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Original poster

To correct nursery on DD's surname?

169 replies

Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 12:55

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

OP posts:
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bassheavyhev · 01/10/2023 21:18

Does it have a hyphen? My child's does and we don't have this issue. It would also really bug me if my part was being dropped at school but it's your partner who needs to rectify this with the nursery.

saffy2 · 01/10/2023 21:20

recyclemeagain · 29/09/2023 13:39

I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's. Otherwise yes DP is being unreasonable by not acknowledging your name.
I take it you had discussions over the surname before baby arrived so he is well aware of why this matters to you too.
Speak to the nursery and to DP, but also consider why this is an issue in the first place. Good luck.

😂😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

2jacqi · 01/10/2023 21:21

what is the actual name of the birth certificate? what is the fact that it is your parents only grandchild come into matter?

CountessKathleen · 01/10/2023 21:22

2jacqi · 01/10/2023 21:21

what is the actual name of the birth certificate? what is the fact that it is your parents only grandchild come into matter?

Hence the importance of using both parents’ surnames?

saffy2 · 01/10/2023 21:23

recyclemeagain · 29/09/2023 14:42

@HippeePrincess assume makes an ass out of u and me- presumption doesn't. They're slightly different.

But that aside- OP I meant regardless of whether you take hubby's name or whether he takes yours (or a combination) Sorry didn't mean to suggest you'd definitely take his! And I know MN are somehow staunchly anti-marriage in some ways but that to me is kinda sad. If you love someone enough to share a child then no real reason not to marry. But that is your prerogative and your choice.
And before everyone jumps on that lol, I was an unwed mum for years as well so I'm coming at it from having seen both sides in my own experience!

‘If you have a child I presume you’ll be getting married…’

I was an unwed mum for years’

😂😂😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ again!!

Epidote · 01/10/2023 21:29

My daughter has a double barrel surname with my first surname first and everyone respect it. I think your DP filling forms with just his surname can be the origin of the mistake as here in UK most of people stick to the convention of taking the male surname only.

I would speak with the nursery after speak your partner. Works for nothing and you will spend your life correcting people if he is going to carry on filling the forms that way.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/10/2023 21:34

DP is the issue here, not nursery.

DS has both of our surnames and we've never had any issues with nursery.

brielliance · 01/10/2023 21:37

I understand your frustration. You need to make sure DP changes his behaviour permanently first. If you speak to nursery about it, and they take pains to include both her surnames, but he goes and uses one surname, they will get irritated and wonder why they have to go through all that hassle.

Alloveragain3 · 01/10/2023 21:37

He needs to learn her name and stop using the wrong name

I wouldn't even involve the nursery TBH

HandbagMarinara · 01/10/2023 21:42

I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's.

Have I gone back in time?

No op yanbu

dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 21:42

Ohhbaby · 01/10/2023 20:38

I'd love to know what you what like her to do when she gets married. Jane mom's name dad's name-husbands name. God forbid she has a husband whose parents had the same hang ups.
Would it bother you if she took her husband's name? Because you so spesifically wanted to keep your dad's (mind you, not your mom's) surname alive and well.

Can do whatever the fuck she wants with her own name

Lovingitallnow · 01/10/2023 21:45

dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 21:42

Can do whatever the fuck she wants with her own name

Show quote history

👏👏👏👏

although it's sweet to see people on the internet expressing concern for a strangers hypothetical situation in 20 years time

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 01/10/2023 21:58

Why on earth would you assume they are going to get married? And why on earth would you assume that if they did, they would all share the same surname?! It's not 1950.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/10/2023 22:04

Lovingitallnow · 01/10/2023 21:45

👏👏👏👏

although it's sweet to see people on the internet expressing concern for a strangers hypothetical situation in 20 years time

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I have a DC with two surnames and it's a question I've had several times now.

I don't give a fuck is also my general response. It's bonkers that others think I get an opinion on what DC does or even if DC will get married at all.

Streamorwatchlive · 01/10/2023 22:09

Perhaps he’s just preparing for the next time he splits with the mother of his kids

TrashedSofa · 01/10/2023 22:14

Ohhbaby · 01/10/2023 20:38

I'd love to know what you what like her to do when she gets married. Jane mom's name dad's name-husbands name. God forbid she has a husband whose parents had the same hang ups.
Would it bother you if she took her husband's name? Because you so spesifically wanted to keep your dad's (mind you, not your mom's) surname alive and well.

Someone always feels moved to ask this on any thread about double barrelling names, and it's the perfect storm of daft.

