why oh why oh why!?

[Darnsarfupnorf]

Do I keep going back to him?!

im usualy quite a strong person, will speak my mind and assert myself when i need to so why when it comes to now ex (again!) OH am i such an idiotic pushover?!

hes treated me like shit over the last 18 months (see several other threads lol) hes messed me around, broken my heart, abandoned me when his new girlfriend threw a paddy about how much time we were spending together (i was pregnant with his cghild and barely saw him), together with her generaly made my life hell until he saw sence and fucked her off.

i (stupidly) took him back even though i knew it was wrong, hes not acted like a boyfriend at all over the last 3 months, avoiding sex and general physical contact, not replying to texts etc etc, ignored me from boxing day til new years eve even though i sent many frantic texts/left messages worried about the baby but to top it off he finnished with me at 11.30 on new years eve!!

im now 7 months pregnant and am just at a loss!! i was gonna say why does he think he can treat me like this but its because i let him...why do i let him!!?? why am i not furious with him for treating me like this?!

why am i so scared of being on my own? :(

You deserve better and your DC deserves better.
Stop rying to rely on this man-he obviously wants to be with his ex and l am sure (not) she will be happy to hang around waiting for your DC to be born so they can get back together.
You are in cloud cukcoo land.
After your Dc is born you will be so hormonal that for a while you wont be completly rational . How do you think you will feel after Dc arrives when he says ok l have stayed single as promised, now l am going back to ex
Do you think you could quickly pack up and go back to your parents.
Do the moving now and get your support network in place so that you can have a stress free period before and after DC is born.
Let him do the running after you that will reveal just how keen he is to be a dad

PLEASE OP - read my post, 4 up from this

You post hit home with me massively

And Im happy and smiling 5 years on

'trouble with him is that the more you tell him the less likely he is to do it. if hes got any sence or respect for me he'll do the right thing but i cant help thinking me and the baby are the ones who are going to suffer'

This is from an earlier post.

The only way you and the baby will suffer is if you continue to have this man in your lives. Without him you and the baby will get along fine. Your lives will be uncomplicated. With him there will be nothing but what you're getting now.

Have you given any thought to getting counselling for yourself? It would be well worth finding a counsellor (maybe through your college) to examine why you want a man who is clearly not a decent man, not an available man, and not a faithful man even when you were together, and why you think your baby needs to be put through the wringer too.

Would you still want him or want a relationship with him if it wasn't for the baby? If yes, then you definitely need counseling. If no, then this is not a man you want messing up your baby's life.

This whole business is not a competition between you and the horrible ex over who is the better woman, with the loser as the prize for whichever one of you 'wins'.

This is now about the best way and the best circumstances to bring up a baby who didn't ask to be dragged into any of this. She needs a man like this in her life like she needs a pair of high heeled boots right now.

im back from my parents tomorow so we're going to meet up and discuss maintnance etc

its easier uni/house/birth wise to stay for a few more months, wether im involved with him or not its better off if i stay til after shes born. i know the move will come at a stressfull time but itll be a lot easier in the long run.

ex has said that he will wait til i go til he gets back with her so we can concentrate on baby and i figure that if he at least sees her and gets to spend time wit her after shes born then he'll make more effort when we move (i know im dreaming here but at least this way i know in my head that ive given him every chance i could, youll all disagree but thats how its working in my head) the second he gets back with her im cutting him out and will only talk to him to let him know ive given birth and that ive moved.

i know youll all disagree but at the moment this seems the best way, taking all the other parts of my life into considerration

What a horrible situation for you. How is this man going to be concentrating on the baby while he's itching to get back with his ex and knows he can do so when the baby is born? You will be living with a man who is counting the days til he can be rid of you. How utterly soul-destroying for you.

I think you are still hoping that you can win over this sorry arse of a man by hanging around and counting on the baby somehow working some magic. The person you are giving a second chance here is you, and the chance is to finally win this man, and defeat the ex.

There is no money saving on your house or convenience factor that would be worth what you have decided to do here. It comes across as very desperate and smacks of a complete lack of self respect. There are men out there who can smell that and then hone in on it, and until you get it sorted you will end up being used and discarded time and time again by them just as this one is doing.

we wont be living together until hes on his paternity leave.
im not kidding myself into thinking theres going to be a happy ending, whatever happens with her i know getting his end away and having his own way is more important to him than being a dad thats why im moving before it gets nasty. but yea, caused by a complete lack of respect for myself and sheer desperation for my child to have her daddy.

