Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

STBX has been in nice mode for weeks now, I knew it would end sooner or later. He got totally drunk last night at a party we were invited to and made an absolute show of us. He even called me a c* twice. He was intent on rowing with another bloke that was there too (also drunk) I was mortified and I told him twice he was getting too drunk which of course wasn't met with anything only abuse in return. Then he accused me of being drunk!, when I was just sitting there shaking my head at him in despair wanting to go home, but not at the same time because I knew it would be just me and him and the dcs once the babysitter was gone. Well I went straight to bed when I got home and he was down stairs ranting and actually slammed the kitchen door so hard I thought the glass would break. One of the DCs mentioned the bang this morning and as usual I covered up for the noise.
A few days ago he got drunk on 3bottles of wine and started screaming down stairs. He said it was over what happened to his daughter. It was a bit scary as he was so irrational. I had to go back to bed because I couldnt' deal with him.He's still in bed now.
And back into the cycle I stupidly plodded

Madame Ovary your last post was great. Thanks for it.

It's all a bit different here at the moment. A new phase we've never had before :S
I am in a very bad place emotionally, can't eat/sleep and not functioning well at all. And DH is freaking out big time. He keeps asking me what's wrong, virtually force-feeding me, staring at me all the time. But it's not like straightforward concern, it's like he's shit-scared that I'm losing it. He's even suggested he comes home early so I can go out with friends for dinner - rather than throwing a strop and guilt trip if I ask to do so.
I'm sitting here thinking maybe he's not so bad after all, but I know he is.Not to the extent of some posters in here but if things were good I wouldn't have been so miserable for years!

Breakfree you knew it was coming, you were right, however:
Just because we start to recognise and acknowledge the cycle, doesn't mean it's suddenly easier to leave. It makes no sense to leave before you are ready, esp. when DC's are involved.

Consider all the steps involved in moving house or even breaking up under ordinary (non-abusive) circumstances, where choice and mutual agreed decisions are involved. Now add all the factors of an abusive relationship.

So there is nothing stupid about acknowledging the cycle. Be angry with him by all means, that's good, but save the kindness and empathy for you.

omg you are under extreme stress and your DH probably IS scared for your mental health, but scared for himself, not you. Otherwise he would be taking care of you in a much more hands-on way, let alone not treating you like dirt in the first place!

Can you take him up on the offer, meekly saying "Maybe you're right" and get out for a bit?

omg Meant to add, your DH offering you the chance to go out is sadly just a crumb he is throwing you. This is how he should be all normally. This type of action, and the way you have responded, thinking he is not so bad after all, reminds me of the theory of small kindness perception.
This was a revelelation when I read about it. Does it ring any bells perhaps?

So sorry for all my typos and terrible grammar

MadameOvary - yes that link helps :) I can't help thinking that if he was tired and not sleeping then I would let him have a lie in? If he was obviously struggling with eating I would make him a nice snack not stand over him with a plate of biscuits telling him how awful and skinny he looked? It's concern but not done the normal way.
And I will go out, I know I'll be made to feel guilty after but it'll be worth it. Hideously stressful week coming up so I will need all the downtime I can get!

Oh yes it rings bells with me. I think that is one of the reasons I stayed so long. The real reason I stayed is because I wanted more children and I wanted then to have the same father.

can relate to this - when I am very down and upset and tired and say that i want a lie in the next morning, if it's the weekend, he will wake me at 7 all over me wanting sex because "he loves me". No, if you loved me you would have let me sleep, taken DS out, made me breakfast etc.
He resents it when I say I need more space, and just hovers more closely and becomes more clingy. Am meeting a new friend on Thursday after work - still on, so far, - and he knows about it but still keeps saying "where are you meeting her?" "what time will you be home?" etc. Because he "cares"
I have to mentally and emotionally fight with myself to carve out times with friends, to justify it, IYSWIM.

tinker - I hope you are OK - I hope you have contacted Womensaid and also your local council social services /domestic violence service. You have been driven from your home - they may be able to put in an emergency exclusion order and have him removed.

oh its all so tiring... i am constantly being told he is leaving, fed up of me blah blah cos i am such a bitch ruined his life etc etc blah blah and then its " but i do love you " blah blah but at least he is aware that something has to change for all our sakes .....an opportunity might be coming up for a new (part time) job which would be great but it also means moving back to uk (something we have been considering anyway so ds can go to school there) renting new house , sorting out childcare, leaving the very few friends i have behind and i just dont know if i have the strength for all of that... but then IF this job does happen .. wont know till end august...then it would be the perfect chance for change. Very hard to talk to bf about this as he cannot cope with change of any kind and instantly gets stressed and angry.. not helped by the fact we are under extreme financial pressure.. we are both out of work.. and i'm not saying if i move it will be with him either... everything so up in the air at the mo... gawd !!

montbazens - sounds like you need time to yourself. I read between your lines that you do want a fresh start. Making new friends is easy when you have DCs at school, don't worry about that, and you never really lose old friends.

bibi, mountbazens and herhissy - on the subject of why we end up there in every relationship - here are some statistics from womensaid:

"? Repeat victimisation is common. 44% are victimised more than once,
and almost one in five (18%) are victimised three or more times."