None of us know what our DC are doing to do as adults, including those of you who haven't chosen to double barrel. It can't possibly be answered accurately. What we do know is it'll be their choice, which again is the same for all of them, including yours. And in the time it took you to type this, you could've found examples of entire cultures that might've given you some ideas.

drspouse · 01/10/2023 22:28

Meowandthen · 01/10/2023 20:44

They can write wills and take other legal steps for family protection.

Fancy telling an adult woman that they should get married in 2023.

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It's a lot more expensive and less trustworthy to do it the roundabout way.
The usual advice is if you earn less than your male partner and have joint DCs you are better off being married.
If you are the higher earner and/or you have DCs from a previous relationship you aren't.
As it happens, the OP says she's the higher earner but on average it isn't the case.
Why would it be bad to give women good financial advice in 2023?

Blackcoffee1 · 01/10/2023 22:36

Shocking disrespect from your DP.

My kids are also Myname-DPname, and I couldn’t imagine DP ever calling them just Dpname. That’s not their name!?

Does your daughter know how to say her own name, or too young? You need to nip this in the bud before she learns the wrong one.

Confusing for the nursery workers. I don’t think they are at fault at all here.

WomanHereHear · 01/10/2023 22:37

Streamorwatchlive · 01/10/2023 22:09

Perhaps he’s just preparing for the next time he splits with the mother of his kids

Yep there’s something red flaggy about his behaviour

Blackcoffee1 · 01/10/2023 22:42

TrashedSofa · 01/10/2023 22:14

Someone always feels moved to ask this on any thread about double barrelling names, and it's the perfect storm of daft.

None of us know what our DC are doing to do as adults, including those of you who haven't chosen to double barrel. It can't possibly be answered accurately. What we do know is it'll be their choice, which again is the same for all of them, including yours. And in the time it took you to type this, you could've found examples of entire cultures that might've given you some ideas.

Show quote history

Agreed.

My friends (without double-barrelled surnames themselves!) have done various things at marriage - kept their own name, husband taken the wife’s name, double-barrel, merged the two names into one new one. I know people as adults who have reverted to their mother’s maiden name. It would be exactly the same decision to make for my kids who are double barrelled when they marry 🙄And no, no one would opt to have a quadruple-barrelled name (ha ha ha very original).

HurkleDurkling · 01/10/2023 22:52

This is your child’s identity. Ensure and practice writing the name in full when eventually she’s is writing. Meanwhile practice being polite and saying ‘my name is….. ensuring she pronounces it with clarity and precision and pride. Make a game of it, encourage her to correct those who say it incorrectly.
If you dont stand up for her who will.

so many now have split names that eventually get shortened. It’s the result of unmarried parents. She’ll decide her used name when older.

rrrrrreatt · 01/10/2023 22:55

Don’t let this slide OP, it will only get harder to fix the older she gets.

I have a double barrelled surname from my dad because my grandparents double barrelled theirs. My mum shortened it to just the second word on forms etc to make it simpler for me when I was small but, after my dad died at 12, I wanted to use the full name.

Changing everything was a pain and some people still haven’t got the memo (20+ years later). I know my mum shortened it with the best of intentions but it’s part of my identity and heritage and one of the few connections I still have with him. Names are important!

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 23:13

Yes, I would most definitely mention it. I would also be singing my childs name to her and telling her (in a fun way) shes half of mummy Smith and half of daddy Jones and that makes Baby Smith Jones. Make sure she knows her name and how to correct the grown ups including silly daddy.
You can speak to him separately!

MrsRaspberry · 01/10/2023 23:16

Tigertealeaves · 30/09/2023 10:24

Something I've learned from this thread, and discussing the issue with friends too, is how often "foreign" sounding names also get dropped. Sorry to those who experience this... it's not OK.

I have a foreign surname myself and i double barrelled my eldest daughters name with her dads surname. His name is a single syllable whereas mine is 3 syllables so my surname went first which he wasn't keen on until i pointed out that giving her surname as his then mine would just sound ridiculous. He initially wanted her to have his surname only and called me selfish for wanting her to have mine too as its generally the norm for kids to take their dads name-he said my surname would probably cause her to be bullied. Oddly enough most kids nicknamed her "Custard Cream" as thats how her full surname sounded to a bunch of 4year olds in reception. We had split before she was born and he was trying to cause arguments before we had even been to register her birth. Now she mostly uses only my surname as shes now an adult who has no contact with her dad. She only uses her full surname for legal stuff such as her bank account etc.

porridgeisbae · 02/10/2023 00:18

it's not even that common round here to have married parents

@Tigertealeaves 😂

I don't think you should marry him, sounds like he'll wage a constant power struggle of one kind or another.