Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad about this.

I think that the key thing that stands out to me here - is why you felt unable to say no. Were you frightened by him? Do you feel like this was more of an attack than consensual?

I'm sorry I am not experienced in this area, however, I think if you understand what actually happened you might be able to figure out what to do next.

Ugh, he sounds like a total bell-end. Ignore him every time you see him from now on.

next time you see him tell him it was a big mistake and you didn't think he was very good. Use the best defence is attack rule here.

Hes got a partner so don't think he will be shouting it from the rooftops

Don't beat yourself up over it. It may have been good, it wasn't so you won't do it again

Hope you used cling wrap...

Oh poor you.

Sometimes in a really bizarre way we kind of go along with things almost out of disbelief and fascination that they are happening.

Why not just write it off but absolutely don't do it again.

And don't go and get hold ups. dear lord.

Dont beat yourself up about it.

quietly I didn't think it was contradictory?

i once had regrettable sex. someone i had a crush on that turned out to be a total knob who left once we'd 'done it' to go and see another conquest. with the suggestion of a friend when he suggested we hook up again i said something like "thanks but the chemistry just wasn't there for me".

suitably withering :)

Oh bless you. How awful. I think you have got to stand firm tomorrow and say absolutely no! Is there a friend you can arrange to walk up to school with so that you are not on your own?

Don't beat yourself up over it too much...

Yuk, I feel awful. I wasn't physically intimidated, but I felt like he was pretty determined once over the threshold. I did't say no or stop or anything. I realised once we started kissing that I wasn't feeling turned on, but I just went through with it anyway. It was all over in a few minutes.

I don't want to face him. No way am I up for a repeat.

we've all done something we regret. Hold your head up high and resolve not to repeat the episode - unless you want to!

No one knows and he has a lot to protect so no one need find out.

Don't do what I did - I get hopelessly drunk at a works leaving party, someone at work took advantage of my state and told me he had fallen in love with me. He kissed goodnight and he did it so tenderly, we ended up snogging in front of our colleagues. he really wasn't my type and i came to my senses and pushed him away but not early enough. I couldn't go to work the next day through shame and I actually couldn't face him. I used to catch him staring at me across the office and other people noticed too. I found another job and left the company because I couldn't stand it. He actually was the father of four with a new baby and I felt such shame about that. Anyway, put your morning down to an experience and hold your head high. Lucky you!!

Did he wear a condom OP?

Next time you see him tell him it was a mistake that will never be repeated. Then ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't even make eye contact.

Do you have low self esteem? Feel sad for you that you just went along with it instead of kicking him out.

We all make mistakes, and he sounds like a total letch. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Sorry H20, he sounds like a pig.

In your shoes, I would be getting down to the Drs and making sure I wasn't pregnant or caught an STI.

Please don't take that the wrong way - but it would be practical/sensible.

Just smile, say "Look things got a bit carried away; having done it, you're not really my type, so let's put it behind us."

You're not wrong for having had sex for goodness' sake; it's wrong you felt you couldn't say no, and tbh you were bit daft "inviting him in for coffee" when you don't know him. I don't know about now, but 30 years ago that was code for "fancy a shag"..

Remember "Whatever I wear, wherever I go, yes means yes, no means NO."

NO is never the wrong answer; but you do need to say it.

Next time, get to know someone first, then decide if you want to do anything else.

+1 for TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet's response

It's not the end of the world. I can understand that you will feel awful, perhaps embarassed and queasy because you werent into him. I understand how sometimes things seem to happen on autopilot...and it seems like you just didn't want to face up to the awkwardness of telling him you werent turned on and that you wanted him to stop. But he sounds creepy and slimey for shagging around behind hs parners back!! Take a deep breth and face him later at school/tomorrow morning (you could wear sungalsses tomorrow if it's really sunny (migh make it easier to feel aloof)and people would assume it's because of driving). If he mentions it then just seem busy and just say no thanks. No further explanation is needed. Don't be too embarassed it's him that did the wrong thing

I understand why you feel shitty about it, but try and put it behind you. Make sure you are never on your own with him again. Ever.

It sounds like you felt uncomfortable to stop it once HE assumed you had agreed to it - which you hadn't.

It's very difficult to sudden;y turn and be assertive to someone who is putting subtle or not so subtle pressure on you.

He was using 'coffee' as a euphemism for casual sex and frankly by the sound of it didn't even care whether you understood that or not.

What a bastard.

anyway- I hope you did use protection, if not then start ebing proactive NOW by getting a morning after pill, taking it today, and booking to get yourself tested for STIs.

I know how you feel from my much younger days, when I would let men do this sort of thing. I felt hideously angry at myself and them, but I have forgiven myself now.

Learning experience - and avoid him totally, of course.
If he makes a nuisance of himself post back here and we'll help you sort that out too.

Don't beat yourself up x

We all do things we regret!

But, I do find it quite worrying that you felt you couldn't stop the situation if you didn't want it to happen. If it wasn't him being intimidating then that's something in yourself you need to work on - maybe some kind of counselling or assertiveness training?

Have you gone through with sex you didn't want in the past?

Hully - it was almost a disbelief and fascination.

Quietly/Merry I don't think I am being contradictory, I definately don't want it to go anywhere. I was being stupid inviting him to the house as I already knew (had just found out) he had a partner. That was the contradictory bit. I can be a bit lonely/dependent. I am not young (39). I led a bit of a wild youth but I never had problems with sexual boundaries before. My ex-h was controlling but I got away. Have always wanted the sex I have had, except on occasions when I have been very drunk. I have not had a drink for over a decade though - so no excuse...

Sounds like you got carried away with the attention and thrill of him him eyeing you up.

It's not the greatest of choices seeing as he had a partner and you'll have to see him or her on a daily basis.

You'll have to tell him ,you made a mistake and it won't be happening again.

Get a STI if he didn't use protection and it's probably worth working on your self esteem.

get a std test