Cannot decide if we want our son to attend a private school or not

[Londonhoneycake]

I am 43 and attended a state school, although it was in a fairly middle-class, well-off area. My husband is 47 and went to a private school. We have two boys, aged 9 and 7, and we have started looking ahead at secondary schools for our eldest. We’ve attended open days and open mornings and met with heads of schools, but we’re still unsure whether to send him to a state school or go down the private route.

We aren’t wealthy. We could afford private school fees, but only just, and because of that my husband’s parents have offered to help with the costs. I’m not sure how I feel about that, whereas my husband is very much in favour of it.

I’d really like to hear from parents who weren’t completely sure either. We have good state schools nearby, some within walking distance, and I feel our children would benefit from attending a “normal” local school. My husband strongly wants them to go to a private school, but I’m conflicted because I disapprove of a system that reinforces inequality and gives children advantages purely based on their parents’ or guardians’ wealth.

I want our children to be educated alongside the majority. I also work closely with an education think tank, much of which focuses on strengthening state education, so it would feel quite hypocritical to send my children to private school given the values that underpin my work.

An inheritance later on will probably give them a leg up on the housing ladder, which nowadays for young people is a huge challenge.

If local state schools are good it’s a no brainer, why pay huge sums when the teaching is pretty much the same. If the local state schools are poor then for sure go private.

I think it really depends how 'fine' your local state schools are.

Unfortunately the outcomes at our local senior schools are poles apart compared to the private school my kids go/went to. That's before you get into everything else that private offers on top in terms of facilities, sport, music. Private been fantastic for my children. HOWEVER, financially it's an enormous strain and the increase in fees (both due to VAT and the school just upping the fees all the time) has been beyond stressful. Our lives - and certainly our retirement - would look a whole lot easier if they had gone to state school!

That said, I can't really regret it, though, because they have had such a brilliant time - and my eldest (who is now at uni) did incredibly well, which is thanks to the school in many ways.

In terms of your own position, if your in-laws are helping, I think I would take them up on the offer. Yes, it means less (or no) money in terms of what your kids will later inherit in terms of help to get on the housing ladder. But that is far down the line, and the majority of young people do eventually manage to become homeowners with no help, despite the challenges. You only get one education...

Also @redskydelight - unfortunately the impact on earnings does still play out to an extent. A quick question into AI throws this up -

Privately educated individuals in the UK generally earn significantly more than their state-educated peers, with studies showing a substantial salary premium that widens over time, even when controlling for university, subject, and job, suggesting non-academic factors like networks and 'soft skills' contribute to higher lifetime earnings, potentially adding hundreds of thousands to total income by middle age.

Key Findings:

• Early Career: Private school graduates earn more quickly; one study showed they earned around £1,300 more annually just six months after starting high-status jobs, a gap that grew to over £4,000 within three years.
• Lifetime Earnings: By age 42, a privately educated person might earn £193,700 more than a state-educated counterpart, with a significant premium remaining even after accounting for family background and prior attainment.
• Specific Figures: A 2022 analysis found private school pupils earning £10,000 more by age 30 (around £33k vs. £23k for state pupils not from low-income backgrounds).
• Persistent Premium: Even when controlling for university, degree, and job, private school alumni still earn about 6-7% more, suggesting benefits beyond just better university access.
• Contributing Factors: While higher educational attainment explains some of the difference, factors like assertiveness, articulacy, and access to networks (especially in finance/business) are linked to the persistent salary gap

PE can be fantastic although getting on for 30k a year you would want it to be bloody fantastic.
My main concern would be if the gps struggle to pay & the additional costs eg school bus is 3k a year.

Also - unfortunately the impact on earnings does still play out to an extent. A quick question into AI throws this up -

Your post is true but I think things are changing somewhat eg more people went to private school in the past whereas now you have more state educated people in high positions & some companies do look at background when recruiting.

are you sure your son would even get into DC

I know a fair few who didn’t get the grammars but got DC (& other private's)

40% bursary seems pretty ambitious though.I do know someone with a higher discount but they are very low income.

I’m dubious of those stats. Is the success as a result of their schooling or because they are the offspring of successful families who will bring them up well and give all sorts of advantages anyway but are more likely to use private or were anyway ? It’s not as binary as “put money in the slot (ie child in private) and out comes a successful adult”.

Also if DH law firm is representative the old networks are being dismantled - they are extremely right on in their recruitment process. A big name private school won’t help now.

Spent the day with on anyones estimation several thriving successful wealthy ish families with teens doing very well. None were at private school.

That said if we lived in a deprived area with struggling state schools and a demographic with social problems we would either move or go private. But if op has good state schools
unless money is no object I wouldn’t pay.

@TheaBrandt1 - I agree things are changing for the better, and employers who are quite 'classically' private school - eg law firms, civil service, investment banks - are doing a lot to widen recruitment, as is Oxbridge.

But you can't change the fact that private schools still generally (not always, but generally) get better GCSE and A-level results than state schools. And then it becomes a bit of a domino effect - great GCSE and A-level results, better universities. Impressive university degree, better job prospects...and on it goes.

Obviously this isn't to say that many, many people who go to state schools don't do brilliantly and go on to have brilliant careers - of course they do! But having a really amazing education (and yes, of course there are amazing state schools too - and if OP is lucky enough to be in the catchment of one of these, then great) can make a significant difference to the course of your life.

@TheaBrandt1

Also if DH law firm is representative the old networks are being dismantled - they are extremely right on in their recruitment process. A big name private school won’t help now.

