Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Well. Had the morning at pre-school and then came home to a message on the phone from the police. Called back and a lady from the child abuse team will be coming to see me a week Thursday. After that I called my health visitor back. We had a chat, talked about counselling, things are moving in that direction. She explained that this had to be put on mine and the children's health records but it is put in such a way that it doesn't pop up every time we go into the doctors for something. She said she was so confused when she got the message that social service wanted to talk to her about me and my children as she couldn't think of anything it could possibly be, she described my children as delights. At the end of our chat I asked her advice on the situation with my sister and city X social services. I explained in a very bare bones way that ss had said that as long as contact was supervised they weren't interested but they hadn't stopped to look at the person who would be supposedly supervising this contact. I told her the first couple of lines from my sisters Facebook message. My health visitor was extremely concerned and advised me to contact my social worker about my concerns and to also tell the police about it when I saw them. I want to speak to my Mum before I call my social worker (I hate that man for making me have a dam social worker, got nothing against my social worker, he has been great so far but why the hell should I have a god dam social worker!) to see if she has had any news on her efforts this morning. She seems to have gone to work which is good, she must, like me, be doing a little better, we have missed each other on phone calls twice today so far, we will catch each other at some point.

I have sent an email to Judy telling her the time and date of police meeting and asking if she could come over for it. I spoke to my friend who understands (well, kind of, she is happy for me to make the call, will do what ever I ask but I think struggles to understand to emotions involved, to her it is simple, he can't physically hurt you, you don't need to be frightened, how I wish it worked like that!). (on a more amusing note I keep calling 'Judy' Judy in real life, oops, must get that straight in my head by next week!)

I think, right now that's all to tell, you are all keeping me going, thank you for all the messages, they really do make a difference.

Here was I thinking things had settled down, that until I see the police next week the worse had passed and I wouldn't be needing to worry about things or get upset, I could back burner it until then apart from calling my areas social services about my concerns with city X's reaction.
I just opened my email to find this piece of horror:

Dear [me] and [DH],

As you will gather I saw both [brother] and [sister] and their families over last weekend, and of course I am particularly glad to have renewed good relations with [brother] and his (relatively) new family. We all ([brother's] family and I) went out to lunch last Saturday, and I went out with [sister] and that lot on Monday (No reconciliations on that front unfortunately).

As you see, I?m forwarding my message to [brother] and [sister], so you will gather they have had some hassle from Social Services in [city X] ? based in fact on bad communications, false assumptions or whatever. And I gather from [brother] that you have also had problems with the [my location]lot. The information I have given them may well be of help to you.

I need hardly say that I am truly sorry that all this has arisen in the way it has, and particularly in the way I sprang it on you in the first instance. I can only offer the excuse that I had been under enormous emotional pressure.

With all my love, and hoping to be able to see you in January or February.

Dad/[his monastic name]

his forwarded attachment was this:

Dear [brother] and [sister]

I did manage to contact Xxxxx Xxxxx, my solicitor, but not in time to let you both know the outcome.

She is clear about two things which it would helpful if you could say to [city x] Social Services, namely that my caution relates to ?Indecent assault on a MAN, aged sixteen or more?, so it is NOT to do with paedophilia, and that the matter of the sex offenders? register was automatically triggered by the caution. There was no intention that my contact with grandchildren should be impeded.

To confirm this they should apply to Xxxx Xxxx, [address and telephone number] and, if that does not satisfy them, to DC Xxxxx Xxxxx, [area 1969 assault took place] Police, [address and telephone number] After all the problems of last week it is important to get this understood and sorted out so that there is no repeat of the trouble next time I come to [City X].

I?m really sorry you had all this hassle, but let?s hope it can be cleared up now.

Needless to say, I really enjoyed seeing you all this last weekend.

Love to all, Dad

I am shaking, have cold sweats, I feel threatened but also very angry, I want to bring his house of cards down but I am terrified of him and that the police will not be able to do anything more. I forwarded this email onto Judy immediately, I am wondering if I should contact both my social worker and the lovely police officer I spoke to yesterday about this. I don't know if others will be able to see why this feels like a threat and it is hard for me to explain why, it is the isolating of me aspect, the they are all together and I am being unreasonable, I am the silly one, I need to listen to what he says, forwarding me the message about his solicitor feels threatening. I wonder if anybody else can see this threat or if it is just me/me reading in from experience, it would be very helpful for me to know that when it comes to contacting ss and police.

