Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

Pfft - He's lying re talking to her and 'Googling' her. He asked where she works and she told him. Simple as that. They have been having normal every day conversations as well as the smutty stuff. He knows her name FFS. And I bet he knows a whole lot more too.

He has more to reveal. And he will. He will also contradict himself an awful lot so my advice is to make a note of what you find, what he tells you, etc so that he doesn't try to trip you up or back track.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you have to switch to survival mode IYSWIM.

The email entitled 'shit' was to her. I'd bet anything on that.

He's very sorry I'm certain, sorry he got caught. If he hadn't I think that he would've carried on. And taken it to the next level.

You need to find out how far this has actually gone and just as important, how far he wanted it to go.

He has nothing to lose now, the cat is out of the bag, the damage is done so why not just get it over with and tell you everything?

But he won't. He still thinks that he can hold a little back and everything will ok.

I don't think he wanted to hurt you, he wanted his cake and eat it. He got away with it for as long as he did but his luck just ran out.

And now he has to realise the gravity of his actions. The fact that he stands to lose you and his home life, his safe little world that he came home to each night, seeing his children every day, put them to bed each night, his comfort zone. He stands to lose it all but he never thought he would.

Which is why he is playing this down to you. He is shitting himself now that he understands just what he has done.

So the chances are he won't disclose the truth to try and lesson the blow.

But you can't do anything until you know it all. All the gory details. The lot. Don't let him bullshit you. Then again, I don't think that you will!!

Sorry for my ramble

I appreciate that you are shocked and in distress at the moment and none of this is intended in any way as criticism or blame, just another possible explanation.
Are you sure the woman 'exists'? By this I mean there are various services which offer 'sexy texting' and the 'women' on them are not exactly real people, well the messages are sent by real people but 'Saucy Sally' and the rest consist of a set of old glamour shots and 150 different operators employed by the service company to send the messages.
If this is possible here, then if it's possible your H understood this from the beginning and considered his messages with the 'woman' a part of his fantasy life in the same way that he might have considered - and you might have considered - your interest in the Twisluts slashfic to be a harmless and 'not real' part of your fantasy life?

SGB, Pfft knew of the woman from another forum so it wasn't just a sex line thing.If her husband found out she must exist surely? I don't see why he'd say she did if she didn't.

Pfft - X posted! Great work on the e-mails. Well done.

You are doing really well to have gotten this far, I see your 'survival' mode has already kicked in!

Mouseface - I agree with you. The e-mail entitled "shit" was sent to her after I found out. I have read it - it was in his deleted folder. It said that his wife and children mean everything to him and that everything seems so simple now. Ha! I have found that he signed up to MSN on the 20th and straight away got an email from her, so I got him to confirm that he did it to e-mail her.

OH GOD SGB - that would make a lot of things a lot better tbh. She is real. I have read the e-mails, been on his other FB page. I have seen the awful photos of her tits.

I see what you are saying. I read erotica (albeit twi-related but still) in the same way that he/we use porn. To get turned on, as entertainment. I see what you are saying but feel that this is very different. We do this stuff together, as part of our sex life. I think that you have a point, in that he saw it as fantasy. But I think that actually it might have gone further than that - real names, real information. It was odd - they would chat in e-mails about their genitals in the same lines as talking about their OH's and what they were doing tonight...

Pfft - what a shocker re the normal conversations about everyday life along with the smut. NOT!

What a twat he is. And a stupid one at that. And look, the line about his family meaning everything to him. He is shitting it isn't he.

I hope that you continue to stay strong and get to the truth Pfft. You deserve that from him at the very least. xx

Pfft, I am sorry you are going through such horrible, horrible things.

I think you are right in demanding your DH admits he has been doing something wrong. Until he figures it out, admits it, and gives up on this "woman" and the associated fantasy, then there can be no way forward.

But I also agree with everyone else- don't be rash. Don't throw your marriage away on this. By all means speak to a solicitor, scare him away, perhaps even force him to move out for a while, but try to keep some line of communication open.

THere is something that bothers me a bit about your description and it's how you watch porn together, but it's something he initiated, and you don't care. Sounds to me like you've been going along with his fantasies rather creating some genuinely shared ones.

All this sort of stuff CAN be worked out with the help of a good therapist. But agree, first he has to admit he has a problem. Or rather, he IS a problem.

Also- sorry- but don't rely solely on MN for advice. I mean this in the best possible way but for all the right reasons people on here are very quick to support YOU, without necessarily understanding the complex dynamics and ramifications of your life. People will always be more extreme/ black and white on a forum. Life is more shaded and complex. Talk to a trusted RL friend. Call Relate.

But for the time being, yes, be pissed off. be very pissed off.

Great post Mystic. Especially about getting RL support.

