Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Dear Where

I've just caught up with developments over the last few days. My God, that man is even more beneath contempt than I thought. He hit your daughter? he chatted up some woman in front of her?!

I hope tomorrow's appointment goes ok. Will be sending you strength.

You do need some counselling just for you too like you say - how shattering to go for help only to be told it is months away.

Is there anyone, anywhere, who could lend you some money to have some private sessions? Having someone who is always on your side is such a massive help.

I have been sinking for the last ten days - nothing too serious - mainly worries at work - but I have really let myself go; stayed in bed all weekend,even eaten meals up there while watching telly. Couldn't even take the dogs out. Sjipped the one evening activity I do that makes me feel better always. Not answering the phone...

I know it will pass though, and maybe it is something I need to do just to get some respite. The thought of you living through what your're living through, ( and taking steps re the maths too -wow) is a real inspiration.

Take good care, and hello to the other regulars on your thread :)

Hi Bella

Very sorry you are feeling so down. You are isolating yourself (a bad sign). It's like you needed a physical and mental rest from the world. You seem confident it will pass. I hope you are feeling stronger for the week ahead. Let us know how you are...

Tomorrows appointment will be difficult because I have a duty to protect my DD and tell the therapist everything but if they take steps to prevent him from seeing DC unsupervised, both DC will be cross with me and blame me etc. DD keeps protecting him by making excuses. For example she said it's better to be hit by her Dad than a stranger. Maybe this is evidence of her mixed up thinking/low self esteem? I don't know whether to take the printed off photos or not? DD doesn't want me to. I'm certainly keeping them for the divorce courts along with his email admiting to what he had done.

I don't have anyone to borrow money from for counselling - I'll have to do more investigating via Google.

Bella - if you could see the state of me, see the state of the house etc I am NO inspiration. I keep crying and look like Dracula's twin sister {grin]

Thankyou for your kind post (and confirming he really is 'beneath contempt' ie not worth wanting back) x

Well, we had the Family Therapy meeting. The therapist used the word 'violence' regarding twat hitting DD. This suggests she took it seriously but not taking things further. Twat admitted he was wrong, but kept trying to justify his actions by saying DD was "smashing up my flat" and accusing me of being rough with DD in the past when she used to be almost hysterical every evening. I have been 'rough' with her when she has tried to hit me or been virtually out of control BUT I've never beaten her and certainly never left any marks on her body. I think he was trying to take the emphasis off himself.

The therapist asked him what kind of parent he thought I was. His answer was all negative. He said I don't listen to the children, am too strict and treat them too young. He wasn't able to back these statements up with examples.

He admitted he left because there was too much stress - everything about our house/home stressed him out and he felt everything fell on him re DD's illness [she wouldn't have anything to do with me] and financially. He said I did the same as him (escape) by doing my uni work and 'hiding in bed for days' ie. a day in bed with a migraine. I wasn't exactly having fun - terrible head pain and trying not to throw up!

He also moaned that all our relationship he had to put his own needs/thoughts second to keep me happy. His resentment built up over the years. He couldn't talk to me because I'd get upset or angry What do you think of that?

He dismissed my complaints about his chatting up women when out with DC as 'just a bit of fun'. The therapist didn't seem too interested by this but it still makes me

He denies mid life crisis. He is a walking MLC cliche in his Hollister clothes, pretending to be 44, wants excitment, chasing very young girlfriends etc.

I left feeling like I was unreasosnable throughout our 21 year relationship and unloveable and I was stupid to think he was having a MLC etc etc BUT now I think it is easy for him to find fault in me. He couldn't find it in himself to tell me he wanted to leave - it's like he wanted to be found out so he wouldn't have to face up to it himself. Maybe he hoped DD would tell me for him? He has shown himself to be a very weak individual who needs to grow a pair.

WherecanIhide - so glad that you weren't offended by my post and that it "made you think"

Hi Where,

That sounds tough. Can't understand why the therapist is not taking an allegation of assault against your DD forwards, or the attempts to get your DD to collude in his pulling of younger women. It is a bit odd - did the therapist give any feedback at all?

As to the stuff about him talking about your parentling - did the therapist ask him to give examples, or did you? Do you think she id "reflecting back" how baseless his allegations about you are?

Glad to see that you are getting your perspective back after a horrendous meeting - you left having been told that you were "unreasonable", "unloveable", "stupid" etc, but that's just more of his self-serving denial. I wish you didn't have to go through this, but you are so much stronger than him, and it is goos to see that you are starting to recognise this.

Any plans for this week?

