Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

Oh that sounds awful!

Those poor children-imagine finding out that it how GF thought of you!

All the best to you, your mum, brother & ex, & your husband & Ils.

What an awful time you are having.

I've not read much of this thread but just wanted to offer this helpline to you; www.napac.org.uk/

Hey, just checking in.
Thanks for that link thedailywail I have had a look around the site and it is good to know their is support available there if/when required.

Have left all this behind a bit for a couple of days and been focusing on dd's birthday party which was yesterday, went well, she had a great time.
My friend who lives away who my Mum had to tell due to her having contact with my ex came down for the party. We very, very briefly talked but as soon as we got near the subject I started shaking and finding it hard to get the words out so I asked her if we could leave it for now and concentrate on the party, which we did.
I will probably go over and have a chat or a girly night with my local friend this weekend, her children are with their Dad this weekend but today is her dd's birthday (was a joint party for the 2 girls) so obviously no chats today!

My dh isn't dealing well, he has been overwhelmed by the situation with fil understandably, we got fil home yesterday but he has a long recovery ahead and has to come to terms with and learn to manage his diabetes so it's all very stressful for them all, dh at this time is just pushing all the stuff with my Father and my childhood out right now, we had a quick chat last night I told him that I completely understand about how things are right now but he is going to have to face all this at some point, hopefully it will be able to be in his own time and pace but depending on the investigation he may not get that luxury as I haven't.

Ever since I found out what my Father said to my ex I have been so churned up inside, part of it is to do with my childhood and the knowledge of how my Father thinks linked into the events but the largest part is about my own children, my dd mostly. I never liked the way he was when hugging the children and as dd was getting older i was getting more and more uncomfortable and vigilant, I took precautions of ensuring my dd wore underwear under her night clothes, they were changed in a different room and as always he would never been left alone with them (other then my popping quickly into the kitchen/upstairs/loo) but now I have this knowledge, it was bad enough before but now I know what he was/may have been thinking. About my little girl. It just makes me sick to my stomach and feel like I have let her down, I should have protected her but at the same time I know I did all I could do with the knowledge I had and how ever hard you try you can't protect somebody from another persons private thoughts. I honestly don't know what to do about these feelings. I know he never abused my children but I feel like he did within his own head and that alone is crippling me.

My dd said today that she wanted to show Grandad X one of the toys she was given at her party. I didn't quite know what to say, I don't know if she remembered he was due to arrive for a visit today, she doesn't seem to so I just said 'ohh well we won't be seeing Grandad X for quite a while'
How to I manage this, I can't say right now if I feel I will be able to see his again but I know he will never get line of site on my children again but I don't feel able to say to my children that they will never see him again because I am not willing to tell them why (at this time and their ages, when they are old enough I will have to re evaluate that depending on many unpredictable factors), I don't feel I can rubbish their Grandad to them, same way I guess that my Mum wouldn't rubbish him as my Father. I don't want to tell them that their Grandad did bad things so what do I do, I can probably get away with just not mentioning him for a good while but at some point they will ask. They like Grandad visits because he buys them sweets and takes them to restaurants and days out. He buys them I guess, what do I do?
(another one intended to be a short check in ending up an essay and more questions as ever)

Glad you had a good party.

At this age I think they will forget easily about him, if they ask just tell them hes busy/away and might be coming soon.

You can never protect anyone from another thoughts, you can and have protected them from his actions. Do find someone or somewhere you can talk to someone if it all gets a bit tough (even if only the Samaritans), and take any offers of counselling you get.

For your father in law, does he have a specialist diabetes nurse? If not try to get him access to one to help him cope with the diet. I know the whole thing will be a big change to their lives, but there is help out there.

Well done for coping so far.

