Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

You are doing so well- I just wanted to reiterate that as I know it's hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment.

You are instinctively behaving in the most appropriate way to protect yourself and your DD, and I'm sure Judy will not feel pestered or pressured at all.
Hang in there (((hug))) x

Hi sad, just wanted to let you know something that I'd forgotten, that may be of help. Most churches now have procedures in place so, that if a serious complaint is made, even if it doesn't result in a conviction for whatever reason, the person concerned can given sufficiently serious circumstances lose their licence to officiate.

How do I know? I made a complaint - well several actually, to a vicar and a rural dean (CofE). Eventually I went to the police, and despite the person's ordination being postponed at the time, nothing could be done. I'd made the complaint too late. They have to use the rules in force at the time of the offence, and, as the offence was 30 years ago, the CPS couldn't take it any further.

The parish where he's vicar is not in the same police authority, so he manipulated the ds not to turn up on his doorstep to arrest him and question him under caution. The arrest/caution/questioning took place 50 miles away, so he got off scot free. However, I have been asked to write to his bishop, and 'cos I'm a coward, havn't put pen to paper - yet.

So.......I too think it's a good idea to get in touch with Judy. It keeps you in the loop, and help build up a bigger picture.

As for getting in touch with your sister. I think it's ok not to, as well as others. I once asked a counsellor if it would have been better if I'd had sibling(s). She told me that my mother would have probably made a sibling the 'golden one', and I'd would have ended up even more isolated. Unfortunately, you can also have a toxic brother or sister, as well as a toxic parent. I understand you wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, but protecting yourself and your dd has to come first.

Regarding the giraffes etc - I know that you'll be like a cat on a hot tin roof every time they're mentioned. Perhaps if you can, keep your reaction low key, and just say that you'll try and go over the holidays and mention vaguely that her gf can't come at the moment. I know it's difficult - I should have done that sometimes, but instead, have made the thing even more remarkable by losing my cool and freaking out.

Take care

Hugs

tb

Well, Things are still static. As soon as I finished my antibiotics the tonsillitis came back so I am now half way through my second course, I am finally starting to feel a bit better. 10 days after surgery DS got an infection in one of his surgical wounds that was quite nasty and required an out of hours doctor trip, he has just finished his week long antibiotic course, luckily pre-school were willing to give him his medication so he was able to go and I was able to get some rest, I even took the day off my Wednesday job, I finally listened to all the people (including my boss) who were telling me I needed to stop and rest or I wouldn't get well, most of those people don't know about all this as well either. It would be easier in allot of ways if I could tell my boss, who is also my dd's friends Mum and my friend about all of this but I just don't really know how, maybe I will get there.
I have managed to put off sending Judy the email, I have found excuse aftyer excuse and bottled it completely until tonight when my Mum called, she had spent an afternoon with my ex and we were talking about him and all sorts of things which lead me to ask if she had heard anything from Judy, she hasn't, my ex would like to talk to Judy, it has all been on his mind to, we all all floundering not knowing what is happening and with not having a voice when we have so much to say so I told my Mum my planned email and promised I would send it tonight to stop me from creating some kind of lame excuse so it is done, feel on edge, feel like I have laid myself out there and I feel very vulnerable. I offered to add a line about my ex hoping to speak to her and I am also going to forward Judy's phone and email address to Mum for her to pass on to my ex (well she already has the email address) so that he has it there if he feels it is getting to much for him and he needs to take some positive action for himself.
The email I have sent is this:

Dear Judy
I was wondering if you could give me any idea of what is happening in
regards to my Father. I am finding having no sense of time frame
difficult. This has unlocked a great deal of suppressed memory from my
childhood and at this time I have no way of working through it and I
wondered if you could give me any idea of even a ball park time frame?
My Ex Partner Mr Xxxx Xxxxxxxx has also been in contact with my Mother
in regards to events that included him, this has also brought a great
deal back for him and he is very keen I am told to talk to somebody.
My Mother has all his contact details.
Thank you very much for your time,
Kind regards,
sickaboutdad

