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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband on online dating chat sites

613 replies

WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 10:27

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

OP posts:
AliceWorld · 14/12/2010 19:07

Only just caught back up with this. Can't add anything anywhere near as helpful as others but firstly thinking of you and admiring the strength you are showing, and secondly what an arsehole!

Glad you are getting proper advice.

WherecanIhide · 14/12/2010 19:12

Thanks Alice x

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pink4ever · 14/12/2010 19:41

WherecanIhide-Can only repeat what others have said on here already.Do not rely on this mans word that he will keep supporting you financially. I am betting that as soon as he is out the house it will be a case of out of sight out of mind!!.Plus he will have the gold digging little trollop probably encouraging him to spend on her.
Have you contacted CAB yet? Please do so asap as you really need some professional advice.

googoomama · 14/12/2010 19:46

Hi Where - you still posting on the other thread? Been thinking about you x

WherecanIhide · 14/12/2010 20:28

Thanks pink. Hoping to go to CAB tomorrow. x

goo - trying to follow other thread (keeping my chins up and tits...well they are down rather than out) Confused x

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googoomama · 14/12/2010 20:58

Good luck - definitely go to CAB. I think you are coping amazingly well - this is such an awful situation and I think it's touched lots of people. We are all rooting for you and here when you need us xx

WherecanIhide · 14/12/2010 21:42

Thanks

having text argument. He took £25,000 against equity in the house and spent it on her. One way or the other, I'm going to end up suffering financially re this £25,000. I dread to think how complicated this could all get. I may be getting my knickers in a twist over this detail, but I REALLY resent this possibility Angry

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WherecanIhide · 14/12/2010 21:45

PS He keeps saying 'you'll need to get a job anyway. All thge people I've spoken to agree'

It's like he's suggesting it's time I pulled my weight financially because I have been a stay-at-home mom and recently studied for 3 years. This has really got me livid. Maybe I'm getting carried away...

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googoomama · 14/12/2010 21:47

What?!!!! That's appalling! You need to get to sol or CAB straight away. He CAN'T do that and you are not getting your knickers in a twist for nothing! I'm sure that he couldn't do this without your consent. Phone the bank tomorrow and tell them that you knew nothing of this. I'm so angry for you. Keep posting and let us know how it's going. Lots of hugs (although I know they won't help at the moment) x

mathanxiety · 14/12/2010 22:08

25K is a whopping amount of money. I bet there's some way you could slap a lien on his car -- or does he have personal effects you could flog, any collections, equipment of any kind, antiques, etc? Does he have life insurance he could be forced to cash?

I agree the bank needs to know about the loan, and the bank needs to tell you any more information he may have omitted. You will need proper legal advice on whether you're jointly liable for the loan.

And who are all the people he has spoken to about you getting a job? This man is bullying you. On top of everything else, he has the gall to bully you. He's hinting very clearly that he will not actually support you or for the children and will only look out for himself. He needs a solicitor's letter up the backside pdq.

Alouiseg · 14/12/2010 22:13

I take it the mortgage is in joint names??? How could he access it without your signature???

mathanxiety · 14/12/2010 23:59

His reference to people he's been talking to and this job talk should help scuttle any remaining illusions you may have that he's depressed or impotent or having a midlife crisis of some kind. He sounds very shady.

tallwivglasses · 15/12/2010 00:14

I've been lurking and so impressed with your dignity, strength and attitude, as well as all the excellent advice you've had...but Bloody Hell, WherecanIhide, I HAD to comment. This is horrifying.

I expect there's more lurkers who are thinking the same.

Oh, and what math said. Hope you're getting RL support x

matthew2002smum · 15/12/2010 01:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 09:30

I can't tell you how much I support your advise and support and finding the time to post when you are probably busy.

I've told him I'm getting support on mn and told him the sort of things that have been suggested. I've copied and pasted his responce:

YES IM A SHIT ETC BUT I DO BLOODY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY I WILL SUPPORT YOU. i AM NOT GOING TO BACK OUT OF THAT THEY ARE MY KIDS AND ITS MY HOUSE SO JUST AS MUCH MY FUTURE IN THE EQUITY AS YOURS HOUSE IS IN MY NAME SOLEY BUT IM SURE YOU HAVE FULL EQUAL RIGHTS TO IT IN LAW
I THINK YOU NEED TO EVENTUALLY GET A JOB ONE DAY TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR OWN FUTURE BUT THAT MONEY AT THE END OF THE DAY WAS MOINE TO SPEND HOW I WANTED HOWEVERE SHITTY I AM DOING WHAT I DID WITH IT
I JUST SPENT 100K OF MY MUMS MONEY ON THE HOUSE AND YOU AND KIDS AFTER ALL
DONT CARE IF YOU USE THIS IN COURT AS I HAVE NO AGENDAE THER AT ALL
I JUST WANT TO TRY AND GET BY ON WHATS LEFT OK?

