Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Nothing.

Looks like I am going to have to send that follow up email but don't know what to write.
I want it to get across that a response is required promptly and I am not going to allow myself to be used and cast off by them.
Any ideas on what I should write?

Zilch, nadda, nothing.

I said if no reply I would have to send a follow up today, I didn't have either time (busy with work, good thing) or anything up my sleeve to write (not a good thing)

Ideas on a postcard please, need to do something tomorrow, I can't let this stand as it is.

oh sickabout how frustrating for you

after she seemed so caring etc all along. If it were me I would be fairly abrupt along the lines of :

I have not received a response to my email dated x/y . This whole situation has left me feeling rather let down by both the church, and you directly. The support you promised me has not been forthcoming.

Please reply to rectify the situation, if I don't hear from you by monday I will be calling your office and will escalate the matter

Regards

Sickabout

Oh - and with regards to the hypnotherapy.... I don't know tbh.... It depends if you feel it would benefit you to know those missing times? If not, maybe look into some NLP to help your mind change the way it deals with stressful situations to prevent these blackouts in future?

Thanks for the support and advice mummynoseynora, I am feeling very alone with all this right now, if feels like all the support and advice that has helped me survive until this point has simply evaporated apart from my Mum. (but to be fair to my friends I haven't talked to her about this Judy issue, they both have things happening in their own lives, for one of them huge, huge problems and I am feeling bad at the thought of dragging them back into all of this).

I have however bitten the bullet and sent a follow up email to Judy:

Dear Judy,
I am very disappointed to have yet again not received any reply from you or your department, this is in no way helping the situation only creating more bad feelings and mistrust. I demand reply to this email either by you or somebody else in your department by Monday morning. The current state of affairs is completely unacceptable and I refuse to let this continue in this way.
Sincerely,
sickaboutdad (note not the short form of my name I had started to use with her, this email and the one before I have signed with my formal full name, I never, never normally use my full first name for anything, I started off at the beginning of all this using the full form as that is what would have been on the records but quickly went to the short form, I don't feel like she, or anybody from the church has the right to use the short form any more, all that sounds a bit crazy when I read it back, I can't explain it, I guess using the short form implies familiarity and mutual respect and she had blown that)

I could really, really, really do with some major hand holding right now.

So, we have movement.

I have just received this email:

Dear sickaboutdad

My name is Tom D (name changed) and I am currently the Safeguarding Locum for
the X Diocese. Unfortunately, Judy has been unwell
and off work for almost two months and I am doing my best to get to
grips with the many open cases.

I have picked up your e-mail to Judy dated 24th September and I am very
sorry you feel so let down. I know Judy well and I honestly think that
she would never deliberately fail you. As mentioned, she is unwell and
has not been here. Now I have seen your e-mail dated today and realised
that I sent a message to an incorrect e-mail address.

Looking at the file, I cannot claim to be clear about the current
situation. Your e-mail suggests you have had contact with the police and
mentions an important e-mail and I would like to talk to you about both.
Would you give me a telephone number so I can contact you?

I'm really sorry, sickaboutdad. Things have clearly drifted in a way that
has caused you distress and I am sure that has only happened because
Judy is unwell and away.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Tom D
Safeguarding Locum

PS Please note I do not have an Diocese e-mail account of my own as
Locum

please, what is my next step?

Just to add, I feel I need to contact 'Tom' today as if I am to have a phone conversation with him it will be a week until that can really happen with my work commitments, I am home without children today so it would be prudent to try and get this moving today.

My thoughts right now are to send him an email with the two important emails (the one summarising my visit from the police in late July and the forward of that horrid last email from my Father where he downplayed everything, twisted the social services angle and used language that was threatening to me although probably wouldn't be to people outside the relationship) that he mentioned as they were referred to in my email from Sunday night and to take it from there.

I am of course very sorry that Judy is ill but feel they have handled this very, very badly. I will in my email say that I am sorry Jane is ill and hope she is recovering but should I pass comment on how badly they have handled this, say that surely an email should have been sent to all people involved in active cases that she was ill and somebody else would be taking over rather then just letting people hang in limbo and having no response at all to emails. By the nature of what they do they are dealing with people in very bad emotional situations where chasing people down if an email goes unanswered is not something that is easy to do. Do I say all this or do I just try and move on and make the best I can of the way things are?

