Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Thank you so much garlic for taking the time and effort to reply, you have certainly not crossed any lines, you have given me information, options and tools, those are the things I am most desperate for right now, there has been nothing but support and constructive advice from you throughout so the notion of you needing forgiveness or you being insensitive just seems a little ludicrous to me, time and time again you have been the voice of understanding, support and advice, you have been one of the people who have helped me survive.
I haven't had a chance to read the link on flashbacks yet but I will and see if there is anything I feel able to use in this time I am waiting for face to face counselling.
Speaking of which I phoned the GP's surgery today just after I posted to chance up my referral, neither of the two counselling were in today and they handle there wait list themselves so was unable to get any information on how long I am likely to be waiting (as we are now just past the 6-8 week mark they gave in the letter) and if there is any chance of squeezing me in earlier given my situation is very much active and in the now (not that I like the idea of bumping anyone else down, anyone who has had the guts to go to the GP and ask for help is in a place where they really need the help and I don't feel any more deserving then the next person, it is just that I am struggling so much right now, I need to make decisions that I don't feel able to make without help, I don't know what I expect of them truthfully, I don't want them to bump somebody else but I do need help), what ever happens I think I will feel better once I have 'touched base' with them and know more how long it is likely to be until we can start. They are in tomorrow both morning and afternoon so I will call when I get home from work at lunch time.
I got an email from Tom this evening and I feel well and truly like the church have now washed their hands of me. Good news is that City X social services have now paid a visit to my sister, they to are unsure she accepts the serious nature of things with 'Mike' and the threat to children that he poses however she has a partner who socail services feel they can rely on (who this is I have no clue at all, last I knew her 'partner' was a guy who lived in Florida, I need to investigate this and see what is going on, if she has a new partner then the relationship is less then 6 months old or she has spun social services some kind of line or the situation is somewhere in between, I suspect the latter). Social services have stipulated that he shall not stay at her address and there will be no unsupervised contact with the children, social services will monitor the situation for any changes, Tom feels that this is better then where were were and it is the best we are going to achieve at this time, I have to sadly agree, we will never get what I want (he only sees the children in a contact centre supervised by a non involved responsible adult).
Now the bit that makes me feel like the church are done with me and kicking me to the curb. In regards to the repeated attempts at contact from 'Mike', to quote Tom:

As for the calls you get, I'm afraid I can't help. I can understand how upsetting things are for you but you can really only pay to block, change your number or tell him his calls aren't welcome. Stark choices, I know, and I wish I could offer a better solution.

I hope contact with NAPAC helps, Roadkill.

Kind regards

It could be just my fragile feelings especially towards the church and their attitude of 'well he wasn't our problem when he abused you so don't ask us for the help we promised you when this started' but this really does feel like the church had pulled my plug, there is a final feel to this email, I wonder if that's just me though?

Had a good chat with DH tonight, I hadn't realised I hadn't told him about the email 'Mike' sent after the last time I accidently picked up the phone. DH started trying to reassure me he hadn't sent any facebook requests to him and I had to cut him off to tell him I knew he hadn't sent anything, not since all this came out anyway, I know since DH set up Facebook mobile when I got my android phone it somehow triggered Facebook to send out friend requests to every single 'people you might know' friend suggestions, I have assumed that this 'invitation' that 'Mike' talks about was either from something like that (when it goes through your email contacts) or something from ages and ages ago, the mechanics of it really aren't important, I think for a moment he was worried I thought he had been trying to contact 'Mike'! We had a long chat anyway, explained all the feelings of grief, he doesn't understand, I am glad he doesn't, it means he had a good and loving family unit growing up without all this conflict, I am happy for him not to understand, it is a blessing that he doesn't and it helped him see why I can't really talk to him about the feelings I am having, why I just talk to him every week or so and give him an over view, explain my reactions, actions and lack of action in regards to things. I told him that it seemed the best option would be to change our phone number (he is happy with what ever cause of action I feel suits my needs best) but explained why I don't quite feel able to to that just yet.
I know I have said before that my Mum has passed on her gratitude for that fact you have all been here for me but I am not sure I have passed on the gratitude from my DH that you are all here for me, he is dreadfully sorrowful that there is a group of people easily on hand for me to talk through these strange and complicated emotions because they have suffered there own versions of the traumas I am facing but he is very grateful that you are here and are willing to help me, it eases his worry for me and fills a need he just can't because he doesn't have the experiences (thank God!).

