To correct nursery on DD's surname?

[Tigertealeaves]

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

@recyclemeagain to echo what others have said - nope, no plans to marry, it's not even that common round here to have married parents. And if we did I would not be taking his name. I've said that I would change it to Myname-DPname if he also did so, and he pulled a face at the thought of HIS name changing... ha.

@User562377 I think laziness - though maybe he secretly thinks of her that way too? Like "all my 3 kids, the DPnames"... Some of DP's mates also refer to us as the DPnames. They all have a setup where mum has her own name but the kids have dad's name. Then they're "the dadsname family" ... vomit.

@roseopose good lord that is rude of your DP's family.

Absolutely tell the nursery, plenty of kids have double barrelled names & marked on all their work. As you say it's important that your DD learns her corerct name when young. & nursery should be encouraging that.

@HippeePrincess assume makes an ass out of u and me- presumption doesn't. They're slightly different.

But that aside- OP I meant regardless of whether you take hubby's name or whether he takes yours (or a combination) Sorry didn't mean to suggest you'd definitely take his! And I know MN are somehow staunchly anti-marriage in some ways but that to me is kinda sad. If you love someone enough to share a child then no real reason not to marry. But that is your prerogative and your choice.
And before everyone jumps on that lol, I was an unwed mum for years as well so I'm coming at it from having seen both sides in my own experience!

I don't want to blow your mind (which might be quite easy to do) but BOTH couples who have children and don't plan to marry AND couples who are married but have different surnames exist!

I'd be buying labels with JUST my surname on to be honest. And sticking them over everything for nursery.

Just to add my two penn'orth: I have since married called myself Mrs Myname-DHname. I have to fight constantly (and I have been married 40 years) for people to use my full name. They constantly assume that Mrs DHname will do. It drives me mad! Now I would have kept my own surname but 40 years ago in our community it was much less done. Fight for your child's proper name!

Our DCs have my last name (which is an annoying name to have) as their second middle name and some people hyphenate it. Where people have two surnames I can see that might lead to dropping one but it does sound like your DP needs to get with the programme.
I prefer Stikins but they don't work on everything.

Definitely do it now. I would take the birth certificate in case they question it.

Had this with late MIL. She knew the names of my DDs, registered them with a GP, we lived overseas so weren’t registered when they were born. Turned up for an appointment and the receptionist told me they were registered as DHName and couldn’t be changed. They did change it eventually.

By the way if you are in the UK please do consider getting married. Heaven forbid he should leave you or fall under a bus but you are in a much better position if you are married, as are the DCs.

I wouldn't have used his name in the first place given your circumstances and I would be dropping it if at all possible now. He obviously agreed to using both names so I think it's really disrespectful of him to drop yours and i would be really pissed off with him. And yes I would raise it with the nursery.

@Tigertealeaves yep! Every time they do it I correct them and they say they 'forgot' 🙄

You've reminded me of the child at DD's nursery with a hyphenated first name - something like Amelia-Grace. Her mum called her by one of the names and her dad by the other. I assume they couldn't agree on names so that was their compromise, but I found it a rather unusual one.

@Hardbackwriter rest assured, mind remains not blown. I'm fully aware. I just also see the legal sense in being married where there are children involved. Hope that doesn't blow your wee mind too much, but yes couples being married have way more protection legally than unmarried regardless of how much you may wish to think otherwise. Children's legal protection should come above anything else really (well not above love and safety obviously but hopefully you get the point)

Bloody hell some of these answers. No YANBU OP. Also your DP is completely out of order.
Coming from someone who's DD has her father's surname (we were unmarried when she was born, we're married now but I still kept my own name).

Also the argument re being married is better for you legally - that depends. Not if you're the higher earner (which I was, by some distance, when we had DD). If you plan on giving up work then yes you'd be stupid not to get married first.

Don't make the assumption that the man earns more than the woman as that's just sexist.

Correct nursery yes but as others have said this is your oh at fault. I'd be livid.

Yes, absolutely correct them, and make sure the records they have reflect her actual name.

I'd sit your P down and have a very sharp word with him.

What is he playing at?

You need to get to the bottom of his problem with his precious name.

He needs to be left in no doubt that it's a problem he needs to fix.

You need to correct his mates every time you hear yourself referred to as property of your P.

DP is the problem here.

Make sure they realise it is her surname and not a surname used as a middle name , they might have torpedo confused. But definitely worth following up and making sure they have it in writing, especially her key worker.

We have the opposite problem - DC has only my surname with DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. The initial form at nursery asked for full name with no separate boxes for middle/surnames and they have assumed that she has a double barrelled surname. I have told them several times and even emailed but it never gets changed. It didn't bother me that much at first but she's only enough to start learning her full name and has referred to herself as Jane Smith Jones a few times which is annoying!

My point is - yes, get it sorted asap as it might take a while to resolve!

No need to get grumpy with them though as I'm sure they're not doing it maliciously. Your DH on the other hand...

Thanks for the further replies - really appreciate it.

For those mentioning marriage. Until recently I was the slightly higher earner. Currently a bit less, this may be temporary. However we have separate finances anyway and pay 50/50 on the household costs. DP, his ex and I are all on the same page that each of us will leave our assets equally to however many biological children we have, not to our own generation.

Also, I spoke to DP who apologised and said fair point, and to nursery who wrote it down. Now let's see if anything changes!

Why don't you drop his name and just use your own for your daughter?