Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

I agree with you Pfft, it's cheating in my eyes, emotional cheating, as I later found out they start out as friends then they get involved more emotionally, well this was the explanation my Ex gave me, and it was only time before they wanted to take it further and they would have if he hadn't of been found out by me.

The lying was the worst part for me, all the trust went. Even if I wanted him back again I would have no idea how you can re-build trust.

I can imagine that, in a way, he probably sees her in the same way he might see a girl on a webcam or maybe a prostitute (not saying that she is one or that he would go to one). IMO it does cross a line, but it's not that far off from wanking to videos online. There is no feeling in it at all, is there? It's not emotional at all. You and the children are far more important.

I can completely see why you are upset and I would be too, but I think ultimately I would not end the relationship over this. However there is no harm in letting him think you might! I would not relent until he is totally sorry and realises that he could have lost you over it, so hopefully he will not do it again.

Yes - he took the time to type out an erotic story to her involving him and her, paragraphs and paragraphs of talk of what he was doing to her.

Shineon - He says that it was nothing beyond chat, that he had actually had a conversation with her where he told her that this was not to progress into anything "real" ...I think he wanted me to be impressed with him I said "very honourable" and made this face:
Could you all forgive something like this? - I ask this but TBH don't think I can. He is not who I thought he was. He is not honest, he is not loyal, and he is not loving. He's a liar.

Do you think he should go and stay at relatives for a couple of days, just to give you some space to think, and make him reflect on how much he has hurt you, and also to think what he could lose if he doesn't stop. I would make him sweat.

It's different if it was a sex line these women get paid for doing it no emotions involved, but it was someone you both knew that for me is crossing a bloody big line they have both deceived you, and yes usually there has to be a spark there for them to do this type of thing, they don't just start off dirty texting straight away, they form a "special" friendship and it leads on from there,

He's a liar and he's a bit pathetic.
It amazes me that so called mature adults behave like this, it's very teenage imho.
I couldn't and wouldn't forgive, if my husband was having serious sexual thoughts about someone else, let alone acting on them - yuck basically, I would lose all the respect I have for him.
I find it very sleazy, creepy even, tbh.

It's as real an infidelity as if he met her in a travelodge to have sex with her.

The lying is just as much a betrayal as him carrying on an online sexual relationship with her.

How remorseful do you think he actually is, how did he feel about you catching him out?. He could at any point leading up to all this said no.

He probably does not regard what he did as cheating in his mind because it was not directly physical. This is still emotional affair territory though; the emotional energy that he should have been investing in both you and the marriage went to her instead.

Are you still planning on visiting the solicitor tomorrow?.

I don't know her, SOCD - but I know of her, on the another forum. We have cross posted, stuff like that but I have never talked to her directly. I do need to calm down, you are right. There were a few tears but mostly anger.

I did say to him that I thought he was unfaithful, that what he did was unacceptable.

Shiney, I think that he's the one throwing away their marriage.
If he'd risk his marriage over something so "trivial" ( in his mind) what else would he risk it for?

"Yes - he took the time to type out an erotic story to her involving him and her, paragraphs and paragraphs of talk of what he was doing to her."

It sounds like incredibly elaborate fantasising. If it had been just in his head, rather than written down, would you feel the same? Is there any difference between the two? In a fantasy, the person you are having sex with is just a faceless, passive object - this sounds the same.

malificence has it - the loss of respect because it's so sleazy and pathetic. That was as much of a deal-breaker (finally) for me than the cheating.

I agree though that you don't seem sure at all about throwing him out and that you should consider if counselling may work for you. Others have managed to work past this.

People can survive emotional affairs but do you think he will put the hard emotional work in. It will be a very painful process for you both. He has to both admit and take responsibility for the damage to his marriage.

Relate may be helpful to you.

When I found him out? He was panicky. I had to drag the truth from him. He felt sad and distressed that I was hurt - he kept saying "I would never do anything to hurt you" , but maintaining that it was not cheating. Yes, he said it was sleazy and nasty but not cheating. Which is bollocks as he knows what I think.

Mal - it is pathetic, you are right. He keep trying to cuddle me and the thought makes me feel sick. I kind of stepped outside myself, like I was watching some badly acted drama. All the while he was crying and saying sorry all I could think was "fuck off" like my emotions had been cut off.

I asked him if it was worth it? If seeing her tits, if fucking her online (yes, he didn't do it for real, but he told another woman what he was going to do with his dick) was worth it? Worth hardly seeing the children? If when I met someone else down the line and got married again (HA! fucking never) would be think it was worth it, watching that man raise his children?

I think he thinks we will work it through. I told him to leave and he said no but we will talk again when he gets back.

I have heard so many stories about this happening, not just on here but to friends in RL. I don't know what to say as it hasn't happened to me, no man in my life.

It's so easy and tempting behind a computer screen. I will admit to having experimented myself, honestly just out of curiosity, just once, it's not something I want to repeat but in no way would I think I had anything real with the other person.

I would probably be furious but if they haven't actually done anything in RL then I would wait a bit before making any decisions. Of course if and when you can get over this tell him to stop of you will walk.

So sorry for you, makes you wonder, if men cannot help themselves now that this is open to anyone with a computer.

It is very new, though. You ARE going to feel crappy about it for a while. But does this one con really outweigh all the pros, such as your children having both parents living together and the stability that gives?

What if he continues to maintain that what he has done is not cheating?. He has to take his share of the responsibility here. Emotional affairs are yet another form of cheating; he has spent this emotional energy on her rather than you. He is a very weak man.

I know.

Thank you ladies, for talking to me. I don't want to move this into real life yet.

The worst thing is that I keep thinking - if he think it's acceptable, then has he done it before?

Pfft, yes I am alot calmer now but it has been a few weeks. As far as I am aware my x was no way as involved as your H but the devastation is the same.

You could talk to him a long the lines of, look you have blown it so just come clean, who, what, why and when.

Didn't want to mention that Pfft but yes. This is what you've found out - the thing about lying men is that you can never be sure if there was more.

It does sound as if he's sorry but still maintaining it wasn't cheating and refusing to consider moving out (as you asked). Don't let him tell you this was in any way your fault or refuse to accept whatever you need him to do to start to make amends.

yes - how can one go to counselling or move on with someone who refuses to accept that they ahve done anything wrong?

Answer: You can't.

He would never admit if there were more as I could not find proof.