Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Hope you're all ok this morning, how do you stop dwelling on everything? It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and is always I'm
my mind. As someone pointed out to me on here, I'm defining my worth by the men in it and I need to change that but can't. I just feel so ashamed, guilty and worthless from the moment I wake to the moment I finally manage go to sleep. Then when I wake in the night, it's still there in my mind. I've been such a fucking idiot.

Time is really the best healer, hurryup, and it moves at its own pace. You will be ruminating for a while yet, and that's normal: there's a lot to process!

If you can, try to do some therapy to help you with your self-esteem issues -- even if it's just self-analysis using books or on-line tools.

Other things that can relieve the mind are:

• exercise
• meditation
• the company of good people

Please try not to beat yourself up too much. You are not an idiot: you did what you could with the information and capacities you had at the time. And you did not abuse you; your P did. Just because you had weak defences against abuse does not mean he had to take advantage of them.

But you're right, low self-esteem really is the crux of it: it allows falling into bad relationships, and the mental anguish you inflict on yourself (I am exactly the same). So finding ways to address that, and allowing yourself to progress at your own pace in building self-esteem is the most positive thing to do, IMO.

Be kind to yourself, and congratulate yourself on the little wins during the day......One breath at a time, one step at a time you will start to feel better.

If you are not doing it already, ask your GP about counselling. If nothing else it will give you a safe space to just let it all out.

I am sorry you are feeling bad...

Having one of those kind of days where I sit and wonder is this all my life is now? To be having shouty arguments at 6am because DH is treating me like a piece of poo stuck to the bottom of his shoe. So that's how my DC talk to me too.
I just want to run away somewhere and sleep and hide.
Not a good start to a Friday :(

OmgWHI,..sending you hug because, oh do I remember those morning rages well, they are awful.

I can't say anything useful, except living without them is easier than living with them.

Sorry you're having a bad day, omgwhathaveidone. Of course you feel down when you're being treated badly.

Your life won't be like this forever, since you know now that it's not what you want. You'll find the ways you need to change it for the better.

I know what I need to do. I know I need to get out but it's going to take time. Am seeing a counsellor and she's v good but it's a slow process and I still keep thinking maybe I just expect too much, maybe I'm not worth more. But I should be able to have a shower at 5.45 and not have to go downstairs to look for something he can't find. Because he's shouting his head off in the garden at my DC telling them to go and get me because I've put x away in the wrong place. We live in a really nice quiet area and nobody is blooming awake at that time so why does he think it's ok to shout? Apparently it's his garden and he can do what the hell he likes :S
Fairly sure if we had a live in maid (I wish!!!) she wouldn't have to stand dripping wet in the kitchen listening to someone shout at her.

Yes. No-one - not a maid, not you - should have to do that. No-one.

It's OK for the process to be slow.

You are worth all the respect that any human being deserves.

Omg, so sorry you're having a bad morning. I remember those mornings and it's just horrid. Maybe visit a friend or have a nice coffee after school run? Or have you got toddlers - look after yourself .

Omg - I have a nanny for the children when I work. If I did that to her she'd sue me and leave. Quite rightly so. And she's the loveliest girl imaginable.

Its something he does because he knows it winds me up, the shouting I mean. I just think it's rude, I would hate living next door to someone like that. He shouts all the time lately in the house with all the windows open, music blaring. God that makes me sound old but I just don't understand it. I shout at my DCs sometimes I'm not perfect but it's a one off line (go and tidy your room, stop hitting your sister that kind of thing) he has these whole shouty tirades directed at me and the DC.
Apparently after I'd gone back upstairs this am he told my 9 year old off for always sticking up for mummy, never being on his side. Then flounced off to work early rather than helping her with the homework he'd promised to. What kind of man does that?
Hurryup seems all my friends are back to work these days, I'm spending way too much time in my own at the moment. My youngest is at nursery.

Shame I can't sue him!!! I've done 20 years in this job and I still don't do it well enough apparently :(

I think you should resign, some bosses have unreasonably high expectations.
You could have my job, my rebound twat told a sob story to the girls in the office that I'd sent him an email telling him what I thought of him. They then told my boss, who asked twat to see the email and he showed him!! Boss then told me that rebound twat doesn't want to be my friend and I need to stop hassling him I thought the office girls were my friends, they know what I've been through. Now I'm trying to decide whether to resign or brazen it out. I'm such an idiot. The awful thing is , I was so pleased at having sent the email telling him what I thought of him. It seemed like a step forward and now everyone knows and I want to run away. Luckily I dont work today.

hurryup try to rise above the office twattery and embarrassment. Hard to do when you've got so much else on, I know. But you've got to keep your level-headedness and sanity.

Rebound man is blaming you, publicly. That's a dick move, but you can't help that. Some people, such as office girls, have chosen to believe him. That's a shame, but again you can't help that. Your boss just wants to keep the peace. He doesn't know the whole story, but telling him could only damage you more. He is unlikely to be judging you personally, just wants the office to hum along nicely, since it's his job to ensure that.

You don't have to convince everyone and win over the world to your side. That would be impossible anyway. Just locate your own inner conviction that you are a good person to whom shit is happening, and that you are doing the best you can. What other people think of you is their own affair; try not to let it affect you. You have plenty enough to be getting on with.

Much compassion being sent your way from me, though!

I just want to name check BitchyHen! You got him OUT? well done love! so glad you can feel the benefits of it all.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? it's really good and does help you to see that it's not your fault, and also gives some idea on how to manage these abusive men.

