why oh why oh why!?

[Darnsarfupnorf]

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

begon i didnt ask him to, he begged. he wanted those 2 weeks of being a proper full time dad to her before we moved and hed be so far away from her.
everyones told me how hard the nights are and how theyre the worst part of having a newborn and ive refused support from elsewhere so he can here being a proper dad.

he sobbed and begged to let him stay with me for those 2 weeks and now shes clicked her fingers and thrown a tantrum hes leaving me on my own and unsuported when i put myself in that position for him.

ive said i understand why shed be against it, i really do but its not about her and shes stopping him from being with his child.

as it stands its just the nights but it wont be long til shes kicking off about daytimes too
ve told him im not going to chain him to the house and hes free to visit her when he wants cus she is his girlfriend after all but i dont think im being unreasonablein expecting the support i was promised when i need it most

that sounded harsher than i ment it to! sorry!

So he is basicually say's one thing to you and does another?

Do you honestly want him treating your daughter like that? he will if he knows he can do it to you. and you let him.

I dont get why he wont stand up to her, if they broke up would you still be leaving? if not then he wont be 'lonely'.

the ex has got to relise he is going to bed a 'daddy' and the OP will need his help. no matter how much the g/f kicks an screams, she cant always get what she want's or in this case maybe she can.

Wasn't harsh at all but you need to think about you and not him. When will you realise you can't rely on him? One think for sure is that you are having the baby - you can't change your mind or walk away from the birth or the baby. IMO, having him stay over after the birth (even if you could rely that he would) would be wrong and damaging to you. You would be better to go home to your parents for the birth or if that's not possible, can't they or your mum at least come to you - be your birthing partner and stay for a little while to help you. He is only going to stress you out whether he comes or not. I read the thread and really everyone is hitting their heads against a brick wall - you are playing out some little fantasy in your head and you are the only onne who is going to be burned. He cries and you give in to letting him stay over - he won't be there! You will possibly end up on your own and you will be miserable. Get your parents on board and tell him he can see the baby when it is born - that way you are not going to be disappointed or pointlessly waiting at the most vulnerable time of your life.

Why are you worried about seeming harsh? What is wrong with sounding harsh about someone who has cheated on you and let you down in the most horrible way at a time when you are most in need of his help, not to mention the time he most owes you that help?

Why are you still thinking you'll stay on there and not going straight back to your family after leaving the hospital? What happens if you have a c-section? What if the baby ends up in the NICU?

You have got to stop thinking of this man and his last last last chances to be a 'daddy' and start thinking about the baby and the real help you will need Things can go wrong at childbirth. Things can get complicated.

Even if all goes smoothly, you may end up desperate and not coping well. You will need help, not the drama of a jealous witch and a spineless fool making you utterly miserable, with you sitting there wondering if he's going to be two hours late and what his excuse will be this time, with a screaming baby and bags under your eyes, no shower since last Tuesday, no laundry done for a week, nothing nice to eat for yourself, your bed stained with blood and spat up milk and your flat smelling of nappies and looking like a bomb hit it. Get on the phone and beg all those who offered you help to come and help and forget about giving this man 'a chance'. BE HARSH and DON'T APOLOGISE ABOUT IT. Look out for yourself.

An unreliable, spineless excuse for a man will drive you insane when the exhaustion sets in. He will arrive two hours late one afternoon with an excuse and you will hit him with a frying pan. There's nothing like post natal hormones to make everything very clear and unambiguous. Go home and forget him as soon as possible before he drives you to that.

sweet pretty much yea. and she'll kick and scream and throw tantrums and threaten to leave him but she'll come crawling back to him cus shes just as pathetic.

begon its to late for my mum to get time off work to come up to me and its not really possible for me to go down there.
last night i sorted my 'back up plan' for the birth with a friend i know i can trust. shes the only other person id be comfortable having there really and i know i can rely on her so whatever happens i know she'll be around.

math i thought id sounded harsh to begon not to him.
im not moving straight away for a few reasons, I dont want to move back home- I might have support and love but so much hassle and grief will come from it too and i really dont need that. and yea part of me is playing out this little fantasy where he sees the baby, fucks her off and is the best dad ever but thats what i want so i cant help that. but most of all im not moving because i dont want to, i love my life up here and my house and my friends and having the independence. really im fucked if i do and fucked if i dont,if i move ill have support for a bit til they all get sick of me but ill be miserable and if i stay ill have less support and things will be harder with him if when hes still messing around and not manning up but ill be in a place i love with all my friends round me.

