why oh why oh why!?

[Darnsarfupnorf]

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

I bow to you superior knowledge as always Anyfucker and l will bow out and leave this thread.

Good luck with your DD Darns, l wish you both well but l fear that with Dumb and Dumber in her life she doesn't have a hope in hell..

ah, don't be daft, doha

lovin' the Dumb and Dumber comparison

what did I say page one and was even told off
tze tze

The OP is genuine though I believe She just made the mistake of showing the thread to her ex boyfriend in the hope he'd think about things and instead it backfired and his girlfriend came on and hi-jacked the thread.

I don't want to judge her too harshly as I wasn't exactly wise when younger, but if she sticks around mumsnet once the baby is born she'll get great advice.

OP I hope you're ok. You can name change and start a new thread if you still need support x

thanks teaandcake :) x

How'd it go?

went ok, we actualy talked properly without shouting or crying!
hes still really upset obviously but i think now ive had a chance to explain properly hes starting to understand and all this kicking off on here mightve made something click i think but who knows. wether it was the fact that it did kick off or that hes read what was said i dont know.

a few of his friends have said that it migh be for the best if i go so now hes hearing it from other people hes really starting to think about it properly rather than focusing on me being an evil bitch for taking his baby away

hope it carries on like this but we'll have to see, this has all happened before so im not getting my hopes up just yet because all it takes is for someone to say the wrong thing and its all up in the air again

as long as we all act like adults and agree that we need to do whats best for the baby it should be ok crosses fingers

Sounds like things are still up in the air and undecided. I notice you use "we" alot, which is admirable as he's the babys father, but maybe you'll need to be strong and make an executive decision. Just remember to not make your decision based on fear alone, those are always our worst choices

very true, but the only other things to go on are experience and gut feeling...is that enough?

i dont think things will ever be decided til i finaly move tbh and even then that wont be the end of it will it

i just dont understand how he can be so obviously upset but still wont grow up and be responsible enough to do anything about it, so frustrating!

Holy hell! What a thread & a half. Darnsarfupnorf you posted on my thread so I had a little read of yours.

Me & my baby's dad were happy until I got pregnant. He got scared & left for a while.

He hadn't spoken to his ex who is now his gf for 4 years before he was with me. She heard through some mutual friends that he was having a baby with another woman (me) and suddenly got in touch with him again. She pretended not to know he was having a baby & called under the excuse of "how are you, how you been?"

A month later they were back together. Mysteriously. After not speaking for years. After finding out he was having a baby with another woman.

I would call her a home-wrecking slag but one thing I've learnt about men, they are simple creatures. They do what they want. They cannot be stolen away by another girl if they didn't want to be stolen.

I was in the exact same situation while I was pregnant. I never threatened him with moving away or staying away, I never once replied to his ex or engaged myself in a banter with her, but I DID wish that he would be with me instead.

I DID wish that he would be with me & my son every day, for my little boy to have his daddy with him & I convinced myself that this was the most important thing, for my son to have his father.

So take it from the voice of somebody not much older than you (I'm 22) who is in the EXACT same situation - be careful what you wish for.

I couldn't mean this with any more of my heart.

My son is 4 months old now & I've just begun to learn some things.

Number 1 is that for as long as me & my son are in the picture, this girl will ALWAYS ALWAYS be on the other side of him. She came back to claim her property. He'll never be with me. Any interest he has is purely in my son. My feelings for him will never be returned.

Number 2 is that having his baby didn't magically make him want me. We share a love for our son but that's all. I thought that once the baby was here, he would see how great our family could be & he'd fall for me. He didn't.

Number 3 is that men be with who they want to be with. No amount of threatening, bargaining or pleading will make him change his mind. I was confused as to why he didn't care that I was hurting, I slagged him off for not considering my feelings, until someone pointed out that his interest was in my son, not me.

Your guy will probably love his daughter and prioritize her, but spying on his facebook and confronting him about it, arguing with his gf, black mailing him with moving away - you're lowering yourself. Prove your not a bullshitter, prove your not what shivo says about you - make a decision and stick to it. Please don't hold out hope for a relationship with this man because trust me it won't happen.

I've just started seeing somebody, slowly and cautiously, and guess what....it drives my ex crazy!!! He listens to tales of my latest date with my new guy with a clenched jaw and a forced smile. He's suddenly started texting all the time, just to "see how I am," me, not how our son is. I'm enjoying spending time with a kind, uncomplicated man, but it feels great to know my ex is suffering just a little because of it.

Men by nature want what they can't have. So don't be so available. Be strong, put yourself first and your baby, make decisions for yourself, let his antics wash over you.

Trust me, in 6 months you'll thank yourself for it.

Much love. x x x

LittleBeth53 what a lovely post

aww littlebeth thankyou :) thats actualy bought a tear...damn hormones!!

the decision about the move is final now and he knows that, i just hope that because he knows it is itll mean he puts less effort into the next few weeks before i go, but if he does then thats his choice, ill have to be without him at some point.

i know what you mean though, it would be so easy to blame her for everything and, like with your, she is a big part of the problem but it is him at the end of the day, hes letting this happen, hes putting getting his end away before being a dad and hes the one whos missing out on his daughters life, not me.

