why oh why oh why!?

[Darnsarfupnorf]

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

He will keep treating you like shit as long as you let him treat you like shit but you already know that!

You can do this on your own. It's hard but it's a lot easier when you don't have all the unhappiness of being in a really bad relationship.

just questioned him about the facebook thing, he admitted he was with her yesterday with a few other friends, he said theyre just friends so i told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever lets her weasle her way into any of our lives again ill be on the train to my parents with the baby quicker than he can say 'you dont know her like i do'
i can almost deal with his 'ways' as he is but there is NO WAY hes bringing that nasty, selfish girl into my life or my babys life

You are selling yourself too cheap here. He is playing with you and enjoying the attention -- imagine, a fairly worthless man now has two women fighting over him. What an ego boost.

Any time he needs a top up to the ego all he has to do is yank one chain or the other and BINGO...

Pack up and go back to your family. If he wants to have anything more to do with you, make him do the running.

The one thing he won't be able to stand is your indifference to him. The one thing you need here is to be free of this situation and to stop focusing on him. And even more than you, your child (soon to be children) needs a mother who is not behaving like a needy child herself.

The more I read OPs like this the more I wish the sperm count of men was related to the maturity of their brains.

Fuckwit style thinking should result in sterility.

OP you sound like you are able to be honest and realistic about the situation, which is a hell of a lot more than I could do when I was 19 (or.. ..older). So I am confident that when you lose this energy sapping dead weight from your life you will be fine.

Don't punish yourself for wanting to go back to him, but realise that it will only delay your healing. You deserve a gazillion times better than him, but you need to make space in your life for love for yourself. IME there's something about dysfunctional men that makes you think you need/want/can't live without them, when the opposite is in fact true. You'll be so much freer and happier without him taking your energy and attention which should be going to you and your child.

Can you move back to your family for support?

mathanxiety theres only 1 child, im pregnant with my first!

nightsky i love that! shame it cant work like that and shame it always seems to be them that get us into these situations but hey! what doesnt kill you...

sadandandgry ive had to do a lot of growing up over the last 6 months, one of us has to be mature and i need to do the best for baby. its not about me anymore. my main concern is him being involved with his child for her sake not his. i know he can be a good dad and i dont want to deprive her of the chance to have that but on the other hand i dont want to be responsible for her getting hurt and messed around by him because ive not had the guts to stand up to him.
with his ex possibly back in the mix i know its not going to end well so i think moving away might be best for both of us (me and baby). i dont want his mum to miss out either though as shes been a big support to me when he hasnt but i figure that baby will be better off where im happiest and i think if hes going back to his ex then itll be back near my parents

I think that you're right in thinking the baby will be better off with a happy mum. And if his mother wants to be involved, or him even, then there's plenty of time in the future. But give yourself a year (or even more) to be supported by your family and enjoy being a mum.

think i might do that :) see how the next few months go, if he behaves ill stay up here til after shes born then decide.

sorry teaandcake seem to have completely ignored your post!
i have a lot more friends where i live now as most of my friends from home are away at uni. im at uni now and am taking a gap year to be with baby, one of my friends is a SAHM so shes happy to have her anytime i need :)my mum has offered to stay for a few weeks but i told her no as i wanted to try and get to grips with it myself, im gonna have to sometime! mind you when i said that i knew id have the support of babys dad which may well not be the case now i live in a rented house now and will hopefuly be housesharing with a friend whos baby mad so will be more than keen to babysit for me and help out! when i get back im going to go to the job center to ask about benefits etc (hate the thought of being on benefits but needs must) hopefuly ill be ok money wise, not rich by any means but able to get by. exOH was ment to be my birth partner and know he still wants to be but if his ex is back in the picture i cant rely on him to be there (shes very good at getting in the way of things) ill ask the midwife about homestart, thanks :)

Whoops, Darnsarfupnorf thought this was your second apologies.

You will need reliable support when you have the baby and you will find you have absolutely no patience for all this drama when you're faced with the challenges of dealing with new motherhood. Any hurt this man delivers to your baby and child as she or he grows up you will feel as if it was a knife to your own heart and will go far towards curing you of emotional dependence on him.

If he wants to be thought of as a good father then he will have to behave like one. Please don't waste time pushing a square peg into a round hole here. If he's not cut out for it, let him go. He is already showing big red flags that he is not by messing around and creating all this heartache in your life at this time when he should be squarely beside you and taking care of both you and the baby. Far from this, he is actively causing you grief. The one who will really suffer here if he is not good father material is the baby.

