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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why oh why oh why!?

238 replies

Darnsarfupnorf · 02/01/2011 20:51

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/01/2011 20:14

You take to your bed with the baby and you don't leave except to wash yourself and take a little walk every day with the baby if the weather's nice. You rest and ask your friends to bring food and go out and run your errands for you. You try to make your life as simple and as worry-free as possible.

You post on MN in the Ante Natal Clubs section and find out if there's anyone near you for a shoulder to cry on. There's a whole section called Sleep, plus Childbirth and also Behaviour/ Development. If you're going to breastfeed you may have questions depending on how that goes. As you can see from all that, your world will revolve around the baby.

You will take plenty of photos and cherish your DD and enjoy the time you have to spend together, and hopefully realise how nice it is when you have no space in your head for the drama the BF brings, and cross your fingers that you will recover without experiencing PND from the stress of having him somewhere in the background. It will break your heart that this deeply silly, stupid and vain man will not man up for the sake of the miracle you hold in your arms.

Darnsarfupnorf · 31/01/2011 15:44

Im really worried about PND so im gonna ask the midwife about it. though i think because im so convinced im gonna have it and lifes going to be horrendous and miserable I can kinda prepare myself for it, thats kinda how ive got through the last 8 months anyway so im hoping i can carry it on.

i like the thought of having a 'baby bubble' though, id like someone to share it with but if ive got visitors during the day then theyll do wont they? unlss i get so far into the bubble i dont want anyone around!

you'll all be the first to know hats going on though, i always seem to put this brave face on and just crack up on here! stupid i know cus people want to help but thats just me i guess

thanks math :)

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sweetchecks · 01/02/2011 11:23

More fool her and you for giving these chances all the time, you need to be the best mum you can be with or without this man fuckin youre life up.

You know by the sounds of things he is only going to hurt/let you down again? So why give him that chance to?

sadisticlies · 01/02/2011 16:04

Hiya.

Firstly, as harsh as this may sound, you need to get a grip.

Secondly, you just seem to sound as though you still want a relationship with this man.

At the moment all you need to focus on is your baby, rather than him or his current girlfriend and what they're doing or what they're not doing with their lives.

I know you're probably scared and scared of being alone, but to me he does sound like he is a keen dad, even if he is a worm when it comes to relationships.

He has brought the baby things, he attends anti-natal with you, he wants to be there for you to support you during the birth and he's willing to come down every day when the baby is born for his 2 weeks of paternity leave. He is even coming down now to help you with bits that you can't really do now.

I will say this now though I think you wanting him to stay for 2 weeks is a bit much. If that was my partner I think that I would be exactly the same as Shivo and put my foot down. Even if it was him that begged you, at the time he didn't have another partner therefore didn't have to worry about these things, but now he has, he has to respect what she's saying concering this matter.

I admit yeah the nights are hard, but they only become difficult if you don't rest enough during the day, which I'm sure you will be able to do as he will be there helping you out, giving you plenty of time to get some rest. At the end of the day, you do need to get used to doing the nights alone, because he's not going to be there to help you at those times with you both being seperated.

I went through a similar situation when my daughter was born with my ex, and like you I didn't put him on the birth certificate but that does NOT mean that he doesn't have rights. You say he has threatened you with courts before and I can guarantee if you keep saying these things he will do it again, and actually go ahead with it. I got a big shock, once he goes through courts etc he will have plenty of rights. I just think you should be careful what you're doing.

I know it's not some perfect little family that most people want to have, but at the same time it is his baby as much as yours, and to be honest everyone is already slating him about being a dad just because it was a really bad relationship.

You just need to give your baby a chance rather than him of knowing her daddy and having her daddy be there for her without any trouble. The trouble going on is between you two and should not affect the baby or the relationship your little girl has with her dad.

You only need to focus on being a mum and dealing with the baby now rather than focussing on your ex and what he's doing with his life.

I really hope you've not taken this comment the wrong way, I am just talking from experience and I admit I was horrible at the time, and everything just turned around and bit me in the arse.

I think you both need to get a grip, and draw a line and be civil with one another for the sake of the baby because that's one thing you both have in common and have to prioritize above everything else, even the bitterness you have towards him.