Anyway, I just wanted you to know how special you are, how it is not just me you are helping but my Mum, My DH and my children to. The Catholic church can go take a long walk of a short pier, they can wash my hands of me but their hands will never be clean.

Well, with a little bit of digging I have discovered that my sister yet again seems to have played a blinder on social services.
This partner who they are confident in when it comes to ensuring that my sisters children are properly supervised when in contact with 'Mike' is the person I thought it might be. Pure luck of timing meant that when social services knocked on her door he was there. He was there on his first ever visit to the UK from Florida where he lives. He and my sister have been in a relationship for 5 years, she has been to Florida twice (without children, she left the children with my Mum both times breaking her eldest dd's heart the second time as she had promised her after the first time that she would take her with her the next time and then refusing to honour her promise). Neither are in a situation where regular visits are possible.
I do like this guy my sister is with, he seems a nice man, sensible, has been good for her in many ways (but other times not so good but the good outweighs the bed), if this guy could be there whenever 'Mike' visited I would trust that he would keep a close eye and has a much better grasp on reality then my sister (it wouldn't be ideal, his knowledge comes only from my sister and her opinions on the matter however, he, I think, is sensible enough to see that if there was no risk, if this was the tiny thing 'Mike' makes it out to be social services would not be involved) however he isn't even in the same country let alone the same city and will not be there when 'Mike' visits so really, city X social services have been had, yet again by my sister. We are further along then we were before but I now need to contact Tom again and relay this information so it can be passed to social services, my hope is that they will pay another visit to my sister in the weeks before the next visit to ensure another adult is present for all contact 'Mike' has involving the children. We will see.
One good news bit I got from my digging is that my sister is now working, I am very pleased for her, she came out of teaching when her youngest came along as her contract ended when she was about 6 months gone and as a single parent to 3 it was next to impossible for her to work, ever since her youngest started pre-school she had been working at getting back in but was getting nowhere so I am very, very pleased for her that she has a job and seems happy to be back even though it is supply work she seems to have finally accepted that she as left teaching after doing her NQT year and one other year as supply and then had 6 nearly 7 years out she was not going to be able to walk into a great job with a school and her own class. I am massively pleased for her. Even with everything I love her, I love her so much, that's why it hurts so much that I am having to have social services keep such a close eye on her, it kills me that she is unable to put anybody's needs before her own, even her beautiful, cleaver and funny children and the thing that slays me is that it is 'Mike' that has done this to her. She was never physical abused by him, she was never (as much as anybody but her could say) sexually abused by him but by god, he ruined her mind. She is one of his greatest victims, her life has been ripped to shreds by him, her children's lives damaged and she will never be able to see it, she will never be able to see what he has done to her and try to move past it as I can because his programming of her is so complete I honestly think he has altered her mind irreparably and left her with a mental health condition. I love her but I can't be near her of deal with the way she acts or the things she says. it is so complex and so hard to get my head around, I am calling social services with one hand and applauding her achievements on the other, the two things just don't go together.

This post has ended up longer then I intended again. This always seems to happen, the dam is breached and it all flows out.

We are off to City X on Wednesday to spend the last half of the holidays with Mum. We haven't seen each other for a year. I am very much looking forward to seeing her and spending time, there will be hard conversations to be had but as I said to DH this afternoon, I will not allow 'Mike' to dominate the visit, I won't give him the satisfaction.

Hi Roadkill I don't think your opposing thoughts/feelings towards your sister are that strange. You want the best for her in life because you love her, you recognise she is a victim (as you are) and are desperately sad for her dc who in turn are suffering all due to your fathers actions

I hope you have a truly lovely time with your Mum and celebrate the great people you have in your life in spite of the poison "mike" forced upon you all.

