Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Mike it is. Take a hike, Mike. Get on your bike, Mike. Etc

With your friend, are you often in a car with her? I have found cars quite good for hard conversations. You don't have to make eye contact and neither party can escape.

How about starting with something like "You rememeber you were asking about Take-a-Hike-Mike the other day; well, I wasn't able to fully explain at the time........."

I'm glad the reaction of your DD's teachers have been helpful. Sadly, your case almost certainly won't be the first they have come across like this. No-one is going to think his behaviour in any way reflects on you. Quite the reverse, they'll be so impressed with the life you have built despite his behaviour.

Hello just want to congratulate you on how well you've done - just spent almost 2hrs reading this thread from the beginning, it has been a such a journey for you and I hope you appreciate your own strength

I got a reply from the local peer support email thingy.
I cried, allot when I read it.
I think they are going to be very helpful, very helpful indeed.

I had an answer phone message from Tom. He didn't go into detail (as he shouldn't on an answer phone) but said he had a reply from the 'City X lot' (loved the way he was trying to be vague due to being the machine) and things were happening in the right direction.
I will email him, tomorrow probably if I have time (got a busy weekend and going to a friends for a girly night tonight, they are cutting and colouring my hair, I won't know what colour they have gone for until it is all done and styled, my idea and we all think it is going to be a blast!) to get a few more details, he sent me a message after our talk from his own email address so I can now contact him directly as he doesn't have a diocese email address being a locum.

Just to say again, you are all amazing, I doubt you know how much you have all helped me, I really appreciate it and need it especially at a time now when I have no longer got the focus of the investigation and I am at the point where it is my own head and emotions that need sorting out.

Excellent news from the email service and from Tom. He seems to be a good guy.

Hair: you are brave! Would you suit purple hair?

Oh this sounds like great news. Have a great weekend!

he just called again. it came up external rather then international. I risked it by picking up (several people who would call me call from switchboards and such that come up external), more fool me. I have a message on the answer phone from earlier, haven't been able to pick it up yet with children about, given this I can guess. I am really worried though, shaking, sick, the fact it didn't come up international suggests he is in the country, I hope I am wrong.

I put the phone down as soon as I heard his voice, Wish that the sound of his voice didn't set me off shaking and close to tears, but at least now I have managed to learn how to put the phone down.

Not sure what to say but omg - you were so brave to just put the phone down.

Can you do 1471 and see where the call came from? Why not get your DH to check the earlier message; it might be someone else entirely

Kids are in bed and stopped shaking now. The message on the answer phone is from him. Checked the phone to see the last calls and there are 6 missed calls from international (we have been away over Sunday and most of Monday, I noticed the new message when we got back yesterday but didn't have the guts to pick it up) given the time and days I would say they are all him. I am hoping I misread international for external.
I have phoned BT even though I knew they couldn't really do anything with it being international but I just can't live like this, I can't.
BT can no longer they say put international bars on lines and have referred me to something called truecall who are going to call me back tomorrow however DH looked it up online and it is a pay for thing, it costs £100, I haven't got a pound to spare right now let alone 100!
Going to have to see how this plays out, if I have to look at a legal route I will, I can't do this constant worry and fear but I have a strong feeling it would be very hard to achieve anything with him being in another country, could probably do something for the times he is in the UK but otherwise I don't think they can, have saved the messages though, just in case.
Everything is just so complicated with him being outside the UK, 1471 is pointless with it being international, they can't identify individual numbers. His tone on the messages is changing as is his choice of words in the messages, I can hear he is learning I am not playing ball and it is frightening me.

how about anonymous call rejection, check with bt whether this will include international and external numbers. if so then you wont even know he has rung, you can easily inform any important friends who withhold their number that they will now hv to reveal it in order to ring you.

in fact this is affec6ting you sufficiently that if you cannt barr him by doing this then you need to change your phone number

I agree with plumtart... Change your number

Hope you are coping ok

yes change your phone number, or do away with your landline and just have mobile?

I'm delighted to hear that some genuinely sympathetic support is heaving into view, that Tom's doing his job and you now feel confident the shame is all Mike's and none of yours. This is all fantastic progress, roadkill, and I hope you can find a few moments to be as proud of yourself as you deserve.

Flashbacks are horrid - terrifying, even - I'm so sorry you're suffering them. The fact that memories are nudging their way back into your conscious recall does mean your psyche is gaining sufficient strength to acknowledge them (most likely due to the loss of inappropriate shame). Scary as they are, this is a very positive thing and, with sensible support, you'll be able to process them helpfully. For now, it's useful to remember that you are now a grown-up and can keep yourself safe, as, of course you were unable to in childhood. Indeed, you've proven that to yourself! If you have a comforting 'safety' ritual, use it ... I've got an oversized cardi to wear at such times

If the car's not the best place to talk with your friend, how about suggesting you take a trot together, or chatting over the grooming?

I once had a phone stalker and BT put a screen on all my incoming calls. Callers were cross-examined before getting through: it did mean everybody knew something was up, but had the side advantage of stopping annoying marketing calls! I think they still do this - you need a police reference to get it. Changing your number would, in fact, be simpler if you can tell everyone who needs to know the new one.

