Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

so he sat down and thought out exactly how he was going to betray you?

That is so cold. I'm really sorry for you.

Yes, he told her that they would never meet, that they shouldn't talk on the phone.

He said that it was exciting.

So sorry Pfft, what a dickhead.

Ask him why fulfilling his masturbatory fantasies with this ( rather odd imho - who does that kind of thing? ) woman were more important to him than his wife and his children - I'd love to know his answer to that one.

well, he tells you that he told her that...

If it's true, then was it about having total control?

Not that it matters. He made a choice. Now you get to make yours.

I don't understand why people do it. Why they do something they know will hurt the person they purport to love and they are happy to do it and then are full of tears and apologies if they're caught. They don't care what they did. They care that they got caught. They'd have been happy to make a fool of the person they claim to love for ever, if they could get away with it.

What are you going to do? Do you think you'll take him back?

Pfft

That you saw the e-mmail about her name. Twatty McTwatface.

So, he knew she is married and her him and yet they still continued? His behaviour seems almost calculated. He seems to have planned some things.

The fact that he was concerned as to where she was when he didn't hear from her is soul destroying for you but you need to use how you feel and channel into blocking your feelings for him IYSWIM.

He had no intention of stopping contacting her when her H found out did he.

Oh Pfft. How awful. It's the truth that you need to deal with this however you see best, but that truth, as he tells it to you and you discover more, is the thing that hurts the most.

Do your DC's suspect anything? Are they ok? Have you eaten today?

One of the best questions to use in this situation is:

"How did you give yourself permission to do this?"

and then some further questions about that process. You see, at some level, this must have been normalised as acceptable behaviour, clearly as long as you didn't find out.

I agree with WhenwillIfeelnormal above. Brilliant question to pose. He will have normalised and permitted himself his behaviour, and he'll have some answers (even if he keeps them to himself) about why it was ok / why he wanted to behave like this.

His justifications, should you get to hear them will shine a light on his satisfaction at home, within the family - and may not be pleasant to hear - but it might be the closest you'll come to his 'truth', should that be of any interest to you.

You've every right to feel rejected, but he may not consider that he has rejected you - he may regard his actions as 'topping up' on an already enjoyable life. I.e: If you both want it / value it enough, the marriage could reform into a good one.

Pfft :(

I'm so sorry. He is a moron of the highest order, and I hope you have indeed cut off his dick.

I have no advice to add to what has already been given, just wanted to add a hand squeeze to the pile.

He said that he did it because there was nothing stopping him

He thought at the time that he should be able to say those things to her if he wanted to, so he did. He wanted to be able to do things like that, as well as having a marriage.

He didn't rationalise it, he says that it progressed quickly, and little by little got more inappropriate.

I can't eat anything. I assume this is normal.

Totally normal. Shit, but normal. Do keep trying, though.

Pfft

Yes the not eating is normal but try to and have lots of water.

I'm sorry to say that the more he tells you, the more that you find out about, the more sordid and unbearable this will become.

He had and has no regard for how all of this will make you feel. This was between the two of them and you have now been caught in the crossfire as it were. As has her husband.

He needs to leave. He needs to give you space and time.

Do you have someone in RL that you can talk to? I really hope that you do.

You can't deal with this on your own or with us, you need a friend that can come and sit with you for a while.

So sorry that you are facing this.

Whatever you decide, don't do it yet. You need time to digest all of this. Especially as and when new things come to light.

Thanks, Mouseface. I think I will have to tell my mother tomorrow. He is sleeping on the sofa and getting a train to London in the morning.(He works there) I have asked him to stay away until Friday night.

I'll call my Mum in the morning and ask about going to see her.

I knwo I shouldn't make a decision now. Not with all this anger and hurt roiling around. My instinct is to end it. I did tell him that he needs to tell me anythign, that if I find out later that there was more, or ever has been more, then that would be it no questions, not taking into account any other decisions that I might make.

would be think it was worth it, watching that man raise his children?

I know you are angry, but saying things like this is NOT a good idea. Children are not a weapon, no matter how mad you might be.

Pfft

I bet you are exhausted too. Yes, talk to your mother. You need a RL person to help you get through this. We all do. And I bet she'll surprise you at just how supportive she is.

I never wanted to involve anyone at first. I could fix it, I could deal with it, I was fine as was DD etc......

But eventually, you'll need to tell someone.

