughter all the way, she thinks like him, she reacts to situations like him, she re writes history like him. A good example is this, late last summer my family were visiting my Mum, my Mum had my sister and her 3 kids living with her, rent and bill free for the previous 3 years, she was meant to be clearing debts and saving a deposit to get her own place again. My sister took the piss, one of the biggest ways she did this was by flying out to America twice to see her online boyfriend leaving her children with my Mum! Things were tense through our visit and blew into a row, I was there, I saw with my own eyes the events of that night, my Mum lost her temper and did through a glass of water over my sister after my sister had followed her shouting at her while my Mum was trying to remove herself. My sister left in a huff, told the council my Mum had chucked her and her kids on the street, she got a place in a hostel and then a council house while screaming domestic violence allegation about that night! She had the police to my Mums door saying she didn't feel safe to go get her stuff but when my Mum eventually said to her 'look, the police are here, make a complaint' she refused to. The police left very cross at my sister and giving my Mum there massive apologies.
Obviously there is far more to the above story but it gives you an idea of how much she is her Fathers daughter. It isn't her fault I think, she has just been twisted into a knot by hit, she has learnt her responses and behaviour from him. For Christ's sake she once turned round to me and said that I only have complex health problems despite her! It sounds familiar doesn't it?
Off on school run and then birthday afternoon with dd now, my mind has been so occupied that I only realised an hour ago that I hadn't bought dd a birthday cake!!! DH has gone on the mad dash to town (no short trip, we are in the sticks!) to get her one, oops, feel shitty I forgot to get my own daughter a birthday cake

"I haven't got a problem with it really.I got the true story one night drunk with him and [uncle] and stupid though it was it wasn't abuse or paedophilia....well.....an abuse of position at worse.The lad was infatuated with Dad and pursued him....he stu[pidly went for it."

But even if true, it doesn´t exonerate your father, does it?

Taking advantage of a much younger person who is infatuated is still pretty reprehensible.

What an absolute mess for everyone.

But let´s hope some justice for the victim.

I forgot to add, Judy would like to speak to my ex-boyfriend after talking to my Mum this after talking to her (after all, my bf didn't directly tell me anything about it other then make off hand joke style comments while refusing to share a roof ever again with my Father but he did say something directly to my Mum).
I (kind of obviously) do do not have contact with my ex but my very good friend does. This is the other good friend, the one I haven't spoken to yet, I have found the prospect of calling her and trying to tell her all of this too hard. It was different with my other friend, I was able to see her face to face and I told her the day after my Father sent the first email so not as much time to stress about the act of telling her. My Mum understands this and is also close to my friend so she has called her, told her everything and asked her to contact my ex about it and ask him if he could talk to Judy about his expirences with my Father. The man I knew over 7 years ago probably would have done it and from what I have heard he has not changed a great deal so I hope he agrees to do it. Judy needs all this info to come together by tomorrow really as she is off on holiday next week although she will be able to pick up emails on her blackberry (my reaction to this was, that's not fair on her, I wouldn't want her holiday spoiled over dealing with all this, my Mum assures me though that Judy is eager to put all this information together and to hear from everybody who has been affected my my Father over the years so she can put all the information forward).
I am feeling very wobbly today, I have been able to put everything on the back burner mentally today while celebrating my dd's birthday with her but every bit of communication I have had today has dealt a further blow be it my brothers state of denial or the fact the investigation is far more serious then my Father let on or then I anticipated. The fact he is on bail means he has been charged with something doesn't it? Feel like it is just mounting up and up and then I have these doubts that come to mind that I know are stupid, today's were coursed by my brother being so, so sure but the fact is I know that some really bad things happened when we were children, I know that even if the version of events my brother has from our Father is true it would still be horrifying, how many young teenagers have crushes on their teachers, in fact, thinking about it if that was the way it went it could even be a worse abuse of trust and power. It is things like this that just send me into a whirl of confusion and I start questioning my own judgement. I am getting better at stopping and looking at things as logically as I can but I have had a lifetime of subtly being told that my thoughts and feelings are wrong, being told I was to young to remember properly or more recently when I pulled my Father on events surrounding the severed contact with my niece him telling such a convincing tale that I at first believed what he was telling me, until I later tried to work out the chronological order of events and there were huge holes, inconsistencies and things that just failed to make any sense when looked at closely. The problem is my Father has conditioned me and my siblings not to step back and look closely, his word is the word of the lord, he is a man of faith and God and to question is wrong.

