Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Yes, the very fact that it is now written into law, that a man has to take reasonable steps to ensure consent, shows how change can ahppen.

Honestly rape victims are treated awfully.Mine didnt even get a conviction,police were not interested.My fault I fancied him wore a tiny skirt.Didn't matter that I said no upteen times.Not all rapes are violent.Mine wasnt.Not all victims have the strenth to fight the rapist off.Alot are paralyzed cannot move like me,It's very horrible situation to find yourself in.The only reason I dnt find this is rape because op was kissing him bk and touching him too correct me if im wrong.i thought maybe she was until I read that.

Herb, I trust men as far as I can, my Dh, I have some very good male friends. I do however actively avoid being alone with strange males or those who have actively letched in my direction.

I don't need to put myself in that danger, so I don't and yes it is sadly potential danger with some men, not all.

I just think women can be more pro active in their safety and build a self astern especially if they have a past, so they have the confidence to say no to situations.

Rape or situs like this are not a womans fault nor can you ever gte you won't be raped but a healthy self esteem can help prevent yourself from getting into bad situtuations.

I say this from coming from some dodgy scenarios like op as I was so fucked up about my abusive past, yes I am now ok thanks, it took lots if time but I'm there.

I don't think in this situ anyone but op can call rape and if that's what she feels, it has to be in her own time, she also needs to build on her esteem for the future do twats like this don't get over the door.

I was hurt to be labelled an apologist or whatever yesterday. Because I'm not a regular who has told my story before does not mean I dont have one.

Excuse typos on phone in dark, film is boring :D

I know that rhene but I also do think op if she felt stronger in herself would not have even invited the fucker in.

There would have been no oppertunity. It's not her fault at all but I think it's important she works on it sadly, so she's not easy prey for pricks like that.

Rhadegunde sorry.

He sounds a prick wether he is a rapist or not tbh.Just keep well away from him if you can

TBH emmy I think lots of women avoid being alone with strange men.

But it's not strange men who are the danger, as ou know. It's the familiar ones. If I insisted on a cheaperone for a meeting with a male colleague, people would think I was berserk - and extremely insulting to that colleague. If I don't let the plumber in, my washing machine will never work again and I'd be berserk. If I didn't let my friend's DH in to wait for her while she comes back from picking up the milk or something, I'd be berserk. But it's exactly those sorts of normal scenarious, where women are most at risk of being raped. And that's why telling women to be careful, is pointless. She can't stop the colleague, plumber, friend's husband raping her if he's decided to. Unless you are going to adopt the muslim habit of never being alone with a man, you simply can't practically live like that. The only way to stop rape, is to get the men involved to not feel entitled to rape you. And thankfully, the vast majority of colleagues, plumbers and friends' husbands don't feel that sense of entitlement, but it's the ones who do that we need to be tackling, making them responsible for tehir behaviour, not shunting that responsibility on to their victimcs.

Ohh I know herb, took me years to embrace my Dad, my own fucking Dad who loves me to bits. But I also think statistics aside, teaching women to balance risk in this shitty world is not a bad thing and does not make you an apologist.

Keep fighting yes for recognition and punishment of rape but I do think women need to be more self aware.

Just because man you know on the school run comes for coffee, does that mean you are safe? Hell no, you should be but you aren't especially if hes a letchy twat. I'm not apologising for men, just in reality with his type sadly.

Some people have better radar for predators than others. Sadly, good radar is far too often acquired by having had something bad happen to you. But the thing is with your good radar is that it might keep you moderately safe in some situations (though nothing will stop the determined rapist who forces his way into the house and has a weapon), it's not actually provable. If you decide that you're not going to allow a particular man to walk you home, or come in for a cup of coffee, because there's 'just something about him' that makes you uneasy, you very often are acting according to sound instincts, but you're not going to have any way of proving to yourself or anyone else that you were right about him - until he rapes someone else. But that doesn't mean she was more stupid than you, or 'deserved it' more than you. She might just have been socialised to be more placatory and polite than you.

But the problem with that, is that you have to then define all men as potential rapists.

Which leaves you open to the charge of being a paranoid man-hater of course.

That's terrible about not being able to hug your father.

Yes and the other thing about that SGB is that even when our antennae are vibrating, we are socialised to override the signals they are sending us. We tell ourselves to stop being stupid, stop being paranoid, poor guy, how nice he is, how could you even think of him being a rapist - and we're taught to put our concern for his feelings, way higher on our priority scale, than our safety and comfort.

I am going to urge my DD to read this book as soon as she's old enough.

Dittany... As I mentioned, I was appalled that the OP was, in effect, 'being shouted' down and her views ignored. I shouldn't have told you to stop posting; for context see below.