As for the church, well I can't think of where to start with their attitude

Hi all, no news to share, just touching base really before I head off to City X tomorrow.
Had a chat with Mum on the phone yesterday, we both set the clear boundaries with each other that while we are going to have to have some tough conversations we are not going to make them the central hub of the visit. We are going so that me dh and the children can spend time enjoying her company and in turn her enjoying ours. This is about enjoying the solid core of our family, the core that 'Mike' could not manipulate and destroy, while it is true that he controlled us for a long time that no longer has to be the case and if I went there and did nothing but talk about all he has done to us he would still be controlling and manipulating us.
I do have to say I am a little nervous about the conversations we do need to have, while I have been able to hold it together telling Mum that he did abuse me on the phone I am worried I am going to start crying when we talk about these issues, I am worried that she will feel (baseless in my opinion) guilt at any tears I may shed.
She is my Mum and I was abused in all ways by my biological Father. If I ever had to hear that from my dd and see her tears it would slay me, the very idea makes my heart go cold and heavy as lead. I have told her all the way through this that she did the best she could, she protected me the best she could, she has done nothing wrong, she didn't know about the sexual abuse, she acted on the physical and mental abuse, she got us out, she was so brave to do so and she should not feel guilt but pride, I have told her this over and over, she has cried and thanked me for my reassurance BUT I know that if it were my dd it wouldn't matter what she said, it wouldn't matter if I knew I could have done nothing more then I did, while her reassurance would be comforting I know the guilt would crush me. I only have a tiny taste of this in regards to 'Mike' and my own dd, he never got to abuse her physically, I managed to ensure that never happened but after finding out his words to me ex, about what he thinks when he has a small child on his lap I feel that I failed dd, I know that you can not protect somebody from another's thoughts, I know that dd has not been harmed, I know that dd need never know her own Grandfather may have had such thought's about her but that does not stop the guilt, that ever present, completely unreasonable, illogical parental guilt, nothing, nothing will ever stop that. How can I let my Mum know that any tears I shed are not he fault, how can I take some of the pain from her?
It has been a bit of a blessing really, the distance, the fact we have had to do all this talking on the phone, it has given is both the space and time to work things though, pace ourselves, hide the tears from each other when needed but now we come face to face for the first time since the bomb went off (that is what I have found myself calling the email and all that has followed to DH, it's fitting). I am worried that seeing the pain in my Mum is going to be impossibly hard and I am worried for Mum when it comes to her seeing my pain. I am hoping, when it comes to it, we will be able to just hold each other and cry for as long as we need to without saying a single word, that each of us has done enough in the last few months and knows the other well enough to get through these natural feeling of guilt, innocence lost and (unfounded but still there) feelings of failing to protect each other.
How are we supposed to get through this?

I'm sorry I didn't see your post yesterday, roadkill. Hope your journey's gone smoothly and you're now with your mum. I think it will become obvious, when you're together, how to go forward for both of you :)

I hope it went well. Remember that sometimes the more hurt you've experienced the more you can love and you and your mum can hold onto the fact that he hasn't destroyed the both of you rather he's caused you to be more united.

I'm not sure if you both still have your faith in God, if you do ask for His help, sometimes you can forgive the most unforgivable things when you let God help, it's something seemingly impossible in your own strength - and that includes asking for help to forgive yourselves. IME it was a very supernatural experience something that I had willed myself to forgive for decades and it just happened, it still hurts if I think on it but the unforgiveness has vanished.