i really dont want to turn my life upside down just because hes to immature and ignorant to see whats right infront of him

ive got 8 weeks before i give birth and hes going to keep throwing tantrums and im gona get messed around and hes gonna be playing the 'child being told off' but all he has to do is fuck her off and face up to his responsibilities and we all get what we want, he gets to be a dad and i get to stay here.

im just so confused and frustrated and ERGH!!

I feel for you in this crap situation but I can't help get the feeling a big part of this is getting oner over on her and making it about him choosing . He is with her now and why are you trying to split them up by making these demands that at first he stayed away from her until after the baby is born when it was obvious they were together and he has chosen her. Now they are back together, you still seem intent on getting to her - why would she feel it's ok for him to stay with you for 2 weeks when the baby's born - I don't understand why you think it's reasonable when they are a couple now.

Other thing is if your friends are all young like you and don't have children, things are probably going to be different once the baby comes along. I really doubt your friendships will carry on as before - you will all be focussing on totally different things - but I might be wrong and hopefully they will be able to give you the support you need. Sorry to sound so negative, I really wish you all the best.

begon yea it does sound negative but its true.

Alot of my friends up here are older and a few of them have kids so its not such a big issue, my friends from home are all away at uni except a few of them so i have a lot more friends up here both with and without kids.

its not about getting one over on her, its the fact that hes begged and begged for the chance to be a dad and as soon as she clicks her fingers he changes his mind.
he wants to be a dad and he wants me to stay but he knows im leaving so hes with her so he wont be alone when i go. pathetic i know and i shouldnt fall for it.

this is so stupid, if it was someone else asking me id have no problem telling them what to do bu its a lot harder following your own advice

'part of me is playing out this little fantasy where he sees the baby, fucks her off and is the best dad ever but thats what i want so i cant help that.'

'hes going to keep throwing tantrums and im gona get messed around and hes gonna be playing the 'child being told off' but all he has to do is fuck her off and face up to his responsibilities and we all get what we want, he gets to be a dad and i get to stay here.'

Please, please listen to reason and do the thing that is necessary and difficult but which will leave you so much better off in the end. If he cares, he will make the effort to see you. If he doesn't care there's no amount of you hanging around and hoping that will make him.

Stop fantasising. The drama may be fun now but it will lose its shine very fast when you're dealing with post natal hormones and a baby who keeps you up all night - alone.

It is doing you no good now and it will do you no good down the road. The reality is that if he wanted you he would tell the other woman you were making him stay with you for the baby (because he's too afraid to tell the truth). The reality here is that he has another woman whom he likes more than you for whatever reason and intends to stay with her. It would be easy for him to stay with you if he wanted to. Just tell her a lie as he has told you. He has chosen her. Read this useful book.

You have hinted here that you may have had a less than perfect relationship with your father as a child. You cannot cure that by engaging with a man who treats you badly and is basically unavailable to you, and it is just not right to drag a baby into the same kind of dynamic. I think you should book yourself into some counselling to get to the bottom of why you are doing this to yourself and to try to understand why you think you need to give this man a chance to be a dad, why you persist in your fantasy that this man is yours or good for you in any way.

Yer io get why you would want him to end it with this OW but you know he wont, he hasnt got the ball's.

Friends come and go and no metter were you go you can always make new ones.

This OW sounds like a cow but for some reason by the sounds of things he 'loves her' or he wouldnt put her before the baby.

You want them to break up and that probly wont happen, he wont stand up to her. But you also cant make him choose because like you said that will be lowing yourself to her standards.

Fuck this man off and move back to your family and friends. The friends you have were you are now can go visit you or you go visit them.

Am sure you will be able to get your independece back when you go home and get you're own place down there.

You need to realise that when your baby comes, you will have no independence, and you will be craving the help and support your family will provide. Families aren't perfect, but you would be a fool to turn down supoort just because you've built up this ridiculous fantasy of your ex falling head over heels for you once he sees your baby.