I posted this (in part) to you: "You could really get yourself into serious trouble if you keep stating things as fact when they aren't and keep making accusations which are untrue. Stop it because you're going to get this thread pulled."

I've already answered that part in an earlier post.

In as far as undermining rape victims is concerned, what I actually said was this:
^"Dittany... OP feels ashamed, that's nothing to do with violation, the guy didn't force her, she feels bad about the decision that she made.

Some of you are seriously undermining rape victims and that's disgraceful. No wonder they are often disbelieved.^ I didn't single you out, Dittany, it was a general comment.

If you're interested in the explanation, what I meant was that if the OP didn't consider she had been raped, being 'talked into it' would undermine what I perceived to be genuine rape victims, ie. women who did think they had been raped.

You then said in a later post that you'd never encourage anybody to report a rape because the system was against them. I didn't understand that really as you were so adamant that the OP should accept she had been raped.

You were getting quite a bit of stick on the thread from quite a few posters for 'projecting' ... these were the posts from you on which I made my comment that you seemed 'amused'. That was wrong as I've already said, but I mentioned that the OP was feeling hurt and upset, meaning that these comments were doing no good.
dittany Thu 03-Feb-11 17:12:09
You forget perfumedlife that h20 has already been thoroughly conditioned by another man to avoid any kind of physical confrontation
then:
h20 steer well clear of him, because I think he might try to do this again.
and:
What are you going to do if he tries to get into your house again h20? It's quite worrying that he said he plans to come back.

I don't believe that you were 'amused' and I apologise for that comment, it was uncalled for.

I'd like to think that it's possible to be supportive of the poster even if disagreeing with what they're saying.

HerBeX... Sorry, missed your post there whilst I was typing.

Your post makes me shiver. :( I can remember so many times that were a 'near miss' and could have ended so differently. Do you think that some men are conditioned in their environment to be rapists or is it in their upbringing, or part of their genetic makeup?

Reading the 'myths' has really opened my eyes to the startling realisation that some things I accepted as 'fact', really aren't. I wonder, given your scenario, how many women would talk themselves into 'having fancied or quite liked their friend', to soften the blow of having had unwanted sex with them? Kind of like the OP in the thread, perhaps?

Is there any kind of sea-change on the horizon? Education for young teenagers? I'd like to think that penalties for rape become much more punitive. If potential rapists realise that they have so much to lose, it might go some way to protecting women; all our DDs.

HerBeX... What age would you say that book is appropriate for?

LWW - it is such a normal phenomenon for women who have been raped by friends, to then go out with them and ahve sex with them a couple more times to convince themselves that it wasn't rape.

Which of course, is why no-one would believe them if they said they were raped later on. Because why did you go out with him afterwards, of course you weren't raped?

And so they don't tell anyoen. They go into denial as long as possible being fucked up by that and if they are lucky, they phone a helpline where they get help.

But it's terrible that so many women go through this.

LWW, as far as I'm aware, that book is written for adults, so I guess teens.

Viz what makes some men have that sense of entitelment - well, our whole culture encourages it. And yet incredibly, so many men still manage to be decent people - patriarchy tries so hard to corrupt men and still can't impose its shit on most of them. The ones who do have that sense of entitlement, tend to learn it when they are children, by seeing the way the women and girls in their families are treated.

Also, some people are just wrong. There is just something wrong with their wiring which means they are unable to empathise with or care about other people: they are only interested in their own needs and whims and wishes. Some of them do exactly what they like because they have no impulse control (and usually end up in prison sooner or later, others plan and think and strategise ways of getting what they want at someone else's expense and getting away with it - they often get away with it fora long time because they know how to use other people's good nature and the belief the majority of people have that other people are basiclaly OK and don't mean them any harm.

Hi there OP. I've PM'd you. No need to respond. Good Luck. xx

SGB. I think i have a pretty good radar. The question i have been left with is why did i go along with it. On reflection I am now realising that it may have been a lot more to do with what is going on in my life. I am very angry about something and lack acceptance of both myself and my life situation (one of my sons has social and communication difficulties, and i cannot come to terms with it). I think on some level i wanted to push the self destruct button...

OP good to see you back tonight. Your thread has been somewhat hijacked but you sound sensible enough to take what you want from what has been said and intelligent enough to forget the crap. Take Care x

h20 - sounds like it all just happened so fast and out of the blue - sometimes we just don't have time to think and sort of just go with the flow - especially when it seems so off the wall (we're not really trained for these situations) and on reflection we would always do things differently - but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

H20. Well, up to a point. But the fact remains that, after you had said you weren't interested, this man hung about and then started having sex on you. That's not the behaviour of a nice person.

oh dear, don t blame this guy too much, he probably regrets what hes done now,and is confused ,after all you let him do it