Does anyone remember when this statistic was interpreted as 'yeah but that's the way they like it, those kind of women'! ?? I even remember believing it (back in the 80s). Looking back it is OBSCENE that society actually believed that abuse is something that women actually want.

Beverly Engel in her book "the emotionally abusive relationship" goes into the discussion about being a victim. She says it is important to analyse who you are before you go into the next relationship.

In my case, I have always been an "enabler" (still am) - just my personality, upbringing - nothing extreme. But when you are young you don't really view yourself objectively - you are who you are. Abusers also probably don't look at themselves either, but your personality fits in perfectly with theirs - you give, they take. And so it continues - you doing what is comfortable to you, they doing what is comfortable to them. Over time the balance tips over and you can't give any more. And that's when they try and give you some 'bait' to keep you going because they can't bare to have this situation undermined.

Good post barbie
IMHO there is usually some prior conditioning in our childhood/family that predisposes us to stay and work it out, be sympathetic and actually feel comfortable and "needed", helping someone with their problems, rather than running in the opposite direction.

Almost as if the horror of being called selfish, or feeling selfish is worse than anything that could happen if we carry on in the relationship.

For example, X and I both had ill mothers in our mid-teens for whom we were expected to do our bit, with no emotional support and no real understanding of what was going on. His situation was worse than mine,(at least my Dad was around) and he grew up confusing duty, love and resentment. He didnt know how to say "No" instead he would do it and shore up the resentment. I really do think he is emotionally stunted that way and the damage runs deep, hence his inability to change.

Saying that, there are plenty of women who enter into abusive relationships without that sort of background, because they believe that the OH is decent kind and caring, which they are until you are sufficiently emotionally invested in the relationship, then the mask slips.

Tinker - could you please let us know you are ok, if you can? We are worried about you

Just realised my last post sounds very 'oh goody for me' - meant to say I'd put it to show some of the more surprising benefits of getting out of an unhappy relationship

"'yeah but that's the way they like it, those kind of women'! ?? "

That strikes a chord too - in fact one of the men I'd been in a relationship with for the best part of seven years and who used to be physically violent would frequently tell me that the reason I was still with him was because I liked that kind of treatment'

He really made a show of (supposedly) being utterly surprised when I said I was leaving him.

"And that's when they try and give you some 'bait' to keep you going because they can't bare to have this situation undermined"

I've just realised that the last point was especially true in my last relationship. The sudden ability to do his fair share of cooking meals/food shopping/washing etc.

Only for it all to be dropped the minute he thought I'd climbed back in my box.

Arrrgh - and the way he then afterwards demanded I 'give him credit for all that he does'

No apologising for yourself on this thread, Bibi! Especially not for what was a great post.

Thanks MeAndMyPuppy - not that I was fishing for compliments :)

Great thread this, very educational!!!

Agree Bibi - nothing wrong with saying how happy you are to have got out.
Enjoy!
Barbie That's where X and I are at nnow. He is wondering what to do to get me back, but I'm past the point where I think I could do it anymore.

OK, booked into group for next week. am ignoring that it's in my village. Purposely didn't ask how many go.

Lady seems really nice, told me to call if I wobble in the meantime!

ha ha, but little does she know, I have YOU lot for my wobbles!

Bibi - this thread is as much for us to off load our woes as for us to sing our own praises!

In an abusive relationship we pretty much cease to exist, we lose the right to our own emotions, and certainly never are allowed to show off

I think some of us were busy the last time I set a challenge...
to describe ourselves as we used to be before all of this, things we are most proud of, achievements.

I think it's about time we remind ourselves of what we can do, of how good we are at many, many things.

Parenthood is so subjective, and DC have a funny way of making us feel as if we are never doing enough, but we ARE, we really are!

By working so hard to get out of these dreadful situations, we are also doing the very best that we can to make a better life for US and for them.

We have been down-trodden for so long, either by our life, upbringing or by our abusive partners, now it's time for us to rise back up.

So we WILL have singing our praises, we WILL have back slapping and tons of well dones, and we will be proud of the decisions we are making today, tomorrow or whenver that will give us our lives back, our happiness, hope and future.

excuse a couple of dropped letters etc there...

Here is Maya Angelou - it was posted on the Soul Food thread, but could do with a reprise here...

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Oh and while we are at it.... she also wrote this:

Maya Angelou - I know why the caged bird sings
A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

That's quite chilling, Hissy. The caged bird.

I have been plotting to paint my internet landscape with I Rise the day my divorce comes through.

Isn't it? but it - to me - shows the other side of our prison, the rage we know that is there sometimes, it's this we feel sometimes when we are close to getting out.

It also - to me - says even the caged bird has hope, as it sings of freedom, something it doesn't even fully understand itself.

Hissy Your challenge was one I preferred to avoid, because while the old me (ie the younger me ) was "free", I was also a mess and didn't like myself very much.
However, the one thing I have always done, is written things down. I have written a play and seen it performed. I have written some poems too, which were due to be published later in the year, but since X is involved in that process, I'm not so sure it will happen. And I dont really care tbh.