Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Herhissy spot on about the need to unite the family. So hard to get DC to understand tho, esp when violent behaviour is involved. WTF do you start? With a deep breath I guess.
hurryup You are literally reeling with no time to process anything. It sounds like OM took advantage of you at a very vulnerable time, fancied himself as a white knight and you as an ego boost before deciding he didn't like the reality of having an emotionally fragile person to deal with.
That aside, tho, he has done you a favour, because after you have stuck a picture of him to the middle of your dartboard and written "useless twat" under it, and feeling better about the whole thing, you will find that you have the needs of one less person to consider. Which is good, because you need time to get in a good, safe place emotionally so you can deal with your DC.

Do whatever it takes to build a wee wall round yourself for going to work. Be calm and detached, regard him with amusement and the knowledge that he has gone backwards (back to his ex) while you can only move forwards. He wont be smiling for long, I bet. But that's not something you need to concern yourself with.

snowmama Not surprised to hear that X hasn't taken these events well, but well done for getting to this stage! We are here for when you want to vent.

Hello. HerHissy invited me over

I feel a bit like a fraud tbh. I'm still not entirely sure that Dh is abusive and not just a bit thick. Although if were a bit thick he'd insult others, surely and would have been knocked the fuck out by some by now?

I don't think I am ready to leave yet. I don't know if I will be. I just need to work out what he is doing and why I think.

I feel confused and a bit drained. My thread was not meant to go like that

I'll order the book you reccomended MyHissy, as soon as I have funds in my Amazon. I might get the kindle version if there is one.

I hope you lot are all feeling better than me today? I'll read through the rest of this thread as soon as I can.

Hello all. Just wanted to join you because my H has been EA and I have been putting p with it for years.
Mumsnet has been an eye opener and for a year now I have stopped making any allowances for him. Or I am saying I have until I start getting weak again and think that he has changed, has made some huge efforts etc.... Therefore who am I to think I want to go away, get divorced and not live with him anymore?

H has never been physically abusive (even though he did scare me once. He looked like he was full of anger and ready physically to explode). He has never been even rude to me (no name calling) but he has been putting me and the dcs (esp dc1) down on a regular basis.
He has refused to do things because I proposed it and it wasn't fitting his plans (even when it was about our dcs wellbeing). And has been stepping down each and every single time it looked like it was something non negotiable for me.
He is negative (like when he has been grumbling about his promotion, when he was grumbling before about the fact he wasn't getting said promotion at work...).
He doesn't want to be with his dcs. Spend his time saying they are hard work. Strangely enough no one else does. He doesn't speak to them to the extend that even his mum commented on it (Well she told me he should spend more time talking with dc2 who has issues with speaking english. Apparently, the news would be better recieve if I was the one to talk to him about it...). I did ask him to spend some time one to one with him for years. Still no actions.

I have been recieving some sort of 'counselling' through work (well it's called mentoring) in part because I felt I wasn't doing a good enough job. And guess what? What came out it that he has been putting me down for so long that I have no self worth left and therefore sees myself as incompetent, even though I am.

Despite all that, I can't face the courage to leave, mainly because, due to my work, I have some strange shifts and don't see how I could do my job wo him doing some sort fo childcare. And I don't trust him to do so when we will be separated.
And he has stopped all the 'very' bad EA (like stonewalling) so it nearly feels 'acceptable' enough iyswim.
And then we hit another wall. Like this weekend where he has been trying to make me accept to change my car for a smaller & newer one so that he could keep the new car and give me his old tatty car (that I don't like to drive - I've said so many times). Cue for him to grumble because I said I was going to take my car to the garage to have the breaks checked. He didn't want me to (as his plans were to sell said car). He ended spending quite a bit of time 'repairing' the breaks. I still wasn't happy about them. He got very grumpy. The fact this is about a quite important safety issue, both for me and the dcs, was obviouly not a major concern. Apparently I was over reacting in saying that brakes were a vital piece of equipment and therefore it was 'safer' to have them checked.

Our marriage is crumbling but still not enough for me to find the courage to leave.:(

God didn't realized it was so long.