BUT i dont think id ever be happy in my own mind if i hadnt done this. if i left before he got a chance to meet her (his own fault i know)but it would forever bug me that she might have a different relationship with him if id done it my way. i know youll all disagree with me on this, my parents do, and your probly all right but i think i need to at least try. for my own piece of mind more than anything.

please dont get me wrong i dont want a relationship with this man i just want to make sure my daughter has every chance at having a daddy, he wants to be a dad and has been really actively involved the last few months despite obviously not giving 2 shits about me.

OMG. He has the nerve to take paternity leave?

He has the responsibility to make sure your DD has a father. Not you. It won't kill him to step up and take the bus or get on his bike to see her. Or maybe it will. Either way, you can't force him to do anything decent about his daughter. It's up to HIM. NOT YOU.

You being there didn't make him stay with you, did it? What makes you think he will do anything right by his child just because she is right there under his nose? You are taking a huge chance here that he will be a good dad and depriving yourself of loving support just at the time you will need it most.

As far as I can see, you are really using this baby as bait to keep this man tied to you. And what if he does suddenly have some sort of conversion and decides he will be the best, most hands-on dad that ever walked the earth? Again, you are not in control of how he responds when the baby arrives. Worst case scenario here - he wants to take her to his home for weekend visitation every two weeks with the nasty ex there playing stepmother. Has that prospect crossed your mind? How would you feel if he insisted on that? Are you willing to share your precious baby with this nasty woman? Because he could insist on having her to stay with him. And it looks as if the ex will be there.

It's better for your child to have no father than one who feels a grudging sense of responsibility for her, or feels she's a burden.

Please get yourself a one way ticket out of there and leave soon. Take your parents' advice and go home.

I'm with Maths on this, unfortunately that secnario does happen a lot and is seen on mumsnet Hard to hear this stuff but she speaks so much sense.

You are only fooling yourself op. If he wants to be a wonderful daddy he will move heaven and earth to be so. A few hundred miles won't stop him, it didn't stop my dh and he had to cross countries to see his son.

The other scenario is also a real possibility, the ex and gf taking your daughter for weekends and god knows what you will feel then, especially if gf is as bad as you fear.

I cannot stress to you enough just how hard the new motherhood time is. It knocks you sideways, no matter how much you prepare. If you found this mess unbearable a week ago, you cannot begin to know how much worse it is with a newborn, sleep deprivation, hormones and no loving family by your side.

Go home, please. It makes no difference to me in real terms if you stay or go, but as one woman to another, one mother to another, get the best start for you, not just baby, and be with people who love you.

Darnsarfufupnorf - I forgot to say, you sound incredible mature for your age.

That in mind, whatever the outcome with babys dad, your baby is going to be loved dearly, happy and have a fab mum

Goodluck for the future x

welshbyrd thankyou :)

everyone else thanks for the advice, im back from my parents now so hes going to come round soon and have the horrendous chat that ive been avoiding! mainly because i dont want to let him see me cry and ive managed to keep it in during our phone conversations but i dont think my hormones will let me when its face to face!
hes pretty keen to sort his mainenance payments out which is good in a way but i cant help thinking its just to butter me up a bit! from experience though i know that hes a nob but a nob with a concience esspecialy where the babys concerned...not enough to be a good dad though obviously!

things are going ok at the minute, we spoke last night on the phone (he was looking after my house and rabbit while i was away so he was letting me know everything was ok and telling me the weather forcast etc) but we really need this chat to get everything out and let eachother know where we stand etc

im still moving away, he knows that and thats not going to change. not sure when itll be yet but itll be as soon after babys born as i can physicaly manage!

also, completely off topic but im watching a program about a family with 17 kids!! and shes pregnant again!! to think im worrying about !!

Ugh my ex sounds like yours. I was 18 when we got together and he was 23. I got pregnant 9 months in and was constantly thinking he's a good guy really, he'll grow up when we get our own place... when the baby's born... when he stops drinking... when he gets used to being a Dad...

