Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Use that strength and kick the fucker out, how very dare he put your mentally sick DD under mental an emotional pressure like that.

Your boobs are not ruined by breastfeeding! They are meant to change. Women in some traditional cultures even try to make the changes more pronounced because it's a beautiful indicator of prooven fertlity. It's a bit like saying you've got wider hips due to pregnancy therefore you're ruined. Absolute nonsense. You have reached what women are supposed to reach. That's beautiful.

IMHO he has betrayed you (physical or not). Think of it like this. Would you be ok with him going out most nights sitting in bars with younger women talking dirty with them? His place is by you, supporting you and loving you. He cannot do that whilst his mind or body is elsewhere. You need to explain that crisis or not this is no laughing matter. You're a woman who deserves her partner to be a good man and if he wants to act like an idiot then it's not just you that he's letting down, it's himself too. Regardless of how far it had gone if you've a family with him and believe that deep down he is a good moral man then I would give him the option of cutting bad behaviour right now and you telling him that you forgive him (if you can, and that doesn't mean forget) and that you'll have to both work on gaining trust and strength in the relationship again. Hopefully long term it'll work out for you.

My goodness, my browser just caught up and I saw your most recent post. I'd suggest getting a couple of trustworthy supportive phone numbers on speed dial as it looks like you are in for a really hard time no matter how this pans out and the adrenaline you're feeling just now will crah at some point so get a couple of safety nets in place.

If he is doing this for a big drama and excitment I would strongly suggest that you look into calmly seperating whilst setting up times to talk whe you are able to deal with it, and if it were me I'd get the locks changed just so you knew at least your home is a safe place to get through this. Dont enter into any shouting or arguments just now.

He needs to apologise to your children and withdraw for a while whilst you work out calmly what the hell has been going going on and what can be done as a result.

You really have my sympathy.

Back on here - I literally have no friends/family for support. Glad I kept the computer on. I want him to leave but daughters anxiety about him means she feels she has to look after him/responsible for him so he can't physically leave. Our son went mad and tried to hit him. he's calmed down and gone to play on xbox.

He's finally admitted he hasn't been happy for a while but kept stringing me along cos there 'was never a right time'.

This is ludicrous. We've sorted out he's leaving, he's acknowleded this girl is just using him for the money but still wants to continue. He's sat on the sofa with our dd...everyone is calm, but I'm ashamed to say I'm finding it hard not to swipe. Xfactor is on.

Please tell me, where/how can I get rl support? Where do I go/what do I do. Our dd has got a CPA meeting on Tuesday so maybe our dc can get support from CHAMs.

WherecanIhide I've just got up to date with your posts and I'm so sorry to hear what's now happened. I was really hoping for you that this would amount to nothing, but clearly much more has been going on.

So now you have to think 100% of yourself, and of your DC. If he's together enough to go and find himself a bit on the side, he's not depressed, he's just a selfish bastard. Therefore he and his feelings are not your problem anymore. Keeping yourself together, and your DC's, is.

As to where you can get rl support - I'm sorry I don't know what CHAMs is, but is it somewhere where you can get some help too, or at least be pointed in the right direction?

Get the biggest, heaviest frying pan you have in your kitchen and tell him he leaves before the morning or you will wrap it around his ears for him.

Then tart packing his things. Big bin bags will do.

You are married to a scummy, awful man who deserves to sleep on a park bench tonight and for the foreseeable future. He can figure out the rest of his miserable life for himself. Do not waste one minute worrying about him or listening to his pathetic explanations of what has been going on. No, there is no depression here. Just a philandering, pathetic, vain ego-tripper who thinks nothing of using his own vulnerable child to salve his conscience. Toss him out, and all his belongings. He will be fine.

I suspect there is no impotence either btw. There is no such thing as a man who gets used to being impotent and for whom it isn't a problem; this is the age of viagra after all.

This is the absolute worst case scenario for you. Please don't let yourself be manipulated by worries about your DD or DS and especially about the H into accepting things as they stand.

"Yesterday he gave me an assurance he definitely wouldn't leave for 6 weeks. When I moaned at that he said 6 months. I feel I have a reprieve." The gobsmacking nerve of this man.... Whose child is the 2 year old? Is it his?

Call your DD's doctor and all her support services asap and tell them what has happened and how your poor DD has been shamelessly used over the past while by this utterly selfish, immature, abusive waste of space. She will need help to get over this. You must get this rotten man out of the DCs' lives, and soon. How could he do this to your poor DD...

Go to your CAB, or talk with a solicitor ASAP.

You can do this on your own. You can live a good life with your DCs. You can be supermum. You can get through this.

I am so sad you are facing all of this, especially with Christmas ahead.

You need to gather your children around you and talk and listen with them, just the three of you, without the H present. They ahve been horribly used and betrayed by this so-called adult, this so-called parent. It is most important to reassure them both that you are a real grown-up and you will take care of them, and that you do not hold them responsible in any way for the horrible bind their 'father' put them in. You must also try to reassure your poor DD that she is not responsible in any way for her 'father's' choices or for his actions, and that he can and will take care of himself, and you will and can take care of her. Make sure they know they did not deserve to be mistreated as they have been by him.