"The fact he is on bail means he has been charged with something doesn't it?"

Not necessarily. It can just mean that they want to investigate more, but don't have enough evidence for a charge. But they do need some grounds to have someone on police bail as it usually means the person in question has to let the police know of their whereabouts etc.

It could still be about the original allegation, but I am suspicious about that as 16 is now legal, though wasn't then (was 21) and you can't punish someone retroactively so the fact the abuse of trust is now illegal can't be backdated. So he hasn't actually broken the law in terms of age, as the age of consent is now 16, and he didn't then on abuse of position, because it wasn't a crime at the time. So yes, I'm afraid it looks as if he is part of a larger investigation (though given recent scandals that doesn't mean he actually did anything you don't know about, either - they could just be being tremendously thorough and careful. I doubt it but it is a possibility). I'm so sorry. I do though suspect that if Judy talks to your brother in person she may be able to break through his denial by pointing this out.

It's a nightmare. You are being tremendously brave. I hope the investigation doesn't bring up anything even worse, for everyone's sake.

Thank you for making that clear to me, it was pretty much what I suspected. I know the allegations that have sparked the police having access to my Fathers file involves 4 men, one is on bail and the other 3 are 'just' under investigation, statements have been along the lines of no arrests expected in regards to the other 3. I honestly not sure what to make of the news he is on bail, I had resigned myself to the fact there was no real likely hood of any justice for the boy I know about, I would be glad if they could get justice for this boy but for the reasons you stated I know this is unlikely. Unless they are even older then the case we know about then it can't be further allegations that happened after this as they kicked him out when he was caught (but being the church in the late 60's it was swept under the carpet, my Mother managed to discover much more about the ins and outs of this after she found out about all this at the time of their divorce, I know only little) so unless an allegation has been made either where he is now or in the time he was not within the church I am unsure how the bail could be to do with anything else. I think I just have to let the ins and outs of the investigation go for now, they can't tell me any more for legal reasons and the only thing that is important right now is I give honest and open statements about my own experiences and I pass on details of anybody else who could have anything to add. The other thing I need to think about is coming through this as intact as I can and hope that bringing the unsaid into the said can help us start to heal even if the investigation comes to nothing, which to be realistic is sadly likely to be the case.

Just to make it clear, my Father is NOT one of those 4 men.

Hello again.
I took a day off it all yesterday as I got home from the morning school run to see a letter on the door mat addressed to me in my Fathers handwriting. I tried not opening it but I found I felt on edge, sick and shaky knowing it was there wondering what was in it, was the the consequences of me saying no to him visiting next week rearing their head. So I opened it. Inside were some photo's of dd that he had taken on his last visit that I had asked for copies of and this type written (italics and brackets as they were in his letter) letter:
Dear [sickaboutdad]
I would have brought the enclosed with me, but sadly I shall now have to send them. Not too bad considering the light and the distance I was from the two of you.
As you may imagine, I'm very upset at this latest turn in things, but then obviously so are you. What I would like to know is whether it is the shock at what I did 42 years ago, or anger at my giving your address. In fact the address was required by social services, who have to check on whether I am a danger to children. I think this is a routine thing now required of them. As I have never molested a child (though of course you can never prove a negative) I trust it will work out in due course. But I am naturally very sorry to have involved you, and I hope you'll forgive me in time.
With all my love to you [dh] and the children, Dad

I read it, put it away and decided that I needed a day when every other thought was not about all of this, I am exhorted in every way, I feel like I simply can't take any more, I needed a day just to be normal. Through the day I got a text from my Mother telling me she had spoken to my good friend and as she was going to be in our home town this weekend she would talk to my ex-bf about him speaking to Jane. I didn't reply to my Mums text (I am sure she understands why) and I then shamefully dodged my Friends calls through the day. I still haven't spoken to my friend, I feel awful about that, all this has had to be dumped on her and then I don't answer her calls or return them. I just needed time off. I feel more rested and better able today so will contact her.

