Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Listening!

I'm so glad the social worker put a smile on your face. You've handled this incredibly well, and protected your children beautifully :)

As you seem to be the only one of his children who's managed to acknowledge what your father's like, and to protect DC from him, this may have hit your brother and sister harder and differently. I think the only thing to do is let them 'do their own processes' in their own time.

Wrt what you should do now? Follow through with your counselling requests, put your feet up and chill out as much as possible :) You've done great. It's a pity your stepfather can't be here to see the story playing to its end, and to support your mother - but he'd be very proud of you, I'm sure.

Thanks, it means a great deal.
Tonight I have cried and I have got very, very angry. I got so angry with him for doing this to my children, for being responsible for my children to be part of a protection order, for my children having a file with social services, for all of this, he is such a selfish, evil man who thinks of nobody but himself, and that's the nicest of things I have felt about him tonight.
The anger makes me want to confront him but I know that is pointless, I know it, I want in my anger to write to him, to spew out all of the things I am feeling, all the damage done to countless lives but there is no point. He will never understand it, he will only play down and belittle, I know all this but the anger I feel towards him right now is so great it just wants to find a way to channel it back at him however futile that may be. I wont do it though, I am better then that, I am.

You are not alone.
Of course you feel such a churn of emotions, that is normal.

You have done really well.

If you need to let it out, would it be worth writing the letter, and then burning it ? Sometimes just the act of writing things down can be a release

hope you feel better soon

Yet again, thanks for everything, my Mum called this morning as she is finding it a little hard, wanting to know what is happening but being unable to call anybody but me to ask what is happening with social services in regard to her Grandchildren (well my sister refuses all contact with her and my brother is rather fragile in all this and she doesn't want to tip him further by calling and asking, very reasonable of her, I wouldn't want to do that either but in her shoes I would want to know as much as I could about the protection of my Grandchildren) so I was able to tell her they had made contact with me and what had happened. Talking about my siblings I used some wise words from reply's her to help her know she was doing the right things, so you are helping my Mum to, thank you. (and also she may not have my Dad any more but she does have a boyfriend and he his lovely and very supportive so she does have somebody of her own who loves her and can help her). I sent a quick email to Judy last night saying social services have been in contact with me as it was implied in her last email that she was unable to really talk to me much or tell me anything until they had acted.

I got an email reply from Judy just now reading thus:

Thank you so much for your e-mails - I would have replied earlier but
was out of the office yesterday.

I'm pleased [where I live social services] has been in touch - are they planning to visit you?

Thank you for sharing your memories with me, it can't have been easy to
write. I would like your permission to forward your e-mail to the Police
and Children's Services here who have been investigating [my Father, interestingly she used his name rather then saying your Father as she has before]. How
would you feel about this? I can see that someone needs to speak to you
and that may be me but I need to check with the other agencies whether
they would prefer to see you.

If you could let me know if I can forward the information on I would
appreciate it and then I would be in touch again after I have discussed
it with the other agencies.

I quickly replied:

Thank you for your reply. Forwarding the email is fine, it is the
reason I found the courage to write it, things long unsaid need to be
said.
[where I live] social services feel there is no need to visit me as I had
already stopped contact with no intention of restarting it and I had
already spoken to my sons pre-school and have an appointment to speak
with the head of my daughters school. They feel I am doing everything
I can already and there is no need for further action by them.
Thank you for your time and effort in this,

to which she shot back:

'll do that now and get back to you as soon as I have a response.

so, I now have the very odd feeling of being believed and that somebody with power to do things is taking it seriously. Feels very strange as I guess I always thought I would be told I was making mountains from mole hills and after all nothing big ever happened, he never raped me so what am I complaining about? I know logically and rationally that those thoughts and worries are false and that abuse often doesn't involve big major events but that sensible side of me that is full of knowledge just stops having any power when it comes to my Father, I am but a small girl with no power or understanding of anything.
I guess I will find out soon enough what happens from here. I am scared but less then I was, my biggest fear is of what my Father will do, yes I am still scared of a man who is in his late 70's, well I am not scared of him, I am terrified to the core of him.

Oh dear God, I didn't see this coming, don't ask me why but I have had an email from Judy:

I have just heard back from the Police regarding your e-mail. They would like to arrange for someone from your Police force area to visit you and discuss the contents further if you are happy to do this?

If you are can you just confirm your address is as follows:-

[my address] and let me know your telephone number please.

They also need to know where you lived when the events you describe took place.

