Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Peep, now I understand, it is emotional abuse and I think like most EA its purpose is to control.

Control, Control, Control.

My tale is not that intriguing, and like so many people, each incident, in itself or alone, is not that major - I've never been headbutted, never been called a bitch either come to think of it.

But the tempers,
the shoutings,
the surprise moods,
the sulking when things are not the way he wants,
the distancing from friends,
the lack of interest in the dc's( his beautiful, loving 3 children),
the comments about how he earns all the money and I don't,

the criticism,
the negativity,
the old feelings I used to have that I'd "said the wrong thing",
the old feelings of "walking on eggshells",
the old feelings that if only I could "manage" him better....
the list goes on... and on...
and now I know that this is not a normal relationship.

Peeptoes - yes I have that feeling that I can't believe it's happened to me but then I look at myself and my shockingly low opinion of myself and then I'm not at all surprised. I asked h to leave 3 months ago now, it's getting harder by the day at the moment but I'm hopeful that it will improve. My h called my dc all sorts of names, twat, shit, etc but only when 'stressed' so we all carried on and swept it under the carpet. No more though. By the way, I'm a gp as well.

Hi hurry,

I'm also surprised that I'm a victim but in my case because I've actually got an ok opinion of myself...I mean my self-esteem is good, always has been, but I'm totally non-confrontational.

I grew up in a stable respectful family. I had never, ever been bullied. I was so unprepared for it in my marriage that I didn't even recognise it. I started by excusing him, being tolerant, forgiving, then I saw it as a challenge to "manage" this volatile guy who wasn't always like that. Trouble is, my strength has been my weakness in a way because it's kept me here. And then there's the good parts, the calm bits of the cycle. And maybe I'm not that strong after all.

One day, a few years ago, (yes it took that long) I had a lightbulb moment. I can still remember looking down at the kitchen countertop with him sitting at the table, and I thought "you know what? I don't actually care what you think. I don't actually value or respect your opinion".

It's so good to be able to post here...to be able to ramble on and to know that you lot understand. That it doesn't have to be put in context, because you lot already know the context.

I love the Teddy Bear stuff. I'm a Teddy. Or I was.

peep I don't know what to say. That's horrific. It's horrific because it is so like my situation. Stbex is not a 'drinker' well he is but doesn't go out on benders. I am terrified when he drinks alot, which doesn't happen in my presence any more because I don't know how he'll turn.
He blames any aggression on me, saying he is just matching my behaviour!!! He has called me terrible names infront of the children. If he starts now I stick my fingers in my ears. He matches round the hose after me ranting but i can't hear a word. This drives him mad and he then says i am being completely unreasonable by refusing to talk to him.
I spent years and years believing that i was the broken bad person who was causing all his misery if only I could stop doing x, y and z then it would better. if he complained that I was still doing stuff I would get so upset and would weep "but I'm trying so hard and it's not good enough"
He would tell me I had come such a long way and was making good progress and I LIKED to hear that FFS.
He became the substitute for my narc mother for whom I could never quite do enough.
I went my gp last week to get AD's and ask for counselling. I don't know how long it takes to get a counsellor. She said I was 'high priority' but I haven't heard anything yet.Th prozac is fab but it gives me stomach ache. I hope these side effects wear off soon.

I had that implication that somebody else had to tell me what to think too. Of course he didn't mind as long as it was him telling me what to think, but if it was anyone else he was quite upset. He would tell me I was gullible, and a doormat. Favourite line if I complained about anything at all: "You've been talking to your sister again, haven't you?"

I used to think he couldn't know me very well if he thought those things about me, as I come over as cynical and strong; but then I realised, and very embarrassing it was, that I had been his doormat, I had believed his lies, for years. So actually he was right.