It was so good to hear the niece with the grandmother is going to be protected. I understand this is going to be a very difficult journey for your brother - and he may not make it - but you already have much to be proud of in pulling those 'skeletons' out of the closet, into the sunlight :)

Do take care of yourself, and do keep asking for support. x

Someone I know has given their mobile to all their friends and doesn't answer the landline anymore, they just have it for a back up. Could you do this? Schools etc. will try your mobile anyway if you don't answer your landline.

I have just come home from work to find an email from him:
Subject : A strange coincidence

Dear DH and Roadkill
Today I switched on my computer to find a ?reminder? from Face book that DH invited me to join Face book. This on the very day that I tried to ring you and roadkill for the second time put the phone down on me as if I was making a nuisance call. Was this just a coincidence? I have always resisted joining Face Book because I see no point in doing so (and some reasons for not doing so). But on the other hand I do very much want to get in touch with you both. I shall not try to go into details here, but I do know that there has to be a serious misunderstanding arising from emails and events last June. It distresses me deeply that we seem to be estranged, and I think the only thing is to meet and talk it all over.
I will just say one thing: I am NOT a paedophile!
With much love to all
Mike/Dad

Is it just me or is he whining more then my 3 year old at the end of a long day?
I want to send him a message just saying 'ohh diddums, it aint going your way is it?'

behind me trying to make light it is a resigned kind of despair. I looked at my email and saw it and it took me a half hour just to have the guts to open it.
I think it is going to come to us changing our number, I am not willing or really able to pay out nearly £5 a month on a device to block his calls, I can't go on with the kind of dread I feel when the phone rings or worse when there is a new message on the machine, it takes me so long to get the courage together to pick up my messages that one of these days I am going to miss something really important if things carry on this way. It would be a real pain to change our number and we would have to get permission from our landlord but it isn't impossible and it gives me the peace of mind to know he can't call me then it, I think is worth the hassle so thanks for suggesting it, for some reason I hadn't thought of changing my number. I am really thinking about taking the matter to the police but don't know how to do that and even then, really not sure they could do anything with the harassment originating in another country and it feels like he his being careful not to do it too much just for that reason given his choice of words in that email. I need it to stop but I don't know what to do to make him stop. I also have this really strange feeling that I don't understand that makes me upset at the idea of never hearing from or speaking to him again, I don't understand any of this, what am I feeling?

Roadkill, I haven't posted on your thread before but I wanted to say how well you are doing but also something you just said touched a nerve with me.

"I also have this really strange feeling that I don't understand that makes me upset at the idea of never hearing from or speaking to him again," I know that feeling as I have cut contact with my mother due to years of abuse and while on one hand it feels good to have the control, I do have these irrational feelings of guilt over it.

I am seeing a councellor over this and a whole range of other issues (like you the church in Ireland is involved). The advice I am given is that that feeling you refer to is to do with the innerchild, reaching out for the parent, a natural response but in cases like this where the parent hasn't been a parent our subconcious grieves for that loss.

I find that quite a thought to deal with as I have never looked at my parent as a parent but am learning that it is inbuilt in us to think this way and over time, the grief as the emotion will pass. Do you think this could be what the feeling is for you?

Change your phone number, don't engage with him and look after you and your family. It is your future that matters now.

Can you contact your GP and try to get him to move you up the waiting list for a counselling?

If you report the harassment to the police then you get an incident/report number. This then obligates your phone provider to change your number for free - they certainly did use to charge for that if it was just for convenience, which this definitely is not. Given you talked to the police about your history I think maybe call that same policeman or woman and ask them to report it or issue the number to you, as they know the history and I'm sure will be understanding.

If you call Women's Aid they may be able to direct you to a pro bono law centre where someone could write a letter to your father instructing him to cease harassing you. I get the feeling he'd be more likely to comply with a solicitor's letter than he would your wishes alone, sadly.

I cut contact with my own father, btw. I get sad twinges too - not for not having him in my life as he is, but who I used to try to pretend he was. He's my father and however toxic, a lot of hopes and dreams and wishes went down the plughole with the decision to cut my losses.

Thank you all for your invaluable support and advice. I am still trying to figure out what the hell to do about all this, it feels a little extreme to call the police about a handful of phone calls and emails. I don't think the person I spoke to from my local police could really help, she is in the child abuse team so different area all together to what I need now, I could have a look for the number of the PCSO that covers our village, that could be a place to start a bit less extreme then calling the police station (don't tell me why, doesn't make much sense in my head either).
I need to chase up with the GP, it has been longer then the letter said about the wait list, I don't think I can fully sort out the contact issues without that kind of support. I have fired off the next email to the local peer support place answering some of their questions by going into more details, have also talked about the issues surrounding the calls and emails. They aren't open today but going by last time I will hear from them maybe as soon as tomorrow but they do say within 7 days, they are all volunteers after all, I can't see myself ever getting to the place where I could support others going through things like this, so I see them all (and all of you all well in this, you all help me so much) as angels to be able to do it.