According @EvelynBeatrice upthread, ‘some AI recruitment processes for graduate jobs now automatically exclude the privately educated from the first sweep’.
I asked her about this but she hasn’t answered.
Does your dh’s law form exclude privately educated applicants?

Ah AI - must be true then

A study of people well into their working lives now, has limited relevance to the prospects of OP's 9 and 7 year olds.

More and more companies are doing blind recruitment, so the school attended isn't even known.

Even without knowing the actual source of these studies, there's not overwhelming evidence that it's worth the financial outlay (if you are looking at purely financial benefits).

As a teacher who has worked in both state and private, I can confidently say that bright and hard working children can do well in both. Top set state kids are amazing, they are motivated and more resilient, on the whole than their private equivalents. I am pretty sure if we ditched private school tomorrow, those same private children AI talked about, would still rise to the top and be more successful because their parents value education and they are quite able.

The difference comes with those who are not naturally academic or hard working. Whether its SEN or just poor parenting, the private schools have the resources and staffing to support these children. They do better in their class of 22 (that usually exclude statemented kids), rather than the class of 32 state children demanding more extreme differentiation, and some with really tough pastoral issues going on.

You have to know what your children will need. But as not all state schools are the same and not all fee paying ones are either. If you can find a grammar...thats the holy grail!!

I always wondered if those earnings effects were because some privately educated people (not all by any means) measure achievement in financial terms so choose banking/finance etc rather than teaching or nursing.

Or it is just the British middle class/upper middle class trap where those kids who went to private schools feel obligated to take soul destroying finance jobs so that they can send their own DC to private school again and the cycle continues. When all along the parents could have handed them 500k and they could have moved somewhere cheap and cheerful and done a passion job and sent their own DC to perfectly good state schools.

Yup.

I asked one of my children if they'd rather have money in the bank or a private school education and all that comes with it. They said they'd take private school education and all the opportunities it affords them every time over money in the bank (because they'll make their own money).

No obligations.

How old is this child?

They are either too young to understand what "earning your own money" means in reality, or too old to be (much) affected by ever increasing house prices.

And were they in private school education already when you asked them?

I have one DC in a state Sixth Form that is very selective grades wise on entry. There are plenty of ex private school kids whose parents I now know who are all really happy with the state school and regret paying beforehand somewhat. Same applies to my DC in year 7, plenty of prep school kids have joined that grammar too including from schools like Dulwich prep, even Westminster Under (according to my DC). So I am afraid to say that there are plenty of people out there who regret not getting their own DC into top state schools earlier and being conned by the private school advertising machine/generational private school guilt factor/poor state school trauma. Not all state schools are bad, far from it. There are some truly excellent ones. Also, I went to private school myself for 2 years, obviously years ago now. My old school is not at all like it used to be. It was slightly more than a grammar, plenty of local kids back in the day with excellent teaching. It is now an international marketing business with huge spend on facilities and not all the teachers are as good as they used to be, some yes, but definitely not all.

It is different if you are a multimillionaire and the income from your trust easily pays the private school fees and your kids will network with the proper moneyed and international rich. That will probably help them further down the line.
Everyone else scrimping and saving with actually bright NT kids with no additional needs, I suggest finding an excellent state school and giving them the money for a house deposit is simply a better financial decision.

And anyway, my advice was very specific to the OP 1) she has excellent local state schools 2) she is not comfortable on principle with the concept of private school so she is not going to get conned by the marketing machine and 3) they are not that rich, the huge spend on private school is a big stretch and likely to have real long term financial consequences for her DC. I would be asking the grandparents to top up the DCs junior ISA to the max amount every year and their SIPP. And to manage those well instead. That would be financially prudent in my opinion and give her DC the best possible future outcomes.

14yr and I asked out of interest today. They're very much aware of money and the cost of things (life in general, houses, retirement etc). They have friends in state education, grammar and private.

Interested in your 14 year old's life plan to pay for a house, retirement etc, without any financial help from their parents ...

My 12 year old would definitely take the money as he already knows about compound investing and stock picks regularly and researches the companies. The 250k or whatever invested now may well be triple by the time they are 25/30. So that would be his answer.

They very much plan to use their education and connections to do well and earn money to live like the rest of us?!

But of course, we will buy their first home for them.

How were you able to survive, buy your homes and fund your retirement?!

OP: Keep things simple and don’t take online comments too personally. Most people on the internet aren’t thinking about what’s best for your children, so don’t let their opinions guide your real-life choices. As parents, sit down together, be open, talk through everything, work out what each of you wants, and always put your children’s needs first.

From my own experience, I went to state schools while my husband attended private schools. My husband absolutely loved his school days, while I have a more mixed opinion about mine. Our children went to preparatory school from ages seven to thirteen, and when spots opened up at the local state secondary school—which is decent—they transitioned at just the right time. At prep school, they gained everything we’d hoped for, enjoyed a longer childhood, studied, played, had fun, and earned high grades. They could have gone on to other independent or boarding schools, but we wanted them to spend time with children whose parents had made different choices, even if that caused friction, so they could learn to handle differences and avoid the conflict or negativity that can come from people who resent those who made other life choices. It’s important to learn how to deal with that. They’re well ahead of peers who only attended state schools and are thriving.

We had a very bad state school near to us and considered increasing our mortgage to move to a better catchment but decided on private in the end. DS has attended from nursery and leaves 6th year in June. Never regretted it but have had to make sacrifices to pay for it b

You can't afford it.
I wouldn't go private.