Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I think that when you are alone in your home with a man you don't know that well, but you perhaps feel a slight attraction to/are initially comfortable with, you can very quickly end up in a difficult situation. One where in essence you end up going ahead with something that whilst in the strictest terms you consent, nonetheless you really don't want to do.

I know, because many years ago this happened to me. And it is not a nice feeling.

OP, I am also sure you didn't want this to happen. I think if you didn't use protection, you need to get MAP and checked for STIs. Don't give yourself too hard a time but I would honestly be very wary of putting yourself into a similar situation again. I know for my part I never have.

I have been sexually assalted by two different people.

First time was a partner I said no he pushed and I was shocked, upset and didn't fight. You have this panicked notion when your wishes are ignored fight, which will likely lead to more harm, flee which if you fail will lead to more harm or surrender, most people surrender,so you cannot be certain that you would all fight put in that position, do all of you realise how hard that is to do?

Second time I fought and ended up in hospital, this happended repeatedly to me.

When I was in work a few years later a man asked me for sex I said clearly no, from having a violent partner I knew how to escape he pushed me against the wall and I waited till he got close to headbutt him and run I was only able to do this because I had been through this so many times before I got the sack.

A crappy sex experience which results in feelings of guilt or shame does not mean it's rape.

She feels shit because she had pretty sordid sex with someone else's partner and has realised that he probably does it all the time.

I'd be feeing pretty shitty in her shoes too.

Hope you are ok OP.

Ingrid - onemorechap, upthread.

I'm not implying rape at all.

I'm implying sex under duress.

She didn't say no when he had already ignored her the first time, because it would have been considered confrontational after his deliberately ignoring the first time.

He was essentially putting her in a position of having to confront him in order to get him to leave, and she was too afraid? or too unwilling to risk it perhaps, or just not thinking quickly enough to do this.

So he assumed she was his for the taking.

Nice.

As H20 hasn't been back, we have no idea whether she has a similar fear of confrontation, or whether the bloke would have resisted, or got nasty. Since he had a lot to lose and has to see the OP every day, the balance of probability is that none of those factors were present. If the OP had told him to go, I expect he would have done so.

If a fear of confrontation and conflict gets us into damaging situations, then we have to take responsibility for that and work on it. I'm assuming and hoping that's something you did Ingrid?

In a general sense, failing to take responsibility for our own behaviour in these situations is damaging to ourselves, because it makes us victims when we don't need to be. If however we treat situations like this as a horrible learning experience, much personal good can come from it, if it means that we become more assertive and comfortable with conflict.

Likewise, I am hoping that the poor woman who has been cheated on this morning is also assertive and learns what her partner is really like.

Sorry - I'm not following you Ingrid.

Surely sex under duress = rape. There is no full and free consent when duress is involved so why is that not rape?

Excellent post WWIFN

Crawling, I'm so sorry.

Hatesponge, I think you put it well, too.

KikiJane, good for you, and bloody well done, but that doesn't mean just because you were able to be so assertive other women are not more afraid that you were, or weaker, or less able or willing to fight.

You did it and succeeded. Other people have done that and it's made things worse; in extremis they have been killed for resisting.

Not defending yourself is NOT the same as wanting to have sex.

Actually if op called the police I think it would be investigated, op said no once (which nothing in the law states you have to repeatedly scream no saying it once is enough) and he continued to have sex even after being told she did not want sex. Most victims take ages to admit to being raped.

Unwilling consent is what I consider my own case to have been, I cannot technically call it rape as I gave consent by implication, that is I did not eject the man from the building.

I was afraid he would resist and I was unprepared for this.

That doesn't mean I would have a case to call it rape, but neither does it mean I consented freely and fully.

and I recall being in different parts of the room, trying to get away from him, but he kept following me and I did not say no forcefully enough to make it a confrontation.

He just kept on and on ignoring me.

I felt disgusting afterwards. Yet because I did not fight hard enough, due to my fear of the consequences and also not being entirely sure what he was doing/going to do (that's the 'fascination' part I guess - it's not in a good way though) I did not call it rape.

Okay Ingrid but that does sound different to what the OP has said so far. She has said nothing about fearing he would resist.

Can we go back to the start of this anyway? The bloke said that his partner wouldn't be happy about him meeting up with the OP. Within minutes he was proposing just that. Why did H20 ignore what he had said previously and feel it was okay to ignore his partner's wishes? There is some responsibility to be taken here and in fairness to H20 she has never appeared to have shirked it.

It seems clear that there is a division of opinion here based on individual previous experience.

But Ingird - that is surely rape?

If he knew you weren't really consenting and you didn't push him away etc only because you were afraid of him/the consequences then there was no consent and that is rape.

Or am I being completely stupid?

Ingrid, agree. I do also think that unless you have been in this situation, you honestly don't know how you would react. And it very much depends on who the other person is. For example, at university I had a group of close male friends. We used to hug each other, cuddle up on sofas etc but there was nothing in it. One night I was alone with one of them, and when cuddling me, he tried to kiss me and take it further. I resisted, there was a little bit of a tussle, but he stopped almost immediately and nothing happened. I think because he was my friend, I knew him well, and knew he would stop when told - which he did. I felt able to say no, and able to predict his reaction to that.

The other situation I refer to involved someone I didn't know that well at all - and I do feel is similar to what happened to the OP. Looking back, I think that's why I reacted differently, and just let it happen. Had he asked me a direct question - did I want to have sex? I would have said no. He didn't ask. Equally I didn't tell him to stop. I don't consider it rape, but I do know it wasn't what I wanted.

Rapsits are not scared they pick on vulnerable women and know most cases are not reported and even if they are are not prosecuted.

So if a woman is not forceful enough it is not rape, what about if a woman is crying no but is aroused is that also not rape?

Ingrid You have nothing to feel bad about you made your wishes clear and he refusedto accept no for a answer.

She was probably unaware of her survival instinct WWIFN. It's easy to miss, it's very quick, very subtle, very effective.

She will have weighed up the factors - his size and determination,(which she says was strong) escape 'routes' or excuses etc etc without even thinking about it.

And decided to let him have sex with her as it was the safest option.

Perhaps she is not comfortable with conflict - how may of us are? Does that mean we are to blame when someone effectively forces conflict on us?

Let me make this abundantly clear. I am no rape apologist and resent that insinuation. If the OP comes back and tells us that on reflection, she feels the emotions that have been projected onto her and thinks she was co-erced, I'd be the first in the queue to suggest she reported it.

Coercion isn't something the police are likely to act on...rape itself is usually unsuccessfully followed up.

I didn't insinuate you were a rape apologist.

But WWIFN most rape victims do not want to accept what has happended and are left feeling guilty and dont acept for years look at Ingrid op may take years if this was rape to come to terms and admit how she felt.

Also did no one notice the subtle threat I will be back tomorrow, and the degrading to make her feel it was her fault by saying wear holdups next time.

The guy sounds like a creepy weirdo.

Do you feel you have been raped, OP? Did you feel that saying 'no' was an option?

The thing is, if it was rape, then yo need to report him to the police. Or at the very least, tell him that you are extremely uncomfortable with what happened and that it will NEVER happen again, stop talking to him etc.

However, if you are just regretting having seedy sex in the middle of the day with a married dad from school that you will have to face every day? No sympathy, tbh. This was never going to have a happy ending, any fool could see.