The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past The Offy!!

[Mouseface]

Well, this is our tenth thread so we are throwing a little party!

Everyone is invited! No booze of course, soft drinks and mocktails only!

I'm Mouse, hello.

There are all kinds of drinkers on board the bus. Come and join the journey, whatever stage you are at, drinking, cutting down, wanting to stop or sober already.

Everyone is welcome to post here. Come say hi.

The journey so far is below.

JWN's original thread

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I think I am making myself less clear by trying to use images.

Let me, instead, pick a real example from either side of my sobriety and see if I can compare and contrast them.

1999 - my relationship of 5 years came to an end. Already drunk, I had a very tearful conversation with the woman concerned. I called her dad. A friend (who was actually to become my next victim) phoned up out of the blue, I wept down the phone at her, basically hung up in her face, drank more, passed out. This whole thing then dragged on for a week.

2004(ish) - my relationship of 2 years came to an end (though we later got back together and are still together.) I cried a bit; went to an AA meeting and told people how I was feeling; accepted that, while I could try to patch things up, it was at least partly her decision and I couldn't make her change her mind; had a good look at what, if any, part I had played in the break up; and then tried to accept that and move on. I did not drink.

In neither case was I able to change the outcome, or even deaden the pain that much, single handed. Yet in the former case I THOUGHT I could. That break up was much more painful, even though I already knew for about a year that it was dead in the water, whereas the second was much more of a surprise.

Drink made it worse, even as I was trying to use it to make things better - because it made me confuse what I could and couldn't change.

diabolik - sorry

I just get like that! I'm sure my hormentals play a huge part of it!!!

Don't leave me! I won't shoot you, I promise!

miflaw that makes some sense to me - there are times over the last few years where things have been really difficult.

Amongst the many things that have made me want to curl up in the corner with my back to the world, is the horrible guilt that I feel about what my marriage break up has done to the children - without going into detail my kids have had a very difficult start in life. We owed it to them to be the best that we could and we failed miserably.

Over the past 2 years I have drunk heavily as it seem to block things out - What it has done though has added to the guilt (though I would have denied that at the time) but also made me desperatley try to change things that couldn't be changed, to take on all of my DC's behaviour and pain as something that I needed to try to resolve. I felt totally inadequate and not good enough as a parent.

Since being sober, just in 3 weeks, I am so much more confident with them than I was. I recognise crappy teenage behaviour for what it is - I still feel the pain of having let them down, but I know that I can only do what I can do...I also know that I am the best that I can be for them now..which in my book is good enough.

Not sure how much sense that makes, but the difference I feel in my family is huge.

With the caveat that forums can be horrible at conveying what is really meant my 2p

MIFLAW - yup I see what you mean I would even say that during the second break up you not only accepted what happened but actually found a positive that even though of no consolation at the time. I am sure helped later in live i.e you say "had a good look at what, if any, part I had played in the break up; and then tried to accept that and move on"

witchetychicky

Makes perfect sense - its just another angle to the acceptance theme - perfectionism ie am I good enough in your case as a parent rather then accepting that your best is good enough and you don't have to be the idealized super mum version that you have in your head ...

Seems we are developing a theme ...

I had a bit of a kick up the arse yesterday. Went to pick DS up from school and got called in to a 'quick chat' with his teacher and the head mistress! They expressed their concern about his behaviour, the apparent 'frustration' he shows when interacting with other kids and the 'anger' with which he displays this. Asking about this home life, is he happy etc....

They called him upstairs and he was crying and said it was my fault.....his tea was always late and he was always late to bed, never time for stories......need I say more!

I have been failing him as a mother.....very at the moment.

Oh, spider, don't be so sad.

Honestly, you're not failing. Getting your son tea late and late to bed is not the end of the world, and he's blaming you because he can, it's a normal child thing to do.

How old is he, btw?

I have drunk a bottle of rose in 2 hours. My excuse? I have none.
I am worried by the fact I feel only mildly pissed.
Once upon a time I'd have started on DP's beers.
I'm leaving it here. Damage limitation yet again.

He's 8 and he's a bloomin' lovely lad......but what he says is true, mainly down to my dinking

Anyway, further proof for me that I need to knock it on the head....Day 5 and feeling shit, but more determined than ever....

dinking?!? that's 'drinking'

Luci - I thought we had done this to death no? What happened?

Talk to me.

luci - good for you for stopping now. Brush your teeth and make a cup of tea maybe?

spider - well, if that's the worst you do, and you say yourself he's a lovely lad, then you're doing pretty nicely, don't you think? Day 5 is great: you can do it and every day down is a win for you.

Thanks pumpkin

I suppose it could be worse. I just don't want him growing up blaming his 'alky' mother for all his problems!

tried to be v good - lime and soda while cooking dinner then went for a cup of low-cal hot chocolate stuff which was so fucking revolting i have had a small glass of wine to take away the taste! sorry

luci how are you doing? Never mind the rose, it's done and dusted. Don't beat yourself up. You've chosen to stop there, good call! I'm here for a while if you want to talk x

But Spider, if he did grow up blaming his mum for 'all his problems', that wouldn't be because you're an alcoholic - that'd be a problem of his own.

Besides which, on a practical level, he won't. You're not drinking, and you can keep on not drinking.

dementedma fuck that low-cal shit........what you need are Cadbury's Dairy Milk Hot Choc Chunks.....blocks of choc with liquid centre's that you melt into hit milk......scrummy

fingers crossed pumpkin, don't know if it's just 'cos I'm more aware of what is going on around me, not being in a drunken haze and all, but it was a wake up call for me, I was gutted when he said that!

ooh they sound yummy spidermunk - is that waht they are called? Hot Choc Chunks???

Of course you were, it's natural. And maybe it is partly to do with being more aware, as you say - so carry on, so let him see you getting more and more aware of how he's feeling. Actually, it sounds as if he's more trying to guilt-trip you and get your attention than anything else. So giving up the booze and getting to the point where he can see you're reacting to him when he says these things, is the best thing you could do.

I do feel sorry you're feeling so sad about it.

Ohhhhh ... now you've both made me want chocolate!

AND I've already eaten about half a litre of ice-cream today.

pumkin thanks, I wandered whether it was an attention thing but that just epasises wha the might have been lacking. I will sort it, for bth our sakes. Had a bit of a cry but I really am ok.

dementedma yes, Hot Choc Chunks, they come in one of those tetrapak milk carton style thingies.....individually wrapped like sweets, just open up, drop it in and stir like crazy

That's a chuffin' lot of ice-cream

"tried to be v good - lime and soda while cooking dinner then went for a cup of low-cal hot chocolate stuff which was so fucking revolting i have had a small glass of wine to take away the taste! sorry"

Sorry but that you had to have a glass of wine to take the taste away!!

That is the best excuse yet. Brilliant.

Hi spider wanted to respond to you about your horrible day but DD can't cope another minute without the computer so I'm getting booted off. (Of course in my state of sobriety I am making a decision to give in to her because I want to and not because I feel guilty about being a crap mother because I am half pissed - Big Difference!
x

Apologie for my spelling, I'm growing my nails and it makes typing a bit tricky....