Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

What thingumy said, although I don't agree with the first sentence.

I have invited my best friend's husband in for coffee before. I don't think that on its own is sleazy.

Yeah but kiki,I assume you don't fancy him ?

I've got to go out but will be back in a bit. Am interested in your responses - I agree that he is a knob, I just can't understand myself and whay I invited him in.I think it was that I am polite and hadn't thought it through. I didn't expect it to progess to sex.. but what did I expect?

She was threatened implicitly.

He took advantage. She had said no thanks once. He hung about and then started touching her and trying to kiss her.

It was awkward, she said so. He ignored her statement that she didn't want sex. So what was she meant to do? She obviously thought saying no again would be ignored again - and if saying no didn't work, what was he capable of to get what he wanted?

These are very subtle thinking patterns that are nonetheless present and OP probably wasn't even aware of. She says she doesn't understand why she allowed him to carry on.

Either she is lying and actually wanted him, but she tells us shewasn't turned on - so what was in it for her? - or she was told by his use of body language, his refusal to desist despite her protest that she didn't want him, and the implicit threat to her safety by resisting him that having sex was her safest option. It's called the survival instinct and he took full advantage of it.

FFS, stop putting all of this on the guy.

He is knob for cheating and she is just as bad for having sex with someone who she knew was in a relationship.

OP - i know u feel like shit, and you must feel like shit. what you did was yuk but move on and try not to put yourself in this situation again.

I don't think we should be making the OP feel worse than she does.
She made a mistake, she knows that. She's not planning on doing it again.

Flaming her isn't going to help.

Would you feel as bad if it hadn't been a crap shag?

It wouldn't matter if I fancied him or not. It still wouldn't be sleazy unless I was planning to seduce him.

Also, OP, I don't think you can explain this away by saying you're 'polite'. I am also polite, but I've never had consensual sex with someone I didn't want to fuck.

she is going to feel much worse when she meets up with partner of that guy at the school gates.

Would someone like to say how saying no is actually wanting sex. Most women freeze if they believe their wishes will be ignored and are unable to forcefully tell a man to leave and lie there motionless and put up with having sex because they are scared.

I don't think anyone is flaming the OP, ginnny. She wanted opinions. She's got them. Opinions are not always going to agree with you.

I mean, what was she supposed to do next, to make it clear?

She ahd told him no thanks. He ignored that and made her feel uncomfortable by hanging around.

He overstepped the mark by touching her etc.

What did she have to do next to prevent him going for it? Bite him? Slap him? He demanded confrontation by his refusal to step down and leave.

Most people do not want confrontation especially with someone taller/stronger which most men are to most women.

He was using this to pressure her into sex.

The thing about inviting him back, well to like someone and feel attractive is nice. So perhaps she was just pleased to feel a sense of mutual attraction and friendliness, not anticipating he would demand actual sex - maybe they could even have acknowledged a mutual attraction without it being a threat to anyone or anything. It's common to flirt a little bit.

I don't think she meant this to happen.

Sexual predators know how to make people so uncomfortabe they dare not refuse. It's how they operate. They know you aren't going to slap them, because you are afraid to.

So they take that wrongly as consent.

He didn't rape her.

She was consenting but at the same time regretting that consent-she could of said No at any point.

She didn't.

Regretting a crap shag is pretty common isn't it?

OP, don't beat yourself you, it's done now so what's the point.

You should however look inwards and think about your self esteem if you felt unable to say no. I have got myself in the same situation many time but when i was young and had very low self esteem. I just wanted to feel wanted at that point, but felt horrible afterwards.

She wasnt raped based on her description of events.

She did say no.

She said no right at the start when he started on about how he liked her body.

She said no!

He ignored that!

What was she supposed to do next - chuck him out?

He was being the double glazing salesman of sex.

I think it is dangerous and very probably incorrect to label this man as a 'sexual predator'.

Yes, he was out of order by pushing the issue, but the OP turned out to be persuadable and this was NOT any kind of sex attack.

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP is downplaying her role in this because she feels terrible about it. Kissing back is an encouragement. Putting her hands on him in a positive way is encouragement. Helping him off with his clothing is encouragement. But nobody wants to feel like they've encouraged someone to cheat on their partner, and I understand that.

of course she could of chucked him out Ingrid

Why couldn't she have chucked him out Ingrid? Or told him to fuck off? I really don't think implying to the OP that she was raped will help her feel better about a bad decision, tbh. Unless the OP feels that she was threatened/forced?

Kiki we don't know if she did any of those things.

Could you physically chuck out a bloke, Thingumy? right back at you.

OP said she felt awkward,she never said she felt pressurised or frightened.

No, I suppsoe I couldn't physically pick up a person and launch them from my front door, but I could get very aggressive and make my feelings known.

There's something else though. H20 I thought you had recently started a new relationship yourself? Has that fizzled out, or does this mean that you have also been unfaithful? If you are in a relationship, I wonder why you didn't say this, instead of telling this man that you were divorced? Was this a lie by omission?

I'm looking at this from my own similar experience.

I didn't chuck out mine because it would have meant confrontation.

I ddid not want confrontation, I was afraid of it. He might have turned nasty, he would almost certainly have resisted.

It takes a lot of guts and often some preparation to be that assertive, and I for one failed at it.

consenting under duress is not the same as consenting willingly.

It really is similar to being sold a load of windows you never really wanted. Is that the victim's fault?

You don't need to physically throw a man out,you simply tell him to leave.

I'm guessing you will then say he wouldn't of listened if she had asked him to leave...