All the best

I didn't see the police being interested, I really didn't. Maybe they just want to get him in a way they couldn't in regards to the 1969 assault (I can say that now as that is what they have officially cautioned him with). I shall have to see where this leads, I have replied to Judy with the info she requested and agreeing to the police involvement but I do think this turn of events may mean I have to have this thread removed as well as obviously it contains details, what do people think?

I've just read your whole thread, I don't have any advice but wanted to say how strong you are, and that you're doing the right thing. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this.

I don't know sickabout - I would talk to the police first, it may be that if you are unable to remember anything further they won't be able to do anything - but if you do unlock more memories it would be worth removing the thread and starting a new one just for support?

Sickabout I've just caught up and wanted to say well done on finding the courage to send that email. You have protected your children at every step and i'm pleased that the social worker could tell that just from talking to you.

You have to think of your information as a small part of a jigsaw puzzle which when put in place with all the other accounts and information adds up to a whole picture.

As regards this thread i've no idea, sending you a large

I think you have been so brave and I really respect you for standing up for your family and yourself. All of the ownership of the abuse belongs to your father whether it be sexual, physical or emotional. I hope youall come through this able to let go of any sense of guilt.

I understand your pain as I experienced similar and had my DDs needing the protection of the law to keep them safe.

Honestly, right now I don't know what to do, I am adrift with land all around me but no idea where is safe.
Had a very long phone call with my Mum last night, Social services in her city are taking a very different tack then mine. Yesterday she had a call from a social worker who told her two things, one the social worker she talked to on Tuesday was not a social worker from X city but from careline (????? who are careline and what role do they play and why do they have all this information???) and secondly that he had called my sister, asked if there were any concerns and she replies, no, no concerns and he says okay all right then??????? At least then he called my Mum who was able to say no, actually there are some quite massive concerns actually! She filled him in with a great deal of information (staying on stuff around my Father and away from the other concerns about my sister as a parent) he told her it was all very helpful and he is going to call her back today. What the hell is happening? To make it all ten million times worse my close friend (the further away one) sent me a message this morning of a copy of a facebook wall post my sister has made (she blocked me from facebook and my DH last summer when she did her flounce and Mum a good while before that), he post frightens me, sickens me and well, back to just frightening me to death, it reads:

I am thankful for my dad, he always answers my questions honestly however hard it may be. He brought me up for many years, cooked wonderful food, contributed in no small part to my sense of humour, fairness and my acceptance of people. I've grown to admire my dad even more these past few years, even though he was my idol when I was little! I love you dad, my rock (fossil!?) + my safe place in a crazy world. :) x
8 hours ago · Like ·

What the hell do I do????? My friend also copied my Mum in the forward of this message, I am steeling myself to call my Mum and get her to call social services asap, my Father is in the country NOW, my sisters children are as risk NOW but what can I do? I also selfishly think that no one will believe me when my sister is spouting this, it is his version of reality, she has conveniently forgotten or re written the truth, what about when my then partner came to her (alone, without me or my knowledge, only found out in the course of all this) and told her he has good reason to believe he was a danger to her children and please, please please never leave them alone with him, better yet never let them anywhere near him. I told you about her, I told you how much like him she was, well here is the proof of that vile pudding. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry, possibly die (but not really, mentally, just shut off my brain, that would be good)

Don't take on this burden. You can inform the police or social services of your sister's post (or your friend can, which she should have done in the first place). It is there responsibility to decide what to do. Unfortunately because of the decisions your sister has made you cannot interfere to help these children, you need to just had it to the authorities. Do not feel guilty because he/your sister have prevented you from being in their lives.

Don't worry SS are believing you. So are the police.
She is a victim too, but its not your responsibility to make her see this or deal with it.

I have just spent the last hour sobbing in my friends garden inj the rain talking to my friends Mum on the phone while my friend looked after the children so I could let it out a bit without scaring ds.
My friends Mum is fab and talks a great deal of sense, she has helped, she has helped me see that my sister putting that message up on Facebook of all places she has shot herself in the foot and made it easier for her children to be protected as she has made it clear she doesn't take any of this seriously and has no plans of abiding by the protection order.
The friend who saw the post and let me and my Mum know about it is (well she is now) not up to speed with everything and didn't know about the events of this week and that is why she didn't call social services right off, she is now going to call them (she is at work right now but is organising to allow herself to go off for a half hour or so to deal with this. I hate that my friend has to do this, she lives 100 miles from me and 150 miles from my mum, sister, brother etc so she is far from in the middle of things, due to distance and other factors I haven't talked to her about any of this yet, it has been hard, very hard although to give my friend her due, she is out of the loop but when asked has done what was needed (she was the one who had contact with my ex so had to contact him and tell him what was happening and ask him if he could help as he had experiences and information that could be very important).