I, too, thought it was a matter of managing him/our relationship, pleased with myself when it seemed to be working, worried about what I was doing wrong when it wasn't. Believing I really had said something insensitive or ridden rough-shod over his reasonable wishes. So concerned that I wasn't making him happy. But you can't make somebody happy who prefers to wallow in misery. You can't watch your tongue so carefully as never to cause offence when someone is looking out for an excuse to be offended. You can't make a stable environment with someone who likes to keep you on the back foot.

Ironically, these days, when he gets the opportunity, he tells me I did make him happy. Maybe he shouldn't have spent so much time pretending to be miserable then.

Oh btw PeepToes: you do realise that when he tells you it will be destabilizing for your DCs to leave him, it's a case of "he would say that, wouldn't he"? It's the one argument no concerned mother can resist, but it's not necessarily true just because he said it. And then he yells insults at them. Who, precisely, is having a bad effect on the DCs here? Who is making them feel unsafe? If change was necessarily a bad thing for children we'd never move house, never send them to a new school, never even go on holiday. Some changes have to be made. It's how you manage the change that determines whether the children are badly affected.

^"If I leave again, I will be moving over an hour away by car. This is, I think, my H's biggest fear - that I will take the kids away from our town. I would do this as all my family are up North, so that's where my main support network is. I would struggle to do it where I live now, as I have no real local friends or family. Also it is a lot cheaper to rent a house away from the "big smoke" as they say.

Is this selfish?"^

No.

peeptoes I left the first time in 2006, but went straight back, then I left again in June 2008, he attempted suicide so I felt sorry for him and went back. I left again in November 2010. I wanted to give it one last try, so I went back, despite him thinking he had made huge changes etc etc, I left again 23rd December 2010 at 3.30pm... And did not go back and would not even contemplate going back.

Your H is wrong to judge you for re-reading your diary... You need to remind yourself of what he's actually like otherwise once he starts in the nice phase, you will get sucked back in time after time.

Who cares if you're a gp and you have to live in a grotty flat?? I am a qualified teacher and I left thinking that I would have to get a job immediately to make ends meet. It's such a relief to know that I qualified for help. I had no money at all when I left, my parents paid the deposit on this house that I am renting and the first few mobnths rent. I claimed housing benefit and paid them back. I am on income support, housing benefit, council tax benefit etc etc.

When I think about it, I am devastated, if you had asked my 10 years ago what my life should be like, it was nothing like this. I should have been sucessful in my career, I had my own flat but he persuaded me to sell it, I had a new car which is now long gone... I wanted to have a loving partner and hopefully some kids. But now what ahve I got? 3 kids, a father who doesn't give a shit about them, no money, a rented house, no job etc etc... But I do have my self respect and my future and our happiness is now in my hands.

Stay strong peeptoes. When the time is right you will be strong enough to leave.

Have you got a domestic abuse worker? If not then get yourself one. Don't be ashamed because of your background as a gp. The support worker I have has a huge clientelle including the wives of university professors who are in exactly the same boat as you, me and everybody else.

Try to prepare yourself to leave, so that once the time is right, you can do it and make a clean break.

In the mean time, be kind to yourself and keep yourself and your kids safe
x

Thanks so much everyone - I have spent an age looking through the whole thread to catch up with everyones stories, and now I am weeping - the stories are so sad, and reading other's tales and seeing how similar they are to mine, and how repulsed I was by them, makes me realise just how bad things are.

You are so right. It's just when things are sort of normal, I forget what happened. It sort of minimises things, and when I feel trapped or stressed and want to get away, I feel guilty.

I agree - who cares where you live and by what means, as long as you are safe.

When I left before Xmas, I felt elated. I had the best Xmas ever.

Why did I go back? Sooo angry at myself.

Also how do you do the private browsing thing? I have Google chrome as a browser, but could use another. I'm fed up deleting my history every time I log off. My H has taken to checking my text messages etc.

Sussed out the private browsing - there is an "incognito new tab" bit in the tools of Google chrome.

Hey new girls - glad to have you here, though sad you need to be here if you know what I mean!