I feel lost again. I had just started feeling better (only because I had put it away but still), my DH is unfortunately out, I am alone in the house (apart from children so can't nip over to friends). I need to get the courage together to forward this to Mum and then take the phone call. Help. please.

GRRRRRRR!!!!! What a self-serving twat. As ever, he's trying to minimise the facts and re-write reality. Yes, he is isolating you but my overriding impression is that he's scared - and covering it up with arrogance.

Interesting that he seems to have fallen out with your sister? Or did he mean her partner?

If I were you I wouldn't intervene. Let the processes unfold according to their own rules. It could be a good idea to ring Judy, though, if you're still steaming and need more explanation about what's really happening.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please try and rest properly. x

It isn't clear to people who don't know but the reconciliation bit is about my sister (she is single, well if you don't count her internet boyfriend in Florida)and my brother, they have not reconciled with each other (well my brother would be she won't, she has her reasons, most of them valid but she has gone about things the wrong, very wrong way but that's another story!).
The arrogance is always there, it is just him, he is right, he rules, he is the boss, end of, that is that.
He is making several things clear to me, he doesn't know quite where I sit as I stopped the visit so he is trying to play both sides of the fence, he is telling me anything I say to my brother will be passed on (good job I hadn't found the guts to talk to him yet then), he is trying to show me that the law is on his side (that won't cut it though, I know what he was cautioned with and he left out the second offence which was sexual assault and I am 99% sure they were both on a minor, but see how he has me questioning myself), he expects to waltz into my home early next year. He has legal representation (message being you know if you do anything I can afford good representation, you won't win). To be honest I can read through those things and they don't both me.. too much but I guess it proves you have to know him, be under his control to see the threats involved in this message, I simply can't put it in words and I can't explain it, it is something that runs deep.
I will call my social worker tomorrow but not the police. I have already forwarded to Judy and she has contact with all the teams in the area that is at the heart of this so I will take her lead.
One thing that he probably hasn't counted on is that this rather then scare me into inaction just shows me how much I need to continue what I am doing, tell the truth of my childhood and see what happens.

"One thing that he probably hasn't counted on is that this rather then scare me into inaction just shows me how much I need to continue what I am doing, tell the truth of my childhood and see what happens."

Exactly. The fact that he's STILL trying to minimise this, pretending it's some "hassle" that can be "cleared up" shows how important it is for you to keep telling people the truth. I'm fuming from reading his email and I'm just a stranger, I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Although it will be hard, in a way it's a good thing that you'll be speaking to the police, as you can make sure they get the full facts.

I hope your DH is back soon and that you manage to get some rest.

My god he is so manipulative, no wonder you are reeling.

Stay strong, this must be so hard.
You are doing so well. But you are right, what an utter bastard for putting you through this.

Stay strong, well done for all you have achieved so far

Hello sickaboutdad. "Delurking" to let you know that you have another supporter here. I came late to the original thread and didn't get to read it all, but am listening and believing you and applauding your courage and perseverance. Hope you are taking good care of yourself.

Just remembering something I read recently about the way work elephants in India are chained to a post by their foot when they are young, so that even when they are fully grown and perfectly able to escape, they still assume that the chain is stronger than they are. It was talking about the power of old experiences, and it ended something like "It's not only elephants who grow stronger with time."

Hope the last couple of days have been more peaceful.

Thanks for the lovely messages, it really does make a huge difference.
I haven't heard a whisper from Judy since the email last Friday telling me that the police were getting back to her Monday and would be getting in contact with me to sort out a chat (which they did on Monday, see the police on Thursday morning, can't go to the end of term church service with school, for some reason this makes me smile in a black humour kind of way!) and she would be willing to be my supporter. I emailed her Monday with the news from the police, telling her the date and time and asking her if she could be my supporter and let me know if the date and time were okay as the police were willing to jig around a bit. I emailed again on Tuesday to forward the email from my Father. Nothing. When nothing arrived this morning I knew I had to do something, the pressing matter is if she is able to come and support me and I wasn't keen to be hanging over the weekend, she has in the past always emailed me first thing if I have emailed her over the weekend or in the evening so I knew when I got back from toddlers at noon no email would be coming. I called the office at regular points through the afternoon and can only come to the conclusion that they don't work (in the office) Fridays, checked last weeks messages and sure enough they are all from her Blackberry but this still doesn't explain the lack of contact, she has always told me before if she was going to be out of office for more then a day. Maybe she is ill but given the situation last Friday I would have thought she would at least have a member of her team contact me (as she has done before). It is making me very nervous and wondering what is going on. I sent her an email late this afternoon just saying I really needed to know in regards to the police visit and hoping all was okay. Have to just wait until Monday now.