I know that it is not my responsibility to protect my sisters children but it doesn't stop my heart aching for them and being so very scared for them and the reason this has sent me into such a spin is that my Father has her firmly under control (there is a massive nature v's nurture with my sister case and finding where to draw the line on her being responsible for her own behaviour, it's long, it's complex, I have gone into it a little up thread but really there is just too much to put it all down) and he has also managed to regain control of my brother by holding my brothers dd out on a stick, my brother is falling for it even though if social services do their job my Father will no longer have that control over my niece although of course it is not that simple, but my Father has my brother so hooked in that he has met him for a drink and my brother has even been to the police station with my father (to do what I am not sure, sign on for bail, the sex offenders register, I don't know) but that leaves me, the one telling a very different story, I feel alone, vulnerable, like no one will believe what I have to say when my sibling are saying something quite different. I feel like I did as a child, it was this feeling of being the outsider, the different one that lead to me being despite for the affections of my Father, that wanted in on this secret world of my Father and siblings and it was this that lead to him abusing me, that is why this has messed me up so badly.

You are feeling the obligation and guilt that comes with an abusive relationship. See FOG here. It's part of what happens when your natural urge to trust, love and share is used against you.

It won't be your word against the others. The 1969 victims have clearly made a statement, which has been taken very seriously. Your mother supports your case. Of course you are not alone, but it feels horrible - disloyal, self-doubting and, yes, lonely - to speak a truth that others are afraid to recognise.

You might gain confirmation of your sister's mindset from this page (at Out of the FOG) on cognitive dissonance & denial.

I'm very, very glad you're supported by your mother and friends. You need comfort and affirmation. If possible, try to tell Judy how upset you are over these developments; she might be able to hurry up some counselling for you.

Sending you some hugs and a comfy blanket!

I have read the info you have given there garlicnutter and it is very helpful however one of the great problems is that while I know there is no way to help my sister see past the reality she has moulded to suit her needs and desires that world she has created is putting her children at risk.
My friend spoke to social services who were less then helpful. They told her they couldn't tell her any details of the case to which she some what exasperated told them she did not want details of the case but felt this information was very important, the reply she got was 'we aren't bothered by it as long as he is supervised' ARGHHHHHHH yes, supervised by somebody who gives no credence to the concerns, believes a completely different reality and is likely, highly likely to not supervise and the other fact is that the type of abuse I suffered could quite easily (and on occasion did) happen in a room with other people, it's subtle, it wasn't great big grand actions! My Mum's call with the social worker didn't go great this morning either, they seem to want to leave my sister be because she says she has no concerns and they don't plan to visit her (!!!) yet today he says he is going to phone and visit my brother. This is going to cause far more harm then good, it is going to set my brother of on the system is against me, they want to take my children, fight the system, fight the system. My SIL is a wonderful influence on him but I think she may struggle to to deal with it, she has aspergers and can sometimes struggle with this type of interaction. City X social services are screwing up in a big way here. My Mum contact Judy about this and Judy agrees the differences between the actions of social services in my area and there's is very confusing and she is going to refer these issues back to the social worker in charge who made the referrals (see all this is complicated as the police and social services at the heart of this are in the area that the 1969 assault took place). Mum is determined she is not going to suffer a repeat of history from back when she first found out about the 1969 assault during the divorce when she shouted long and hard and everybody refused to listen leaving her in the situation that she had to send her children off every other weekend to a man she knew not only was physically abusing, mentally and emotionally abusive but also had a sexual abuse instance in his past. My poor, poor Mum, I just can't imagine. I have reassured her though that I was not physically abused by my Father in any way post divorce (the need was no longer there for him).
I will shout with my Mum but I need to concentrate on making my own statement to the police and dealing with that side which in turn will hopefully (if I am believed) help with that side of things.
I have been set back hugely by today's events but I now have to leave it in others hands, pray that city X social services don't completely destroy my brother and his family, that they get a kick up the arse by the referring social worker about my sister and concentrate, selfishly, on me and mine.
My friend is going to screen cap my sisters post when she gets home encase it is ever needed, it is worth saying though that when my friend saw that post she didn't know anything about this weeks events, she didn't know police had acted, that he was on the sex offenders register or that social workers were involved to try and protect the children (supposedly, looking at you City X!) but the post still disturbed my friend highly, her exact words, before I filled her in on this weeks events was:

I didn't know what to say about it.. Found it shocking and equally disturbing.