On my phone so sorry this is brief,

Yes drop him a mail, forward those relevant ones, say you are sorry to hear about judy but make it clear that isn't an excuse for the case being in limbo so long.

Good luck, hope Tom is of use when you talk to him

I will check in again later

Thanks for the reply mummynoseynora.

For anyone else who cares, I sent this to Tom

Dear Tom,
I am very sad to hear that Judy is so unwell and hope that she is doing okay.
This has however be handled in a very bad way, something I don't feel
you can argue is the case and I could go on and tell you the ways that
this could have been handled better however I don't feel that would be
at all helpful right now and it is best at this time to just move on.
I have attached copies of the two emails I mentioned in my email of
the 24/9. I have put them in date of sending order.
Since I sent the last email I did hear back from my local police and as expected the nature of things makes it impossible to get a usable statement so nothing has been taken any further.
To make some context for the first email, the one I forwarded from my
Father, his story doesn't relate to the things I have been told both
by Judy or where I live social services.
My telephone number is xxxxxxxxx
I am available until 2.30 today.

At 2pm I received a call from Tom. He was calling me from his car after his assistant had forwarded my contact number and it seems the bare bones of my message so he hadn't read the emails, nor does he at this time know much of anything about the case.
He was very apologetic and looking for how he could help me and find out what it is I need from them. It transpires that Judy AND her assistant have been off ill for this extended time and are likely to be off for a long time to come (I find this quite suspect but if I take off paranoid conspiracy theorist hat is is likely to be stress, I know I couldn't cope doing what she does, I can barely cope with my tiny corner of it), he was brought in by the bishop only 2 weeks or so ago as a locum.
I told him that I was looking for answers and clarity in the large part, he asked for some time to go over my Fathers (very fat) file and my emails so he could get himself up to speed (the bishop didn't give any info on currently active cases, this whole thing smells so badly of church cover up, paranoid hat there again), I was inwardly groaning expecting him to say he would contact me in a week or even more but he asked me to let him have up until Monday afternoon, I guess he is going on my Monday deadline from this mornings first email so hopefully, Monday afternoon some things may be a tiny bit clearer I just have to get my nerve up and say out right I want help with trying to come to terms with all this, I haven't told him I am currently on an NHS counselling wait list because I feel that they owe me help and that they can give me access to more tailored help then the standard GP's practice ones can.

It is good I am back on the road to questions answered and help but it has brought everything to the for again, I was jumpy all day and unable to focus, I started talking to my friend about it walking to school but we were quickly joined by somebody else, a friend I would not be against knowing about it but not the time to try and explain it all and talk about what is happening now so to lay myself out there, Mumsnet is all I have right now.

Sickabout its fab that Tom seems to be really keen to help you. I have no experience of the church (lifelong atheist here) so couldn't say if its a standard cover up or whatever, but Tom certainly seems to want to help... and I wouldn't be surprised with Judy being signed off with stress in that kind of job

I really hope that on monday he can start to give you the support you need

in the meantime, mumsnet is here :)

I am relieved to hear that someone is at least trying to make sense of the ongoing situation for you.

I do check this thread when I am on mumsnet, even if I don't know what to say.

I can well believe that 2 people are off sick. I know an admin worker who worked for social services locally left after 3 weeks, she found it too upsetting.

Thank you both very much. All your comments and support means a great deal to me.