Hi Firepile, you are you feeling today?

Thinking about it, I think the therapist was a bit crap and had her own agenga for the session. She did ask for examples from him re my parenting and he admitted he couldn't really think of any. I 'justified' myself by giving examples of how I thought he was wrong.

She did use the word 'violence' re him punching DD and said asked about our approaches with DD when she gets in a state but eventhough I explained about the bruising she didn't say anything to suggest she was taking it further. I was p'ed off she didn't appear interested in his chatting up of women with DD - he was really dismissive and defensive yet she didn't question him about the appropriateness of it. It was only our second session so it may be too early to challenge him 'the client' yet but the idea of this counselling is about parenting our DC and these were parenting issues.

I phoned DD's school. At the end of the day DD showed a TA her bruises but wouldn't explain how she got them. The head phoned me back at 5 and said due to DD being 16 (and not registered disabled) she is classed as a young adult therefore it is not a child protection issue. She said in her experience SS will tell her to suggest I report it to the police as 'domestic abuse'.

My neighbour is back from holiday and came round. I told her everything and she said he is trying to justify his actions (hitting DD, being negative towards me etc) which is what I am being told on here. Like you say Firepile 'self-serving denial'. I really need to keep his weakness in mind when I'm feeling depressed about being dumped (we all do re our exes).

Got the man from MAST team coming round again in the morning - the one who said I didn't need their help. He seemed very reluctant when I spoke to him on Friday evening. Going to LearnDirect on Wednesday and hoping to meet my friend on Friday.

(I keep reading the articles )

Oh Firepile I meant to say, I don't think she did give any feedback. I've actually done two counselling courses (ten years ago) so I did learn some basic skills.

Hi Where,

Yay for your neighbour! Do you think she will be around for you now she's back from holiday?

Interesting about the Head's advice. Are you able to report it as DV without your Dd's permission? It is interesting that DD is disclosing to other people, too. Do you think she recognises that her Father is in the wrong?

Hope that it goes better than you expect with MAST man tomorrow.

Today has been terrible - utter failure to detach, row and phocecall - I feel like I am going backwards. On the brighter side, I have noticed that I seem to feel much worse immediately before I move on a level, so I wonder if that's what's happening here. I can't bear the thought of feeling like this long term.

PS - sorry to see that all is not well Bella - hope that things are on the up soon...

Evening ladies. Big Swiss hugs to you all.

A very interesting session for you where. The Army families counsellor I had was not allowed to make judgements during the listening session as it was a trust exercise so she may need all the sessions to get a view.

He is totally batting back however, so blatantly deflecting the blame.

Things were tough and he got stressed, well boo hoo for him, the ickle wickle matter of his being unfaithful with a young girl seems to be slipping under his radar doesn't it? My current DH got stressed - but mainly because he was shooting insurgents in Afghanistan, not sad because he had a bit of strife at home. He really does need to man up! I think you are gaining some clarity where.

If I was you I would move on and start using these sessions to get what you need and want. So I would start by telling the counsellor the issue and then list what you believe is acceptable behaviour around your children and see if you can get the counsellor to buy in. There is nothing like another adult person witnessing a twits behaviour to make them face up to their wrong doings. If he cannot abide by the behaviour you expect around your children then he cannot be trusted to spend time with them and you should not be put through the extra stress of this on top of what you are already going through.

Moaning about your migraines as if you had gone on a girls weekend, not laid in bed with agony. What a cock! He's forgetting cajoling you into the swinger club and manipulating you to feel so bad about yourself.

He is gas lighting you a little where, I am sure if we can see it then the counsellor can too. If he starts then just cut him dead. Your thoughts and feelings have value too and shouldn't be belittled or denied.

Have you had a proper heart to heart with your dd where, or will she not open up? I hope she is ok.

Be strong - you are doing a lot better than you think. And just try and deal with the here and now, the rest will come when you feel better and have clarity to your decisions. X

Hi Firepile and Bin thankyou very much for your posts - much appreciated as always.

I hope you are both ok

DD's head phoned today and said Child Protection are going to take this up - probably becuase DD is vulnerable due to illness. DD confirmed it was her fether who hit her (told TA) so I am pleased she did and I won't get all the blame for letting school know (from DD and twat) We'll have to wait and see what happens now...

I'm going to get a Support Worker - she'll sort me out re bennefit forms etc etc. No time for pride now - I need to accept any help I can get. My neighbour will be around but I don't want to become overly dependent on her as that isn't fair. It is nice to know someone who knows the families' situation is literally next door.