Hello there, Feeling like it is a bit of calm before the storm that is likely to be next week with Judy returning from her holiday however dh may not think we are in a calm and he would probably be right.
Yesterday saw me breaking under the stress and having a huge rant at dh triggered by the fact he forgot to get me bbq dip when he brought fast food home for dinner. The stress had obviously build up to massive proportions and I lost control and all reason to my actions.
Somehow I managed to get from bbq dip to the real reason I was/am building resentment and that is he is running from all this, refusing to give it head space and refusing to listen to anything in relation to it because he says he can't cope with it. My reaction was that I can't cope with it, I have not been given the luxury of not dealing with it, I don't want to lay awake all night with memories long banished flooding back. I haven't turned to him and said I can't deal with your Dad's issues right now, I have done my very best to be compassionate, supportive and helpful to him and his parents through this very frightening and difficult time for them. What made my rage worse was my Mum keeps saying how lucky I am I have my husband and how I must keep talking to him, how she knows how well we work together and how much he loves me and I him, how we can support each other through this. She is right, normally, my dh is a very loving, supportive, compassionate man, he would go to the ends of the earth for the people he loves but right now I am not seeing that side of him, I don't blame him for running, I want to do that to, I don't want to think about it, I find the details extremely upsetting and disturbing to but if we stand any chance I have come to realise I have to deal with it all, accept it all, get the help needed and just maybe come out the other side in a better place but he clearly is not there yet.
After bbq-gate we did have a long chat, I apologised for my behaviour and he apologised for his. We will get through this because the other options are unthinkable but, at the risk of sounding very winey and self indulgent, I don't want to have to, it's not fair that we should have to, my Father waltzes around that place his life fine and dandy because he chooses not to feel any remorse for the things he has done and the pain he has inflicted yet me, my brother, my Mum, our families, the boy, his family and any others that very well could be out there have to suffer, it's not right and it's not fair.

Why, in your last sentence, do you not mention your sister? You write about your father isolating your niece but your sister seems very isolated from you, your brother and your Mum. I hope Judy will interview your sister. It seems she spent more time with him as a child than anyone.

My sister and all the issues with her are very complex, yes, right now she is isolated from us but that is her doing with the three of us begging her not to, as soon as people weren't willing to play her game her way she pulled herself and her children away and barred all contact. In some ways she has had the worse deal of us all from our Father, she is just like him in many many ways, she has always been Daddy's girl and has been moulded by him into his image although she was never hit, ever. I can't possible know about the other stuff but I doubt it, it is hard to explain why I doubt it, it is just the dynamic that existed, what she did and didn't do as a child.
I do hope that Judy interviews her, I think she will as my sister gives our Father complete access to her children, I can only hope that Judy can use her experience to help my sister break free from the conditioning however I am not hopeful of her success, she is so, so like him. I gave a brief example up thread somewhere.

Hi all, nothing to tell, got to email Judy tomorrow to see where we are.
Feeling better, DH bought me a Wii, it's been very cathartic and distracting it has also had me and DH playing together, laughing. Best money spent in a long time I think.

Oh that was a good last message. I hope the email goes well today.

I am pleased you and your DH have something to do to relax/distract yourselves.

Just had an email from Judy (before I could send her one myself).
She explains that my Father was interviewed by police yesterday and she would now like to see family members and discuss what happened and the concerns they have personally.

At first she wrote about seeing us all next Tuesday in the same location separately. She also talks about arranging a police officer who has been working on the case to come with her as he can explain the police perspective better then she. She explains that she would not do this unless she knew he would handle it sensitively.

She then send a second email right after when she realized I now live over 200 miles from the rest of my family so she will have to see me separately.

I assume that she wanted us to be in the same location so we could be there for each other, I know my friend will be there for me, she has already offered.

I have to email her back now, it is a good job really that I live away from my family as next Tuesday could prove hard on me as next Wednesday my ds goes into hospital for surgery, only a day case but he is my baby and even though I have had many, many surgery's I have been through dd needing surgery and know how much it knocked me and strung me out, hers was bigger and needed a night in hospital but I was strung out before she went in and I know I will be the same next week, not the time to deal with this, my mind will be on ds even though he would be at pre-school.

So I will email her and sort out a day for her to come to me. It is less of a trip for her to come to me, she will be able to do it in a day rather then driving up and staying in a hotel like she will next week.

I feel very strange right now. Scared, nervous, wondering what is happening and also in a strange way looking forward to getting my story out and knowing what I say will be given credence not dismissed. Most of all I am just plain scared though.

I think it's a good job I am shortly off to dd's school with ds to spend a nice afternoon doing one of my favourite school traditions. Distraction is key I think, I will have to sit down, really really think about it all, maybe write some of it down, but not right now, I can avoid it for a little longer.

Bloody school! Cancelled today's Ascension day walk because it 'may' rain later. Firstly it is a lovely sunny day with a couple of very light, very short showers, secondly, the school told us to ensure the children had wet weather gear. There was no reason to cancel it, especially with no notice so everyone turned up to school at 1 to be told it's off (while the sun shone brightly!)

I am not a fan of the Church in any of it's forms right this moment.