I've just sent him a long email reminding him it was not his money - it's the banks/equity in the house money. I've also remined him the children are OURS and the house is OURS not his. I can't help thinking he has no clue about the non monetry value of me staying at home looking after the children while he worked. What is galing is for 18 years he worked for a company which really looked after their customers. So he would go to Wimbledon, fantastic meals etc When our son was 3 months old and I was post nataly depressed with little family support he was on a team building trip - on a yaht in the med for 4 days! Just because I haven't bought lots of money into the family I have slogged my guts out trying to be the best mum possible to our children (like all other mums do) but he just doesn't appreciate that. Its all about the money and his investment in the house.

I was always sooo grateful he wasn't the sort of husband who drank/played football every Saturday etc etc I always felt he was a great family man. Maybe he was.

He does seem to have realised this girl Charlie is after his money and yesterday he said he's finished with her (told me all about it on phone) He says he was adicted to the ego boost of having a hot 22 year old wanting him "wanting him" LOL his money, more like. I sort of believe it BUT addictions are hard to overcome especially when he moves from his sisters' into his flat and begins to feel lonely/isolated. He'll find it hard not to go back/look on chat sites (as I think someone has pointed out). What makes me laugh is she never wanted to go to a hotel with him/have him stay over. He told our daughter on msn that he "loved her". If she wanted him, he's now realised, she'd want to sleep with him to show her love. She'd even stopped inviting him in for a cup of tea after their shopping trips - eventhough he was dishing out hundreds and hundreds a week! The FOOL!

Oh dear, this has turned into a long post. Just needed to rant, I supose Grin

Thankyou xx

OP posts:
WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 09:38

PS - he didn't spend £100K on the house. We did get a new kitchen, bathroom, downstairs loo and en-suite. We live in a small 3 bed link detached. The above rooms were v dated and did genuinely need a face lift (but were still usable if I'm being honest)

He has also bought a £13,000 car [not sports car lol]family holiday to Mallorca (1 week), 1 year's uni tuition fee and frittered away the rest (I've enjoyed meals out at Pizza Express etc). I've not had loads of clothes etc from his Mum's money or anything extravagent but I do now have a nicer kitchen etc.

OP posts:
MistletoeMinnie · 15/12/2010 11:27

You did not get a new kitchen, the family did. The money that was spent on the house was for the family's benefit, so please stop feeling you have to justify what money was spent on the house. He is trying to make you feel like you made him spend the money.

You really do need to get proper legal and financial advice and ignore anything that he says about what you should be doing.

Stay strong and focus on yourself and your DCs.

WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 12:42

Thankyou Mistletoe. Just took the dogs for a brisk walk around the block and felt my post must have made me look really greedy re kitchen etc but you've made me see sense.

Phoned the CAB and they are sending me their seperation/divorce pack and I've got more phone numbers.

with appreciation x

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mathanxiety · 15/12/2010 16:08

BUT THAT MONEY AT THE END OF THE DAY WAS MOINE TO SPEND HOW I WANTED HOWEVERE SHITTY I AM DOING WHAT I DID WITH IT
I JUST SPENT 100K OF MY MUMS MONEY ON THE HOUSE AND YOU AND KIDS AFTER ALL

Gasping at the arrogance. He is mouthing platitudes about supporting you, still insisting you get a job, and still insisting he has a right to spend 'his' money as he pleases. He doesn't think he is one bit shitty. He thinks he has a perfect right to do exactly as he pleases and in his mind it's every man for himself, you and the DCs included.

'I JUST SPENT 100K OF MY MUMS MONEY ON THE HOUSE AND YOU AND KIDS AFTER ALL ..'
Trying to assert there is some equivalence here between spending 'his' money or 'his' mum's money on you and the kids and spending the huge sums he has spent on a bimbo is where he shows his true colours here. He is unrepentant and his mind is completely twisted. He has no sense of responsibility to you or the children. Selfish and arrogant and utterly irresponsible, and amoral.

Please, please, forget about this stupid 22 year old and go to a solicitor asap.

WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 17:07

I'm sooo lucky I've got you all to make me see sense.