One thing I am pleased about is that my ex is back in contact with my Mum, they always had a good relationship but when I left him Mum didn't want to be dragged into anything so didn't contact him (even though I had said to all friends and family I didn't want people thinking they had to pick sides and if people wanted to stay in contact I didn't have any problems with that). She says they had a great time and A good laugh, it has made me miss the friendship my ex and I had in our early days and I do wish I could be friends with him again, I know DH would never dream of saying I couldn't do that but I know he would find that quite hard, it is a tough one, Mum has suggested that next time we go up to see her she organise a get together (we did this last time were were there, we all had a lovely time) and invite my ex, his wife and son alone with my brother and family. My brother and ex always got on, ex encouraged me to maintain a relationship with my brother even when it was really hard and if it hadn't been for him I am very unsure if my brother and I would have much of if any relationship now. Mum thinks that ex and DH would really get on, I think she is probably right, they would however I would have to have lots of chats with DH, would be hard for him as he was my best friend in the dying days and aftermath of that relationship and heard all the bad things and the things that went wrong and non of the good stuff, DH picked up the pieces, would be hard for DH to try and get past that and also DH can be quite insecure, he would never in a million years tell me who I could and couldn't see but I know with a couple of other male friends he can be uncomfortable due to things that have happened in the distant past, unreciprocated feelings one friend had for me (even though that friend has moved on and he just got married DH still finds it hard, I don't fully blame him really as that friend can cross the line sometimes) etc.
Anyway, I think all that stuff is for later, need to concentrate on this for now although I would like to know if people think it would be really unreasonable for me to even broach the idea of inviting my ex and his wife and child to a fairly large get together at my Mums house? I am prepared to be told that it really wouldn't be appropriate however much everybody else would like it as I know my DH's feelings are massively important in this and if he isn't comfortable with it then it won't happen but do I even bring the idea up?

Sorry for another long one, maybe I should write more often to avoid these huge posts but if I am honest I have been pottering around my normal areas with my normal posting name trying to forget this whole horrid mess.

Okay, I have had a speedy reply from Judy that reads like this:

Thanks for contacting me and I'm sorry about the effect this is having
on you although I do understand. There was a strategy meeting last week
and some actions were agreed. I'm unable to tell you what they were at
the moment because I have to let the statutory agencies take their
action first but they have agreed that I should be able to talk to you
within the next couple of weeks. What I would say though, is if there is
anything you or [my ex] would like to share before then it would help if
you could e'mail me whatever you feel comfortable with in case there is
anything I need to pass on to the agencies.

I promise I will be in touch as soon as I get the all clear from the
other agencies.

So, things are kind of like I assumed although Mum and I had both feared everything had been dropped as my Father has been in touch with my brother (he seems to think this is a window to get my brother back on side and all my brother can think of, and who in their right mind could blame him, is contact with his daughter) and my brother is saying that my Father has received a caution in relation to the events in 1969. We know of course that anything my Father says is not reliable as he has been playing this all down to the extreme throughout but naturally hearing this did worry my Mum and I so I am pleased that things do still seem to be happening.
I will forward this message onto my Mum to in turn let my Ex know he has this option.
Now me. I honestly feel I need to tell Judy what I remember as when I last spoke to her it was only the first week after the bomb hit and I was still very confused and mistrusting of my own memories thanks to the affects of my Father however now thanks in no small part to the people who have helped me here and in RL I am trusting my own memories as I have been able to look at things in a different light and know that my Fathers version about how things were just doesn't fit.
I have not spoken to Judy at all about the inappropriate sexual incidents in my childhood, the bedtime stories one being the most clear and also the reactions I have to being held in bed, also the reactions I have to sex (as soon as sex is finished I have to get away, I bolt from the bedroom, all things combined mean for example that in the last 3 years I have had sex with my husband about 4 times) and then there is the memories, hazy and disjointed that they are that I believe are at the route of all the above. It is hard as I don't believe there was one dramatic event, I don't believe there was anything more then inappropriate touching and holding. I can still here his voice in my head saying all this is nothing, there are people out there who have been 'properly' sexually abused and I am just crating things from nothing etc, etc.
I really don't feel very comfortable with putting the above in an email to Judy (yet, I realise, I am okay with putting it here, what's that about?), what should I do? It seems that at this time Judy is unable to contact me directly, maybe I need to look at why I feel uncomfortable with putting it in an email yet okay with putting it here and if I can get over that with your help so I can ensure the agencys involved are working with all the relevant information. I need help with this and I need it quickly, sorry to ask again.