Firepile I hope you are making a continual upward recovery - even if you are having an awful time. It seems this 'detachment' is hard going.

Bin The more I think about the appointment, the more ridiculous his claims/accusations seem. I'm hoping the counsellor will eventually give him some brutaly honest feedback. Strange how he doesn't mention the 22 year old. I'm annoyed I didn't! There is no comparrison between our husbands. Mine really is pathetic and weak. How can he not understand chatting up women whilst out with DD is plain wrong? I know he's in denial but ffs, where has his brain gone? And morals? I just hope this counsellor comes good in the end as I don't have much faith in her yet.

DD is a bit quiet this evening - I can tell she doesn't want to talk about things. She may be feeling worried about telling everything to TA and the possible consequences. She's been a daddy's girl yet daddy thumped her - must be confusing.

You know, the more I think about his deflecting the blame, the more I get, yet it isn't enough to rid this awful depression etc.

Thankyou for your support x

Not about as much due to visiting family but you have loads of support here where.

Hope you manage(d) to get a good nights sleep. TC xx

Thankyou AnotherMumOnHere. Hope you are well.

I am very lucky to have so much support on here.

Im still visiting family and cant get online as much as normal. It over 24 hours since you posted where, I hope you are ok. Dont forget to post to let everyone know you are ok.

Hi where, the end of another week! How are you feeling? Any plans for yourself at the weekend?

Hi Bin how are you?

Not too bad thanks. Having a girly shopping day with DD tomorrow which will be nice. Ds will be with twat.

Got an interesting week ahead - family therapy, seeing solicitor (at last), visits from social worker, support workers and continuing maths with LearnDirect.

The social worker told me, if the police don't visit him, then they will

Thankyou for asking how I am. xx

A very busy week then. Nice to start getting life moving for you at least, and enable you to make decisions.

Hope you have a nice shopping trip tomorrow. There are still loads of sales on in the UK I hear.

Does heck now the police are coming round? Are you prepared for his reaction? Does your dd want to go and spend the day with him again or is she too afraid of his temper?

He, not heck sorry!

Thanks.

No I don't think he has any clue. He'll probably blame me but DD told school about it too. If he reacts...well...I'll worry about that if/when it happens. I don't want to think too much about how he might react because being scared of his possible reaction could have meant not reporting it and that would have been wrong.

DD is ok with him (saw him yesterday evening) but I fear she'll try very hard to be 'good' so as not to make him angry...shouldn't be that way.

You are safe though? He hasn't had a temper with you has he?

Oh no, not at all. I never thought about that .

If he ever hit me, I'd defend myself/hit back - if it came to it. I can't imagine he'll come round in a fit of temper - possibly be vile on the phone, but that's all (hope I'm not being naive).

Hi Where,

Sorry to have been out of loop this week. Sounds like things are still-rubbish-but-broadly-ok with you. Am still very impressed re maths.

Hope you and DD have fun tomorrow, and that all the assault stuff is not too destabilising for her.

Will try and be around a bit more next week!

Take care.

Hi Firepile No need to apologise - I have been hoping you are ok...

Hi where,

Thanks for the aspirin

I now have a tissue twisted and shoved up my nose to stop it running. Very attractive! Colds are so annoying, aren't they?

What have you been up to this weekend then? And how are things? Has your husband found out about your daughters admission to the school about him being aggressive?

How is the maths coming along?

Hi, I'm sure you are a sight to behold atm - good idea though. Could you design and patent something similar and call it the Snot Stop?

DD blames herself for twat punching/kicking her - evidence of low self esteem. Socila worker takes this side of it very seriously. Twat seems to thing it is a fuss about nothing; "what's done is done" attitude. He should be getting a visit from the social worker this week.

Having awful time of things atm - can't snap out of obsessive worrying about the future. I don't know if it's the Prozac, but keep also obsessively thinking about suicide. I did read about Prozac inducing 'suicide idealation' - it is constant and very hard going emotionally and physically. All very strange and difficult.

I haven't been doing maths but will try to log on at home and do it - hopefully it'll keep my mind busy...

Hope you start feeling better soon.

Thankyou for your kind post x

Hi Where!

So sorry I haven't been around lately - I have been struggling a lot, tbh.

But am very concerned about the Prozac thing - can you talk to your GP about changing your ADs? It sounds as though at best the Prozac isn't helping, and at worst it could be making things worse. I think increasing thoughts of suicide are a red flag. Please don't ignore this.

Thanks for updating on the twat / DD situation. What an idiot. But at least the SWs have clocked it, and are taking it seriously - at last.

Take good care, Where...