I had a letter from social services this week that just said that they had no concerns as I have said there will be no contact and they support this, they said they had contacted my health visitor (which I knew) and she has no concerns about my little family and would ensure I accessed support for myself (which she is doing). They said that the case would NOT be closed (I would guess because there is an active protection order [or something along those lines]) and they gave me the contact numbers for any issues, questions, concerns. I would really rather hear from Judy before I contact my social worker in regards to the things my Father said in the email and my sisters children as she is part of and had contact with the multi agency teams that are at the heart of this while my social worker only has the referral sent from them and it seems to make the most sense to try and sort this out/get clarification from the people who actually made the decisions in the first place. As he is back in Ireland my nieces and nephews are not currently at risk from him (although I worry about the boys at school at the monastery although they are on school holidays already) so I feel I can afford to take my time and try and do this the best way possible. I do now know however that City X social services had my brother and sil sign something saying only supervised contact was allowed (although, the children of a known sex offender are not suitable to be the ones supervising in my opinion, and I include myself in that). SIL also says the contact they had was a very awkward hour sitting in an outside cafe, not quite the picture he paints in his email is it!

I made a bit of a cock up within my role on the toddler group committee today, nothing that wasn't easily sorted but still, it is so not like me, the chair knew something was up with me and I haven't been myself, I have missed a few meetings (one being the AGM, not good for a major committee post holder like myself) and she also happened to be standing outside the door of the school as I came of of my meeting their last Friday and saw the puffy eyes, she did ask if I was okay but I was in no fit state, thankfully I had the protective arm of my friend put around me and my friend simply said I had a lot going on but I was going to be okay (was I thankful for that or what, think I may have become a puddle otherwise!), anyway, nearly told her today, we were stud in the hall kitchen, I was apologising for my error, she was saying it was fine and was I okay, I wanted to tell her, I trust her, have known her for years, she is not a gossip but I did my impression of a goldfish for a few minutes while I tried to find the words to start (have really honed those gold fish impressions, Britain's got talent maybe?), was almost there when someone else walked in. She told me that everyone understood and I didn't have to talk about anything I didn't feel able. How did I end up with so many lovely people in my life?
My friend has offered to tell people for me if I want them to know but struggle to know how to even start the conversation. She said I could tell her to butt out if I wanted, bless her, I told her that actually, that would be really helpful, there are two people who I really want to know, one knows a tiny, tiny amount of it but both are people I know I can relay on and trust for emergency childcare, I know I can trust them both with my privacy, they are my friends, not as close and in one case in fairly early stages but I trust them with my children and myself so my other friend telling them takes a load off, they would both help me without knowing the reasons why, they wouldn't even ask, they know it would be something big for me to even ask but I feel it is only fair.

Not sure how I have managed to write so much when the main news is there is nothing to tell .
My Mum gave me a really empowering image when I finally got her guts to contact her after the email, she told me of a time, towards the end of the divorce (they had to live in the same house to final order as Mum had nowhere to go without leaving us, Father put every block in her path when she tried to find a way to get us away from him and he refused to move out), she stood at the bottom of the stairs, he was a few steps up, there had been some sort of argument, Mum told me she stud there and said 'go on then, hit me, do it, but I know the truth of you and I will always know', my Father just walked down and past her, she told me it was the most empowering thing she had ever done and when ever I feel threatened and scared of him to picture her standing there telling him to just hit her.

That's such a moving post, sickabout. I'm really tired now but wanted to tell you how glad I am that you are surrounded by good people :) Very frustrating about Judy, and actually quite funny about your SIL's contrasting account of their meeting with your father!

