Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

OP I'm so sorry.

Do you have any one in RL you can talk to? Any good friends or family? I know you have probably wanted to keep this to yourself up until now, but I would say you need to get yourself a good support network now.

Did H give you any more details about what has been going on? Is it possible he's just panicking about you finding out about the website?

Thankyou...I'm estranged from my parents. Low self-esteem has prevented me from forming proper friendships, I think. Feel very inadequate. So worried about our children - I don't want them coming from a broken family. Our dd has had a serious mental health illness which she is recovering from. I supose I'll have ro see what he says when he gets home later. I said to him I was dissapointed in him (wanting to seperate) and he said somethink like 'well I'm not a very nice person'. Just can't believe it. i don't know how to get a support network

I'm so sorry.

I caught my DH red-handed on adultfriendfinder earlier this year. He swore blind he would never have met anyone in RL. Even so, I was devastated.

People who say they can dismiss it as a bit of a laugh ... well, I'm not saying that's right or wrong, I think it depends on the person's strength and self-esteem how you handle it. I'm not a prude but I think these sites have a lot to answer for morally speaking.

For me it was pretty demoralising TBH... I think if you have self-esteem issues then it really hits you where it hurts. We had to work very hard to get over it and if anything like it ever happens again it would be a deal-breaker to be honest. Another really difficult thing was not to be able to talk to anyone in RL - I just couldn't.

I also thought it was a massive insult to our 2 year old son. What does he think his family or your DC will think of him when they hear what he has been up to?

Please message if you would like to.

(((:()))

So sorry to hear this.

you'll be a lone parent family.....not a broken family!!!

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it, WherecanIhide.

He said "I'm not a very nice person"? Sounds like the truth :( I wonder if you've been putting up with more than you should have to?

Is he depressed maybe? Just thinking about the 'I'm not a very nice person' comment he made...

Unless there's something major he's not told you yet, I would say baby steps are the way to go here - unless it turns out that he has been seeing someone else that is. You've been together a long time and have obviously been through a lot.

When you talk later you could perhaps suggest a couple of months to cool off before deciding to separate, on the proviso that he tries some counselling with you. It sounds like you've all been through a hell of a lot as a family and that could have affected him.

Whatever happens, you will get through this. Try not to think too far ahead about how it will all 'end up' at the moment. Don't worry about days or weeks down the line, just take everything a minute at a time.

Thinking of you x

i would get back on that laptop and have another look.....can you log in? it should give a few more clues to how far he's gone

It has been hard - our dd being hospitalised for months - with no family support. We haven't been able to have a night out since June 2008 cos when she's been home she isn't safe to be left. Our other child is younger. I know we've been in a rut, but I asssumed he'd want us to work through it. I'm sitting here thinking he simply doesn't love me anymore. On the phone he said he didn't think I was happy so I thought he was using that as an excuse. I told him he'd have to take full responsibilty/blame if he wants to leave and he seemed to understand that. Late I'll just have to make sure I get the truth out of him. It has just occured to me his timing is pretty lousy

OP well in some ways it's hardly surprising that your relationship is having problems with the stress you've both been under.

I really think counselling is the way to go. Does he really want to leave his family and home and start all over again? Or is he just very unhappy and doesn't know how to make it better?

I'm not saying he's not the bad guy here; I do think the way he's treating you now is horrible. But unless he has been unfaithful in rl, I think it would be worth a last shot at working through all the problems and trying to make it work.

WherecanI hide, I'm so sorry this has happened, I don't know if SGB will find this thread but she would probably say that if a husband has neglected you physically, ignored you while on an internet chat site,then announces he wants a "trial separation" then the likelihood is that there is another woman.

I don't know if I would agree with this necessarily but it certainly sounds like he has disengaged from you mentally and doesn't really want a relationship with you.

This happens to all sorts of women, don't think there is anything wrong with you, it is him doing this, not you.

I think you definitely should find a counsellor who you can talk to, just to like yourself more and feel better about things.

I agree, OP, I'm afraid. Putting the undercover activity together with his readiness to leave, his "midlife crisis" and the stress you've been under ... it sounds like he's been looking for an easy life and reckons he's found one :(

I honestly feel it's time, now more than ever, to look to yourself and start doing things for your own good. I also know how impossible & irrelevant that probably seems just now! The thing is - when you've been so stretched, and had poor self-esteem to start with - it becomes a habit to put other's feelings first, forgetting about yourself and letting them get away with more than they should.

Definitely time to call on all the friends you can muster. And please make an appointment with the CAB, so you're clear on your circumstances. Sending you an inadequate but well-meant hug.

Thankyou for messages - much needed and appreciated. I've just mopped the floor cos I don't know what to do with myself - mad.

Anyone who said that its ok for dh's to do this should re read ops posts,she thinks at size 14 with as you say "normal" or indeed"norman" boobs maybe the reason he is looking on these sites.Whether he is guilty or not it is affecting her self esteem and for that reason alone it is very wrong.
Wherecanihide,Grace has made some great suggestions as have many others,you are worth more than this build yourself up slowly and take some time out to gather up your confidence.Tell dh that this is not aceptable purely as it is making you feel so miserable and he really should stop if only because of that.