Just stopping by (dd woke me with something silly an hour ago, can't get back to sleep, I am going to be knackered by the end of the day!).
All is quiet, no phone calls, no emails (DH alerted to the fact his gmail was sending out facebook requests has changed his settings) and no snail mail letters.
My trip to City X went well, had a lovely time with my Mum, we talked only one night about all of this and even then it was more about the issues surrounding my sister and what steps would be the next ones in regards to 'Mike' and his current position within the church and proximity to the school. The place we ended up at is that I am going to start the process of writing a letter to his current abbot letting him know a few facts as lots of things put out by the monastery in the publicity for Mike's book was factually incorrect and also mention at least one occasion where Mike has lied to his abbot over something quite trivial (way back when he told the previous abbot that my (now X) boyfriend and I were married so we could share a room while staying at the Abbey, we neither asked or wanted him to do this, we both we of understood that we were not married so therefore would not be sharing a room until Mike told us to make sure we announced ourselves as Mr and Mrs Ex's name. It may sound trivial, and it was but it makes a prescient to him lying to his Abbot). I don't know if I should talk about abuse suffered in childhood as I have to assume that anything and everything I write will be shown of told to Mike. Just writing to the Abbot is a massive step for me to take as it has huge potential to out my actual position to Mike and make him aware of where I am standing. This has a great number of consequence's that scare the living death out of me but I am still fearful for the boys living on the same site as him, I could never ever forgive myself if something happened to one of them and I hadn't done all in my power, I also feel strongly that the church should be making a stand and not harbouring known sex offenders, they have a bad name to clear up and this is not the way to do that. I still have a great love of aspects of the church but it is actions (or inactions) like the churches response to Mike that make me keep clear of Catholicism, when I do practice my faith I do it within the CofE church, I would not feel safe taking my children into the catholic church when I know that any member could be a known sex offender (not sure if that makes sense, I am not saying that the church is full of them but I know that where they do exist the church does nothing).
I haven't started that letter yet, think it will take me a while to get to the point of being able to do that and even longer to send the dam thing but I am coming to realise that I am going to have to do it.
Still no word on counselling, my friend who would be my driver hurt herself over half term and can't drive for 6 weeks so I haven't bothered to chase up just now as if they did hurry me along an appointment I wouldn't be able to get to it!
I am just ticking over at the moment, it is all there just under the surface, coming up from time to time but then being stuffed back down. I seem to be so time poor at the moment I haven't had time to speak to someone I really want to, my vicar, but I will try and stop in on her soon, she is my next door but one neighbour after all!
Thanks for listening, any ideas on the letter would be most welcome.

I have my first appointment with the councillor tomorrow lunch time for assessment.

I am having a panic about it.

I don't know what to expect.

I don't know what to say.

I just don't know.

Hey roadkill

sorry I missed your last post, I have been trying to check in on you regularly.

How was the councillor ? Hope you made it and were able to talk.

How is everything else?

Hello roadkillbunny. Have followed your story but not posted under this name before. How did it go today? Thinking of you. Hope you can keep hold of the knowledge that you are dealing brilliantly with this, even if you feel churned up after the appointment.

Okay. Well. Deep breath. Over last week a few things blew up massively and my stress levels just went stratospheric. Without going into detail a few things that I had let slip due to my mind being elsewhere these past 7 months (it has been seven months, it still feels like days, it still feels as raw as if it all started yesterday), I have failed to do things I should have, I have missed deadlines for things, school and pre-school letters have just floated past me with me having no memory of ever seeing them (although it can be proved I have had them) so they have not been actioned. It all went to hell in a hand basket and I felt like I was having some kind of breakdown I really did, I couldn't function at all. I had to ask for help, I had to share things that were going on with people around me, some of these people I had let down very, very badly. I don't want to go into the detail but suffice to say if one particular group of people I had let down had chosen I could have ended up in legal trouble because of this. I now realise looking back that these past 7 months I have been in some sort of trance, maybe I have had a breakdown.
I had no option but to plead for help and in this particular set of complex issues the only person who I could see being able to help me was my uncle (Mikes brother). I think the email I wrote hi and his wife was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do, asking for help is not something I am at all good at. I didn't mention at all the goings on with Mike and this being the trigger of all this stress and anxiety but I quickly saw I didn't need to, he knew what it was all really about at it's route. My uncle called me as soon as he got my email even though he is currently half the world away in a different time zone. He was very nice to me, very understanding and levelled no blame for the situation I found myself in and he was able to help me, help me so much that I have now had so much stress lifted from me, it is liberating, the cold hard shock of all this hitting me has also it seemed snapped me out of what ever semi concious state I was in and I am feeling far more able to cope. The one and only request my uncle made of me was that in the new year, when he is back in the country and we can see each other face to face that we have a talk about everything around 'Mike'. I have no problem with this in theory, I now that my uncle had had nothing more then 'Mike's' side of things and I also know that what ever 'Mike' does or doesn't do he will always be his brother and he will always love and want the best for him, I understand that completely and I don't blame my uncle, I have been there with my own brother in the hight of his heroin addiction, I know that feeling of being torn, devastated by their actions but still, you love them, they are your brother. I am not scared of my uncle, he is a very different man from 'Mike' and I do think talking some things through with him will be good for both of us. I don't plan to tell him of my childhood sexual abuse as such but just allude to him, as in The investigation around the events in 1969 have significance to some things that happened in my childhood and this is one of the huge reasons I don't feel able to have a relationship of any kind with 'Mike' at this time.