You cannot rely on this man, at all, and it's unfair to try and put a spanner in his new relationship for your own amusement/revenge/something to do whilst you wait for the baby to come.

I was young when I had my son, and my family live at the other end of the country. Even though my parents stayed with us for the first couple of weeks (stayed with me, DP, and DS) you have no idea how much I wished I could just pop round for a visit, have my mum over to mind the baby whilst I caught up on sleep etc. You will need your family far more than this spineless drip you seem hellbent on "claiming". Your baby deserves better.

What Cat says is so true -- I was in another country when my DCs were babies. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and harder than I ever imagined it would be. You will need the love and the support right there, right then, and knowing this man is nearby but won't come over will kill you.

i know im gonna need my mum and im gonnsa want her too but when she offered to come up i said no cus he would be here with me and now hes changed his mind and its to late and she cant come.

thats why im so fkin desperate and pathectic and frustrated, i didnt think expecting him to follow through on a promise of support he begged for the oportunity to give was to much to ask but now im well and truely in the shit i realise it obviously was

ill have plenty of support during the day, if anything ill have to much and will want more time alone but im gonna have noone at night and that terrifies me

gah

i know, sorry :(

Why is it that you are planning not to put the father's details on your baby's certificate? (Sorry if it has been explained already, but it is a long thread and I may have missed it)

What would happen if he did stay the two weeks you would have to be by yourself in the night sooner or later.

You will be able to do it and will be fine even more with the help in the day.

look love, you are still hoping he will dump the gf and you will live hsppily ever sfter, you two and the bsby

it ain't gonns hsppen, and you are not listening to any advice are you ?

sorry, substitute an "a" for an "s" in that last post

This man has messed you around and this other woman.

That doesn't make her any sort of a bitch. It makes her the same as you at the beginning of this thread where you were asking why do you keep taking him back/going back to him.

Maybe eventually she will wise up. But why would she want her boyfriend in his ex's house playing happy families for a fortnight when he has previously 'seen sense and fucked her off'. for 3 months to be back with you and then dumped you and gone back to her?

There is nothing to stop him coming daily and helping you out and being a good father.

Maybe this woman is a complete psycho in my opinion she has been messed around by him as much as you I can understand her misgivings.

He is the only one you should have a problem with over his behaviour.

The stupid thing is that both you and the other woman are engaged in this one upmanship thing and competing with each other. The reason this is possible at all is that this is a weak, weak man who doesn't care at all about his baby. the GF has found that out through her ultimatum. You found it out when he left you while you were pregnant. You have a headstart on her wrt knowing the truth about this man so you really shouldn't be still hanging around.

gill when it all blew up last time she put all sorts of ideas into his head and made me into the worst person in the world so he ended up threatening court etc and theres no way im going through that again and theres no way im putting my baby through it so not having him on the birth cert gives me piece of mind. i dont know what hes capable of but i know what hes capable of threatening and i dontnwant that hanging over me.

sweet I can go home after those 2 weeks and have my mum around and everyone keeps telling me how its so much harder straight after the birth, ive not done this before so thats all ive really got to go on.

anyfucker your not understanding it, i dont want him and the few months we were together the 2nd time made me see that properly. shes manipulative and childish and selfish and he gets in his head because in his eyes she can do no wrong and even if he could see it he wouldnt do naything about it because hes pathetic and to scared to be on his own. like me.

xales ive said before i understand why she doesnt want him here. the problem isnt with her throwing te tantrum its with him giving into her after begging and begging for me to let him stay when hes barely been back with her a week.

im not like her but i understand why she is like he is

so im changing the thread, i cant rely on him but i cant go home yet so how do i cope on my own? days will be fine but how do i get through the nights on my own for the first few weeks before i can move home?

I am understanding it

it's you that is in denial

why else would you still be hanging on, blaming all of his shitty behaviour on his "deranged" girlfriend and still thinking he will step up and be a man ?

the gf will be along any minute anyway, so this will all kick off again

so how do i cope on my own? cus thats whats been bothering me the last few days, not him. wether they change their mind or not ive got to the point where i dont want him here so how the fuck do i get through the first few weeks of nights on my own cus i havent got a clue