Dooin I'm glad you made it. No one is telling you to organise the removals van, these things take time, you have had an almighty shock this week, and you need time to process it all and calmly reflect and see where you are. You need to go through the motions of trying to negotiate with him, for him to treat you with some respect, even though it'll never happen, it's something you need to see for yourself.

All you can do now is to fight to maintain status quo, no more pets, kids, commitments. Just put as much as you can on ice, and observe, observe observe. The scales have just fallen from your eyes, the best thing is not to let on what you have discovered, and just start watching his reaction as you start to say No, and that's not going to work for me to this, that and the other.

OMG, you need to lower your voice, to almost a whisper in reply to his shouts, you need to be ice cold calm and in a very quiet voice state to him that Shouting at you in your home is unacceptable and if he wishes to shout, he can go off and do it elsewhere.

Sit him down today and tell him that if he shouts at you like that again, ever, at 5.45am, that you will insist he moves out to a hotel. Be serious, mean it, make sure he know you mean it.

Tell him if he were your boss, that you would walk out and wouldn't even go back for your wages! (I've used that line LOADS of times!) Refuse to engage with him, leave the room, go out. If he calls you up and harangues you. Hang up.

oh and OMG, don't you EVER get out of a shower mid-flow again! No-one has that right. He can wait 10m. Lock the door, get a radio playing and plead deafness.

Get all passive aggressive on his arse.

P.S. Someone else asked a few days ago but I don't think anyone commented... Anyone heard from ViVee lately? I'm worried...

Hurry up - do you feel better in a way knowing what a complete twat he is now. It's not nice tho particularly if you thought people in office were your friends. I think I would've tempted to take the time off but will it be harder then to go back? Really feel for you. Can't believe he would involve others what a total tosser.

Oh I don't shout back, haven't for months. Makes him even crosser. I wish he would move out for even a while. He won't, I've asked. The thing was I could hear him from upstairs in the shower, water going, that's how loud he was shouting. He knows I find it unacceptable, he doesn't care. He doesn't care full stop. Have had the shittiest week ever and he moaned at me last night for being so miserable. All I want is for him to put his arms round me and say how can I help? Just so I feel there is a point to me doing this job.
I can't leave for a while with DC and no way can I leave them with him so I'm stuck in this job. And I hate it!!!

OMG, you do realise what he's doing there? You don't get to have any me-time, you even have to come out of the shower at his beck and call; and you worry about the neighbours being disturbed at an early hour, which he knows. The neighbours are more likely to think "Oh those noisy people at no x are shouting at each other again" rather than "There is that horrible man at no x shouting at his poor wife again", and if anyone calls the police around they will come during the day when you have to deal with it, while the real culprit is safely hiding at work. He knows all this. He is doing it on purpose to upset and humiliate you. He really could not give a shit about the neighbours' feelings. And he is unforgiveably horrid to your 9-year-old. He has to go. Bastard.

omg, you know he's not going to do the comforting thing, you know that is not going to happen.

You don't have to live like this. get some legal advice/CAB, and find out what's what. the shouting at you at 5.45 is abuse, it's serious! Perhaps look into getting a divorce thingy drawn up and a Notification of Removal (or whatever they call it) would help. That'd make him sit up and take notice! Remember you don't have to go through with it all the way, you could drop it all/put it on ice, if he suddenly gets a lasting personality transplant....

IMHO, He's not going to take you seriously, I wish he would, but these blokes don't! Our feelings/opinions etc don't figure at all in their worlds.

Go on strike until he leaves. tell him you have quit! that you are a human being and until he treats you as such, he no longer figures in your household. washing, ironing, food, the lot! You have to make a stand, you don't allow him to bellow at you and get away with it. there have to be consequences.

Good one Annie, I agree with you entirely.

OMG The trouble is everyone seems to think its me thats the twat!! It feels as if he's totally humiliated me and he has manipulated me into this situation. I've emailed my boss and said that I will give it a few months but if things haven't improved I will resign and much as I'd love some time off, it would make it harder to return. It would also feel as if he's won. The best bit about H not being here anymore is the lack of shouting, I hated every minute of it although at the moment when my resolve is so weak, it feels like it was better than this and all I was worth. However, the children deserve more which is why I left. Is there no way he'd move out, even if it was with a view to improving things? My relationship with x has become must easier since he moved out or maybe thats because I'm becoming weaker.

I don't think the neighbours would think like that though Annie! If I were woken up before 6am by some twat shouting, it'd be HIM I'd be livid at!

omg, if everyone knew the real story of what you go through day in and day out, they would ALL be horrified and would back YOU every single time.

I wonder if it's worth doing a lie (like they do to us) and say that the neighbour came round and said that they were really sorry that YOU omg, had to put up with all that, and that they felt dreadfully sorry that you had to live with a man as clearly awful as that, that the whole neighbourhood was talking about him and wondering if you were all right etc....but also if there was anything you could do to stop him from waking the neighbourhood, because calling the Police seems a little excessive, that that if needs must....

hurryup. stop. you are not a twat and you know it.

you know what? all this is because you have lived with an arsehole who tried to make you feel humiliated your entire relationship.

You know you have not behaved badly in any of this. so Fuck em! who cares what anyone thinks? Not one of them have walked in your shoes, so none of them are qualified to comment.

If it helps you, look for somewhere else to work as a back up, so that you feel you are doing something, but otherwise, who fucking cares what anyone thinks of you? seriously?

You are getting on better with your X because there are boundaries and you are less stressed by his volatility every day. Stop doing yourself down. be your own best friend? please?