Father admits sexual abuse in past. new thread

[sickaboutdad]

I had the other thread removed due to there being to many identifying details so I am starting this to replace that.
BT are not in my goodbooks right now and could potentialy have no phone or internet until thursday. I am on my phone right now. I got an email from the cp lady this morning with her number and asking me to call her, it wasn't possible for me to do that today itmam be possible tomorrow if not wednesday afternoon. I feel in control. this is good. will useneighbors internet to send do not visit email from dh tonight. thanks to all.

With respect Homeboys I have to disagree, obviously you and others here are not privy to every single bit of information. I can only speak for myself in regards to what happened in our family home when I was a child and as well as the emotional and physical abuse I suffered from my Father there are significant red flags for me that there was inappropriate behaviour of a sexual nature towards me as a child. My brain is very good at protecting me from things that are extraordinarily hard to handle, an example of this is the birth of my dd, it was a very hard very dramatic birth, I was in labour for over 36 hours, they tried numerous vontous attempts and then three forceps attempts before a crash c-section under a general antithetic. It was a horrendous experience in which my dd and I nearly lost our lives. I am missing 8 hours of that experience, the 8 hours before the final forceps attempt, it is not something I have since forgotten or buried away it is like my brain just chose to shut down. I am left with a missing 8 hours, I have tiny snaps of events from the hour or so before my brain 'switched back on' quite hazy and disorganised but having spoken about the events of those 8 hours to the people who were there my snap shots are correct, the information in the hazy disorganised memory is correct.
It is the same sort of memory I have about the incidents regarding my Father in my childhood. This is not something that I have only just realised since all this kicked off last weekend it is simply that I have had it stuffed away in the same place that I had the knowledge that there had been an incident involving a book in the school before my Father left. The last time I talked to somebody about it I was 19 and over the years there have been occasions and events that have called these childhood things back to the front but I have never trusted myself enough to say anything.
These are also warning flags with my brother, the isolation of my niece (although I believe that is a control thing) and a whole host of things that are too much to go fully into but to do with his involvement in other peoples families and the fact he managed to get him self back in education.
I also don't agree about your view of the event that is (I believe) at the route of this investigation. We are talking about a teacher (who is also a Monk) in his late 30's being involved in a sexual act with a boy of 16. Catholic monastic boys boarding schools are a real bread of their own, the church holds so much authority and power, the monks are set up to be Gods voice on earth, you are set up to respect your teachers, what they say is truth and you do as you are told (in those days corporal punishment was used extremely often). That is far more then a breech of trust, far, far more.

To be clear, when I said 'take the letter at face value' I only meant re his ignorance about what had upset you -- the address-giving or the past. I ABSOLUTELY didn't mean of course to endorse his claims about what he had and hadn't done in the past.

It´s all so still about him, isn´t it?

TBH I would have thought that it was blindsingly obvious what you are upset about!

My thoughts would be to absolutely take control & say that you wish to be left alone & any future contact will be on your terms only.

Sorry Threadworm, all that was to Homeboys not at all about your post. I agree that I don't think there is anything other then his inability to understand how devastating this is, how much it brings up for me and others or what the long lasting ramifications are, all he see's is himself and he projects what he would feel, ie me being angry he has given my address to Judy.
I don't think I am going to reply to him at all, anything I send to him will just lead him thinking it is okay to communicate with me in some way, if I were to give a fixed term of no communication he would just double his efforts to communicate with me, the best way to keep him at bay I think is to just ignore, I have nothing nice to say to him so I shall say nothing at all.

The thing is with his claims to have never molested a child I quite believe that he see's this as fact, he manipulates, twists and simply re-writes history to suit him and then he believes his own lies for example, as I said there was nothing in my childhood that could be said to be full on sexual abuse but as I say there was defiantly inappropriate sexual behaviour, he will have categorised that in his head as having a close and loving relationship with his daughter, so in his mind, he has never molested a child. He see's the 1969 event as him making a mistake, an unfortunate, embarrassing incident so in his mind, he has never committed an offence.

"I don't think I am going to reply to him at all, anything I send to him will just lead him thinking it is okay to communicate with me in some way"

Well, you know him to know if that would be the best.

I don´t think anyone would blame you for just ignoring now.