I have not long got of the phone with my Mum, I felt I needed to let her know that I had managed to get contact.
Her conspiracy theory hat jumped on as soon as I said Judy and her assistant were both on long term sick (it is a small team, I believe Judy is/was the only social worker there) before I said anything about my own unease about the situation. In all likelihood they are on sick leave due to stress given the nature of their jobs but this is the church we are talking about, Judy is not a statutory social worker so she doesn't have any legal powers that a social worker working for a local authority would have, she is paid by the church to manage issues around children in the church and cases where abuse claims have been made however the church pays their wages and controls their work life, I may be being paranoid about this but honestly, the church had always worked on a shove under the carpet, do what it takes to keep mouths shut and close ranks to protect their own what ever the case is. The safeguarding office was set up in the wake of church abuse scandals to give the appearance that they are trying to face abuse claims openly and support victims. I have tried and I am trying to take this on face value and to try and believe the church is stepping up to the plate but there is mounting evidence that suggests this is not the case, at times they are best inept and at worse putting children at risk by closing ranks to protect their own. This suspicion is caused by they way the church has handled my Father now and in the past, by possibly sending information destined for the Irish police direct to my Fathers monastery and failing to properly investigate my Fathers contact with the boys who have attended the school now and in his whole time there. These are just a few of the warning flags and now this disappearance of Judy from the scene, there was another period just before this when she was off for a couple of weeks, both absences coincide with significant events in regards to my Fathers case and difficult questions asked of them both by me and my Mum.
I know all this may seem a stretch to some of you and I am really hoping my suspicion is nothing more than paranoia on mine and my Mums side but that paranoia would not exist if it weren't for the church's past record and behaviour both in general and historically in my Fathers case.
The simple truth is you can not, under any circumstance trust the catholic church. My Mum, over 20 years ago, back when she first found out about the events that have sparked all this saw documentation that showed the cover up of my Fathers actions went as far as the Vatican, she says herself her biggest mistake was letting my Father get his hands back on that paper trail and of course it hasn't been seen again.
I want to trust both what Judy has told me and what Tom says, I really, really do, I want to believe that they want to help and have my interests above those of the church but I simply can't so I tread with extreme caution.

Gah - just lost a long post.

Sickabout - I have been lurking on this thread (didn't see the original thread) for a while but have never posted before, as you seem to be getting lots of support here and in RL from your Mum and friends.

In terms of hypnotherapy - I'm guessing there is no time limit on starting this? Maybe you should speak to your counsellor about it? (I'm sure you're moving up the NHS waiting list as I type.) I'll be as paranoid and conspiracy theory minded as you - and say that you should be very careful of the "help" (if any ever materialises ) the Catholic church offer. I'm not sure one of their "in house" counsellors would be ideal...

I'm just amazed at how well you are handling the situation - I think you have behaved with such dignity. If it were me I'd be ranting and raving at anyone from the Catholic church by this point!

I'm sure I'm not alone in sharing your mistrust in the church to sort out its own shit :( I recall, some time back, you resigned yourself to this and decided to do your best to push for resolution, while focusing mainly on discovering and validating your own truth. I think this is wise: however clever you are, it's a tall order to take on the Vatican! I believed Judy would, at least, arrange proper support for you and am really pissed off that it didn't happen.

Clearly, this Tom bloke is going to try and fill some of the holes in your case - it's probably worth encouraging (and pushing) him to do so, but as a locum he's susceptible to the whims of the church. I wouldn't mind betting he'll be urgently required elsewhere if he starts looking for lost papers and suchlike. What definite outcomes do you now hope for from his department?

The most crucial thing for your long-term wellbeing, I believe, is decent therapy. I thought the church might organise this for you - possibly in fear of your claiming damages (my last employer did something similar; at least they got me top-drawer treatment for the damage they did!)

I'd counsel against hypnotherapy, except as a feel-good coping method. It's fantastic for that sort of thing - but no reputable therapist will undertake regression hypnosis for traumatic memories. There are two main reasons: firstly, the mind chooses its protective mechanisms wisely; if you're not getting spontaneous recall, your mind knows it's not ready to remember. The second reason is that the church vigorously pursued legal action against therapists who conducted memory recovery with abuse victims. In consequence, this evidence is no longer allowed in court and therapists are vulnerable to malpractice complaints.