Um yeah then I gave up on him and moved out when DS was about age 1. 3 months later he met a girl in a club and got her pregnant pretty much the same week (apparently this was planned ) - baby is 2 weeks old tomorrow and DS hasn't even met his brother yet :( XP was really keen to sort maintenence out, arrange access visits, used to text constantly asking how DS was (until I asked him not to) - and slowly it dwindled to nothing. Never sends any money. Constantly cancels visits at the last minute because he's "ill" or his girlfriend is, or her DD, or their new baby. He used to see him two out of every three days that he was supposed to, until I got a new boyfriend, and now it's one in three.

A friend commented that maybe guys take longer to grow up than girls do. I said no - he's 27, nearly 28. He's always going to be this immature. All the guys I know now who are my age or younger (at uni) think that my ex is an immature twat who doesn't know the meaning of the word responsibility.

Stand firm and don't let the bugger mess you around :)

are you sure its not the same person?! even down to the stupidly quick 'planned' pregnancy (with the ex hes got back with known affectionatly between me and my friends as skank :p)

same age, same problems, same attitude...reasuring to know its not just me who has one to deal with but what is wrong with these 'men'?!

Oh god, probably, although his current GF thinks the sun shines out of his arse and he doesn't have another girl pregnant at the moment (as far as I know?!) so I don't think so. We are neither down south or up north anyway, we're in the midlands

Currently annoyed with him since he told me on Friday he couldn't have DS because the baby was ill, but should be okay for Sunday, so I told DS as he was going to bed that he had to go to sleep as he was seeing Daddy tomorrow, only to come down and find a FB message from XP saying the baby is still unwell and not sleeping (It's 2 weeks old! What did they expect it's sleeping to be like?!) and he can't have DS tomorrow either :( So DS' brother is going to be 3 weeks old before he even meets him.

Luckily DS was more interested in his bedtime stories than any mention of Daddy so I don't think he'll be too disappointed but it's still shit.

aww poor lad (your DS not ex lol)
im dreading that tbh cus more likely than not he'll loose interest when somethin better comes along though whats better than his own daughter i dont know...

im from the midlands, yey! but not living there lol will be though after bubbas born

lol at the 2 week old not sleeping! well...duh!

FUCKIN FUMING!!!!!

was writing my 'ex is a twat' diary i started the first time the sht hit the fan incase we had to go to court an i went on his face book which i havent done for a while to see when it was i discovered she was 'back in his life' only to discove that theyre back together!!! (que many 'told you so's')

rang him earlier in a panic to tel him about pains ive been having all day (rang NHS direct and waiting for the call back so dont worry)and he told me he couldnt come round because he was at a friends birthday party (which he was at with her!) but if i needed to go to hospital he could get away

ERGH!!!!! he said he wanted to tell me to my face and was planning on comming round tomorow (bulshit) to tell me and didnt want me to find out before hed told me (didnt do a very good chance of hiding it)

IM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT HIM!!! one last chance, gone! and he doesnt even care

so go on, let rip with the 'i told you sos' i deserve it

forgot to mention that he 'justified' staying at the party by saying "its not just anymate, ive known him for like 10 years"....well scuse me flower!! sorry for being so selfish by bothering you with something so trivial like possibly being in labour!!!

cant get through to midwife so going to hosptial in a bit, not gonna ring him. fuck him

Well I'm not saying "I told you so" but I am glad you've realised now before the baby arrives exactly how he is

Start planning for the birth of this baby with a reliable birth partner if I were you though and speak to your midwife about your plans etc.

I hope you really have seen the light now.

yea i have
dont know what im going to do now so i need a new plan of action. need to stay til the end of feb for uni so i need to think of something quick because i wont be much use to anyone after that will i

coud you defer or transfer your uni course ?

I'd defer or take a year out tbh and then pick up where you left off once the baby is old enough, some Uni's have creche facilities too.

You don't want to be packing and moving close to the end just in case, never mind how big your bump is too. You want to be settled, the baby's nursery ready and your hospital bag packed ready to go ideally imo.

thats what i mean, i want to be settled when babies born thats why i hvent just packed up and ran already
i am deffering but i finish this year on february half term, looks like im gonna be here til after shes born so im just gonna have to stik it out an keep him away til then

The last thing you need though is a house move, lots of paperwork to deal with; such as arranging tax credits, child benefit, getting her birth registered, changing address with companies etc all with a newborn.

Can you not move most of your stuff up there before she's born and then get your dad to help you with the last few bits in February? Do you see what I mean here?

Darnsarfupnorf>>>im just gonna have to stik it out an keep him away til then

that should be the easy part
(as in, he is never there anyway)