If you're able when your break is up, throw yourself into your university course 100% and get back on track.

true. maybe i'm wasting my time he obviously has no respect for me and no sence of whats best for his child. if he does let her back in then its just complete selfishness on his part, hes already started to defend her! after the truely unforgivable things shes done and hes admitted they horrendous and hes still blind and selfish enough to forget about it and make excuses for her!

i cant put myself through that again by just standing by and letting him do it to me

if he wants to be a dad he has to do th running, im sick of being the one who puts the effort in, hes bought her loads of stuff and for a while got really into being a dad but i told him that its not all about buying things for her.

i hate the thought of depriving her of a dad but if i do itll because i think its best for her, no dad is better than a shit dad right?

JustForThisOne ARE YOU FOR REAL? What would possess you ask "is this thread for real?" it sounds pretty ignorant. This OP is obviously feeling very insecure and is also heavily pregnant and needs support not someone jumping in saying such idiotic things.She may feel like she has no sense of direction right now but I think thats pretty f-ing obvious. Speaking from my own experience I know she is dreaming of nothing more than a fairytale that will never be true and right now she is pretty devastated and needs support and guidance.
OP you do need the support of your family and in time (when your baby is born or sometime soon after) you will realise what a waste of space this man is and how little you need him in your childs life. If there is any way that you can move back in to your parents for a while while you are new with your baby I would do it. When your baby is a few months old and you have adjusted you will find it almost impossible not to want your own independence with your child. I agree with Tea that counselling for yourself would be a great move right now.

thanks breakfree :)

i really dont know whats best atm, i really want to give him a chance to be a dad and to do the right thing but at the same time my gut feeling says that hes just to immature and as a result to selfish and...insecure i guess...to be a good dad. i cant know for sure til i give him the chance can i but i know that if his ex is involved then its only going to end badly

of course the more this is pointed out to him the less likely he is to do the right thing.

im painting a lovely picture of him arent i? lol. i know i sound really naive and daft saying it after saying all that but i know hes got the potential to be a really good dad

I'm a bit confused. In your opening post you said he dumped you on New Years Eve and then you said you pulled him up for being with ex on facebook a few days later. Did you get back with him? Or are you thinking that him wanting to be there for the baby means you are a couple again?

the thing is that the ex caused a lot of problems between me and him when they were together. shes very clever and maanipulative and did everything she could to come between me (and his baby) and him while playing the victim so she could have her all to himself.

when we got back together after they split up she went spare and sent yet more threats about what shed do to me if she ever saw me etc (probly empty threats but you dont need it when your pregnant, do you?)

it was like something off jeremy kyle it was horrendous. he wasnt inocent by any means but shes a real nasty piece of work.

if he lets her back into his life shell do exactly the same again and he wont see it..again and im going to look like the paranoid, jelous ex..again

i just want my baby to have a dad

ive come to realise that the key is in him growing up, i dont know how i can make him realise this without him going in a mood...i know you cant make someone grow up but there must be a way of...encouraging it i guess? or making him see?

I think I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of mathanxiety and others on here. But I will say that even when I was married and things were good between my H and I, I still accepted my mums help for the first 2 weeks after the baby was born as I recovered from labour and the baby settled into home life and my mum was an absolute star. If you think your mum would be, do take her up on her offer.

I would find a good birth partner who can attend the antenatal class with you at the hospital beforehand, a good girlfriend or whatever, not your ex boyfriend tbh. But that's just my opinion.

Take care Darnsarf x

I agree with Tea, I took my sister in with me although ex was hanging around the hosp like a bad smell. He messed me up pretty badly over the first few mths of DS life showing up whenever he felt like it, promising me the world, promising financial help with the baby etc. I never saw a penny and I was fed up with him messing with my head. Eventually when I hit him with a court summons for maintenance he vanished never to be seen or heard from again.
Really, if you have family you love. Go to them. You and your baby will need you strong and the love of your family a lot more than some deadbeat dad.

The way to encourage it is to step right out of the set up he has made for the three of you (including the ex), go home to your family, and make yourself and the baby scarce. Then refuse to be drawn in ever again. What I'm saying here is end the relationship. Do not give him any more chances to hurt you.

Stop blaming the nasty/whatever ex of his for his immaturity and poor choices. It's nothing to so with her. It's all his fault. Frankly they sound like a lovely couple. You can't make someone grow up. You can't make someone love you or choose you over someone else. You can't make someone see what he doesn't want to see. He now has a chance to express whatever love he may feel for you and he is messing it up spectacularly.

You say you know he would be a great dad. If he was interested in being a great dad, then he would be. But he is not interested. A great dad supports the mother of his child and does not put her through an emotional wringer while she is pregnant with his child. You know only what you see with your own eyes really -- that he is off playing games with you with his ex. This does not suggest that he is in any way a potentially great dad. What it suggests to me is that he is a man who likes to have two women catfighting over him. It's all about him and his ego. This is the opposite of 'great dad'.