It's very normal to want these memories - I must have posted pages about it in Stately Homes, as have many others. I felt, for some time, that the gaps in my memory meant there were holes in my identity. The safer way to deal with the feeling, however, is through the slower processes of healing through psychotherapy and complementary inner-child work. During those processes, memories do come to light - you'll learn techniques to "invite" recollections safely - and, after a while, you realise you do actually know enough about your past to get on with mending the present & future. Not sure if this is making sense

I'm afraid I've lost track of whether you've been abale to arrange proper psychotherapy through the NHS or privately. If you haven't yet, I'd urge you to pursue the funding for it. Your case fulfils the criteria for NHS treatment - it could well be worth checking out any charities that could fund you additionally, most obviously via the church? Perhaps ask Tom about this using veiled threats. Psychotherapy is expensive and you'd probably need a few years all told; the maximum you get on the NHS is normally 26 weeks.

Sorry this post is a bit disjointed. It's really good to see you piecing all this together and gaining confidence as you do so. Wishing you well :)

Thank you so much for the support, it means a great deal.

I am trying to get myself together to hear from Tom later today.
I want to get an idea of what I want from him together.

I want to know what the facts are in regards to the social services discrepancies both between the two areas and what my Father said in the email.

I want to know if the file intended for the Irish police was in fact sent to the monastery in 'error' and if it was what kind of information did it contain, did it reference anything I had said and done, for example me contacting Judy to start with and the information I gave her subsequently.

I want to know how they plan to protect my sisters children as she has proved herself to be an unsuitable candidate to supervise visitation with my Father and her children. (and of course this point is linked into the first point in regards to what the actual social service situation is)

I want to know what counselling and support services the church can make available to me and when.

I want to know if there are any more steps to be taken in all of this, what is the situation in Ireland and my Fathers long term place within the church.

Can anyone think of any more points that it would be prudent to bring up?

On a plus point of my evaporating support, was leaving church this morning after the school harvest festival service when the Vicar pulled me to one side, just at the end of the school holidays she had seen me round the village and said she had seen there was something wrong with me and offered her help and support, I told her then I would take her up on that as I do feel she would be a good ear, support and advice however the back to school rush combined with her having been on holiday for a couple of weeks means we just haven't got to arranging us getting together. She said today she hadn't forgotten, asked how I was and I told her that something was happening this afternoon and I would very much still like to arrange a time to see her so I am on that and we will arrange something in the next week or so (probably next week or maybe Wednesday afternoon, have a busy week this week with work and appointments for the children).

So would really appreciate any input with my list of wants/needs from Tom when he calls. It depends what he says to me today but if he does/says nothing that makes me think they are giving it to me straight I may cut the link and approach the police officer in charge of the case who ironically thanks to my Father I have the name and contact details for.

Hello Sickabaout,
just a quick note to say I will probably be online most of this afternoon, so will be here if you want someone to talk to. I've been lurking on both your threads and am so pleased at the strength you are showing.

Well, the call came earlier then I was expecting at about 12.30 (I had just read your message Seabright, big help!).
The clear concise goals I had written for for the conversation were invaluable and really, really, really helped!

So, the police investigations as I expected are over both here and Ireland. The file that may have been sent to the monastery instead of the Garda was NOT sent to the monastery and my part in the investigation is still completely confidential (now I know given the source I can't trust this but the evidence is that I am being told the truth). The results of the investigation are in the UK, the caution and 2 years on the sex offenders register meaning that when ever he arrives in the UK he must register at a police station within 3 days and give the address of where he is staying and his plans, social services in that area would be alerted and depending on what their records show act accordingly in regards to children he may be spending time with. In Ireland he is also on their version of the sex offenders register and as it is his country of residence it is the one to influence his day to day activities, it bars him from any contact with the boys at the school and requires him to be supervised by another member of the order at all times (as you come in contact with the boys all over the place as they come and go from class and activities). The question that was raised about the fact he had always told me he had no part of the school or the lives of the boys and then the press piece giving a different impression is that he was running a chess club, I felt sick when he told me that I really did. I hope to God he never got the chance as I don't trust the church to adequately investigate and can only hope the Garda have done this.

I talked about the issues with my sister and city X social services. Tom shared my concern. He has written to them today (so there is a paper trail and the have to investigate and report), not using mine or my Mum's name outlining the issues and will let me know the outcome but it is safe to say that my sister will have social services on her door step.