Someone recommended to write down the 'incidents' to have a memory of what is actually hapening and not 'forgetting'. I think I need that. Too much forgetting about for me.

hi dooin, there is def a kindle version of the living with the dominator book on amazon.

Did Hissy share some other links?

This one is my fav...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I expect she already shared it with you!

Do you have a link to another thread you were writing on to tell us your story?

I trust Hissy's judgement... and tbh if he just turns out to be an ignorant wanker, you don't need him love!!

tooscared welcome.

Don't worry about being scared, just keep posting and one day you'll be ready
x

Here's my other thread

I've a look through this one and read the links when I feel a bit less confused. Part of me is still sure that he can't be doing this on purpose, but then the other part of me thinks it makes too much sense for him not to be iyswim?

Tooscared, your new too. You be can my friend

MO - I don't have any bricks left to build a wall, I wish I did but I don't. I just want the world to stop for a long time. I am reeling, from one crisis to another. DS2 is due back tomorrow and I can't bear the thought of it starting again, and now I feel so guilty to be thinking like this. Om was a white knight, but then started falling apart so I was trying to hold him together as well. I've run out off all strength. sorry to those having a bad time as well and sorry I can't support you back.

Welcome tooscared and dooin. I'm glad there are some new ladies here beacause it means they will get some support and somewhere to vent BUT I am so bloody livid for them all

Dooin, I am the same. Part of me thinks he isn't doing that on purpose. That he is sruggling too and being hurt. That he has made such big efforts.

Then something comes up that shows how little he cares about our family and in particular the dcs (I don't think he has realized yet that it's not his behaviour towards me that is an issue but also his attitude towards the dcs).

My counsellor/mentor said in passing the other day that I was 'just not ready yet'. A lot of truth there so I spend all my energy in putting things right for me, being happy, seeing friends, enjoying my time with the dcs (something frowned upon in this household) until I will feel I am in a place safe enough to leave.

BTW, thank you for starting this thread. I stops me rom not acknoledging there is a major problem.

Hello Dooin I was reading your thread earlier, welcome! Read the thread and see what you think. If there's one thing I would say it's that you have to come to your own conclusions in your own time. Please, though, try not to compare yourselves with others here and think "Oh he's not as bad as X"
It's about you and the effects of his behaviour on you.

I will say though, that I definitely DO compare my relationship to people who are in healthy, non-abusive relationships, ie where there is trust, co-operation, respect and give-and-take. Where the relationship WORKS. That's my barometer. And it's what I want now.

TooScared glad you found us and thanks for posting! Long posts are absolutely fine by the way.
Believe me I know EXACTLY what you mean with the "comparatively acceptable" behaviour. X doesn't get physical anymore, doesn't call me awful names, But he is still obstructive, jealous, disrespectful and abusive and will never change, and it isn't acceptable anymore. I've started challenging his behaviour more and more and it's freaking him out.

I dont live with him now, but i did (pre DC) so I can empathise to a degree. Has he really changed or just learned to hide his behaviours? Better behaviour doesn't count for much if it isn't consistent and continues to make you feel stressed, undermined and fed-up.

Plus, you may simply have had enough. And if that's the case then that's the case. You can't restore what has been eroded away over time, namely your self-esteem your energy and your trust. Abuse wears us down and causes tremendous damage. Why should you just forget about it?

Please try not to beat yourself up over your situation - it is overwhelming and complex and you need to be kind to yourself to allow strength to build. And that's what we are here for.

dooin I had a look at the other thread.... I'm sorry chick but I think you do belong over here with us loverly ladies

hurryup your situation reminds me of a quote by Maya Angelou (I think)
"Beware of a naked man who offers you a shirt"
I'm glad, for your sake, OM is not draining your energy any more. He was the naked man, and not in a good way!
However, the way you rushed to help him when you had so much need of your own, means that you were also giving what you didn't have. And he shouldn't have bloody well demanded it of you!