Good luck with your pregnancy. :)

Darnsarfupnorf · 01/02/2011 16:25

Thanks sadisticlies but i cant have him around if hes just going to keep letting us down. speaking of which he just txt to say hes not coming to NCT tonight.

Im being civil, tolerant, not dragging up the past etc. he knows how desperate i am for him to be a dad thats why ive taken his shit for so long but ive had enough now and im starting a fresh

at the end of the day i dont expect to be his priority (i expect the baby to be but not me) but i at least expect to be somewhere on his priority list and im not so im not hanging round for this support im being promised if im not going to get it.

im never ever going to stop him being a dad or being part of her life but its gonna have to be from a far, for my own sanity more than anything

ive started a positive thread on lone parents and ive got whole new outlook :)

OP posts:
sadisticlies · 01/02/2011 16:34

What was his reason for not going tonight, did he give you one?

To me you already are in his priority list he does help you out and is going to help you and as I said that's more than some seperated couples would get, I got no help at all off my ex only when he came to collect our daughter when he wished to see her.

Are you deffinatly planning on moving away then? And when are you planning on doing this?

I'm sure if he's a good dad he will still keep regular contact it just wont be as much as it could be I suppose.

perfumedlife · 01/02/2011 16:45

You sound more positive Darnsarf!Smile

To be honest, if you are breastfeeding, men are not much help at night, in my experience. There isn't a lot they can do, other than get you some tea. I think you will cope just fine, with a clear head.

Sleep as much as you can when baby sleeps, to hell with the housework.

Darnsarfupnorf · 01/02/2011 17:47

Hes working, I know thats a good reason but having told me he got the time off for all the NCT sessions its just a bit pfft.

he doesnt help me, i only really speak to him on a tuesday which yea is mor than what some people get but its a lot less that others get and a lot less than i need. hes ment to be my 'main support' remember and a text on a tuesday to tell me hes not comming to a class doesnt really cut it.

Im moving as soon as i can, I dont know when thatll be yet but ill definetly be going

thanks perfumed Im sick of everything being negative and stressful and shit, im having baby it should be a good thing!
my life doesnt revolve around him it revolves around the baby and thats the way its going to stay :)

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perfumedlife · 01/02/2011 17:55

Exactly! You are about to something magnificent, you are bringing a whole little life into the world, it's amazing Grin You should be on top of the world. The second they hand you that baby, your whole life is transformed. It's the biggest high ever, just wonderful. Yes, lots of work too, but none of it is grudged, you love them that much.

Time for you to get planning, and base those plans on you plus baby, he doesn't really come into them. At least that way, nothing is lost. I am glad you are going to move, fresh start and more help is exactly what you need. Keep posting x

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 18:28

thank goodness you seem to have had your lightbulb moment, OP

good luck with that lovely new baby x

Darnsarfupnorf · 02/02/2011 00:07

anyfucker it had to come sometime, i knew it would it was just waiting for me to drive myself mad enough!

perfumed i cant wait to get into my baby bubble :) and i cant wait to meet her and see what kind of person she grows into!

Thanks for the advice everyone, whether you agreed with me or telling me i was being a twat, i think i just needed someone to listen and give me a completely unbiased opinion and thats exactly what you did Grin
even though it was like banging your heads against a brick wall we got there in the end and i couldnt have done it without all of you Grin xxx

OP posts:
Darnsarfupnorf · 17/02/2011 19:03

He came with me to the midwife today, threw a strop because I told him that the baby wouldnt be staying at his house if when he moves in with skank. dont know why he thought itd be any different to last time when we fell out about this.

she sent me a message 'trying to be friends' so now he thinks the sun shines out of her arse again

fuck em both, she can play her mind game and he can throw his strops but im not rising to it, ill be out of it soon

OP posts:
Darnsarfupnorf · 19/02/2011 17:58

got a message from her kickin off earlier, i replied, regret it now but im hormonal and it got to me.

wrote him a letter, from them messages its ovb some wires have got crossed somewhere so im clearin it up at my end so any problems with communication are between them not me

shes takin it out on his mam now which isnt fair, trust her to make a bad situation even worse. ive not replied to the last message, thats when i wrote the letter

feel sorry for her, shes obviously jelous and insecure and scared of losing him, god knows why

will be out of it soon, cant wait :)

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