My Mum also called while I was pointlessly walking to school having switched ds's routine around so he could manage it, she has spoken to Judy today. What she said makes me even more anxious about the police side of all this, although I can't explain why the police investigation seeming to be a great deal more serious makes me feel this way because if justice can be done I so, so want it to be I think maybe it is three fold, the more serious the investigation, the longer it goes on the more chance of the press picking it up (people on the first thread may remember why the press would love this so much) and therefore taking the tiny bit of control over who I tell and how I tell people, then there is the feeling that I can still run for this a little, try and make it less then it is in my mind and finally the big one, does my Father have more victims outside his children? I can't bare the thought of more lives ruined or tainted by him, he is my blood, my Father and I feel responsible to the people outside the family who he has hurt. I feel the guilt and it is so, so very heavy.

You do not have to take any responsibility for what your father has done. His actions are down to him and him alone. He is the one who has to take responsibility, take the consequences and atone. You have no need to carry any guilt.

Okay you don't seem overly happy with your DD's school, today.

However, is there a senior teacher you do trust? Because if there is any chance the press will get hold of this then I think you are going to need to warn the school. Most schools will have policies (and most heads will have thought long and hard about any situation the press will be interested in).

You don't have to give the school details, but something like "Grandfather is being investigated by the police, and there is a possibility the press might become interested in the story". My DCs school had a child for a while who was in danger of being targeted by some "gangster" types, they handled it very sensitively, but also knew not to speak unguardedly to the press and to protect the children.

I really hope you do manage to remain anonymous.

You have no guilt sickabout. I know that if you were a bystander on this thread, and some other person was the OP, you would see their lack of guilt as clear as day, but I do understand that it is hard to feel the truth of that lack of guilt in yourself.

Try to keep imagining an OP who is not you but is in the same position as you are; think about how kindly you would feel towards her, and how utterly lacking in blame that you would know her to be.

The school, although not in my good books today (mind it was the vicar who cancelled not the school as such) are very, very good. I don't have the family name now I am married and this gifts me far more protection from press interest should it come. I don't know if the press would be wanting to track down my siblings and I as his children, I would have thought we would be offered protection from being named due to the nature of this. I would rather hold off on talking to school (although I trust 100% they would handle it well) until I have to (I hope I don't) although I do keep having these flashes of 'Christ, I had him at the school sports day last year and other places and things around other peoples children' and with that comes the guilt and the feeling (although my logical head says this wouldn't be the case) people will hold me responsible for me allowing him into school events. Is it silly or irresponsible of me wanting to keep stum for now?

My logic and reason head, the part of me that is a reasonably intelligent person tells me these feelings of guilt and responsibility are stupid and I know if it was a person I knew going through this I would be saying that they have no reason to be guilty but I am finding it so hard, the feeling is so intense, I'd like to think I am a descent person who is reasonable and logical but all this emotion is so unruly and I am finding my head and emotions in constant conflict, emotions are so much stronger then reason.

I hope you get your meeting with Judy soon, sickabout, and that you have the opportunity for full disclosure, discussion and support.

It sounds as though you're now allowing the possibility that your father's offences might have been more serious than you knew. However well you might have allowed for it intellectually, the prospect of tearing away the final few veils of denial is scary. For what it's worth, the ugly truth (whatever level of ugliness it turns out to be) is less frightening than wondering.

Countless investigators have been shocked at how little horror their interviewees seem to show: but those interviewees have been living with half-truths for ages; the facts feel like the end of an unpleasant story, a resolution.

Your fury at DH's resistance to exploring your story is very understandable, as it reflects what you yourself have been going through! You've had to turn and face the ghosts of your past, he only has to acknowledge them and walk on by. It is unfair! Your relationship sounds strong and mature - I'm glad to hear it :)

Unfortunately this saga is going to continue for some time, unless your father gets away with it. I have to say I hope he doesn't, though you're probably in several minds about that! Please do lean on Judy, and request as much support as you need.

Of course there is no reason for you to feel guilt or shame. Quite the opposite.

