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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on online dating chat sites

613 replies

WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 10:27

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

OP posts:
tesrocks · 09/12/2010 10:45

Hello

If I was you I would do exactly what you have done so far, but I would ask him to come home asap and ask him to explain. Try and stay calm and logical.

Your gut feeling will probably tell you if he has been unfaithful and then you need to decide how best to move forward - Relate is often reccommended by MNetters.

I need to go out now but I'm sure there will be other help and advice along v soon. S x

SMulledwineS · 09/12/2010 10:51

As pp said go with your gut instinct.. My DP goes on them occasionally but I know he's not cheated. A lot of people will tell you to leave him, but do what is right for you and DCs.

I know DP goes on them, although I don't like them sites the more I complain about them the more he uses them :(

Wait for his reply and go from there :)

emmyloulou · 09/12/2010 10:57

Mulled wine why are you putting up with that Xmas Shock

That is just so sad, you don't see yourself as worth more than tha Xmas Sad.

Men going on dating sites are doing so to interact in that "way" for rl people and are 99% of the time looking for extras, I would believe he had cheated if it were me.

Sorry op I am, and 22!! She must be at least half is age eugh.

I think you need to keep calm and try and see if you can find anything else. He might not admit to stuff you can't prove. Best of luck.

MooMooFarm · 09/12/2010 11:00

wherecanIhide - just wanted to echo what others have said really.

Wait and see what he says and then try to look at the whole picture, not just what you've found out in isolation - ie has he otherwise always been a good husband over the last 21 years?

He may well not have been unfaithful in the physical sense. Lots of people have a look a those websites out of curiosity, boredom, for the thrill, whatever, and even get chatting to people. I'm not saying it's ok to do that. But IMO if that's all that's happened, he needs to realise he's betrayed your trust and been a silly boy, and there's a lot of grovelling he needs to do, but I don't think it's worth breaking up a family over.

It's one hell of a step further to actually meet somebody in RL, and obviously if he has done that, or was intending to, that is another matter entirely.

I hope this turns out to not be as bad as it could be Smile

MooMooFarm · 09/12/2010 11:05

emmyloulou I don't agree that 99% of people going on those sites are looking for 'extras'. I bet a good 50% are going on them for a sneaky snoop at the site and a bit of a laugh. My friends and I have looked at those kind of sites before - have any of us had affairs or been unfaithful? No!

The internet makes everything so easy to access, and there's every chance he was just having a sneaky look - which isn't exactly honourable, I know, but doesn't make somebody a cheating moster either.

SMulledwineS · 09/12/2010 11:07

The reason I've not left him is because of the reasons moomoo has put, he goes on out of boredom..

emmyloulou · 09/12/2010 11:34

Wow, just wow. He is bored of you so spends more and more time online with other women on dating sites, talking god knows what even though you hate it.

What has happened to this place or females in general lately, since when has his become normalised behaviour that women should just put up with, sad times.

MooMooFarm · 09/12/2010 11:44

I don't think people should put up with it and am not saying it's 'normal' to spend time online with other women and neglecting your partner.

I just wanted to make the point that lots of people have a look at those sites out of curiosity, without any intention of ever having an affair. OP just found evidence of using the site on her H's history, so she doesn't know how often he's been on there, and she doesn't know if he's done anything other than look.

If my DH was regularly spending time on those kinds of sites I wouldn't like it either, and would expect him to stop. But IMO that's a very different scenario to somebody having a quick look out of curiosity or boredom (as in whilst sitting at work eating your sandwiches!).

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 11:49

Thankyou for your replies.

He is in his early 50s and I'm in my late 30s and he has definately been going through a mid-life crisis - we've even laughed about it. He knows I don't mind him looking at porn, but this is one step too far - even if it is for an ego boost. He emailed me back (I couldn't talk to him on the phone) and said it was 'just chat'.

It's the going behind my back that is difficult and wondering if he is bored of me. I know he doesn't like my body (won't dare admit it). I'm size 14 with boobs ruined by breastfeeding - he likes young size 10, perky boobs etc.

We've had our problems (he's been impotent for years and refused to go to doctors)but I have been sooooo patient. He has gone to doctors lately and I thtought we were sorting stuff out...

Thankyou for your replies - I don't have anyone to talk to about this...x

OP posts:
Doigthebountyeater · 09/12/2010 11:54

I have looked at dating sites and have looked at the one for people looking for a fling whilst being happily married. I am just nosy! My Dh knows I do it (has even helped me get onto the married people one, laughed at me and left the room). Not all people who look at these things are looking to have an affair.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 11:56

Fair point Doigthebountyeater...its the going behind my back that is the problem and the temptation...

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 09/12/2010 11:56

WherecanIhide I'm sorry you've been having problems.

Please don't think it could be caused by you having a body that he 'doesn't like' though! So what if you are a size 14 with norman boobs? If he's in his 50's I doubt he's any kind of eyecandy with his clobber off either! Wouldn't we all say we like slim, young, perky, whatever, in theory. But relationships are about RL and love and accepting someone for what they are, aren't they?

Don't let your perfectly normal sounding body be any kind of issue or excuse in this. He needs to talk to you and also get some medical advice re the impotence. Would he agree to some counselling if he's not too good at talking things through with you?

MooMooFarm · 09/12/2010 11:57

Ha ha! I meant 'normal' boobs! Would love to know if there's such thing as 'norman' boobs though Grin Blush

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 12:00

Thankyou for the reasurance MooMooFarm. I still feel like wolloping him when I see him later. I'll suggest counselling and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 12:03

Maybe 'Norman' boobs have shields covering them or something Confused

OP posts:
garrowismylaw · 09/12/2010 12:05

OP you said you had a look at his pc because you felt something wasn't right. What made you look in first place?

SMulledwineS · 09/12/2010 12:13

Wherecanihide

Just had a thought you said he's been to the docs finally and because they're sorting things out he's 'learning' about himself again??

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 12:15

Garrowismylaw - I know I shouldn't have snooped but I had a gut feeling something wasn't quite right. Last night (can't remember what time) I went downstairs cos I woke up having a panic attack so went downstairs to calm myself down and he was on his computer and pretty much ignored me. Also, I've been waking up in the night and he hasn't been in bed in the early hours. The cheeky sod has been moaning about feeling tired - I thought he couldn't sleep due to work stress!

OP posts:
AliceWorld · 09/12/2010 12:24

People do go on them for a flirt, it's not all meeting up. So it then depends on where your boundary is for what is cheating. Personally I would see looking at porn as cheating too, so what I think would be irrelevant to you, so it depends where you draw the line. I know one of the problems for people trying to actually meet someone on dating websites, is that there are lots of people that just want to email back and forth ad nauseum and not meet.

garrowismylaw · 09/12/2010 12:38

Maybe if you are having issues re sex he is actually 'hiding' downstairs in order not to have to confront the problem IYSIM.
I remember when DH and I had som prob...I stayed up till early hours just to avoid sex, waiting for him to go to sleep first.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 12:39

SMulledwineS - been to the docs but not much luck finding tablet that works

OP posts:
Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 13:20

Looks like I'll be getting a divorce for Christmas. He phoned up half an hour ago and said said we should talk about a trial seperation - can't believe it. Feel sick to the stomach and can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
SMulledwineS · 09/12/2010 13:23

Oh no I'm so sorry :(

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 13:26

Thanks - I don't have anyone in rl to talk to and feel so alone

OP posts:
SMulledwineS · 09/12/2010 13:30

np feel free to message me if you need to talk :)