Peep, you have a flat, it's waiting for you. You can't have him call your DS a shithouse fgs, you can't allow that, not from anyone. Use THIS as your catalyst. Hang on to it for grim death, don't let go.

I did this with the statement my X used to try to break up my only friendship (at the time) that I'd been in a mental institute for 5 years. Anytime and every time he tried to brush stuff under the carpet and say I was being silly, over reacting, I'd remind him. "You told my best friend's husband that I was a in a mental hospital. For 5 years." No I won't sleep with you. Why would you want to sleep with a card carrying loon? No, I'm not moving house with you, No I don't care you have a cold. I don't want you here, I want you out of my life.

He STILL thinks we are together. he is seriously deluded.

Peep, please just bundle your babes up and go. they are the perfect age for moving, OK so the school thing may be hard, but only for a while and it'll be fine. Army/RAF kids do this every other year! You can still get DS to see his old friends from the old school while he still needs to.

I promise you that the cuddled to sleep thing is part of the insecurity of all of this. My DS (5.5) had a Poo issue - now gone, not had any holding-in of poo or accidents since a week or so after X left.

Be bold, do this for your DC, they need you to protect them and yourself from this character.

When you read Lundy Bancroft, you will see none of this is your fault, and none of this can ever be fixed by you. Please let yourself off this guilt trip, it's a situation that has nothing to do with you, really, you are just caught up in his disfunctional world, your dear kiddies too.

seriouslynow this rings so true and I suggest it's why most of us put up with EA for so long. "my strength has been my weakness" you wrote in your post.

The stronger you are, the deeper you get - sympathising with the abuser. And you don't need to many calm periods to keep going because it always gives you hope. But then you get older and you're suddenly not so strong any more.

Where are you now seriously? Still together?

peep - I agree with Herhissy - just bundle them up and go. If I knew then (when they were little) what I know now I would have done just that.

I think of how many happy day trips we could have had, as opposed to the ones where there were arguments about every tiny thing. I think of the happy holidays we could have had, instead of the ones where he sleeps in til 12 and then we don't get to do anything cos it's siesta time. I think of all the people I have met - and he has been rude to so that they don't get close.

And I'm still with this man because I have finally got the house just how I like it, the kids are settled at school, my Mum is local and needs looking after, I've got no possibility of a well-paying job, he has bought loads of TAT over the years which is muddling up our space. I know there is a way out of this for me, but believe me for you it will be so much easier.

Feeling very low right now, work has got worse as om has complained to my boss about me emailing him!! I'm so cross as today I sent him a sod off email in response to a telephone conversation and he complained about it. Then I was going to follow the excellent advice on here of "fake it till you make it" - now I feel like some sort of stalker and he basically manipulated me into that position. My boss was lovely, said forget it and move on and rebuild or working relationship but I feel so ashamed of what I've become I don't feel I can go in to work anymore. Ds1 said tonight that things were better when H lived with us and so now I'm hoping that maybe he has changed. Nothing seems to get easier.

hurryup sorry you are feeling low BUT really glad that your boss - who you really need to be on your side - seems not to be intent on winding you up like OM.
Can you step outside the situation for a bit? Watch a DVD? Talk nonsense with a friend?
Can you ask your DS1 what he means by things being better when your H was there? Does he just miss your H or is it something else? Hideous though it, it's good that he can be honest with you. Our kids need to be able to talk to us (I think anyway) as bottling stuff up just leads to trouble further down the line.

ribbonsandlace - I bet he doesn't like you talking! Cant think why Good for you!
peep In our situation I think that realising how bad it is, is, well, no bad thing! So while it's upsetting, it also hopefully acts as the catalyst for further action/revelations.

Hope I am not irritating everyone with my Pollyanna take on things - feeling quite optimistic today. Not about X, he will never change, but happy that I dont seem to have abandoned my damning verdict of him the minute I get needy/premenstrual/stressed.