I got an email from Judy's office this morning

My manager Judy X has asked me to contact you to update you on the current situation. Following her phone conversations with you and your mother, Judy contacted the other agencies involved to discus the most appropriate way to proceed. It was felt that Judy would be the best person to make the initial contact with your brother Xxxxxx; unfortunately this will mean a delay before Judy is able to contact Xxxxxx.

I believe you are aware that Judy is away from the office until the 6th June. If possible Judy would like to meet with Xxxxxx and will contact him on her return to the office. I am sorry for this delay but we do want to ensure that we deal with the matter correctly. I would be grateful if you could inform the other members of your family of the situation.

Kind Regards, Xxxxxx

So nothing there I didn't know but just seeing an email from Judy's office made my stomach lurch and this now familiar feeling of dread settle over me. I just wish this was all over, I really do.

I would really like some advice in regards to my Fathers letter, what to people think of it, take from it? What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him what I really think and feel, to confront him with the memories and incidents from my childhood and given the fact this is a police investigation I don't think that would be wise even if I could do it. The fact he is questioning me as to why he was asked not to visit I find incredulous, do I give him a simple answer? ie: I can't face seeing you and playing happy families right now with all these things that have been pushed to the dark recess of my mind being forced out into the light. Or do ignore his letter and that the cowards way out by no answering at all?
Sorry for another really long one. Taking a day off while very good for me has made things mount up due to all this moving so quickly.

Hi, sickabout. You are right to protect your own emotional & mental health, while doing what is right. In case you're having a wobble today, please be assured you're showing amazing strength, compassion and wisdom.

Your father's letter seems to be saying "Please don't be cross with me!" His claim to hope you'll forgive him would be appropriate if he'd borrowed your car and dented it, but is pretty much irrelevant to the current reality. He's being investigated for serious dereliction of his responsibilities, possible criminality, yet continues to obfuscate the facts and to treat it all as some kind of silly misunderstanding. Frankly, I find this sickening though it must be terribly hard to label your own family member that way.

Either he's disingenuous or his letter illustrates his own way of thinking - that your primary concern is for your own pride, not for any damage that might have been done to others. I suspect the latter; what do you think?

I'm sorry Judy's holiday is going to delay her meeting with your brother; he's going to find the coming week very difficult, isn't he? Glad your mother and you can support each other.

I'd either ignore your father's email, or send a one-liner to ask him to desist.

I don't think you should think of not replying as the coward's way out. You need to put yourself and your own needs first.
If you don't feel up to replying right now, don't.

Could you tell him (maybe through your DH, like the other email you sent, that you don't feel up to communicating right now and are going to take a six month (or however long) breather? And he is NOT to contact you during that time

That means you don't have to take any decisions at all right now, until you have decided what you want to do, and hopefully will avoid seeing any letters from him etc

Thinking of you

Yes, spidookly, I was going to suggest a fixed-term break in contact, too :) Did this with my own dad (2 years.)

Homeboys, there is the weirdness around OP's niece, which I can't help finding very worrying. And her father's run-ins with her brother & ex-boyfriend :(

I too would take your father's letter at face value. He genuinely doesn't know which has upset you more -- the address-giving on the one hand, or the events of the past and the allegations/investigations on the other hand. I wonder if this is an indication of the extent to which he has succeeded in downplaying the events of the past in his own mind, and therefore just doesn't see how enormously they will loom for you.

You absolutely don't need to respond to him at all unless and until it feels right for you.

Sorry, Wordwork here. I've been on the thread as Wordwork, not Threadworm, before.