Then when the baby is born, do not put him on the bc.

thanks for the advice guys :)

heres an update:

tonight he phoned (on my request) because i was stressing myself out assuming things, imagining worst case senarios etc etc from not really know what was going on

he admitted to wanting to get back with her and talking to her about getting back together going on to admitt that they were more or less back together

i told him that id be moving back home completely removing myself and the baby from the situation before it spirals into the hell it was before. i calmly explained my reasons and that i would never stop him being a dad and that although we would be a long way away i want him to still be a big part of her life and he can visit as much as he wants (this way he has to make the effort)

after much disscussion we came to the comprimise of me not moving til babys born if he puts off getting back with her til i move (i know this is unlikely to happen and wont change anything but my main priority is to avoid the poisonous mess we got into before during what will be one of the most special/stressful times of my life)

have i done the rigght thing? how is anyone ment to make a desision like this? how can i actively deprive my child of her daddy when i dont actualy know what kind of dad hes going to be?

nothings decided for certain and it could all change as is has many times over the last 7 months but at least this time ive grown the balls to stand up to him

i dont want to leave my friends but i think in the long run itll be so much better for me and the baby to just be away from all the shit that i will enevetably be dragged through while he does his own sweet thing

I don't think you have done the right thing. Atall. When the new baby arrives, the last thing you will have energy/time for will be a house move. And he is already back with her, surely you can see that? So, if she was clingy before, she is likely to be just as bad now.

I think you are still in exactly the same position.

No -- you have added potentially immeasurable stress to your life up until your baby is born when all you should be doing is making it as simple and as supportive for you as you can. Move back asap to the people who love you and will be there for you, and do not waste any more time trying to make this loser like you.

He will do his own sweet thing, of that you can be sure.

For the first few years of her life your baby will only need you. She will need a mum who is able to focus on her and is not depressed and angry and anxious about a man who gives her nothing but grief. Get over this man and save your emotional energy for your baby. She needs you more than she needs her unreliable father . She needs your undivided attention.

Please believe this man when he says he has already got back with the ex:
...'he admitted to wanting to get back with her and talking to her about getting back together going on to admit that they were more or less back together' - he doesn't even respect you enough to tell you the straight up truth. They are firmly back together, on that you may bet the farm.

How supportive do you think he is going to be when you go into labour and the ex doesn't want him going to the hospital with you? Who do you think he will choose? (As I think Perfumedlife is saying).

Go home and gather real support around you. If you stay where you are you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and possibly serious PND or other issues. Things can get very real and very ugly very fast when a baby arrives.

The most important thing here is that you STOP thinking that you would be 'depriving' your child of a daddy. Seriously. He is the ONLY person who can give his daughter a dad, and that has to be his choice. You cannot make him do it.

So you need to do what's best for you and your child. Move away. Disengage from this mess, and the emotional games he's playing. Emphasise that he's welcome to visit his daughter, that way it is up to HIM if he sees her or not.

Oh and stop focusing on his ex. She is almost completely irrelevant here. The fact is this 'man' is a complete fuckwit! I should point out that my DP was 25 when DS was born and is a great father. DP is now 27 and we're expecting our second child. I can't believe he's the same age as this twatbag who's messing you around!

Please cut your losses. Speaking from experience its highly unlikely he is going to turn into Mr Perfect if he can't even be considerate while you are pregnant!

Sounds like he dumps you each time your pregnant

Was similar situation [not being dumped whilst pregnant] but EX, treated me like shit, the more he did to me, the more I wanted him. He was totally disrespectful, cheated of my while I was pregnant. He ripped up my money from my purse, to stop me going out with the girls [ we were not even together when he did this]. He would go to work on a Friday, and not come home until sunday. If I went out over the weekends, everytime I would see him out

Would love to say he is the best father in the world since we split, when he has not got plans he is great, but if he has my DS, and a mate turns up and wants to go out, he drops my son, and out the door he goes, leaving my DS with his g/f,been doing this to him for 5years or so. My son loves his father dearly so I feel I can not stop the contact.

Also, just to let you know, I really struggled walking away from this relationship, it was one of the hardest things I have done,even though he was no good, and anyone with an inch of sense would have kicked his ass into touch.

A bit of comfort though, he still has not changed from being vile to his partners, he is cruel and nasty to his now g/f, theses males [will not call him a man] will NEVER change, no matter what relationship they are in

thanks guys,

ive talked to my parents and theyre very supportive etc, going to talk to ex again later, dont know what ekse there is to say but he wanted to so maybe hes thought of something else

will update later if anyth4ing major is discussed

i know im kidding myself by trying to do things this way but at least if i do this then i know ive given him every chance i could

Why are you going to just wait to see what he has to say, see what he's thought of now?

He's like some shiny object that has you mesmerised.