Would it be easier to send Judy a link to your thread, or to C&P your post above to an email? It sounds very much as if you have things to tell her - maybe even clamouring to be told, now - which need sensitive questioning in order to come out coherently. This is what counsellors do; I wonder whether Judy would put you in touch with an appropriately trained counsellor, if you asked her directly.

I'm happy to hear you finally did take some down-time for yourself, if only a little bit, and that you and DS are on the mend.

Good luck. Please do keep building your support, within the family and elsewhere. x

Excellent idea garlicnutter about a link to this thread if that's easier, unless you think doing that would then make it difficult for you to post onto this thread afterwards if you see what I mean.

I think on here it feels very anonymous to type what you've been through. With Judy she's a person who you will need to meet at some point and telling her is going to have consequences.

I think that is perhaps the conflict you have?

I would cut and paste the appropriate bits into an word doc. I would then email her and say it's all a bit rambled and disjointed but that you need to discuss the memories you do have.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's all going to hit the fan regardless of whether you tell Judy or not. However telling Judy means that he will be dealt with much more appropriately.

for you and your family.

Oh God. I can't say much right now as have a hectic hour of making Tea and getting dd back to school to do her play but things have happened. Big things. Things that have had me sobbing and punching the air in equal measure.
The simplest way to say right now is my Father will never ever be able to hurt anyone ever again. Will be back later to say everything, sorry to be a tease, got the call from my Mum 10 mins ago and still all over and have so much to do in normal everyday stuff before I can sit down.

sounds like news of a type of justice sickabout.... watching ready to listen

Be kind to yourself x

Okay, first chance I have had to come back here after sorting children and then giving DH all the information once he was back from play viewing.
Got a call from my Mum today asking if I had received any news, no I say, well you will she replies and goes on to tell me that she had received a voice mail from her city's social services asking her to call them back non urgently. She called them right back (as you would) to be told things were moving. All my Fathers children and guardians of his Grandchildren would be receiving visits from social services (they said that I would be contacted by social services for my county) and be told in no uncertain terms that our children must not have contact in any form with their Grandfather. Failing to abide by this would result in our children being considered at risk (ie. We would be knowingly exposing our children to a person who presented a significant risk to children and therefore would be ourselves considered a risk to our children and all the repercussions of this). My Father has been placed on the sex offenders register as he is a risk to children. The police case has been passed over to the Irish police and they will be dealing with him in the criminal area (finding out if they can build a case I guess). My Father must at all times be supervised by a member of his order.

My first reaction was 'Fucking A' followed closely by sobbing, then shaking, then elation, then sobbing and shaking and so on and so forth round and round I am still in that cycle.
My children were no longer at any risk from him as I had already stopped contact, the best thing is that now my sister, who has consistently failed to protect her children (from more then just this) will now have to or risk losing her children, my Father was planning to be in England right now (I don't know, he might be here now) to be going to see my Niece (sisters dd) for her 16th birthday in a few days, this is way their area has acted first I think to put a stop to this. This also covers my brothers dd that my Father has isolated from her paternal family apart from him, he has her care giver, her maternal grandmother in this control also but now she to will have to abide or face losing care of my niece. This is great news for my brother, he has always said he would never try and take her from what she knows, he just wants to see her, to be a part of her life and this gives him the best case for that he has ever had, I am so hopeful he can start to build a relationship with his daughter and her her Father and siblings (and wider family of course but that is secondary).