as long as he pays his maintinence and i dont cut him out completely and stop him being a part of the babys life then i hope we can make it work, albeit long distance

thankyou for the lovely message and the honesty and i hope it all works out for you and your DS and that we can both keep following our own advice

xxx

Darnsarf, you need to love your baby more than you love your ex. Stop giving him chance after chance to fuck you over. Go home to people that care about you, remove yourself from this soap opera. He might end up being an OK dad , but he's a terrible boyfriend to any of the women in his life.
Don't discuss maintenence and access directly with him. Go through a third party - perhaps one of your parents would agree to being the buffer between you and him for a while. You need to separate out your feelings for him from the parenting of your child.
Definitely go to the CSA with regards to maintenence. Any agreement you come to with him privately would last about 30 seconds leaving your child high and dry.

yeahbut i might do that, thankyou :)
and i know your right, i really do, my new years resolution was to stop being a door mat and thats exactly what im trying to do :)

these 'threats' of moving as far as im concerned are promises and i owe it to myself and my daughter to see them through. i owe him nothing and have to keep telling myself that

Remember something - at the end of the day, he goes home to a nagging gf (She calls when he's with me & demands he goes to see her, when he says he's with his son, she hangs up on him.) But he has nice nights with her too, they go on dates, they have sex, they hold hands in public, they have weekend breaks. All of this hurts.

BUT, I wake up & the first thing I do is look into my sons basket next to my bed & EVERY morning without fail, he breaks into an enormous, ear to ear grin when he first sees me, sometimes I could cry with happiness at that smile. Every single day he does it. Last thing at night I stroke his face and kiss his forehead before I go to sleep.

It took a long time to get to this point, the first 6 weeks of my son's life were hell, but now I wouldn't trade that one morning smile for anything, not to be with him again, not to make love to him again, not even to kiss him one last time.

Your ex will be with his gf and they'll probably be happy together. BUT, you'll get your beautiful daughter every single day, you'll get her smiles and her laughs, you'll get to kiss the bottom of her feet a hundred times a day if you want like I do with my son! Lol! Trust me, you are not missing out, you are not the one who's losing everything, you are the one with EVERYTHING to gain.

I thought my ex was the only guy in the world for me, I didn't even want to get over him. But he isn't everything. Your ex isn't the only guy in the world. You WILL meet someone like I have. You'll be happy, I'm positive of it.

:)

Oh and do not, DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. If you only listen to one thing I've said, please please let it be that.

When it came to registering my baby, I was with his father and it broke my heart not to put him on the birth cert. And he begged, he pleaded, he even cried once and said that it was important to him to feel like a validated parent, it was best for our son to look at his birth certificate and see both our names, that having a blank space where the fathers details should be didnt look nice.

And it ripped my heart out to not put him on it, but something inside me KNEW that something would go wrong some day down the line. So I didn't register his details on the birth cert.

I breathe a sigh of relief about that every day.
I have all the rights to my son, I say who sees him and when, he has no legal rights to my child.
Please please don't put him on the birth cert. Don't let yourself be talked into it. xx

you just keep getting lovelier! x

ive got 9 weeks and 4 days left and i really cant wait! ive been dreading it for 30 weeks (mainly because of them) but now its so close and im folding her new clothes into her drawers, thinking and rethinking my name choice and reading your beautiful posts.

thankyou for making this thread positive and making me look forward to my baby, although ive never regretted my decision to keep her this pregnancys just been assosiated with hurt and anger but listening to someone in the same position who sounds so genuinly happy gives me so much hope :)

its not the wanting him back or loving him because all that changed when we actualy got back together and i realised it wasnt what i wanted, its being regected by him. i know i dont need to explain it to you, you know exactly how i feel.

so truely, thankyou :)
now im going to post on your thread xx

oh and im in 2 minds about the birth cert, ill definetly keep that advice in mind though :)

God trust me, my son hasn't seen his father in 4 weeks because he was too busy with his darling gf over xmas and new year, now it suits him to say, "my son this, my son that." But he can't do anything about it because he has no legal rights to my son.

I shudder to think what might have been if I had put him on the birth certificate and he had the RIGHT to come and go as he pleases. I genuinely shudder to think! x x

sounds all to familiar :(
was about to say 'we'll see what happens between now and when shes born' but no, i know he'll be amazing for the 2 weeks he gets paternity leave because she'll be new and a novelty and he'll be playing the devoted father to try and get me to stay around so he doesnt have to make the effort to travel to me to see her. see, this thread has taught me a lot and made me really wake up, i knew all these things before but now have the confidence and the sence to do something about it.

i dont know why i even considered it really, seems so logical now! after what hes done in the last year its obvious that if hes in the right frame of mind nothing is to low.

not being on the birth cert isnt going to effect his ability of being a dad and doesnt change the fact that he is so lets add it to the list of shitty things ive got to do that im gonna hate and hes gonna hate but i have to do for my own piece of mind!

That's what happened with me. My son's dad was amazing for the first couple of months.

Then after a while I started getting texts, "man united are playing, I'll pop round later instead of my ususal time," and "it's my mates birthday party, I'll swing round tomorrow instead of today." He had no regard for the fact that I might have made plans for later in the day or that "after the match" wasn't convinient for me.

It ripped me up going to the registry office without him but it was the best thing for me and my son not putting him on it. He got over it and now we have a private agreement, it hasn't stopped him being my son's father, it's jut given me that little bit of extra security and peace of mind. I know he'll never get shirty with me or start calling the shots because he has no right to.

It sounds awful but I've taken enough of his crap for a couple of years now and its my own little guarantee that for once, things go the way I would like them too, for once he toes the line for me and my son instead of the other way around. x x x

I have 2 words, CHRIST ALIVE! That's it really. >runs

This thread reads like a very poor episode of Shameless

thanks...