Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Have you got the accounts frozen?
Have you started things with a lawyer?
Have you buddled all of his things into black bags and put them in the shed/ back garden so he can pick them up without you seeing him?
Have you changed the locks?
Have you sat down with the children explained that he is an adult and can look after himself but that he has to live elsewhere now and that is in no way their fault?
Have you got the accounts frozen?
Have you looked in the mirror and told yourself that nothing has changed as you've been doing the brunt of the work by yourself for years, only now you dont have him as a burden and in fact you are not freeing yourself and the children from his awful influence?
Have you realised how young you are. You're young strong and can get through this and move on just fine. You really just need to keep moving on it each day.

Ah no end of sad old man excuses and tales will come from him in the near future. It's not your responsibility and you are not listening. Don't want to hurt him, be angry at him, make him want you DONT ENTER INTO THAT WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY.

You live for yourself and your children and you have rights. From now on he has no say and you couldn't hear him even if he tried.

Call your bank(s) immediately. And get a solicitor the moment you get out from the doctors. You may be able to drain any joint accounts you have and open a new one in your name. But you must speak to a solicitor about this. You can get a free half hour and should get some solid advice in that time about urgent matters before you look for someone to take you through the financial aspects of dumping this waste of space.

What is he saying here btw -- maybe he'll stay, maybe he'll go? (and he clearly thinks he's doing you all a big favour by staying and staying in contact with you and the children [puke]) The utter shamelessness of this man is stunning. He has no remorse and no sense of the damage he has done to any of you. It's not up to him to decide whether he stays or goes. This is your decision Pack his belongings and toss them out the door.

DO NOT show him your hand to this man. Do not tell him what you're doing with the finances. He may be a fool but he is capable of stealing and lying and using his own children without shame.

Believe only what he does and not what he says. Not one word.

Steel yourself, WherecanIhide. You must now consider your H a stranger who does not wish you well. He has stolen from you and from your children. Consider him as you would a common bag snatcher. He is not a partner to you. He is not your friend. Do not blame this on the lady-friend. It's all on him.

What Architien says is spot on here. Listening to him, offering him advice about the bimbo - IS A WASTE OF YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY AND TIME. It is a distraction from the work you must see to now. Look out for yourself only, and your children. This 'man' is not going to do this for you.

Thankyou sooo much everyone. It hadn't actually occured to me he was stealing from us (duh) He has furnished a flat for this girl ffs!

We have seperate bank accounts (cos he's normally crap with money anyway) so this is why I didn't know. You know, he reduced the direct debit to my account so I've been really careful/penny pinching for ages. All the time spending literally thousands on this gold digger.

He's finally gone to his sisters and found a flat he can move into after xmas. I packed binliners of his stuff and dumped it all on the drive for the neighbours to see. I also put his (bursting) laundry basket on the drive and chucked his suits over the top.

I bought myself a massive bunch of flowers today and felt scarely proud of myself

We've got our dd's CPA tomorrow - should be interesting. DD's care co-ordinator knows everything and has been very supportive.

I'm so grateful for the support I have recieved on here - makes me want to cry.

I stand in awe and wonder at how strong and fabulous you're being.

Go girl!

Clam - thankyou. Maybe it's adrenalin?

I still feel desperate for support.

WooHoo! Well done

You have a fan club here, all supporting you and cheering you on.

You need to ask him about any credit cards he may have, any shop accounts, etc. You need to know how much, if any, debt he has incurred and find out from the solicitor you will soon be engaging if you are liable for his personal debts or if it's just him. Does he have a credit card or two?

Go back to where he started reducing the direct debit to your account from his, find out how much you're out as a result of his reduction, and tell him you want arrears paid and promptly. Time to put the screws on him. (Time to see if he will really put his money where his mouth is.)

All this talk about solicitors is scarey - how do i pay for one? Will a solicitor see me knowing I can't personaly pay? I have in mind to got to CAB on Wednesday.

Thanks mathanxiety x

Go to CAB asap. You can ask them anything. Women's Aid could also refer you to a solicitor.

Help with Legal Costs site.
-- from this site:
'If your partner is earning, their income will be taken into account, unless your partner is the person who you are in dispute with.'

'You have to include your partner's capital unless your partner is the person who you are in dispute with.'

-- so you may qualify for free legal aid.

Money Made Clear site -- finance and divorce Links here might be useful.

LawWorks ( if you don't qualify for free legal aid and can't afford a solicitor )
National Pro Bono Centre
48 Chancery Lane
London
WC2A 1JF
Tel: 020 7092 3940
Fax: 020 7242 3407

Wow thankyou mathew - so kind and thoughtful.