Just had a nice and very hard at the same time evening with my close friend, DH bought us a bottle of wine to share and as her children are with their Dad I went across the close to her.
We talked about everything, from the sense of guilt at having put him near hers and others children to the effects of my Fathers inappropriate sexual behaviour towards me on my adult sexual relationships, I told her some things I have never ever told anyone before. I cried, hard but we also laughed. She told me I am not to hold any blame or shame, I have done everything within my power with the knowledge I have had at the time. She refuses to accept my guilt for having put her children near my Father. That is a big one for me and helps me feel better.
She has urged me to get counselling (which I will accept all that is on offer to me and seek any that I need) and worries about six months down the line when I may 'crash', I agree this is a concern, right now there is focus and when that is gone if the right support is not on place I could find it very difficult to find a focus for my feeling and emotions as when the investigations are over I will be left with the memories and effects of opening all these doors. My friend is worried that if that happens she won't be able to help me, I will need professional support. I think she is right.
Anyway, a good night, had the option of talking as much or as little I want with somebody I trust with my life and also have the fun side.
Her reaction to my anguish about having put my Father near her children was very reassuring to me, she understood why I was upset and feeling guilty about it be she doesn't blame me, she knows that no harm has come to her children because I would never have allowed them to be alone. I really can't explain it well, as I said, rational head knows that I have no reason to feel guilt but I still have it, I am the link, but her reaction to me saying this was so strong, I was sobbing at she put her arms around me and told me I had done nothing wrong, that it wasn't my fault, I had done everything as I should, I had reacted as soon as I knew what was happening and ensured mine and others children close to me would not be in any further contact. She told me I had done everything I could and I was not to blame. Something my rational head knew but my heart was not able to accept, her response to this was so loving and tender that it has helped me come to terms with this a bit more and accept that there is no guilt at my door.
If it wasn't for all the people around me, be it in real life or on here I don't think I could have survived this far and even if I had how I could make the next step, to continue. I hope you all know how valuable and special you are.
I talked to my friend about where I real want to be after all this is over and I realise that for me personally I want to be in a place where my DH can hold me, cuddle me in bed, where I am not compelled to run away after (the very very rare times) we have sex (right now I can not be held in bed, never have been able to, I feel claustrophobic, adrenaline floods and I have a deep fear and need to flee), I have always had the intense feelings of 'anywhere but here' but I would love to get to the point of being able to let my husband hold me. He is a very tactile person (while I can handle hugging only if upright for short times if I am in control) who I know it hurts when I react as I do, he understands, always has but I do want to be held, I want that intimate connection, I love my husband with all my heart, I want to love him like normal people do.
I know it will take a great deal of professional help to achieve this and I just hope I am not asking for to much.

For now, I have enjoyed the night with my friend, we ended on some good laughs and the wine in me will help me sleep. I love my DH for knowing just what I need, he came home with a bottle of wine saying that my friend and I at least deserved to drink good wine, bless him.

I've been following your thread but have absolutely nothing of any use to add having no experience of the situation you are in, but I am in HUGE admiration of you, you're an incredibly strong and self aware person and you should be incredibly proud of yourself for the way you are handling this. I think your friend may have a very good point about a vacuum a few months after the event and it would be worth putting some professional help in place ready for this. Sounds like all in all you have a wonderful husband as well.

I've been following too, haven't really known what to say as everyone's saying the right things anyway. No doubt many, many others are also reading your thread and silently wishing you all the best.

Gosh, isn't your friend amazing? So wise and kind. You know the saying you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. You were dealt a bad hand family-wise but you have met and befriended some great people (including your ex, who does sound like a good friend although not, for you, a good partner, and that's fair enough). You deserve good friends.

Well done that DH, too. I guess the business with his dad blew up at the worst time really, when neither of you can fully support the other because you have major Things going on. I think, though, it's easier to see what emotional support you can give someone whose parent is gravely ill, as indeed you have been doing. Your situation is more complex, currently unclear and, let's face it, pretty horrifying, and if he's never come across something like it it will take a lot of getting his head round. Right now his head is somewhere else, as of course you appreciate, so he can't think straight enough to know how to help you best. It is, however, also perfectly natural that you can't help feeling a little resentful! The wine thing shows his heart is in the right place and hopefully his brain will follow in due course.

Been on the sidelines here and reading for a while.

It must be so difficult having this hanging over you - constant intense pressure.

Unfortunately I've experiences of paedophiles abusing people very close to me. And reading through the chain, to me, it clearly comes through that your father is a predatory abuser who constantly justifies his actions to himself and is extremely manipulative so that those around him see what he wants them to see.

Clearly a danger to all children and you have done well to have recognised the threat he poses and kept your children safe.

Nothing else to say that hasn't been said - and I'm sure lots of others are reading this and thinking of you too.

