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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

883 replies

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:08

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful Hmm

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super. Confused

I'm angry, can't you tell?

OP posts:
ElectricSoftParade · 26/09/2010 13:12

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot even imagine how angry and hurt you are feeling. Sorry, I have nothing really to add but did not want to read and run.

Wish you all the best ESP

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/09/2010 13:13

:( Christ, sorry Pfft. What has he got to say for himself?

DameGladys · 26/09/2010 13:14

God I'm so sorry.

A big part of it is the sheer volume of respect that you had for them just coming crashing down. It's vile to feel contempt for someone you held in such high esteem.

Thinking of you.

Lulumaam · 26/09/2010 13:15

Am really sorry.

what an arse.

what you going to do?

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/09/2010 13:19

Sad and Angry for you.

What happens now?

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 13:19

Sorry Sad. I remember how it felt to find all that.
What are your plans? Are you OK?

fuschiagroan · 26/09/2010 13:24

MSN, is he 12?

Sorry, that's not helpful. Can you salvage things? I know it's a betrayal, but you said it's only been going on 6 days. Is he sorry?

deburca · 26/09/2010 13:26

feel for you, my ex did that to me, gutted. He had actually got the stage of driving this girl around picking out apartments - or so i was told

hugs

x

Debs

UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 13:28

mine was on msn too Sad.

So sorry to hear this, how did you find out?

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:30

I know fuschia! It is helpful because it's what I'm thinking!

He is sorry - that he has hurt me. He trotted out a few standard excuses - "it was when we hadn't had sex for a while" (A WEEK! DD was waking 5 times a night!) etc but I shot that shit down, he can't pull that bollocks on me.

The worst thing, obsolute worst, is that he is maintainig that it is NOT cheating as it is not real, she is faceless (not true, he knows her name and he certainly knows what her tits look like) and that this is just about what we each see as acceptable.

I did say that why would I forgive someone who thought such things were acceptable, when A) he knew for a fact I thought they were not acceptable and B)does he think we will just continue and he can do such things again?

We are both members of another forum, this woman (married) is someone from there, they started messaging on the forums, progressed to e-mails (dirty) and then to sex on MSN. All in secret, all while I was in bed, or ill, or he was at work.

OP posts:
grapeandlemon · 26/09/2010 13:31

Oh no:(

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:33

Utterly - Sad sorry for you, how long ago was it?

I found out this morning, I walked past him when he was doing something on his phone and saw a message that started "good morning". I casually said "what are you doing?" suspecting nothing, and he hid it. It went from there - I could tell he was lying, he seemed guilty. He tried to tell me they were chatting as friends and I was unreasonable. In true MN dirty man style, he admitted to a little at a time, but I pulled it all out of him, demanded the phone, checked all the messages (he hadn't deleted any of them, fuckwit!). It took ages for me to give the phone to him, but I just KNEW. And told him that He could either give the phone to me or it was over.

I did tell him that I would be speaking to a solicitor tomorrow and he was shocked as shit.

OP posts:
UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 13:34

It would appear he has had a very busy six days!!

What are you going to do pfft?

fuschiagroan · 26/09/2010 13:34

You must refuse to take any blame. He is such a loser. I hope you can make it work though, because it seems such a pathetic thing to end a marriage over (not that your reaction is pathetic, just the action itself - presumably you have a lot of good stuff together and it would be a shame if you lost all that because he behaved like a tit). He has to take the blame though. Technology blurs a lot of boundaries like this, because it's so easy for it to be anonymous and also you can delete things.

UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 13:36

About three weeks ago, not long. He pulled the "we weren't getting on" shit as well. Said it was just dirty chat on msn but who knows. I caught him out as well Sad. (My thread was - I confronted him and he confessed).

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 13:36

FWIW I have been through this over two splits (same man, he hadn't changed much), dozens of excuses and millions of promises to change. If a week off sex makes him think it is OK to do this then he is a nobber and a lying nobber.
Think very carefully about what you want from a relationship before listening to his excuses/bollocks.

StudiousSal · 26/09/2010 13:41

Hi Pfft sorry you are going through this, my EX did exactly the same, even the same excuse you're H gave.

Thing that got me in the end was that he wasn't sorry really, just bloody sorry he got caught, I forgave him, however he did it again and that was it for me, his bags got packed and his arse didn't touch the floor when I booted him out, he was addicted to the sleezy texting, and I knew it was only time before he would arrange to meet the woman, I later found out the day I kicked him out he'd arranged to meet the woman at another town, he'd even booked a bed and breakfast for them both. He never made it though, he had to find somewhere else to live instead.

As far as I know now he's still doing it, except once these women meet him they never stop or make excuses to leave early, they must have the sense to see what I didn't, wish I had though, could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 13:44

pfft, where is he now?

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:44

Utterly, I will read that in a minute, so sorry for you, so soon as well Sad

fushcia - yes, I did say that he shouldn't put this on me. We have been a little lacking these last 2 weeks in sex, but we have a good sex life! It is pathetic. He said that it didn't seem real, that he doesn't think it was inappropriate. That she was faceless.

utterly - he initially said they were friends, when I got the phone I said "Is there anything else you want to tell me before I look at these messages?" and he admitted that she had sent him photo. I asked if he had sent one, he denied (vehemently) I found out that he had. Then I found out about the msn, but I had to drag it out of him. For all I know, there is more. I'm not sure I care that much.

Tippy you are right. We have been very clear, I have always been very clear that secret chats, flirting, sexy talk online is not on, and i have ALWAYS said that I do not forgive cheaters. He said that he was not a cheater.

When I said that I wanted a divorce (we have been together for 10 years, 2 DC) he went loopy, crying, saying he needed me, he loved me more than anything, he wouldn't leave, he couldn't do this without me, .....it was odd, ike watching my life on the TV, or something. I just told him to get away from me.

He has taken the kids to soft play.

OP posts:
Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:46

Urgh Sal, it's vile isn't it?

sorry for you.

Utterly, is your thread in relationships?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 26/09/2010 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 13:50

I was the same, always said that at the first hint he'd be out. That even a drunken kiss would count as cheating (this was pre-FB etc at first). Then when I found a similar trail to yours I let it carry on again and again as he came up with every excuse under the sun. Don't let it happen to you: it's shit.
What do you feel you need to do? Have you got someone you can talk to in RL or who can support you? Can you ask him to leave for a couple of nights if you need to?

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:50

I know this is about boundaries. There will be people out there who don't view what he has done (swapping photos, internet sex - proper, cock in vagina sex, dirty talk, sending erotic stories) as cheating. He certainly doesn't.

But I do.

And I always have, this has been clear. And even though, he thinks he has done nothing wrong (fucks me off in itself) he KNEW that I would think it was cheating, and he admitted this.

This is not like porn. We watch porn (I know a lot of people don't like it), I spend a good portion of my time with the twi-sluts reading dirty stories. He has been interacting with a real woman, talking to her, getting off with her, wanking while he talks to her, he knows her name, and he kept it from me. We watch porn together, and we talk about together. That was out in the open, part of our boundaries. HE lied about this.

OP posts:
UtterlyDevastated · 26/09/2010 13:54

Yes, in relationships.

What is the plan when he returns?

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 13:54

You're right. Doesn't matter if your agreed relationship boundaries involved not looking at page 3 - if he agreed and knew how you felt and then reneged on it and lied then it's as bad as cheating.

I find it almost worse that a drunken shag because it was a repeated cold-blooded action that could have been stopped: he could have thought any one of a dozen times "I won't reply to that as Pfft would be gutted". But he let his knob override his sense and your feelings. Then lied some more.