There is so much going round my head, thought, feeling, emotions, where to go with things from here, all this is not even including the information about the abuse I suffered as a child, do I need to give over this info now there is so very much tangles thoughts I think I will write another post about all that later, think this is long enough for now. I think my head exploded.

That all sounds really positive, and your reaction sounds normal too

look after yourself whilst you are getting your head around this

After turning things over and over in my mind and talking the DH I have come to realise that my first feeling of 'I don't have to send that difficult email to Judy now' was wrong, I do still need to send that email, as much for me as anything else. So I have written the email, I have used part of some of my posts here as building blocks and it hasn't been nearly as hard as I had feared. I actually feel quite positive about it, I think that is due to the fact that due to the actions of social services I feel I will be believed, that is a massive thing. When my Mum told me what was happening one of my first responses was 'so I am not mad, it all did happen didn't it?'. So, before I press the send button I really want your opinions on it, I need to make sure it is okay. I want to send it quickly while I am still riding the wave so quick responses would be mighty good here so I don't end up putting it off again and again. Here it is:

The last time I talked to somebody about it I was 19 and over the years there have been occasions and events that have called these childhood things back to the front but I have never trusted myself enough to say anything. When I spoke to you on the phone the shock was still very fresh and these things were long buried with a mix of not trusting my own memories or that I would be believed, I can even hear in my head what his reaction to being confronted with all this would be (I had a close and loving relationship with my daughter, I was a good Father) and they were also filed under 'what can I do with that?, nothing? What's the point in hurting yourself with it then. However as this has progressed things have been unlocked, some things remembered clearly, others are very disjointed and remembered as being on the outside looking in.

This sticks in my head as it is the clearest of memories that are very uncomfortable, a key thing of this for me now is that I could see that unless I took action against and put up blocks it was behaviour he would repeat with my daughter who is approaching the age I was. I can clearly remember, so vividly, I am almost transported back, the smell, the sounds, the sensations. Little white with pick flower vertical stripes nylon nighty, no underwear, hair wet from the bath. Climb onto Fathers lap for story, the strong smell of home brew beer and pipe tobacco all over him, a heaviness to his breathing, the way he would pull me close, put his hands on me, rub his hands up and down the outside of my leg, lifting my nightdress along the way, call me silly names. The conflicts of feelings, I have managed to get his favour but there is an anxious edge to it, I am going through the motions of what is expected of me but I don't want to stay any longer then I have to, I can't understand what all this means, what all these feeling are, I am too young, these memories come from around the ages of 6 and 9 I don't remember the books he read but I remember every other little detail like I am back there.

The other main one is far, far less clear. I remember it like I am standing in the doorway looking in. It is not a memory of one event as such but many the same. I am about 6 or 7 years old, I have been wetting the bed and each night when my parents go to bed I am lifted to the potty next to my bed. I can describe the bedroom as it was then very well, I can say that the potty was white and on the left hand side of the fireplace in my bedroom. My sister shared the room, her bed was on the other side of the room, she always slept soundly throughout, I don't think I ever woke up much for the lifting. My Mother tells me she would also take her turn lifting but I have no memories of her doing it at all. Everything is far to hazy, I don't know what happened, I just know something did and I have had, all my adult life the strong feeling that it is what ever happened on those nights my Father lifted me to the potty that is at the route of the issues I have now around my adult sexual relationships. I can't stand to be held in bed, it makes me feel panicky, claustrophobic, it floods me with adrenaline and I just have to get away. Due to these reactions I have never had much interest in sex and when I do I have to get away right after, I always leave the bedroom right away, I simply can't stay, the feelings of panic are too much, I imagine this is around being held.