Thankyou so much for your suport. I'm obviously not the only one on mn going through this.

I phoned the samaritans in the night - nice to talk to someone.

I'm so worried about our children. I'm still reeling he has used our already fragile daughter the way he has. She says since may he's told he's going to leave and has been showing her possible flats in which he can move into. Also, he's been supporting a 22 year old single mother (even payed for her to have a weekend in Brighton with her friend)and he's been telling our daughter this 22 year old can be like a big sister to her and our dd can enjoy playing with her 2 year old son. He's even been asking our son if he'd enjoy going out with 'daddy's girlfriend' to a soft play area. I don't know if our son thought he was joking but he never told me about it. Our dd has gone back to cutting herself and my husand was getting fustrated with her about it because he thought she didn't do that anymore. I honestly feel he's been emotionaly abusing her - using emotional blackmail to keep her silence. Yesterday he took her to Tescos and when they put the shopping in the boot there was a big Juicy Couture bag in there. Our dd thought it might be a xmas present for her but it was a tracksuit for the 22 year old. He's been spending the £25,000 we took of the value of the house for a loft extension (for son's bedroom) and when I asked him about that money he said "there's some left".

My earning potential isn't too good. I've just finished a degree but will have to find a £6 ph job and just get on with things.

Oh I'm so sorry Where...I agree with earlier poster that he is disgusting. I also agree that if I could I would come and help you. You are now dealing with what I call the "avalanche"... first one awful piece of information, then another, then another. Don't think about the future yet or worry about money - this is in the future. For now, concentrate on your daughter and son. What he has done to your chidlren, especially your daughter, is unforgivable and a sign of his utter selfishness - a trait much seen in men (or women) who have affairs (see the other thread I recommended). Please join the other thread if you need any support from other women who have gone through / are going through exactly your situation. Much much love to you. You are not alone on here. Post whenever you need to - there will always be someone here to listen

Thankyou goo. You are right about what you call the 'avalanche'.

Apparently he spent £400 on this girls' birthday (something from Juicy Couture and an ipod suffle thingy that goes on your wrist). Our daughter knew her birthday budget was £100. DD was with him when he spent the £400 on this girl(not long before dd's birthday). She was so hurt. She feels a bit replaced cos this girl is only 6 years old and getting spoilt.

Husband said this girl 'likes her independence' so after 7 months doesn't want to show any commitment to the relationship yet they spend days together (when he should be at work) going to diffeent places shopping like Bluewater and Brighton. He even met her the day before dds birthday at Bluewater. I knew he was going there, but didn't know he was with her. He bumped into the kerb and got a flat tyre. He paid for her to get a taxi home - miles away. He moaned and moaned to me about the flat tyre and I was very sympathetic, but he obviously didn't mention he was with this girl at the time.

I want to know how everyone manages to cope with all the lying and deceit?

Ok - it's such early days for you at the moment Where but here are things I do:
detatch yourself (I think it's too early yet mind in your current situation) but when you think of him just repeat one word or phrase that makes you feel getter. Mine is "twat", then immediately think about something else (even if it's the washing) and go and do something else (even if it's the washing)
accept that this too shall pass i.e. what you are feeling now
go to your GP - explain as much as you can. take advice, cry
Cry as much as you need to and don't feel guilty
Stop listening to his explanations, his insensitive explanations of his feelings for himself, the other woman, you...detatch and remember he is very selfish
Remember that this is not your fault, it is not something that you have brought on yourself, there is nothing that you could have done/said/been which would have changed his selfish behaviour. You have not failed. You have been failed.
And know that the relationship with this girl will not last/ is a complete fantasy land for him/her at the moment/ is built on sand
Remember that your h is a complete wally (insert a much worse word here)
At the moment, try and survive each hour, come on here whenever you need to, don't feel bad about going round in circles all the time - you need to do this in order for things to gradually make sense to you
This will all take time. But you will get there.
You are at the start of a very bumpy ride but one that will ultimately result in your freedom from someone who has completely disrespected you and your lovely children and one that will (I promise) ultimately end in you finding self repsect, love and happiness.
I know that it is far too early for you to think that any of this advice is any good but all of this has helped me. And I've been there, slightly different circumstances, but I do understand x

Thankyou both, so much. I'm not a huggy person in rl either but what with feeling so emotional I feel like I could give hugs all round!

I keep reading and re-reading all the posts people have kindly written.

He has diabetes so I keep thinking mean things (which helps) like: I won't have to look after him if he becomes ill. Pathetic maybe but I'm trying to think of positive things. I'll also get the whole wardrobe to myself etc (clutching at straws maybe)

He is still here - cos our dd has all these anxiety issues about 'keeping him safe'. I'm finding it hard not to swipe/be sarcastic. With my kind help (!) he is realising he has been stupid re money and realises the relationship may not last. I almost scoffed when he 'she likes her independence' Yeah I bet she does - so long as the designer stuff keeps coming. He must have spent thousands.