Hey all, thanks for your messages.
Nothing new to tell in regards to it all, I am just waiting now for Judy to let me know when she wants to see me. I feel like emailing her again to ask but don't want to seem like I am badgering her (well, I would be to be honest, no seem like about it).
I have been thinking about my sister.
I am really torn.
I want to email her, it has been a long time since we last spoke (new year), we are in such early days of trying to fix our relationship. There is so much stuff that I couldn't possibly go into it all yet without going into it all it will be hard for people to see what the issues are.
I know how she will have reacted to this. She will be behind our Father 110%, she has his way of rationalisation and turning the tables on people to make events fir her outlook, opinions and just plain what she wished was true.
My ex after the incident with my Father went to my sister and begged her not to allow her children unsupervised contact with our Father and told her why. He says that at first she cried and then turned it round to the point of dismissing it all. When she found out about the event in 1969 as a teen she was at first devastated with our Father and terribly upset (normal) but within a day had turned everything round to it being Mum's fault (how I don't know, she was 17 and didn't know him when it happened).
These are just the things directly connected to all this, there would be a list a mile long if I were to write everything she has twisted so suit her needs.
So, back to the thought of me contacting her now. I know what her reaction to all this will be, she has either just had our Father visiting her, he is there now or will be there in a few days (unless like me she stopped the visit but I know she will not have done that, he normally gives us each £300 at this visit and she won't forfeit the cash plus she has made herself believe that this is all nothing, a manipulation of something innocent by Mum, basically she will be believing everything he says), I can't email her and do a normal catch up thing like is overdue and just not even mention this stuff, I don't know how she would react and I just can't do it, even if I did the things that are going on for me right now in normal life are such things that she would get funny with me any way (because me and my children only have health issues despite her, yes she said this apart from the bit about the children but that was implied).
That leaves emailing her talking about these things and I just wouldn't know what to say or how to say it, as I said a few posts back, she was never hit by him (although she did witness at least one time of me being shaken like a rag doll and him screaming in my face when I was 6 years old on the day I came out of hospital after a long term stay and major surgery), I don't think he ever touched her in a sexual way, I can not ever know this for sure I know but it is all in the dynamic, the sexual abuse started when the marriage got into serious trouble and he lost some of his hold on our Mum, sexual abuse is rarely about sex, power and control is the key and I believe it was all about gaining that over us his children, I had the strongest bond with Mum, she had been the one at my bed in hospital for weeks at a time while he only came to see me twice (he doesn't like hospitals ) so getting power and control over me was key, with my sister it was different, she was his ally, she was Daddy's girl, very like him, I don't know how much of that is her personality and how much of it is conditioning by him and I guess we will never know but all this (and other bits and pieces) leads me (and my Mum) to think she was never touched by him in any form, although of course he still badly mentally abused her, she can't see that though, ironically because of the abuse.
Part of me feels it is important to get in contact with her, maybe I am wrong and she is going to pieces all on her own, I would hate that, I would feel terrible for her having to deal alone (even though her aloneness is her doing despite desperate efforts on all of our parts) however that is highly, highly unlikely and if that is what she is going through you would think she would contact at least me (I am the only one she has no direct argument with, she still won't let me know her address, not that I have asked, she told me outright she wouldn't let me know it) but she could be sitting there thinking one of us would contact her but, to get back to point, the above is very unlikely.
The most likely thing will be she will admonish me for not sticking up for our Father, say I have been warped by our Mum and any number of other things that I wouldn't like to think about and I am not sure I can take that, this has been so very hard, I have had to open doors on things I shut out for a reason and trusting my own mind and memories has been very hard and I am probably understating the level of abuse out of fear I am remembering things wrong, I have had my mind played with all my life at the hands of my Father that I am struggling to believe in myself, the things my sister would be likely to say would I feel end up coursing some kind of mental break down where I stop even being able to trust my mind enough to believe the memories I have of my wedding or ds's birth.
I am very scared to risk it but at the same time it feels wrong for my sister to be left out there on her own, I am the only person who she wouldn't delete without opening emails BUT it took allot to get to that point with her, I had to be very brave with myself, I had to put myself out there to her, I had to listen to her version of things that are almost poler opposites to the actual events and so she wouldn't cut me out completely as well I had to bite my tongue and say nothing, even when she was accusing our Mum of hitting her when I saw what happened with my own eyes and it wasn't that! If I email her it just throws everything into crisis again and selfishly I don't know I can do it.
I need the wisdom of those not directly involved on this one, what should I do in regards to my sister?
Sorry this has ended up so very long again, I am typing everything that is going through my head as I need to get it out, I need advice and I need good advice which means giving as much information as I reasonably can but I am sorry it has come out in the stream of consciousness form and is probably quite hard to understand and read. If anything needs clarifying or you need more information to advice just ask, I am really so unsure about this and it is tormenting me as I feel that if I am to contact her I really need to have done it last week.

Maybe you could send her a very very brief email. "Hi how are you? I'm here if you want to talk." And leave it at that. I don't know, I think I'd want to let her know the door is open but not go into any specifics.
If you get stuff back you can't deal with, archive it, incase it is important latter. But you don't have to read it, if you are worried could you get your friend to glance through it first?

We are all here rooting for you.

I think those are good ideas, mummytime.

Rooting for you, too :) Remember to take care of yourself, sickabout, you're important.