Prepare for tonight - set what you want to say out in writing if it will help.

You need to ascertain if he is genuinely remorseful for what he has done. It is also possible he may not have thought through the consequences of what he hs done for his DC and his family as well. Is he a good dad? Do you love him? If he is genuinely ashamed and loves you and wants to remain a fully involved dad to his DC, then this is worth trying to work through.

Repair of tattered sex life and dedicated family time really, really helped us get through this, but only becuse DH had the will to do so.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Go through that laptop and find out what he's been doing all this time.

Really angry on your behalf that he has thought fit to speak to you over the phone and not face to face about this. What a horrible shock. You must be reeling.

OTOH, it's out in the open now, at least partially. My guess is there's more to the impotence thing and his comment that he's not a nice person than you know right now. Demand the whole truth and don't let him get away with any suggestion that you have no right to snoop. He may experience an instinct to put some of this on you and he accusation of snooping is a handy one. Tell him you want his phone with no strings attached.

Don't feel you're odd or something because you mopped the floor. I went out and transplanted every single perennial in the garden upon discovery of the truth about my exH, and it took me the whole weekend. Everyone copes in her own way and there's no right or wrong to it.

None of this is your fault. He is a grown up capable of making informed choices about his behaviour. If you could choose the right thing so could he. If you could feel responsibility to your relationship and to your family, so could he. He chose not to apparently.

at math no nonsense approach,i am exactly the same,get to the point.Once bitten and all that.
OP cut to the chase yes,if he has nothing to hide he wont object.Good luck.
Mopping floor or gardening is good choice,i opted for punching him in the gob before consuming a bottle of wine and 20 fags.We all have ways of coping.

Well, we had a talk. He said the online chat was trivial and not the real issue. Says he feels it is midlife crisis and doesn't know what he wants in life/feels stressed out about dc illness (coming out now she is on the mend?)/doesn't enjoy his lifelong hobby anymore (depression?)/wants to go out and get drunk and have fun/worried about redundancy/wishes I had more friends, a job etc cos my situation is stressing him out/doesn't want to get old/feel everything is down to him.

He says he'll contact works' counselling service today which is good. Now I'm left in limbo while he decides if he wants to stay (everything about being at home stresses him out)or moves out for a trial seperation. I don't think this is fair but he needs to sort himself out - I can't do it for him.

I'm hoping he'll get counselling, come out of this midlife crisis and realises he wants to be with me. Feel I must prepare myself for the opposite though. I've been with him since I was 17 and he was my first /only love and the thought of not being with him is too awful. I'm a few years younger than him but wondering if I'll lose him to someone younger. x

I've been watching your thread but have felt unable to post until now. My dh did something very similar about 2 years ago. As far as I know things hadn't gone beyond him posting a profile and receiving some interest. There was nothing to indicate that he'd responded or even met someone. However, I was devastated. When I initially confronted dh he denied it was him but after considerable pressure he admitted that he'd posted an ad and said that he didn't know why he'd done it. I think that at this point he realised what he stood to lose.

He was very repentant and the upshot was that he went to the GP and was put onto anti-depressants which he is still taking. We also went for couples counselling and he has seen a counsellor on his own too. Lastly he changed his job to one that makes him much happier.

In the end it seemed that the pressures of supporting his family, doing a job he hated with colleagues he didn't like, money worries combined with a mid-life crisis caused him to behave in this stupid way. It has also turned out that depression runs strongly in his family. He has always said that he so regrets what he did and the hurt he has caused me and that he did it as a way of escaping from his problems in real life.

Now our relationship is okay but I'm still very hurt and upset about what he did because I would never have done anything like that to him. I'll never have the faith in him that I used to have.

registrationdetails - your situation (what was) sounds like mine. I'm glad you are still together (also gives me hope)

Seems depression is a bigger factor than I realised in this midlife crisis thing.

I just wish these men could be more open with us - easier said than done I supose when they don't know how they feel...

Thankyou x

Its been a very difficult and long journey and I don't think that we're there yet. IMHO to even stand a chance, your (d)h must be willing to look at what has led him to do this and he must also genuinely regret it. I couldn't talk to friends in RL and am glad I didn't now because we've stayed together and I wouldn't want them to be looking at us and wondering about our marriage. It's sufficient to have to cope with it in private.

WherecanI hide, did you go for any counselling?

Thank should read, would he go for any counselling?

BTW, it was the similarities with your situation that made me think it might be helpful to post.

I also thought that the suggestion of a trial separation was that so he could try to escape his problems /worries rather than you personally. It won't work of course.

Seperation won't work? Because moving 'physically' won't change the actual issues?

That's right. He'll still feel the same but on his own. He needs to look at the underlying problems. We did and it was very difficult but we're still together.

Thankyou for your comment - very helpful.