I think a lot of people try to excuse rationalise this sort of behaviour.

At the end of the day if he did anything to make you feel uncomfortable, then that was wrong, no matter what he says imo.

I couldn't say for sure that would happen but I remember when he was trying to get my brother to talk to him, he was relentless, firstly trying to get his contact details out of me (I refused to give them without my brothers consent, he didn't seem to understand that, maybe that's why he thinks I would be angry about him giving my address to Judy) and then once he had my brothers details it took sometime for him to get the message my brother did not want to speak to him (My brother doesn't want contact with my father because of what he did with my niece). I can't face that, I really can't so i don't want to risk it. If he send more or calls after me not replying to his letter I will ask dh to send a desist email.

I rationalise his behaviour for years and years, I didn't have to face up to it so I didn't, I didn't have to face up to the violence for years so I didn't, I only properly faced up to that 9 months ago as when my good friend (the local one) was going through a marriage breakdown her (d)h started calling me to get information or trying to twist my words to use against her, he could be quite intense both on the phone and in person he could back you into a corner just talking at you, it brought up a lot of things, I was so scared, it took me right back to being a child. Now I have to face up to all the other stuff and right now I feel like I am drowning in it :(

I hope that you feel that you can get some professional help with all this, sickabout. It is too much to go through without as much help as possible. I'm sure that one of Judy's roles will be to give toy direction and supprt in seeking counselling. xx

I think it might, as you say, be best just not to reply, & ignore for as long as you want-that way you are doing what you want.

As you say, if you reply asking him not to contact you, chances are he won´t respect that & will try to draw you in with guilt & explanations.

Thank you for taking the time, I really do appreciate it so much.
Judy has already talked about counselling to help get me through all this (as well as for my brother and anyone else affected eg. Mum, ex-bf) and I am also in contact with my GP.
Having to face up to all of this while terrifying and hellish is also strangely liberating, so many things I have held onto for so long, many things due to being disjointed and based around inappropriate behaviour rather then full on abuse and also things I can't quite put my finger on why but I feel they are connected with my Father I also kind of thought people would think me silly and not believe me, it is a relief to both get it out and be taken seriously.

It's a strange thing with abuse. Because it's not a big feature in most people's lives, thank god, listeners/readers readily minimise what we say: worse, they often fall into the trap of arguing as if they were trying a case in court. (This is the reason for current changes to the law, whereby if you "feel abused" then you are.)

OP, my experience is very different from yours. But I wanted to try & illustrate this point from a personal perspective. I've got almost no specific childhood memories, though I can tell you I was hit often, was afraid of Dad, and was called thick/ugly/stupid. The majority of listeners will say something like "All parents do that"; "His job was very stressful", and "Why didn't you stand up for yourself?" Those replies are understandable only once you've acquired the matrix of 'normal' behaviour, which informs the respondents.

It sounds as though your stepfather succeeded in providing you with the 'normal' matrix: sufficiently, at least, to let you know that your bio father's values don't fit within it. This shores you up for the difficult task ahead. At the same time, though, your bio father was a significant influence during your young life, when you had no alternative values by which to appraise him and what he did/said.

Because we literally didn't know anything else at that age, we tried to integrate our inborn directive ("Parents Are Always Right") with our innate self-protection ("This feels wrong!") ... It doesn't work so, commonly, we just shut off as you've implied.

People often think that inner-child/CPTSD therapy involves recovering memories, indulging in protracted blame, and other scary prospects. It doesn't. Far more sensibly, it's about accepting what happened and gaining wisdom. It's not an easy process - and can be a very long one. But, since you had the benefits of a good stepfather and a sane mother, it'll be less of a challenge for you than it has been, and is, for me. If Judy's good at her job - and it looks as if she is - you will be offered such therapy. Take it :)

I never meant to write so much just now!! I hope I haven't scared you; it's meant to be reassuring. xx

Sorry homeboys I kind of jumped down your throat there, I apologise. So much going round my head, so many memories, feelings fighting to get through it is easy to forget that for reasons many I haven't put down here and I guess you are right I have no proof of sexual abuse from my Father but this has also left me wondering, when does inappropriate sexual behaviour (like when I used to sit on his knee in my nighty having my bedtime story and he would rub up and down the outside of my leg lifting my nightdress) turn into sexual abuse? What if I can never fully remember things, what if it is always these half formed things that never make it past snap shot and feelings of fear and dread? These are things that have affected me all my life but except for once I have never vocalised? What do I do with all of this?

x post garlicbutter thank you so so much, I would say you have no idea what that means but I think you just might, thank you (okay, tears now!)