I will take all the advise given 'on board'.

We are sat watching XFacter and he keeps looking on his Blackberry when he thinks I'm not looking - so disrespectful.

Yesterday I thumped him twice in the face (I know, I know). Strangely it didn't make me feel as good as I feel it should have done (should have done it harder?)

PS. I've told him I'm not taking him back. Maybe I shouldn't have done that cos I may have had the satisfation of seeing him grovel, one day, then telling him to f**k off

(making the most of this positivity between upset )

Good on you. It didn't make you feel as good as you thought because you are a good person. Unlike him. Your poor DD. He needs to move out though. Can't believe he has treated his children as well as you in this way. It is truly despicable. Uggh. With a 22 year old. Kick him in the balls tomorrow.

The way to get through the lying and the deceit is white hot anger.

Please throw this 'man' out. He should be gone by Monday night. Do not take pity on him. What he has done to your children is abuse, pure and simple. There is no other word for it.

But you must have ALL the financial details first. What the heck does he mean when he says there's still some left from 25K???? Every account must be opened and checked. Every bank statement. Sit him down and shout at him if you must. Do not let him go to work tomorrow. He must tell all. Call the banks or wherever you have your family money and verify. Then call a solicitor. You need one asap.

Sit down with your DD and try to explain to her that you must do certain things about her father, that you will take care of her, that everything will be all right, that you are in charge and the horrors her father has visited upon her are now over. Call her doctor/support tomorrow first thing after you tie your H to the kitchen table for the talk about the finances.

Don't put the cart before the horse here. Kicking him in the face if/when he comes grovelling to you is a nice thought, but you must find out what your financial picture is first, and focus on the cold, hard legal and financial bits for now. You must leave no stone unturned.

If he has spent family money, it's called dissipation of assets. Courts don't like it.

It doesn't matter at all whether this H of yours is making a fool of himself over the young woman. He is very well able to take care of himself, that much is patently obvious. What is also obvious is that he is completely oblivious to your welfare and that of the children -- you must do this for yourself and for them now. What matters is how much he has spent and how much is left for you and your children.

"My earning potential isn't too good. I've just finished a degree but will have to find a £6 ph job and just get on with things." NO, NO, NO. He is responsible for his children, and he may even be forced to pay you alimony. GET A SOLICITOR and burst his little bubble ASAP. And take his credit card and debit cards immediately, plus the chequebook and any other means he may have of sucking money out of your family. He should have only about a fiver on him from now on. You need to know your rights here, and your children's rights.

I see a tendency here for you to try to blame your H's horrible behaviour on the bloodsucking young woman he is involved with, and even to try to rescue him from her greedy clutches. You MUST stop this. He is not some meek little lamb to the slaughter here, the victim of some predatory chancer. I would bet the farm if I had one that he has been living a double life for years here, for as long as he has been 'impotent' and maybe even longer. Stop warning him of what will happen to him and start thinking of saving yourself and your children from this man's selfishness and cruelty.

He said to me this morning: 'This will give you satisfaction - I texed Charley to tell her I couldn't take her shopping and she said she couldn't see me today after all' Then we talked briefly about how upset I am and our marriage then he said 'maybe i could stay after all' Damn cheek.

He keeps saying nothing will change financialy for me - he'll keep supporting the family for as long as I need (even for me to do PGCE) He refused to put it in writing BUT he did email me that reasurance. (I'll print it off for evidence)

I hope this is ok, but I emailed him 2 posts from here (the ones that clearly spell out what a twat he's been)and this is his responce (cut and pasted);

Ive read - agree that their advice is sound. They are probably right about the new relationship too. I'm not counting on it either. I will move out as soon as I can and go immediately if you genuinely think its best. I will continue with paying for waht I pay for now. I want to see the kids as much as they want and you will let me. I am sorry for the hurt but am not looking to come back or make excuses. I do want to be friends one day as we said. Feel free to put this up on your site if you want.

"feel free to put this on your site if you want" So everyone will know you are a wonderful man, really!????

I'm off to have a shower and go to GPs for anti-depressants and ask for counselling. feeling strangely positive atm.

Many thanks for support.

Please ssome tell me this is wrong. Opened his bank statements; he has been transfering hundreds and hundreds of pounds and it must run into the thousands on money transfers as well as a DFS sofa for £1,300 sofa as well as hundreds on clothes/toys/flowers/meals out. stagered and reeling from shock

Please, please contact a solicitor now to get advise on this. Ring them right now. If he is transferring your family's money, you need to put a stop to it as quickly as you can.

Get a solicitor NOW, today NOW, find one. You need accounts etc freezing, state the urgency of the matter.

What a stupid dumb old fool.

there is no fool like an old fool

unfortunately this old fool is also a compulsive liar and financial abuser