Try and have something to eat. Even if you don't feel like chewing food, soup.

You need to be there for the DCs. They need you now more than ever and they will pick up that something is wrong.

Maybe, for the time being, tell them that Daddy is working away this week and will be back at the weekend?

Keep it simple and real.

You are doing the right thing by getting some space.

You know how you'll feel, you've read it on here too many times. You've seen the threads. You know the score but this time, it's you.

Be gentle with yourself and keep talking/posting whatever.

Just try to get some sleep. The life that you knew 24hours ago, is no more. What you do next is up to you. YOU are in control here.

Stay strong xx

footlong, I agree that children are not a weapon

but it is surprising how this concept, that actually a cheated-upon woman may choose do a little fucking-around herself, does not occur to these self-entitled men

my husband knows, if he were to breach the vows of our marriage, there is no way on earth I would sit at home crying

oh no

I'll have some of that, thank you very much

and this time next year, perhaps some other bloke will be "mummy's exciting new partner" and you will be a fucking McDonalds daddy

harsh, but let's get real here

goose, gander

Not everyone is as strong or warped (in the nicest possible way) as you AF.

Your approach is perfectly valid if it helps you cope.. or even just makes you feel better IMO

My point is more the fact that the deeds of the morally incorrect parent do not transfer to the parent, no matter how much the aggrieved parent may wish it.

The fact that Pffts husband has done this, does not give her the right to choose a new dad for them, or even choose who will raise them.

If a woman cheats on a man, he doesnt get to say.. 'yeah well yuo are a slag so I am getting the kids a new mummy!'.

But I am sure Pfft just said this in the heat of the moment, and my anlysis is getting a bit to deep for this situation. It was just my small piece of advice for her moving forward. He might have fucked up his marriage, but he is still the kids dad. And threatening to replace him with a new dad..... bad idea.

Evening AF

Footlong - I doubt that Pfft posted what she did with a clear head and also very much doubt that she would actually use her children as weapons.

As you pointed out, she is (quite rightly) angry!

Yes, AF.
I meant what I said about the children, footlong, but not in a threatening way. I just wanted him to see the consequences of his actions. I was asking him if he was thinking about these things when he was pissing around with her. That we could get a divorce, eventually I would meet someone else andthe children would know this man, he would be with them all the time. that DH would see them every other weekend and owuld feel awkward talking to them because he doesn't know them any more.

Because this is what he risked when he did what he did. Our family. I wouldn't threaten him with not seeing them, or use them to say "ha ha look what you did"....but it's still true. It's easy - to do what you like with your dick, and not have to think what will happen. Will the woman have a cry and get over it, things will go back to normal and he will never have to suffer? I wanted him to appreciate the wide ranging long term effects of what he has done.

of course he is the kid's dad

he chose for himself not to be the partner of their mother (should the OP decide he has no way back)

it is her choice now...he has given it to her, on a plate

her to do with, as she sees fit

Spot on.

But footlong, that's not what I said. I didn't say that I would get them a new Daddy! Don't be ridiculous.

I did point out that as a result of his cheating, he may well not be seeing them every day, that he has traded a lot for his fling. That this is a choice that he has made. It IS true that with a child under 2, that if we split and I meet someone else, that man will spend more time with them than their father. This is true, not me threatening.

well said footlong

ppfft, I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in x

warped ??

make me feel better ?

what would make me feel better, and less "warped" is for the bloke who made vows to stay faithful actually did that

not rocket science, not really

It is most likely what was implied though Pfft, and most definately what he would have heard.

And it looks like we are going to fundamentally disagree on what hsi role could eb going forward. You might be in for a surprise if yout hink he will only get to see them 1 weekend every 2 weeks. But thats for the courts to decide (and who knows what you both choose). He could go for joint custody.

But this is getting a bit off the point I was trying to make anyway. Using the kids as a wepaon, no matter how justified you think you are is a bad idea.

He would have heard you say that and instantly things change. If he is a smart guy, he will not leave the house now. He will not allow you to claim in court he abandoned you. He might stick it out the whole way through.. and then have a much better chance of much more access... or even joint custody.
Whereas if you hadnt threatened him with replacement, he might have decided it was all going to be amicable and the best approach was to give you space and time.

I am hesiatent to criticise or judge you, because you are the aggrieved party, and it is VERY tought for you. Just pointing out a mistake I think you are making. Take it or leave it.