:) and a mumsnet hug. x

Hi sickabout, I've been lurking since your original thread and feel compelled to post. I don't have much advice to offer, but want you to know that there are far too many so called fathers out there that have 'behaved inappropriately' and got away with it.

Although this is a horrid situation for you to deal with now, the possibility of justice being done may help you and your family to get some inner peace in the longer term.

In the meantime, please accept a virtual squirt of Bachs Rescue Remedy and a hug from a fellow survivor x

Oops, that would be a {{{hug}}}

Was having some real wobbles last night so thank you so much for being there to hold my hand and get my through it.
I have just picked up a weird email through from my Father:

Rather mysteriously, a message came through this afternoon addressed to me and from you? but it turned out to be our previous email exchange with nothing attached .
Was there a message that somehow failed?

First off it shows he is despite, I think maybe he may be starting to realise I am not going to do as he wants and secondly, I haven't even had that email conversation open since yesterday and there is nothing in my sent email that says I sent him anything, I have barely been on the computer all day and haven't been on my email,l I didn't even have it open since 8.30am this morning, I was at work all morning, my computer off. He is playing with my head isn't he? Or he has seen the conversation in his inbox and thought it was new? If it had sent back to him from my email then if would have included to two forward messages I wrote to my Mum, he would have absolutely said something about those had he seen them. What the hell is going on?

On a far more positive note, my Mum has been on the phone to my ex-bf, he called her as soon as my friend gave him an outline of what is happening, they had a good talk, he told my Mum a little of what happened that night, there was a comment, about little children sitting on his lap, this makes me feel sick, you just have to look at one of my posts from last night to know why, anyway, bless him he is willing to talk to Judy. He is my ex for a reason but he is good man (who is soon to be a Dad, chuffed for him :D).

So had a load of good stuff, good chat with my Mum, the news about my ex, other things my Mum is chasing up and confirming and now this, he is playing head games with me or he is scared about what I am doing, not sure what makes me feel worse, I am terrified of what is going to happen when he finds out I am not singing his praises as a Father and saying how ridiculous the whole thing is.

My Mum also passes on her thanks for the help and support you have all been giving me, I have passed on bits and pieces to her and she has also been helped, you are all more then amazing, last night was awful, I couldn't sleep, my childhood was swirling around me, deep dark secrets and memories finding the light, emotions so strong they took me right back but you all helped in ways that are impossible to describe, I survived, I think I can survive even though it is harder then I could have ever thought.

Yes, sounds as if he´s messing with you, doesn´t it?

Well, it doesn´t need an answer, does it as you didn´t send anything.

And when a message fails the sender is informed as as far as I know, the person it should have been sent to knows nothing about it-as it didn´t get there!

Keep strong, & all the best to you & your mum.

Wow sickaboutdad - you have so much to deal with. So sorry that you have all this crap, but so happy that you've got people around you who love you and will do everything to help you get through it.

Hope you have a good night - and you will survive, and come out stronger.

Who knows, he ain't exactly techno savvy, hasn't got much of a clue about computers, he can send an email that's about it, what he means I think is did I try and send a reply to him but some how send it without the text. There are only one of two things going on here, he has seen the email conversation in his inbox and for some reason thought there was something new on there (very unlikely I would say) or he is attempting to mess with my head and illicit a response from me.

I shall not let him win this game he is playing.

"I shall not let him win this game he is playing."

Good for you!

How about changing your email address or blocking him?