JOKE; he says he lent her some money and she's going to pay him back

Nothing like a good nights sleep to make everything feel manageable xxx

OMG just read through the whole thread and I am in complete awe of you! I am having probs in my own marriage(similiar to yours-no intimacy,looks at porn,goes on chat websites etc) and wish I could find the strength to say this is not on.
Please listen to the advice re the solicitor. This is one of my biggest fears over ending my marriage as know hubby would do his damndest not to give me a penny.
Good luck and please keep posting.x

I hope you can stay strong, you will surely be happier with a new found self respect of what you are capable of.
Keep focusing on the practicalities of sorting out your finances and your daughters health to keep busy and try not to think at all for now, about what or why he has done - it is almost irrelevant, what is important now is you and your children.
You are amazing, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

Thankyou pink. May well collapse with nervous exhaustion one day but ok now xx

Thankyou hilly - you've given me a lump in my throat

I have only just read through your thread and I think you have had some excellent advice. I don't feel I can add anything further regarding your partner but I wanted to wish you well and stay strong. I also think phoning samaritans was a very good idea, I have a couple of times when I was trying to cope with some very difficult personal issues. My DD has serious mental health problems and has been hospitalised on more than one occasion. It is the most painful thing to have to cope with.If you ever need a chat about your DD please pm me. I don't want to intrude but I know how horribly hard it is and completely draining. I came close to having a breakdown coping with that situation. I think your reactions have been incredibly mature, well done.

Thankyou butter - I may well take you up on your kind offer x

Hoping today went well for your DD and hoping you had some kind words from the doctor too.

Did you manage to get some sleep? Are you making sure you're eating ok?

mathanxiety - thankyou for thinking of me.

Got to sleep ok, woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep.

Had dd CPA meeting. The psychiatrist said our daughter has to remain at the same weight (been starving herself for weeks)cos her thinking about herself and food is that of someone with anorexia (I suspected that).

I spoke to wh on the phone and told him he is responsible for katie's possible anorexia and he said "well she was ill any way". True, she is very suseptible because of her ill mental health (which she's been recovering from)but he is not taking any responsibility. maybe out of guilt, may be out of arrogance.

He keeps pressurising me to look for a job (right before xmas and 2 days after being dumped) he keeps saying I'd need to do that anyway and it'll be good for me to have the fulfilment of work etc (true) BUT he has been looking for a flat and today has gone to sign a lease for one so he's obviously thinking that he won't much spare cash so the more I earn, the less he'll have to pay. He says I need to pay for my own expenses including £250 pm car repayments. I initially thought 'fair enough', it's my car he's got his car etc but it's dawning on me it's our family care - I need it for the children and that should be paid for like the mortgage.

I admit, this is really starting to do my head in now. Feeling a bit thick as well cos it's taking me a while to come to certain realisations

Oh how cold. I'm horrified your H could be so callous about your poor DD (but not surprised). No, he doesn't want to hear what he has done. What an awful man you're dealing with.

No way should you look for a job right now. Of course he is pressuring you - if you work he doesn't have to pay for his children or pay you any support. It's really important for you to talk with a solicitor about your financial situation and your rights here ASAP. You would not "have to get a job anyway" -- he seems to be a bit of a bully too. He owes you and the children financial support. You need a support order and you need one fast.

Please, please, I know you're reeling, but YOU HAVE TO GET TO A SOLICITOR ASAP. This man is now showing his true colours. He has thought about the money. He knows how much or how little there is. He is looking after himself and only himself and he has been for some time.

Print out this thread and bring it with you to the solicitor if you think it would take too long to explain everything. Do you have financial documents to hand? Statements? Account numbers? Credit card numbers? Your DD's diagnosis and a statement about the level of care she needs? Hunt these down and please go at least to your CAB ASAP. You need to sort out benefits and get a referral to a solicitor.

Do not get a job!!! Unless you want to of course. P

Sorry, accidentally posted too early.

Wanted to say that ypu have been bringing up the children while he has been concentrating on his career, that shouldn't suddenly have to change because he's decided to become a cashpoint machine to a girl young enough to be his daughter.

You would be subsidizing the gold digger!

It has occured to me I'd be financing her.

I told him earlier he shouldn't keep telling me to get a job 2 days after dumping me (he's been going on at me since finishing uni work end of August - had concession cos of dd). He just says he'll carry on paying for my stuff for the time being but I need to get a job. I told him he was just thinking about himself but he won't admit/accept it.

He's been 'good' at reasuring me he'll keep paying for the mortgage etc (cos I've been sick with worry about it) and for some perverse reason been scared to 'rock the boat' incase he turns nasty - even though the law is on my side.

I've got great evidence in his bank statments with her name on - money transfers . I tole him about that and he didn't seem too worried. I hoped thats cos he is sincere about continuing payments.

'He just says he'll carry on paying for my stuff for the time being but I need to get a job.'

He is living in a little arrogant, hostile bubble right now and he doesn't want to hear the truth. He cannot leave you high and dry or force you to get a job that would keep you and the children -- a job that will be impossible to find anyway.

You need legal advice here. You and your children have rights and he has responsibilities. He doesn't want to hear about it tough cheese. Please find out where you stand legally, and dig deep into the financial picture.

Please do not rely on his word or his sincerity about your finances.

He is a completely conscience-free zone, a completely selfish twat who is doing his thinking with a part of his anatomy normally reserved for other purposes. By the sound of things he doesn't even like or care about his own children or their health or welfare, let alone you.

He is capable of extreme cruelty of thought and act, and has demonstrated that wrt the children, especially his DD. He is utterly selfish and utterly unreliable and he has already stolen from you and the children. You are dealing with a cruel thief here -- do not rely on his word. It is worth NOTHING. Go and get an order of support asap..

mathanxiety - thankyou for your reply.

Yes, as the hours go by, I'm realising it more and more...(Just needed it all pointing out