Hi Pfft, I'm so sorry you are going through this, my H did similar (and worse) and he also maintained it wasn't cheating, whilst I believe that it is. However, when I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed i.e. if I was texting/e-mailing another man, well, that WASN'T acceptable for him

It does really hurt I know.

Hugs x

Thank you Mystic. You are (of course) right. I feel like this is the place to vent my anger and get practical advice about what to do. It is quite easy to get tied down in the emotions of everything with him.

I told him that we need to talk tonight and then he needs to stay away. Go somewhere else for a few days.

I've been very bitty with the info I have given about our sex life. I am comfortable with everything, Mystic. I see hwo it could seem otherwise, but I am (or was) sexually fulfilled and happy with the way things were. We were not big porn users. Sometimes, maybe. And when I say we were spicing things up, we started this a year ago. So things have been great. I don't even think it is about our sex life. Though youare all right, looking at the internet history, there is A LOT of porn on there. More than we would watch together. Every day.

It's not a boundary issue, but I think it's all tied up.

I am having trouble with the computer. I want to see the temp files, shit like that but he is using Linux (fedora) and I'm not sure where I should be looking. Can anyone help?

Pfft - maybe post the question about the computer in 'geeky stuff'?

They have helped me in the past.

shiny - what happened to you?

SO I found a message from him sent yesterday. While sitting in the sitting room with me. She was missing online as her husband had discovered what was going on. He says that he has been watching the e-mail all day waiting for her and that he wants to continue with what they are doing - he wants things to stay the same.

Then in a later mail he says that he loves her name and always wanted to marry someone with a name like that.

He has changed tack now. All sorry and accepted it was wrong. Says it was just easy. He sent her a picture of his chest while he was at work. Says he will do whatever I want to make it work.

I asked him how he thought this could all possibly play out and he said that he had hoped he could end it and I would never find out. So he never even planned to come clean.

How did he hope to end it? When? If he was saying yesterday he wanted it to carry on.

Saying it was easy would not be giving me confidence for the future tbh. That's really not any kind of justification.

Yes. I feel the same. I asked him how he would end it, if yesterday he was given the opportunity to end things. She was gone, he could have seen the light and stopped things. But he begged for them to continue.

Am so angry for you Pfft :( and sorry that you are being put through this

DP had a 'non physical' affair a while ago so I know how it feels.

His email yesterday suggests he doens't believe he was wrong despite what he's saying to you now and has every intention of carrying on. Under these circumstances I would be ending it.

In my eyes it doesn't matter if nothing physical happened, and couples counselling has reafirmed this, what matters is if you're doing something that you wouldnt want your partner to know about then you're doing something wrong.

Nobber. I am very cross for you - and yes I am projecting- but it makes me so angry, the sheer number of cheating crapbaskets out there.
Are you OK now? Has he gone, did I miss that bit?

He is still here, with the children we have not had time alone. We are going to talk this evening and then he is going to spend the next couple of nights with a friend.

That sounds sensible. You are being very sane about it all IMHO. Well done
(not at all sarky, I am very admiring of your measured behaviour)

I am ashamed to say that I did email the woman. This morning, after I found out. I told her that I had seen the picture of her breasts and that they were lovely. I said that I was in possession of the picture now and wondered if her husband would like to offer his opinion?

I should not have done it, I know. My husband is married to me.

If you haven't actually seen anything to confirm that her H knows, be sceptical. Sometimes this is said by the OW on discovery, to stop an angry wife phoning her H to tell him. Or this might have been a lie by your H to guilt-trip you into not contacting her, because the other family was in meltdown too.

If he insists that this was the truth and you have evidence to support it, this suggests that despite the risk of an angry man turning up on your doorstep, possibly in front of your DCs, your H wanted things to continue and presumably, for the OW to lie to her H about her activity, even after discovery.

I don't think this about your sex life either. I do think there are huge links to his porn use though and finding a RL stranger to act out these fantasies. However, it seems once that person was sourced, he started forming an emotional connection to this woman, if the guff words in his messages are anything to go by.

I'd echo the advice about writing down everything he tells you today, because although your senses are on high alert at the moment, you won't hear everything you're being told and since I suspect he will be changing his story like mad with every new bit of (incontrovertible) information you uncover, you will need to compare versions.

Well in the grand scheme of evil deeds, I think you're still up on her. So I wouldn't worry

thanks for that Tippy

WWIFN - I know that he found out, as there is evidence of it on the e-mails that they have exchanged. She disappeared for a while, he wanted to know why and she said that she was nearly single again, as he knew what was going on.

I hate the fact that he asked her to carry on. It's not something that he got carried away with. It happened and he wanted it to continue. He could have ended it then but he didn't.

nearly single in a sad way, she was sad because he hhad found out, not in a "yeay, we can be together way".

He clearly considered all the implications. He set ground rules before they started, FFS