I also found out that a couple of weeks ago 'Mike' came to the UK, to city X, apparently it was a very quick visit, I have no idea why he was over it is not one of his regular times, but I do feel strongly that the reason it was a very quick visit was so he would be here and gone before the 3 days he has to make himself known to the police had passed.
I felt awful as haven't yet followed up with city x social services about the whole issue with my sister and her partner that social services trust to ensure her children are properly supervised and the fact that partner is managing somehow to do this all the way from Florida! I am hoping that as it was a very quick visit no harm has come to my sisters children, I know that in reality it takes seconds but I am trying to go easy on myself, I have messed up so many things and thinking I had until the end of January to deal with this is one of those errors. I am now going to wait until after Christmas and then get back on to trying to get social services to see past my sisters clever ploys.
He also saw my brother while he was in City X, my sil, fab woman she is obviously didn't want to tell my brother he couldn't see him but like last time insisted on a public restaurant and will have ensured non of the children were say near him. She passed on a couple of things that were said about me, she and my brother refused to answer any questions about me as she says that it is my private business and feelings and they have no place in discussing them (I love my sil!) but 'Mike' has said that he is very distressed about 'the situation with roadkill', he feels the cut contact and refusal to have anything to do with him is all driven by my DH and he is worried apparently that I am going on the wrong information as the social worker who visited my brother had the facts wrong and had it down that it was a 14 year old boy involved rather then 16, 'Mike' is worried it seems that I have also been given this wrong info, he makes me so angry, where as I know there is a big difference between a 14 year old and a 16 year old when it comes to sexual acts but t makes not a jot of difference when it comes to the abuse of trust and just shows that 'Mike' still fails to see how wrong his actions were, even if the boy 'consented'.

On Friday, after the shite well and truly hit the fan and all the above had happened a Christmas card dropped onto the mat with his distinctive hand writing. I found myself able to open in straight away without shaking, inside was a Christmas card, not as normal one of the official monastery ones, it seems it is one he has picked of especially for me. Inside a portion of the printed verse is highlighted with a yellow pen:
may we come to greater care and love for one another.
It is addressed to me, Dh and the children and is signed be him:
and become friends again soon! 'Mike', Dad, Grandad.

I actually felt able to deal with the card. It will not go up, it is now in the bin but it didn't send me into a spin. I have also been able to pick up answer phone messages although am still screening calls there haven't been any from international numbers for a while.
The first session with the counsellor was going through everything that was happening and for them to decide if my issues could be addressed there there service (5 sessions over 5 weeks), she said that they did think they could help and my first session proper is tomorrow. She told me though that the issues around my reactions to sex and my problems with being held were not something they would go into and that relate would be the way to go for that, I am unhappy about this as I can't afford relate and the issue isn't with my husband but about the flashbacks intimate trigger. Sex it's self isn't a problem. I really want to get past these issues and enjoy a close physical relationship but I can't afford relate. I am not sure what to do yet, I have sort of decided that I will see where I am after this current cause of counselling is over.