Anyway, have to go now and have the meeting with dd's head teacher. I predict tears, I may have got by with some small brushing away of tears if it was yesterday, today, well, I will have to give a nice donation to school to cover the amount of tissues I am likely to get through. God bless my friend who has changed her plans, put off leaving for a weekend away just so she can look after ds for me while I go to the meeting. I have to focus on the positive people around me, they friends who will do anything for me, all the people who love me and let me know it. The MN massive who also keep me strong and feed me information that is so helpful, who give me insight into why I feel what I do. Could I have got as far as I have without you, would I have had the courage to send Judy that email, would I have had the strength of mind to break though the barriers and admit to others that my Father abused me in a sexual manor? The very simple answer to that is no, there is no way I could have done it without MN.
This meeting is going to be hard but I will get through it with a little luck and allot of love.

God, it is so hard on you :( I hope the school meeting gave you confidence in them and your DCs welfare.

Yes, your friend's being fantastic! It speaks well of you that you have such good people in your life.

No wonder you're frustrated with SS - and how horrid for your mum, she must feel as though history's repeating itself. I'm really glad you went back to Judy. It does sound as though communication has gone awry via the SS systems; hope she can get that put right asap.

Give yourself another nice big thumbs-up. You're acting wisely and with huge integrity - I admire you. It's not selfish to concentrate on yourself and your own family! x

Thank you so much Garlic, you are a pillar of strength.

The meeting with dd's headteacher went well. There were tears, lots of them, from both of us. We talked not just about the protection issues but about all of it, including my sister. If my Father ever dared turn up at the school the police would be called, the headteacher said she would stand up and fight him before he would be allowed over the threshold of her school and near any of the children who are at the school. She was massively supportive, door is always open to me, there is a councillor who comes into school every Monday morning and I am welcome to make use of her (well until the end of term when funding is lost, thank you David Cameron). She gave me the strength and encouragement to continue to do the right thing, she assured me that my dd showed no signs of abuse. She said that the staff would only need to know that my Father is not allowed on school premises or to take dd but not why. I told her that I thought it would be a good idea if dd's teachers knew what was happening, I have done my best to keep all this from her but she is nobodies fool and she will know something is up. I have told dd that if she has any questions or worries she can talk to me any time (well that has always stood, I have just reminded her of that a bit more then normal) but I accept that she may for what ever reason not want to talk to me and may choose to talk to her teacher and it is best all round that the teachers are in the know, they can then also keep an eye on her and act if she seems off or upset so her current teacher and next years teacher (who also happens to be the schools safeguarding officer) will be told. Poor headteacher said towards the end of our meeting that she was worried I was coming in with some problem of complaint about dd at school and she had been a bit confused to what it might be as dd is a happy girl who loves school and is making wonderful progress. I wish there had been a way of letting her know before what it was all about but there wasn't, I also apologised for giving her all this last thing on a Friday, how everybody needs to start their weekend! We finished the meeting with a huge hug. I always loved dd's school and knew if was fantastic but this just puts it even higher in my esteem.

After we all got home I looked again at an email from Judy yesterday afternoon, I hadn't looked at it closely as it was simply a thank you for the info I will pass it on. The second read revealed a second line, simply asking how I was, well, today, my flood gates are opened so I replied:

Hi, how am I? That's quite a question today, a day I have spent more
time in tears then I have not. I have had to have the meeting with my
daughters head teacher today, I knew that she would be quite lovely,
supportive and helpful but it really didn't make it any easier, but it
is done now and she reassured me like the pre-school did that my
children show no signs of abuse and are happy settled children who are
progressing well. There has been quite a storm with my sister today,
one I believe my Mum has made you aware of. I can't even begin to try
and explain the emotions that this evoked. One of the main themes is
that of being very alone and vulnerable, with one sibling saying what
she is, and one who is so mixed up I don't know what he thinks or
feels really and then you have me. I feel very much like I will not be
believed, be told I am making things from nothing. I feel like that
little girl again. I am very afraid and even though I can rationally
say he can do me no harm unless I allow him to the emotion takes over
and I am a little girl petrified with fear. So many of my thoughts and
feeling are contradictory of each other, make little sense to others
who thankfully don't understand because they had a normal and good
childhood.
I realise I am probably making little since, I am completely
emotionally strung out today and still having to wear the everything
is good smile for my children and it is probably not fair of me to
write this to you so I am sorry for that but I am lost and trying to
find direction again.

so yeah, ummm, I let it out.