MO - glad you're feeling optimistic . He was on my side but didn't seem to appreciate how much I'd be pushed into a corner as naively I didn't keep any emails or conversations. I'm so embarassed though and feel like resigning. If I was still with H, I wouldn't have to work. Ds1 said that I was happier, ds2 wasn't violent and everyone was normal. But when I think about the arguments, him calling me names and controlling me, putting me down and hitting me or throwing things at me, calling the kids names and arguments spoiling memories of christmas, birthdays, holidays and days out I just feel so sad and hate myself for messing up their lives so much. If I told them he was moving back in, they'd be delighted but what if the abuse starts again? How much worse would it be if he leaves a second time?

hurryup? who is OM? I missed something somewhere - does this mean an Other Man situation?

I know how sometimes it kind of helps as a lever to get you through and out of a truly shit relationship, but seriously, if this is an OM, and you have your H to contend with AND your DS? Tbh, you have taken on too much.

STOP. Take a breath. In and out, again and again until you find some calm.

Then look at these men in your life, and see what they add to it. If they don't add, only detract then you need to step back. Cut contact with the OM to the bare minimum. He has clearly sent a message loud and clear that you need to back off.

Cut contact with the XH to all but bear minimum, can you get someone else to be there for access visits? just until you are stronger?

Focus entirely on your DC, they are acting out and they need your constant reassurance that while violence/aggression against you is not acceptable that they are your DC and will always be. You need to explain really clearly about how H treated you and how it is not, never was and never will be acceptable, and be honest with him. If he's old enough to emulate an abuser, he's old enough to hear it.

hurry, your H is not moving back in. he can never move back in. the abuse WILL start again, without fail and it'll be harder to get out the next time.

Now is the time to be VERY strong for your boys to teach/tell them that abuse is unacceptable and has no part in our lives. The treatment you lived under was cruel and destroyed you. All of this doesn't mean that Daddy doesn't love them, but it does mean that Daddy is not allowed to live with you, because of his behaviour.

FWIW, when my dad left (affair) our life got a lot worse eventually, we lost the golden edged life we had and a lot of the trappings of a self-made man's family. The OW got it all, god bless her, no wonder she did everything she could to drive a wedge between Dad and us. Worked too, but that is HIS failing.

In time, the DC will see their mum happy, laughing and relaxed with them, paying attention to their needs, not worrying about what H is going to kick off about. In time they will see, but it's hard now, because all they see is material shite, not the stuff that is really important.

Sorry, I'll shut up in a mo!

Hurryup - you need to enlist the DC help to help DC2 stop the violence. It's the only very small change anyone ever has of stopping an abuser is for the entire family to unite and make it clear that violence/aggression is not permissible.

Your X created this monster, but only the family altogether (and not XH) can save your DS2. he needs to know he's worth all that effort. we can't have him growing up to abuse his partners, his kids, cos that is the way he is headed!

Hi all, wishing strength to those having a rough or low week.

My ex received a double whammy of the divorce petition and notification that I am applying for a Leave to Remove order....needless to say they were not well received. I am very, very tired...I don't much to add just lurking and thought I would say hi.

OM was a rebound relationship, he used me appallingly and it ended 4 weeks ago when having promised me the moon and stars, he suddenly decided overnight that he wanted his ex back. I'm just trying to contend with how abusive he was and the fact that I let him do it.

OK, but again, this was not your fault, you were not to blame for this, really. that OM chose to treat you like that.

He doesn't deserve to hold any space in your life. You need to rise above him, along the lines of, I have seen off bigger bastards than you, you are nothing! and just carry on.

Think Swan-like! calm exterior, even if everything underneath is going like the clappers!

hugs snowmama, you know you are doing the right thing, they don't grant those things on a whim, you know you have every right to live in peace.

soon it'll be over. stay safe, the merest whiff of attitude, call the police? please?