I liked peamum's elephant story a lot. Even if you don't feel like it yet, you seem to have shaken off that imaginary 'chain' successfully. You are a shining example.

Wishing you and yours a peaceful, happy weekend.

Sickabout, I been following you on and off. Just wanted to say you seem like you are handling this so well and I am in awe. Your father is obviously a very practised manipulator. In NZ, the Maori have saying we've been hearing a lot since the quake:

Kia Kaha. Stay strong.

But you are already doing it.

Keep going and embrace all the lovely friends you have around you.

Your father is clearly scared and will do anything and everything he can to get this dropped.

Best wishes and stay strong.

It's so good to know you are feeling supported in RL. I hope Judy gets in touch and that gets cleared up, and that she will be there to support you on Monday. That must be a huge thing to face too, but I know you can do it. Your mum's image will give you strength.

Who does Judy work for? Is she employed by the church to liaise?

Apologies if I have missed it somewhere.

Hi all.
I will quickly answer EndaHoran before I give my small (promise will try and not go on and on forever as normal), Judy is the Head of the Church's child protection team for the diocese where the 1969 case happened and are therefore at the route of the original investigation that has triggered all this. She is a social worker but not a statutory social worker (she works for the church not a local authority, she has now 'power'), she was the first point of access I got after my Father was told he must give contact details for his children (he says she tricked him, Haaaaahaaaaa!!!), it was her name he used in an email to me and I was able to google her thanks to her rather unusual name. She has become my contact point for knowing what is going on although she is not able to give direct information about police or social services investigations and she is bound to pass over anything we tell her to the authorities. She works for the church but she is clearly not on the churches 'side', she is responsible for making sure the church lives up to it's responsibilities to look after me, my siblings and our children. I hope that clarifies who Judy is, sometimes I forget that much more detailed information about things and emails were on the original thread!

Back to today, obviously it is not long now until my chat with the police and as I had still not heard from Judy I phoned her office today. She has been out sick and when she is sick she switches off her blackberry (more then reasonable, her line of work it would be very hard not to feel you had to respond to things, even if you feel like death yourself. Judy can't make Thursday and I can't reschedule now due to childcare. She was very very sorry about this, I could tell she was trying to figure out ways she could get here and it was then I realised that I am actually okay to do this on my own, in fact, it feels easier to do this on my own. The officer who is coming seems very nice and is from the local child abuse team so I feel comfortable with her going from our brief telephone call, she seems nice.

During the course of our conversation two things came to light, first of all she is very concerned about my brother. When the social services referrals went out a packet was also sent to Ireland and Judy has discovered that the packet may have accidentally been either sent to both the police and his current abbey or to the abbey alone (it could be it went to just the police but something somewhere along the paper trail has got her very worried), the packet included to concern my Mother has in regard to my brother ever having suffered sexual abuse at the hands of our Father, now if it went to the Abbey my Father then has this information and can you imagine the damage that is could course.
Secondly she said that when she spoke to my Father in the course of the investigation he seemed very worried about what else may come about apart from the known assault in 1969. Take away the abuse I suffered and still statistically the boy in 1969 was not his first, it was just when he got caught. My Father was at the school as a monk from his mid 20's and he was 38 when he was caught, honestly it doesn't bare thinking about. It could be that he was worried about what my brother and I might say, I know he had reason to be nervous with me because I know that sexual abuse (although low level) took place, with my brother I don't think we will ever know if there was sexual abuse.

That's about it for now, I have been busy, busy, busy so had no time to dwell on anything, tomorrow again is manic, finishing one of my jobs for the summer but have been offered another one to cover the summer holidays so going in after work tomorrow to find out where everything is then dd having a friend over, I am non stop until the police are due to arrive at 10am on Thursday.

One last thing is today had to have a quick word with the school as dd told me a boy from the reception class has been pulling down her pants to look at the privates in the playground. I could have cried with relief when dd's teacher wasn't in the classroom in time for me to have a word so I spoke to one of the TA's, her class teacher will know about all this now (although bless every member of staff who will know at the school, not one has acted differently towards me) and I just couldn't bare to think about the look I could get reporting something like that with current events.