Hi Roadkill, sorry to hear about your continued problems.

I think talking to the PCSO is a good idea. I have done this recently (though not about the actions of a family member, so less emotionally loaded). I was also thinking like you, it's only a man shouting at me and sending rude messages, why bother with police?

The PCSO listened to what I had to say and took it all really seriously. He advised me about the legal issues, what constitutes harassment according to the law, etc. He also told me what action the police could take, if I want them to.

I decided I don't want to do anything further at this stage, but I am glad I spoke to the PCSO. The police have everything logged, should there be further incidents or should I decide I want to take things further. It just made me feel more in control to be listened to and taken seriously.

Going with the kind of 'stream of conciousness' with this one as there is no news, no more attempts at contact, have for the moment not spoken to PCSO or to BT again, kind of waiting for the local support place to get back to me in regards to the questions I posed about it.

I want to 'talk' a little because right now here is my only outlet for this type of thing.
I feel like I have lost my Dad all over again, I miss him so much (we are talking about my step Dad here clearly), I just want him with me, I want to hear his voice, I NEED him. I grieved in a very teenage way when he died, it was his death that made me know he was my Dad but my grieving process was quiet and internal, I stuffed up college and changed my plans for the future, there we more factors but my Dads death tipped the balance as it were. I was largely unaware that the things I was going through were grief related, it took a much older friend who had experience to point of to me 6 months after his death that I hadn't properly grieved for him and it was this that was clouding my judgement and decisions. I thought I had got through it and was at the stage where I missed him but the pain was not raw, the first place I took my newborn dd was his grave and when ever I go back to city X the first place I go is his grave, it was the first place I took ds on his first time in city X, I see that as a normal level of grief after 16 years but now, now my heart is ripping apart with grief.
The intelligent part of me knows that this is probably a displaced grief, I have never had a relationship with my Father other then fear and manipulation but now I know that he is out of my life for good, I still say I don't know if I will ever see him again, I can't seem to rule it out even though they very thought of being even in the room next to him fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread, realistically I have to admit I will never see him again but saying that as a definitely is like the final tie being cut and it is that finality of being completely Fatherless that is causing this level of new grief for my Dad, I can't grieve for a relationship that never was, I can't be sorry I will never see a man who has hurt me so much is so many ways again so the only safe, non confusing grief for a lost Father is the 16 year old grief for my Dad.
So I know why I feel like I am loosing my Dad all over again, I know the psychology of it but just like I know that I have no blame and it isn't me who should carry any shame or guilt it is one thing the know it and a whole different thing to feel it.
I keep thinking, all this, it is history, history is unchanging, you can't meddle in it, you can't have an ounce of influence over it, I lived many years with all this emotion and knowledge buried so deep so why can't I move past it now, carry on my life like I have always done, why can't I put it all back in it's box? I know in time maybe I could squeeze it all back in a box to gather dust (if I can stop him contacting me) but if I achieved that I would still be left with the effects it has had on my adult sexual relationship and the way I parent my own children, if I ever want to have a 'normal' (whatever that is) sexual relationship with my husband I have to do more with all this turmoil them stuff it back down but I can not for the life of me see how I can change my responses, calm the panic attacks, cope with the flashbacks.
I feel like I am in a void.
And I miss my Dad so much that every cell in my body hurts.

Oh, I feel for you :(

Yes, you're right about the grief displacement. You are perceptive! However, I'm also sure you miss your Dad for real. He was everything 'Mike' should have been but wasn't. He protected and healed you - and your mother - from Mike's damage as far as possible. It's only natural that you long for his protection now, when everything's so raw. Please, do let yourself wallow in this for a while - thoughts of your Dad might help you relive some of those feelings of love & safety.

Flashbacks are nasty ... and they are 'invitations' from your mind to deal with some of the fear, anger and hurt you suffered (and still do) with Mike. Please see if Pete Walker's flashback guide offers any support - it's pinned on my kitchen wall, but everybody's different and it may not be right for you just now; have a look.

As to grieving for Mike - or, perhaps more accurately, for your childhood self and the father you should have had then - it's a flaming nuisance that he won't go away for real! You might want to begin dealing with this by writing down some of the ways he betrayed you and your thoughts about that. I'm wary of suggesting this before you've got the support of a counsellor, however you could get out a pen and paper to see if anything wants to write or draw 'itself'. You can always throw the paper away afterwards. Make sure you are safe, comfy and have friendly contact to hand if you try it, just in case it proves too upsetting.

I think you'll want, at some point, to conduct an emotional 'funeral' for Mike although that will probably come when you have counselling and more tools in your psychological workshop! I was fortunate, in a peculiar way, that I had the opportunity to do this at my father's real funeral. I do believe you'll be able to do it, given the right amount of time, without waiting around for the real event.

While typing this, I have the feeling I've crossed some sort of line and have put things badly. I hope not, and that you'll forgive me for any insensitivity. Next respondent, please correct me where necessary!!

Thank you for your update, roadkill, and do remember to treat yourself with great kindness.