Good for you! We all need someone who gets it, to 'hear' us properly.
I really hope you manage to have a peaceful weekend, sickabout :) Take care.

Thanks for the thought Garlic I can't explain how much it means to know somebody out there is thinking of me even though they have never met me, I can't explain it.

After I posted on Friday I got an email back from Judy:

Thank you for sharing that with me, it isn't easy I know. Everything you say does make sense and your emotions and reactions are very normal and common, albeit hard to go through.

[where I live] Police contacted me earlier by e mail but I haven't been in the office so will call them Monday morning. They would like to see you just for a chat first and have said you can have me or someone else to support you. I realise we haven't met yet so understand you may wish to choose someone close to you but I will come if you want me to.

I'll call Monday when I know more. I know you're struggling at the moment and we'll try to help you as much as we can.

Best wishes

By that time on Friday I was completely emotionally wrung out and honestly could handle no more, I kind of shut down, I went to bed at 7pm with the children and fell into an almost unconscious sleep, I didn't surface again until 7.30am on Saturday. I woke feeling refreshed, had a busy day ahead and then my Sunday job called asking where I was, I had completely forgotten I was meant to be working on Saturday as well, I simply couldn't go in because of my other commitments, it is just not like me to overlook something like that but I told myself it was really understandable given everything and life will go on (I may however have a quiet word with one of the work people to let them know a basic outline so they can understand a bit better when I do things like this). I spent a nice day doing things I love, the children stayed with the in laws for the night so DH and I had a nice afternoon and evening but with the topic of my Father off the table. it was nice and I feel better but only because I haven't let it in, I have pushed it down again but not to the depths, just ready to come back tomorrow for me to continue dealing with it.
I have however given some thought to the matter of who to have with me for my chat with the police. My friend would happily do it however she doesn't, thankfully, understand many of the emotions that go with all this and I am thinking that her support could be better used in other ways like the sholder to cry on after and childcare. Even though I have yet to meet Judy and have only spoken to her once on the phone and then by email I am feeling that she may be the better option, she understands, it is her job, she sadly will have had to do things like this before and I feel safe in her hands. I would be interested in what people thought, my friend or Judy?

I just checked my answer phone and I have a call from the health visitor which is no surprise and social services said they would be contacting her and I have the rare (it seems) gift of a good health visitor. She gave me her direct dial number and also said if she didn't hear from me she would try Monday so I will give her a call tomorrow morning although I may have to jig some things around as I am due in pre-school as parent helper! It makes me angry again at X city social services, I have now found that they told my other friend what they did and wouldn't even let her tell them what the content of the message that concerned her so much was! You have my social services contacting my health visitor, telling me I had to tell the schools or they would and you have them just saying, oh well, if there are no concerns then all is a-okay, without even looking into the mental state of the person telling them that and it seems refusing to listen to the people shouting NO, things are not fine! The X city social worker didn't even have his basic facts right when he visited my brother (which put his back up no end), well, the fight to sort all that out continues tomorrow but today, today is my nieces 16th birthday and I know right now my Father will be with her, my sister and her two other children aged 6 and 10. Yeah X-city social service, everything is just lovely!

My thoughts would be to take Judy and keep your friend as someone to give you emotional support as and when. Judy isn't going to be phased by anything you say and you may find it easier to tell your friend once you've processed things more yourself.

but that is just my opinion listen to your gut instinct.

It really sad that social services have done nothing to protect your niece

I agree, Judy will be a safe pair of hands if you feel okay with that. Do what makes you feel safe for what will, probably, be a taxing interview.

Of course you're worried/angry/sad about your sister's children. Let's hope your father's on his best behaviour, in view of current events.

I'm so glad you got 12 hours' sleep! Must have been like water in the desert :)
It's great that you understand why you forgot about work, too. I agree it might be wise to tell them you have "family problems" in case of future blips. They'll imagine something even worse than the truth They sound quite understanding, and you need that.

Hope you're enjoying the sunshine and not reading this!!