It has taken allot for me to put this out to you by email but I do feel it is important that this information about events and memories from my childhood is in the right hands. I feel that now it has been unlocked I can't hold onto it without doing myself harm by locking it all down again.

Although I have never let these things to the surface or given them time in my head for so many reasons it has affected my responses to things, especially my children, I never liked the way he was when hugging the children and as my daughter was getting older i was getting more and more uncomfortable and vigilant, I took precautions of ensuring my dd wore underwear under her night clothes, they were changed in a different room and as always he would never been left alone with them. I was starting to get worried about what I was going to do, his interactions with my daughter were starting to make me more and more uncomfortable, I have wanted to pull my children away from him several times but shamefully lacked the courage to do so.

I don't know if this is going to be of any use but simply putting it down and sending it out has been of use to me even though it is become more and more clear I need professional help with all of this.
Thank you for your time and I do understand you are in a difficult position.

sickaboutdad, I think the email is really good and you definately need to send it. Well done, telling Judy about all of these memories will be the start of your recovery.

Take care and I hope they give you the support and help you feel you need x

definitely send it - I think you have been clear and honest about what you remember and how you felt

My heart goes out to you. Yes, send it, it tells your story in your own voice.

You must be feeling very odd just now - sudden vindication, clarity over the family conflicts, the questions that will arise from that and, finally, safety in telling your truths. I really hope you will find all the open ears and understanding you need. Well done; your courage is paying off. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Sleep well. x

Ohhhhhh I sent it. I don't like this feeling like I want to jam my hand in the post box to try and fish out the envelope. I don't think I could have done it at all prior to today's news.
I am still doing a fine impression of a spinning top.
The thing I am struggling with is the feeling that there has to be more then I know about. Given that all this from the authorities is without much imput from me, until I pressed send a moment ago all they had from me was that I didn't allow my children to be alone with him and the uncomfortable but not sure where to go with things vibe I gave out. They had the information from my Mother but non of that was around sexual abuse, physical and emotional yes, her age and vulnerabilities when they became a couple, her experiences being manipulated as part of a church cover up and him getting back into education. They had the strange stuff around my niece but even though all that is bad I fail to see it producing the reaction that has happened. What do people think?

I don't know what to think, sickabout, except that the team seem to have found more evidence and you will need a safe way to let your memories come out to be processed. From what you've said about the ongoing effects in your life, I reckon it's safe to predict long-term benefits to you and your family. I imagine there are some emotional difficulties ahead. I imagine you'll feel very, very angry at your father for causing them.

Meanwhile, how relieved you must be that you trusted yourself enough to protect your DC from him!

I feel for everyone concerned. So glad your DH is able to stand by you :) How are the pair of you coping?

Sorry, I meant to add in case it's not obvious to you - you feel like un-sending the letter because it was drummed into you (the child you were) not to tell. These things stick, until we give ourselves permission to speak freely.

Ah, so good he will not be able to hurt any more children. I too wonder what else has surfaced. What DID he do??

Just to balance evil with good, I think it would be beneficial for you to take a few minutes and recall how fine a man your Dad (stepdad) was. About stopping other conversations as it was time for reading with you. How you looked forward to the next chapter. How safe you felt listening to him conversing with others. It makes me feel how there are truly good people in the world, and he was one of them. People not connected by blood, but by love.

Thanks for all your messages, HansieMom your post got me through the night.