Sending you hugs and a virtual <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=uncrate.com/p/2008/03/back-rescue-remedy.jpg&imgrefurl=uncrate.com/stuff/bach-rescue-remedy/&usg=__sfFtj0PMmFtO21bLyE5ko_HFnjo=&h=260&w=230&sz=19&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=9U1C6g4yeoXCEM:&tbnh=163&tbnw=144&ei=DXf6TdD_B4yr8APG4tCzCQ&prev=/search%3Fq%3Drescue%2Bremedy%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D932%26bih%3D473%26tbm%3Disch&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=156&vpy=93&dur=2279&hovh=208&hovw=184&tx=128&ty=84&page=1&ndsp=8&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&biw=932&bih=473" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">bit of help for tomorrow.

sorry, more advice needed. My gp today offered to sign me off work for 2 weeks, but am self employed so not a great option. Would it be better to have a break from this awful situation at work or just go back in on Monday and brazen it out? I feel such an idiot.

hurryup If there is a chance that 2 weeks off would give you a breathing space (ie if more crap didn't just pile into the space where work would be) and if you can afford it, then do it.

Sorry wanted to give you a quick reply. How would you use the two weeks?

Ahh - rescue remedy, I think I smell like I've had a glass of wine after that which is most of the time!! Don't know - try and catch up with house, paperwork and grieve for what could have been that wasn't

Hi all, I have been lurking for a while. My xh left in February, and it wasn't until he was gone that I realised he had been emotionally abusive to me. I thought I would be devastated but I wasn't. We have 3 kids together and of course he is being an idiot when he comes to see them and still trying to control me. But me and the kids are so much happier without him!

Welcome to the new ladies and courage to all.

A lot of posters are sounding overwhelmed - understandably! Be kind to yourselves, snatch those moments of distraction and relaxation that you can. You know that everything will work out at the pace that ends up being the right one for you.

hurryup of course you're drained and reeling; you're going through hell! You're dealing with so much at once, and it's difficult and exhausting, but your hard work now is setting the stage for a better future; please give yourself the recognition you deserve.

Dooin yep, putting your relationship into question all of a sudden is scary new territory.

Dooin and tooscared: is EA done on purpose? It's certainly entirely the choice and the responsibility of the abuser to say/do hurtful and cutting things. You can spend a lot of time trying to fathom the workings of the EA mind (and it's very educational), but ultimately it matters less how they work, and matters much more how their actions make you feel.

hurryup just saw your Q about 2 weeks leave now. Is work a helpful distraction for you from thinking about your personal difficulties, or do you feel that it is just something more for you to do that you cannot cope with at this time?

It was a distraction until today when rebound twat complained to my boss about me sending him a sod off email as I'd finally had enough of his games. I then had the embarassment of having to talk it through with boss and office manager so whilst it was a distraction, now I can't face it. I'm not sure if it would get worse the longer I leave it.

(addendum for hurryup: I took medical leave from work twice in the last 5 months, and I am very glad I took both, although neither were happy times.

The first was 2 weeks' leave which I used to escape to my sister's and make up my mind to leave stbxh. Distancing myself from the situation helped me know my own mind, although I did have to go through a scary decompression phase at first where all the trauma and exhaustion of the previous x number of abusive years caught up with me at once.

The second was a month of half-time work, 3 months into leaving stbxh, as was depressed and unable to cope anymore, including being unable to do my job properly. I was offered full-time leave but asked for half-time, as I wanted to keep that link to work as one of the few stable things in my life. I was much more productive at work as a result, and used the half-time "off" to do admin stuff relating to divorce and restraining order.

It may seem like an extreme measure, but time off is offered at times like these to help you cope better.

HTH)

Would you feel calmer away from rebound twat for a short while, and better able to bite the bullet of having to work with him after a break?

Or would it annoy you more to be running away, and temporarily at that?

On the subject of REBOUNDS and what to do AFTER YOU LEAVE -
The Beverly Engel book gets you to work on why you are in this relationship and also look at how this relationship has changed you. It's worth looking at because it may help prevent you going back to the same kind of person. Once you have dealt with those things I guess it would be unlikely you'd go back to your ex either.

God I hope I didn't make it sound too easy! (wishful thinking- I'm still living the lie)