I have no words. £1.6 million Brentwood, Essex

[Another2Cats]

Just as the title, I really do have no words to quite capture how I feel about this property.

However, I do admire that whoever currently owns it went full-in on following their own aesthetic.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/170432882#/?channel=RES_BUY

I find it telling that the 'interior designers' who own it don't seem to want to be identified (according to that article)! Imo, they're not terribly good if interior design is their profession.

It's actually a very small house (although there's apparently scope to convert the attic rooms) with loads of outbuildings making up the overall square footage. Additionally, a few of the rooms are very narrow.

I'm a period property person, so it wouldn't appeal to me, but, being very much a maximalist when it comes to my own home, I'm in the 'better than beige' camp - at least it's a house with personality. And whilst I hate much of it, I not only admire the vendors' vision and commitment, but also actually like one or two elements. The G.O.A.T swim spa looks great fun (but then I miss my hot tub!).

I hate it but I think someone’s tongue was firmly in their cheek

Cheap for Brentwood but it is 5 miles from station. Is this the secret nuclear bunker?

part of me does too 🫠

… or a ‘all you can catch’ sex party.

I like it. I have giraffe toilet/paper towel roll holders and a tropical living room, though. I thought the boat shaped pool was genius. I'm from generations of immigrants via the sea, my Dad from SA, so i'd be in my element in that back garden. You could easily swap the rooms around and redo the bathroom. The selling point is the outside.

Looks like a corporation community centre! No soul whatsoever!

I think my DS17 would absolutely bloody love that house.

I think it's Gemma Collins

Perhaps I'm in the minority but I actually don't mind the floor plan. The kids bedrooms are a bit narrow but still a decent size and we're not really a "bedroom" family, nobody spends any time in them. The master is ok too. Then I like the big open plan family space especially given that there's a separate office in the garden and we'd probably turn the bar area into a self contained guest suite so family would have somewhere to stay. I reckon I could redecorate it and live there quite happily in terms of the actual house.

There aren't enough words for how much I hate the outside space though. 🤣

Could it be a rainforest shower? I wish there were photos of the owners and designer as well as their finished work. I was guessing rich Africans or a Colombian drug lord's mistress, but footballer (or top range darts player) is also a good guess.

I bet there's a current you can swim against in that boat shaped above ground pool, I think there might just be room for one of those in my back garden, if I flattened the plants and flowers.

That must be a c-list sleb, or possibly an influencer with a TKMaxx sponsorship?

The MUGA gives it creepy primary school vibes 😅

I would love a giraffe or zebra for the garden though!

Hmm. I am feeling the draw of my roots, as I kind of like parts of it.
Just goes to show that you can take the girl out of Essex, but you can’t take Essex out of the girl 🤣

It must belong to a Championship footballer. Millwall?

If you had a tribe of sporty social kids would be amazing!

Just the same here 😂

Wow, I thought Brentwood was expensive? Thats a lot of house for the price and whilst certainly OTT most of it is easily remediable.

I imagine Amy Childs living there!

Bedrooms are tiny for all that bling

Not a footballers house, its a boxers house I think, or some sort of fighting based 'sport' - looking at the weights and also there is a boxer with the nickname Tona in the UK (its written above the door to the bar 'Tona's' )

Absolutely belongs to someone who believes their additions to it have doubled its value!

There must have been a bulk buy discount on the 'fibre glass animal' range on Amazon!

Pity that Amazon doesn't have Semtex on bulk buy discount. There really are some incredibly ugly houses being built at the moment.

Doesn't g.o.a.t stand for The Greatest Of All Time?😂

Never! Has to be someone from Towie!

What's incredible is that they have spend so much money on blinging up a 3 bed house! Surely you would extend it, even if you didn't want to use the rooms much yourself, knowing that it is going to be devalued without it. I mean, for what they spent, why is it not a 5 bed house?!

Part of me quite likes it and part of me hates it.

It looks like a drug dealer's house though, an obviously very financially successful one!