Grateful of any feedback or thoughts as ever, really helps when I hit a low point to come and look at the nice, kind, helpful and caring comments people make, thank you (darn, that wasn't sort at all was it )

Please don't trust Judy. I'm in Ireland and the church here is rotten to the core. If Judy is genuine she will totally understand why you cannot trust anyone involved with the Catholic Church.

You need independent support. I'll try to find you some numbers, there are many organisations both here and in the U.K. dealing with the fall-out caused by these monsters.

www.oneinfour.ie/get-help/advocacy/

www.macsas.org.uk/

www.londonirishcentre.org/index.php/community-welfare/history/

The last link is for the London Irish Centre, it is a support group for Irish people, but they will know where to refer you to get independent support. My mum was in a Catholic Orphanage as a child and the Irish Centre have been a fantastic help to her.

I know you have enough on your plate right now, but I strongly recommend you don't trust anyone from the church, which Judy is.

My very best wishes to you, you are doing fantastically well.

Well, the police have been and gone. Was very hard, I couldn't explain myself very well at all, the things I remember from my childhood seem very innocuous, it is when it is all put together that it becomes clearer and I found it very hard to do that. The police officer is going to contact the team who are dealing with all this in the area that are running the investigation into my Father and get back to me this afternoon. She doesn't think it will be taken any further, she said that the original teams will look at it all and decide if there is anything to pursue when combined with the information they have. The police said that it was all defiantly inappropriate sexual behavior but because everything is very cloudy and the clearest thing is very subjective it would be hard to do a formal statement. I am not sure what I think of this just yet, it is kind of what I expected, I didn't think the police would be at all interested when I sent Judy the email so was surprised when they wanted to come and talk to me but even with all that considered part of me would like to see my Father having to face up to the things that he has done. My Father however will never face up to any of this even if he were to stand trial and be found guilty he would find a way to twist things into him having done no wrong so I know really there is no point wishing for him to face up and take responsibility. I also feel quite relived that it looks like this will go no further because I am so very, very scared of my Father. I showed the police the most recent email from my Father, the one where he talks about having lunch with my brother and also my sister and how social services have got it all wrong etc etc. I explained how I didn't think people would see it as threatening on the surface without knowing him but how I found it threatening when you know him and how he works. She asked me to forward that email on to her (we did it there and then) so she could refer to it when reporting to the other force. She also said that the would make sure it was known how terrified I am of my Father finding out I am not singing from his hymn sheet.
I am not sure where I go from here, will know more this afternoon when the police officer gets back to me and then I think for me I need to make an appointment with my doctor and push ahead with the counselling request as I feel we are now getting to the point where things will slow down and then stop when it comes to the official side (will still be fighting for my nieces and nephews safety however but that is a side note, that's not directly to do with me if that makes sense) and I worry that is when I am going to flounder, I need an outlet, one that can help me and counselling is the only real way to go.

On the note of Judy, yes, she works for the church and I am more then aware and have suffered due to the churches habit of brushing under the carpet, discrediting and pressuring witnesses and victims. I honestly feel that Judy is not part of that old church and her actions so far have shown that but when it comes to trust, well, what is there to trust, I am unsure if trust really comes into it, the only way my trust could be broken was if somebody from the official side of things told my Father of everything I have said and done in this time and if they were to do that the police would hear of it quick smart, all these people are bound by law when it comes to confidentiality. I am scared witless of my Father finding out but from the way Judy has handled everything this far her telling my Father is not a concern, she seems to bloody hate him to be honest!

So, I think I am okay, I am not quite ready to go and pick up ds from my friend, need a little more time, I am still a little shaky and I wish I could have been more articulate about things (I can write these things so much better then I can ever say them), tears have budded but then receded, because it looks like this won't go any further I have to admit I feel relieved, I wish I didn't feel that way, I wish I could want to see him punished for the things that he has done but the sense of relief that it is unlikely they will interview him with regard to me is completely overwhelming the feelings of wanting him to answer for his actions.

so well done for going through with that and being so brave. It must have been a very harrowing experience, with a lot of very conflicting emotions whirling around.
I hope your counselling helps you work through that and get to a calmer place.
big hugs

Great to hear it from the Gov finally wasn't it HolyShmoley?

Thinking of you after your hard day. And think it's great that you are anticipating the floundering and putting some support in place for yourself.

You're doing so well, and I am still here admiring your strength. Virtual hugs x