Thank you for your insights, they fit with my feelings also. Going to talk to my friend and ask her what she thinks (even though she will say what ever I want and that she will do anything I need, also she has already offered to do the hand holding bit when we were gearing up for a meeting with Judy before the game changed), I don't think it would be right of me not to talk to her about it and explain my reasons why I feel Judy would be a better fit for this occasion. I am largely going down the Judy route for my own reasons - understanding of the procedures, understanding of the emotions, experience in these areas and also if I am honest I am not sure I want to talk in detail about these memories in front of my friend, not just yet anyway and then also I am leaning towards the Judy route for my friend also, I know this has been a big shock and burden to her also and she has struggled with it all (early on she asked me if it would be okay for her to talk to her Mum about it as she was finding it hard to deal with) and I don't want to put more on her. She has been my absolute rock, she has done everything I have asked and more, she has nursed me though the hardest of times, looked after my children, sorted out my shopping and many many other things, she says she wished she knew what to do/there was more she could be doing and I reassure her she is being the perfect friend, I know she will do anything for me but I don't want to put her in a bed place if I don't need to any more then I have already and in this case, with Judy making the offer I think it is the right thing for me to take her up on it.

City X social services are still doing themselves proud in the stupid front and my sister is still digging her hole even deeper on Facebook (god dam Facebook but at least her Facebook stupidity might just be part of the puzzle that finally protects her children), I won't go into it fully but let me just say she is now seemingly denying she wrote what she wrote (we have screen caps of all) after it seems the worlds best social worker has been in contact with her sigh.
My Father goes back to Ireland tomorrow (yeah, have given up skirting around that one, think it was bloody obvious and with it looking like the Garda may be getting involved it is relevant as the Garda aren't taking any prisoners when it comes to Church abuse scandals these days) and I am hoping and praying that what with it having been a birthday celebration and him still smarting from the police action the children have been safe this past week and today (he used to be a big drink driver then one night he got pulled over by the police, somehow managed to pass the breath test but it spooked him and he has been much better about drink driving since, I guess men like him are secretly scared of authority), at least from tomorrow I wont have the fear I have had the last few days for my sister children (and my other niece, sadly I have no idea and no way of finding out what is happening with her :( I can only hope it is better but it is likely to be the same social worker so...) and we can work to get all of this sorted to a point that the children are safe without the added time pressure.

Garlic, I had a chance to properly look at the out of the fog pages today and I have to say this outofthefog.net/Disorders/EDD.html has sent chills down my spine, it described my sister to a T, you can see it in the posts I wrote about her a while ago when I was worrying over if I should try and contact her (at least that question is answered :( ), I am so very, very angry at her for failing to protect her children (and as I said, I don't really want to go into it but there are many more concerns with her as a parent, she ticks almost all the boxes on that link in regards to her children) but I am in equal, if not greater measure so very, very, very sad for her. I may have suffered the physical and sexual abuse but you know what, I am okay, parts of my life are deeply effected by it but I am able to have a happy stable life and parent my children while not perfectly (because there is no such thing) I feel I do my very best by them and they are happy, healthy and well adjusted, all their physical and emotional needs are met but the sheer level of physiological abuse my sister has suffered, continues to suffer is so diabolical it had broken her mind completely. Yes I suffered physiological abuse to but I was younger, I went on to have a descent and good Father figure (my sister rejected my Dad absolutely unless money was involved and then the way she treated him even then makes me cry to this day), I had a bond with my Mum that due to my illness my Father was unable to warp in the same way, I am by personality more like my Mum while she had the disadvantage of being more like our Father in the first place and that made her putty in his hands and he has destroyed her and in doing so is destroying three more children. My brother has been completely messed up to, I don't know how but he has managed to come out more intact then my sister (and that really is saying something really) so in all of this, my Fathers greatest victim is my sister and the sad, sad irony is the very nature of the abuse she is suffering (because it continues to this day) means she is the only one who can't see she is being horribly abused. I could cry a river for her but I must remain strong enough that I don't allow her to destroy her children by letting her continue as she is by making excuses for her.
Sorry, another essay. Seems I am writing a book here.

Tomorrow is going to be another hard day, every single reply I get here gives me a bit more strength, thank you, I really, really need it.

It is sadly ironic, isn't it, that your childhood frailty protected you from worse depredations. I'm so sorry that all this has happened - and also glad that (at least some of) the lies & delusions are reaching an end. I imagine it's a comfort to your mum that you're in touch with reality; this whole business must be incredibly challenging for her as well as for you. You seem to be doing a sterling job of navigating your way through such a horrible situation! It's good that you recognise, and reach out for support.

It's too late to write much now, but wanted to let you know I've read what you wrote about your thoughts and about your sister. I wish you the best for today's calls and emails, and am reminding you to nurture yourself and your family! x

I just a quick note to let you know I will be here silently cheering you on, hoping to give you strength for today.
You have so much to be proud of in that post, especially your children.

good luck today