The not so good news really come in the matter of support. He admits himself that the church is not very good at this type of thing but then went on to say that to be fair my main problems didn't happen within the church (but if they had dealt with my Father properly from the start it wouldn't have happened, but I wouldn't have been born so you could go round in circles forever on that one), he has sent me a link to NAPAC, I haven't had a chance to look at them yet to know if it's the right call or not yet but he did say that if for any reason it isn't helpful to come back to him and he would search for something else. (just realised NAPAC is an organisation someone gave me a link to a while back and I found their website helpful so will contact them and see where it takes us).

He also apologised again for the whole 2 months no contact thing and confirmed (in a round about way) the bishop had just hoped Judy would be back the next week and then after more then 6 weeks dropped Tom in the deep end with no life jacket).

So I guess it is just finding the right support now, I don't have the means to pay for anything myself so just going to have to work out what is and isn't possible.
One part of this is over, the investigation, but this is never ever going to be over, not really and I find that hard to take.

spoken to somebody from NAPAC and have a number of a local place that might be able to help. Just have to get the courage to call them. They are open till 9 tonight and if I don't do it tonight then it will be Wednesday. I keep finding excuses why I can't do it tonight like I need to phone my Mum and let her know what Tom said on the phone but I also know Mum would rather wait a little longer to talk to me and for me to start on the road to getting help, it's so hard, it took most of what I have to call NAPAC, I don't know it I can do this.

Make the call. I think you would be better getting help outside the church. You need a neutral party, in all cases counsellors need to be neutral, and I'm not sure the church can ever be that, given the circumstances.

Ring them now. You will feel relief when it's done.

I didn't call.

I called my Mum and filled her in on what Tom and I had talked about.
Mum now has her own path to travel in regards to all this. She has questions important to her to ask of him current Monastery and Abbot, now we know the investigations both here and there are finished she can do that, she didn't want to start asking her questions while there was a police/garda investigation running in fear of somehow jeopardising that.
Mum and I will still be sharing an interest in the situation with my sister and doing all we can to ensure my sisters children are not put at risk.
I have had some news in regards to my brothers little girl who my Father managed to segregate from her paternal family. Anything my Father wants to say to my nieces Grandmother (her primary carer) has to go through solicitors and he is barred from all contact with her, result! The Grandmother may now, maybe, I hope start to think about all the things my Father has said to her and just maybe, my brother may get to be in his daughters life (and for the rest of us to but the important thing is that my brother builds a relationship). So there is a positive result and social services doing their job, same service, City X but a different assigned social worker to the one who spoke to my sister and visited my brother, all the contact had with that particular social worker pointed towards the fact he had made up his mind what all this was about before knowing even a fraction of the facts (and the 'facts' he did have were all wrong!). I can only hope the letter from Tom catches a different social worker.

So, that leaves me, waiting on the counselling from my GP. I don't know if I can call the local place I was given the details of yesterday, it is a peer service rather then trained councillors and while there is great value in that I think I need professional help of the trained variety so hanging on for my GP's lot seems to be the best long term plan for now, it can't be long before I hit the top of the cue, a couple of weeks. In the mean time the local service has an email support service, I find it difficult to explain the complicated situation and express what happened to me as a child (and the way my memory works around the events) in words and do much better in type (as my police visit proved to me and a lesser extent my phone call to NAPAC last night) so I wonder if this service could help me bridge the gap in help. This is their description of the email support service, what do people think?

^You will receive an automatic reply acknowledging your message so that you know it has been received. We aim to respond to your message within 7 working days. If you need a quicker response then please phone us.

Our email support service is run by a team of volunteers. Therefore we cannot guarantee that the same person will reply if you email us more than once.

We don't save emails for more than one month, so you may like to include previous information that you have shared with us in the text of your email, if this would be helpful to you. If you have additional information that you want to share with us, please copy the information into the main body of the email as we are unable to open attachments sent to us.^

I think typing an email sounds quite good, as you can always do a draft and then adjust it if you've missed anything. However, I think you should accept the GP professional counselling when you get to the top of the list

I have just sent an email to the local support place. It is probably all over the place but it feels more like an exercise in getting it all out more then anything else.
I will be fully taking advantage of the GP counselling service and I am feeling more and more that I may need more in the way of 'professional' help by the way of psychiatry so I will see how the counselling goes and take it from there.

