To correct nursery on DD's surname?

[Tigertealeaves]

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

@pinkyredrose because DD and her (technically half) siblings are close, and it's nice for them to share a family name too.

If we dropped one surname I'd want to keep mine... I do worry DD will decide to go the other way when she's older because of having no sibs/cousins with my surname, but by that age it'll be her name her choice!

Well done! I’m your DD in this scenario, with a double-barrelled name from both parents and no hyphen: people are constantly hyphenating it, reversing it, dropping half of it – usually the “forrin” surname part . It enrages me like nothing else on earth. Point out to your DP that kids tend to be proud of their names and your daughter won’t like him misnaming her!

Now my own DC are aware of their surname (which is their own, not DP’s nor my double barrel), they also get furious when my PIL send cards to “Miss DC DPname” or whatever — DP thought he could get away with never correcting them, but DD in particular is VERY vocal about that not being her name, atcherly.

DC have a double barreled surname (we're married but kept our own surnames). I'd absolutely insist on both being used. Thankfully DH is fully on board and nobody else has been bothered either way so haven't had to enforce it yet.

Definitely ask the nursery to use the full name but your DP is the one at fault.

@recyclemeagain you are making a big assumption there and being quite offensive. Also some married parents use a double barrelled name for their children.

A name is legal so it's important the school has it correct.

Glad your dp has apologised

Something I've learned from this thread, and discussing the issue with friends too, is how often "foreign" sounding names also get dropped. Sorry to those who experience this... it's not OK.

What does it say on her birth certificate? That is legally her surname.
Id remind your partner of that. Then show the nursery and subsequent schools her full legal name.

You have a DH problem. My childs surname is double barrelled and I would write First name then the surnames initials in his clothing to save time. So like... Samuel W-T

Get some stikins stickers or similar

Let rip at DP HOW dare he erase you

I'd love to know what you what like her to do when she gets married. Jane mom's name dad's name-husbands name. God forbid she has a husband whose parents had the same hang ups.
Would it bother you if she took her husband's name? Because you so spesifically wanted to keep your dad's (mind you, not your mom's) surname alive and well.

It's not nursery, it's your partner

Fantastic that she will have so many name options. Maybe they will make up a whole new surname.

Why would they all have the same surname? Women do not have to change their name on marriage. What an old-fashioned and frankly sexist assumption.

This is so depressing, that you think you might be unreasonable to insist that your daughter be called by her name. Your daughter's dad sounds like an enormous arsehole, but it seems you can't do anything about that so yes, of course, get it straightened out directly with the nursery. Don't just call and mention it, insist that the issue is resolved and keep following up if it isn't.

They can write wills and take other legal steps for family protection.

Fancy telling an adult woman that they should get married in 2023.

Only if you earn less! And they are actually helpful, if you earn more and do more you are more fucked if married.

although in some other languages you get 2 surnames which are not hyphenated but are both surnames that’s not what happens in English. There’s one surname so rather than it being because it’s ‘foreign’ people are going to presume anything in the middle is a middle name. It’s a bit like some languages surname goes first then given name-people are not going to know unless you explain

"I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's. Otherwise yes DP is being unreasonable by not acknowledging your name."

What? They don't have to get married and if they do get married they don't all have to have the same surname so what's the relevance of this?

They could already all have the same surname if that was what they wanted, but it obviously isn't.

When mother has a different name to father i would definitely recommend double barrelling at least on the birth certificate. That means the passport would have both names. If you ever intend traveling internationally with just one parent it can reduce frontier problems, such as needing to carry lawyer letters.

I think this is a common issue with double-barrelled names, the second one just gets dropped.

Sorry, you'll look like an idiot

'Yes I know we put DPname on the forms and her stuff is labelled with it, but please don't use it'

Tell the nursery, but without anger. I think they will be really sympathetic and really apologetic that they got this wrong.

Don't make the individual teacher feel bad unless they act insensitive to your legitimate concern. If they do, then kick up a storm!!!

Why did you want to do something so sensible? You were supposed to play silly games and have name-labels made up with your DD's name and your surname, and then have a big drama. Shame on you.

This.