Sorry for the long one, it is been a long and extraordinarily hard, the hardest since this whole thing began 7 months ago, I am not sure why it is not 7 months on that the worst has happened. I don't want to go into details but it has been awful, I really did think for a time I needed to be committed and I wanted to self harm, the urges where so huge, I managed to resist bar some scratching of my face, luckily I had cut my nails right down only days before. I have only self harmed in one period of time before, another time of great stress and heartache but this was much worse then even then, I have never felt such a need to do harm to myself as I did last week, I needed it as mch as I needed to breath, it was extremely frightening.
I am feeling better now, things are resolved with all the problems that had come about due to my minds absence over the last 7 months, people have been very kind. only one knows the full story and she has only talked about it to the people who needed to know and only told them I was experiencing some serious personal problems. They have all been so nice, kind, caring. I let them down badly, very badly but they have shown me nothing but concern and willingness to help me through anyway I need. I am not sure why, I really don't deserve it, I always knew they were good people and they have confirmed what always believed. The only thing they say is they wish I had talked to them and asked for help sooner.
My Mum described it best as she is very like me in this way and this is what a friend said to her many years ago: You hide yourself in a corner and whisper help very quietly.
There isn't a better description for me, I need to earn how to shout help when I need it.

(((Hugs)))

I think from reading this you've finally gone over the peak of the mountain, yes its been very hard and will be hard on the way down but perhaps the councilling will show you a few "shortcuts".....

Thank you notapizzaeater, the feeling of having reached the highest peak rings quite true (or the deepest chasm if you look at it another way, a maybe less positive way) although I have I know a long way to go and I am far, far, far away from being at peace.
I had my first counselling session today. Firstly I am really not sure I like the counsellor and secondly I am not sure what if anything I am going to get out of it. Both points kind of run into each other, today I gave an outline as to what has happened over these past two weeks since I first saw her for my assessment especially given it has been such a tumultuous time and round about it came to be the topic of discussion was my sister, my deep concerns for the safety of my sisters children and what if anything I could do about it. I do agree that once I have done my best to inform social services about the fact the stabilising and more realistic figure that they are relying on to supervise visits lives in the sates and will be hard pushed to do this from there there is little else I can possibly do to try and protect the children but something she said really stuck and I had to give my point over again quite a few times and even then it didn't feel like she understood me (and this is possibly one of the reasons I feel I don't like her), she said that after I have talked to social services again there is nothing else I can really do (true) and then it would be up to my sister to protect the children and if anything did happen it would be her that would have to live with the consequences but, this isn't about my sister and me trying to ensure she doesn't have to live with guilt, this is about the children, I don't care about what my sister may feel if one of her children are abused I only care about the child, I don't what one of those children to be sitting in the councillors chair in 20 years like I am, my concern for the children isn't about saving my sister guilt or being able to say I told you so, I want to prevent a cycle of abuse, I want to stop harm coming to three innocent children! I know there is little else I can do (although she did raise the issue of what about the children's Fathers and this does give me another route to think about and attempt although I have contact details for non and I don't even know what city/town two of them are living but there is one of the Dads who will surely kick up a stink, I don't like the man but he would kill anyone who threatened his sons safety and I do at least know that he still lives in City X and I know what school is nieces go to but that is it, I would possibly be able to track him in this facebook world of ours though) and I know what she was getting at, I can only do what I can do and god forbid if the worse happened it wouldn't be my fault, I get that I do, I am steadily becoming more able to let go of the failings of blaming myself should something terrible happen but I did feel the counsellor missed the point a little.
I am really not sure if there is anything much to be gained by the counselling, to be honest I felt more then once that what we were doing in that room is what I have been doing with all of you here these past months and here I have more time and ability to explain myself and events. I thought while there that really all this was was mumsnet on the NHS!
I am going to keep at it though, it was only session one and topic one, I won't judge the possibilities with counselling with just the one first session that took place after such a terrible two weeks that I think would be rather short sighted and as I said to my friend after I came out, well, I got free rein to bitch about my sister for 40 mins!
I have to admit I am struggling with the idea of self harm quite allot. My stress levels are down, lots of things that where huge stresses two weeks ago are now resolved but it seems now that valve has been opened and I indulged in a self harm (face scratching with thankfully cut very short nails so no visible marks the next morning, I managed somehow to resist the terrible need to do more serious harm to myself) I can't seem to close it off again. The need is huge, I am managing to resist all but the face scratching and I can't explain why it helps me feel better, I don't know why it feels better after I have repeatedly dragged my nails down my face, I am not sure if I need to do it to feel pain as I am am in constant excruciating pain as a chronic pain sufferer, every moment of day and night involves intense pain, there is just something so relieving, pleasurable about the scratching, I am holding at bay the desire to use an implement to cut or work with my nails on my arm where I can do more harm but although it is easier to hold then it was it is still very hard as I seem to desire to be able to have a visual reminder of what I have done to myself, I want that very badly I is like some sort of drug and as soon as I allowed it in during that time of extraordinary high stress and anguish I now can't seem to close the door on it even though my stress levels have come right down.
I did mention the self harm to the counsellor (she said nothing, not sure if she even acknowledged it) and I was honest on the mood forms I have to fill in at the start of every session. I think if this goes on like this I am going to have to see the GP, we have given it time and we have started counselling but it seems to me now that my mental state over the last 7 months has been much more serious then anyone (including myself) realised and it does seem that I have suffered some kind of mental breakdown and now I have come out of that the self harm has raised it's head and do fear slipping back into the 'eyes are open no one's home' state I have been in, I can feel it happening and I am fighting it best I can but I think I need more help and the time for education has arrived.