Hey, Just stopping by. Had a quieter few days on this front and been a bit more able to properly support my DH as I mentioned a few posts back my fil was in hospital. He had a double by-pass last Friday and is recovering well but it is a shock and a struggle for him and mil to get their heads round, they have to change a great deal of their lifestyle as he has also been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes (the heart and now this have been quite a shock to them as neither are really overweight or unhealthy) and it is going to take time to get fil back on his feet. Mil won't drive in the city so dh and sil have been taking turns getting her to and from the hospital and things. I feel so much for dh, he is having to deal with so very much right now but he is doing great I think all this considered.
Just got of the phone with my Mum, my ex called her again today and they talked a long time, he told her exactly what my Father said to him that night and it has shocked and upset my Mum badly and I have been shaky since I asked her is she was willing to tell me and she did. Earlier up thread I talked about one of my clearer memories of inappropriate sexual contact with my Father as a child was to do with sitting on his lap in my nighty having bed time stories well that night with my ex he had been out to dinner with my Father, my sister and her two children (her 3rd came later), her eldest dd was 5 and her ds just a small baby (I was in hospital if you can keep up), through the meal my niece had been up and down and spent allot of time sitting on my ex's lap (she idolised him and he her, she had no Father in her life, my ex had been in her life from a baby, he was like a Dad to her, he still adores her now she is 16 although he sadly no longer has contact due to my sister, I begged them both to keep contact for my niece when we split, ex tried, sister blocked, story of her life), ex and my Father had been drinking, they got back to our flat, were having another drink before bed, my ex commented that it can be hard to enjoy a meal out with children jumping up and down from your lap to which my Father replied,
warning, this is sickening, you may wish to skip reading

'little children on your lap, you know what it's like, fucking, it's fucking'

I can't describe how this makes me feel, what it brings up, how I am shaking, I just can't describe it all.
My ex is going to talk to Judy, he is going to tell her everything he knows and has experienced. The other horrible thing about this is that my ex went to my sister after this and warned her to keep her children away, never leave them alone, protect them. I am told that at first she cried then she glossed over and never acted on my ex's warning to her. This is sadly unsurprising when it comes to my sister. There is also more my ex will talk to Judy about.
I am so very proud and thankful to my ex, he is a good man. My Mum also tells me he asked how I was coping, I am very touched by that. He is the only person I ever talked to about this really before all this, we have been split along time, he doesn't have to do this but he wants to, he cares even though the split was hard, gahh, I can't explain it properly, don't get me wrong, he was the wrong man for me and I was the wrong woman for him, our relationship went on years past it's sell by date because we were young and neither of us wanted to admit things were wrong and neither of us knew how to get out. He was no angel, he could be very controlling, he had his vices but he is a good man, always has been. This is bringing up all sorts of stuff, I don't love my ex, haven't for a long long time, I don't want to be with him, both our lives are better for us having split, I love my husband, I love the life we have built. It is so much easier to either dislike or feel ambiguous towards an ex, it is strange to feel so much pride and admiration for him. I can't explain this well at all.

When it comes to my brother it is a wait and see, he is confused and unsure right now, he doesn't know what to do, my Father has contact him all gushing and loving, I can see what he is trying to do, Mum can, my brothers wife can but he is still a confused small boy in this and doesn't know which way to turn. Everyone is agreed that what ever he does or doesn't do has to be his decision, this is not something any of us are willing to push him on or try to influence him, this has to be for him by him. We are seeing some improvements in the way he is dealing with things but at the end of the day what ever he decides to do we will stick by him and support him because we love him no matter what.

I imagine things are going to continue at they have been with a little bit here and there but nothing actually happening until the 6th when Judy is back in the office, think I will need to brace myself then and gather everyone in rl and here around me in preparation.
Sorry this was meant to be a short one.

I think it is natural to have strong feelings towards your ex at the moment, after all he is the only person offering a concrete 'witness statement' other than your mum. This is fantastic and I am not surprised you are feeling so warm towards him. You know that he is not doing this 'for you' but because he believes in right and wrong, and wants to protect other children from potential harm.

Keep posting I can tell it is really helping you, and you are doing so so well. I hope your FIL is recovering well.

I'm always touched when my ex (of 10 years) gets in touch or asks about me. It confirms that the 10 years wasnt a waste of time if he can still care about me now. Im also happy with my life and new DP and I think a person can admire and be proud of more than one person at a time without being at all unfaithful.
I think Im trying to say that this is bound to raise your ex's profile a bit but that its ok. Its also ok to ponder what ifs and maybes (if thats what youre doing) - its not disloyal at all, just natural. Would it help keep your footing if you were to send a card (along the lines for thanks for sharing what you know, or sorry youve had to get involved) and sign it from both you and your DH? A sort of chalking a boundary in place?