I just feel sick from the spinning, the flashbacks when it comes to reading the bedtime story are getting worse not better. more memory is seeping back, of him being in my bed, just holding me from behind, I can't describe the way it feels when this stuff is coming back, my heart races, I shake, I feel sick. I hate having to call him my Father.

well that's blown it hasn't it, didn't change my name, sod it, past caring.

sickabout / roadkill

Sounds like the conversation with Tom was pretty positive and thats good, hope the stuff with your sister / brothers daughter all progresses.

Sorry to hear you are getting more flashbacks etc... hope the councilling comes through soon

OK, what shall we call him instead? Old Harry springs to mind, having been listening to Old Harry's Game on Radio 4 (comedy set in hell).

When I have sick/shake/hyperventilate moments I use Rescue Remedy spray. I know it's not a replacement for proper, prescribed medication, but it helps me get through those worst few minutes. I keep some at work and some at home. It's my courage in a bottle.

have you heard back from the email counsellors? I am sure they are used to getting slightly garbled messages.

Having a different name for him would probably be good although I am working with a rather lovely young pony called Harry right now and I wouldn't want to sully him, In my mind I would like to call him by his name, not his monastic name, he doesn't deserve to have one (and tellingly he never stopped going by his monastic name in the time he was outside the church) but his given name, he hates it when people call him by his given name. I don't want to afford him the same name change courtesy I have others involved as I don't believe he deserve that either so what I will do is use a short for that he would die rather then use (far to common don't you know) so in the day I have accidently moved from posting under a different name and revealed myself (well kind of, if you were to go trawling through you would find me very identifiable) I shall, in a round about way unlikely to actually have much of a tangible link, identify him, he shall be from now on Mike, he is not my Father, never has been.

It is strange, started the day feeling very, very wobbly, wrote out that long email and sent it (wouldn't expect a reply, they say they try and do it in 7 days, although they say you will get an automated message to she receipt but haven't had anything, will double check everything, copied and pasted email address so can't really have gone wrong, the help line isn't open today so mailbox could be full or any number of things, will follow it up though, promise) and then came on here forgetting I had changed the user names over, part of me is in knots about how identifiable I am due to dd's (and mine) TV appearance and that fact I have openly talked about in on Mumsnet but strangely a larger part of me feels so totally liberated by that, somebody I know could read this and know who I was and I have realised that that's really okay, my biggest problem with sharing this with people is where the heck to start not any feeling of shame. The school experience brought that home to me, the three members of school staff who know have reacted no differently to me, the only one who has even said anything to me is the head who I had the meeting with and even that was just support, dd's class teacher (also deputy head so that reduced the number of people needing to know) and last years class teacher have not made any comments or body language to suggest anything has changed or that they pity me (nothing worse then pity), my close friend told the other two friends who I talked about me wanting to know and neither of those has said a word but I know that should I need any practical help they are there, all this has just proved what everyone here said, it is not my shame, I can hold my head high, the fears I had about putting other peoples children in his path and how people would react to that was unfounded. 'coming out' here was just one of the last steps to make, I know there is one more I need to take, my friend, kind of boss and dd's friends Mum (she is all three, has become the friend bit over the last six months as we got to know each other due to the kind of boss bit, complex, seems to be my tag line), I really, really, really want to tell her, talk to her, have her support but I just don't know where to start, a couple of times I have nearly said something when we were in her car, she gave me the perfect opportunity the other week when she asked me to clarify over my Dad (was telling her a story involving my Dad and how much I miss him still but she is also aware of Mike and his previous visits) but I simply couldn't do it, we were all of 30 seconds off her dropping me off and I had just got through telling her about a lovely memory of my Dad.
I really want to tell her though, but how, can someone help me with how? We don't do coffee, we do horses!
God I feel better, I feel downright perky right now but I know the perky won't last, its a short term buzz from being 'brave' (although accidently!), I know enough to know that, just that thought starts to make me deflate again :(