So a couple of questions for you all, what do you think about telling the Fathers (well realistically it will be one, maybe two of the Fathers but they are the Fathers of the youngest two children) of my sisters children, I do think they should know if their children are coming into regular contact with somebody on the sexual offender register, if I were to manage to contact them I would I think simply tell them the fact that their maternal Grandfather who they see at least twice a year is on the register and then give them social services number to get more details of what is going on, I really don't think it would be my place to do any more then this, what is the MN opinion? I must admit feeling very stupid that contacting the Fathers hand't occurred to me before, a very stupid oversight indeed.
The other questions are around the counselling ad my take on it and also the self harm and if I should see the GP, I really value others takes on these things, I know you are not trained experts and can only give me advice and I should always think very long and hard and if need be take medical advice before acting on anything people here say, all those disclaimers aside, what do people think about what is going on with me in my head?

As far as the counselling - you are being offered 6 sessions including assessment which is standard for the NHS in most areas due to very little funding for mental health. Given what you are going through you could maybe benefit from much more. As a start, I'd ask the counsellor what her approach is (probably one of person-centred, CBT, psychodynamic) so that you know what sort of counselling you are in so that you can know if it has helped or not after 6 weeks if you look for more. I would be clear about the self-harm impulses each time. There will be a crisis team in your area but generally that is about stabilising you with medication. The fact that they have told you that they will not work on the abusive past with you shows that whoever they have available does not have specialist training in that area or, if they do, their remit is not to work with that.

Sadly, in many parts of the UK, you need to look outside of the NHS for longer term therapy, particulary where there has been sexual abuse. I would start with www.napac.org.uk to find out what is available in your area. You could also discuss your concerns for your sister's children with them.

Crap. Post just came. There is a letter from my sister. I haven't yet opened it, trying to get myself together enough to do so. I know if is from my sister as she has put her name and return address on the back, the address that up to now I was not allowed to have because she 'didn't trust I wouldn't pass it on to our Mum or brother'. It is addressed to 'the surname family and contains I think a Christmas card but it feels like also a letter. I know what this is about, this is Mikes' new way of getting to me, talking through his pawn.
I have to open it, I need to open it but I am scared to open it especially as I have the children as school is now finished, so much for my lovely relaxing first day of the holidays. If I don't open it it will bug me all day wondering which is probably worse then opening, reading and dealing.
I didn't expect this, I thought he would do it himself, he send a Christmas card but as I said nothing as such with it, this from my sister feels more. I guess I have to take a deep breath...

You don't have to open it. You don't need to open it. You can decide to protect yourself from your sister - burn it, throw it away.

Why do you feel you have to open it?