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mathanxiety · 15/12/2010 17:59

WherecanIhide, this is about power, and someone in a position of power abusing you and your children.

You used the word grateful in reference to the sort of man you thought you had here, and I am concerned that there has been a major power imbalance in your relationship up to now (thinking back over WWIFN's earlier post re communication here too). If you really thought you seemed greedy, then that is very sad indeed.

Please do not bother yourself with thoughts of your H's so-called problems, addiction or depression or impotence or stupidity. You have much bigger problems than he ever had or ever will at this point. He is a vain, stupid, angry and cruel jerk who has deliberately chosen loneliness by checking out of his relationship with his own wife (impotence my eye) and his children over all these years, with his night owlishness and his fondness for chatrooms and dating sites.

Please do not waste your time worrying about his 'addiction' or isolation when he moves into a flat by himself. He has plenty of people to talk with about what you should do wrt getting a job, plenty of colleagues no doubt willing to lend an ear to whatever poor me routine he will dream up to explain his new address -- while you have no family or support in RL to rely upon. Your focus must be you now, and your children.

If he chooses the chatrooms, so be it. He is out of your hands and he has been for years.

Stop worrying about this man. Stop listening to him talking about your relationship and stop talking about what made him do it. He doesn't care why he does it. He is not looking for insight into his shitty behaviour here, or insight into how horrible all of this is for you, and he doesn't want to hear about the damage he has done to his own DD. He obviously does not agree he is a piece of shit and he is not repentant at all. Your opinions do not matter to him.

Please do not tip your hand to him about what you're doing with the CAB materials. Keep your plans to yourself. Do not try to impress or intimidate him by telling him about your support or the advice you're getting. He is not a nice man, and he doesn't care how he has hurt you in the past or how he may hurt you in the future, or your children.

WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 19:22

Thankyou mathanxiety - very wise. I will keep reading all the replies because they give me imense support and I'm very grateful.

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AliceWorld · 16/12/2010 12:43

Just to back up that spending money on the family is nothing you should have to feel grateful or in debt for (in the way he is framing it). My husband and I earn different amounts, at different times, so we put different amounts into the household at different times. We would never ever expect the other to be grateful. (We might be appreciative of one another, but that's a different thing. An equal appreciate each other thing)

At the moment I am the one with more money including inherited money. I do not feel I am spending my money that I could spend how I like. I am spending money on us, as we are partnership etc. What comes in is judged against what we need. I don't feel obligated to do it, I don't feel pressured to do it, I do it because for me that's what you do in a relationship.

And the value of your unpaid labour in the household is immense. Your unpaid labour has facilitated his paid labour. So they money he brings in is not his. It is his way of contributing to the household. Your unpaid labour is yours.

I know I'm not saying anything new, but just wanted you to hear from another person what others are saying so you can see what the experience of others is.

WherecanIhide · 16/12/2010 13:43

Thankyou Alice - it's good to hear (however many times)

He's being so arrogant. I challenged him (via text) this morning about how many other women there are/were. He replied 'none'. A perfectly timed bank statement arrived today: £100 payment to one woman and a £300 to another woman. I phoned him up and he said the £100 was to 'a friend'. Ofcourse I doubted him and he said "I don't have to tell you everything/anything [can't remember which word he used]. He doesn't get that that is not acceptable in a marriage - having secrets like that. The £300 was when he got ripped off by a girl from the website (so he claims) The stupid shit paid upfront to see her and she got the money then didn't show up.

He blames it on how he's not thinking straight etc etc BUT that's not good enough for me. On Saturday I was telling him I'd be here for him while he goes through this mid-life crisis and that I understood etc etc but he hasn't lost his mind in a severe psychiatric way - he knew what he was doing and was selfish.

Our [that's OUR not HIS - not that he's reading this] daughter's nurse reiterated that it was not fair on him to involve dd. There are somethings which dc do not/should not know about, re adult/parent stuff.

Forgive a mid-life crisis affair? Possibly

Forgive spending families £25,000? Possibly

Forgive how he's used our DD (and hurt ds) Never!

I think I'm finally losing it Sad Angry

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mathanxiety · 16/12/2010 15:00

WherecanIhide -- if he's been a 'night owl' for a good few years, he has probably spent a lot on his own amusement/ ego stroking/ illicit jollies Sad.

Glad you're losing it!

"I don't have to tell you everything/anything" -- now this is the real man you're dealing with. He really does not feel himself to be in a relationship with you and really is telling you he has a right to do exactly as he pleases, and probably has been doing that for a long time.

He has kicked you in the teeth here too.

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