Question. It occurred to me today walking to school that in effect my children are now under a kind of protection order and this is something their schools should know, if social services don't tell them themselves.
I was thinking that as the end of term is fast approaching maybe I should get a meeting with the head of dd's school and ds's key worker (who is also the pre-school supervisor). My friend feel this would be a good idea but at the same time this is really frightening for me, laying myself out there. I trust the schools confidentiality completely and know that what is said will not go beyond the people who need the know however I am a bit more worried about pre-school on that front. It is a parent committee run village pre-school and the last person I would want knowing any of this is the chair of the pre-school committee. I know when my friend got funding for before 3 years old pre-school for her dd due to being a single parent she didn't want this woman to know but apparently due to the way things work she had to know, I know this is very different to funding and I also know that this woman is bound by confidentiality agreements as chair however even though she would have to abide by these rules she would still know and I really can't handle that.
Unless someone comes on and says stop, don't do it, I am going to ask for an appointment with dd's head teacher while I am at school for pick up (not for right then and there just when she has time kind of thing) as I think it would be best to get in there first before social services (although they may have already contacted school as I know they have contacted the head teacher of the isolated niece already but her case is very different to mine) but this worry with pre-school is big, I may ask ds's key worker what the rules would be and if the chair would need to know about a child protecting issue. What do people think?

I must say that although I got little sleep last night I am feeling better and more positive today, I am still having the shit, my Father is on the sex offenders register, considered a risk to children and my children are covered by a social service protection order moments but I had a lovely morning with the horses, nothing as lovely as a horse to hug and talk to and I am feeling okay.

The question to ask the pre-school key worker is about the pre-school's policy on "safeguarding" and who the child protection officer is. In my kids pre-school as a committee we would not have known (necessarily) about any child protection issues, and the child protection officer was a member of staff, if they needed to report upwards they would go to a member of the LEA before speaking to the committee. However I can't say this will be the same everywhere.

Well, a short time ago I had the call. A very nice man from my local social services child protection on call team. He told me what I knew from my Mum, he first used the word convicted but in actual fact it seems he has been officially cautioned for indecent acts with a minor and sexual assault of a minor both in relation to the 1969 case. He has been placed on the sex offenders register for two years (which after some time with google last night I had figured to be the term related to a caution rather then conviction through the courts). I think it stands a bit like a conviction because he admits the offence, you do not need to be convicted in a court of law to be placed on the register but in those cases the maximum term is 2 years.
I talked for a good while to the social worker about things ranging from the abuse I suffered as a child (no detail though), how the children were coping, how I was managing questions from them to my feelings of guilt and a whole load more stuff as well.
I told the social worker that my children would never be having contact with their Grandfather ever again, that made him happy. He told me that they believed my Father was in the country and planning a visit, I told him there was no visit planned her and I had stopped the one planed for a month ago, he was again pleased that he didn't have to tell me such a visit would not be allowed, which he would have had to tell me had my answers been different.
When I picked up ds I had a chat with his key worker, all that needed to happen was for me to fill in the must never be received to under any circumstance form and nothing needs to go any further, she reassured me my son shows no signs of having ever been abused. While at school I made an appointment to see the head on Friday afternoon. I told the social worker this and again he was pleased. He said as I had already made steps to speak to school and had spoken to pre school he would allow me to do that myself, had not done this he would have been contacting them himself.
There is no need for them to come and see me as I have made steps to prevent contact and therefore my children are not considered to be at risk. My parenting is not in question. He told me it isn't my fault. He told me that my actions since the birth of my children had been the right ones and I have done all in my power to protect my children and in that I have done everything right.
He has referred me to my GP to access counselling, I am already in the first stages of doing this, I will put a rocket up my own backside on this front and I am also going to push for help from the church in the form of Judy.
I am to tell school that if they have any questions or concerns they are to call him, I am also to call him if anything comes up with me or if there is any questions I may have. I have probably forgotten something in this account, any questions, please ask.
I guess it is all good but I also feel that things are not yet finished. I have however had a smile on my face ever since I put the phone down from our talk. That said I would really appreciate everybody's opinions on all this, I want to know what people think, what I should now do, anything, I think I just need to know you are all there, that somebody is listening to my mad rambles. I guess I don't want to feel alone.

Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone. :).