To correct nursery on DD's surname?

[Tigertealeaves]

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

Given you and he are unmarried, you've essentially gifted him with his daughter having his surname within her surname. Legally only you can offer him that. Without you allowing that she would have whatever surname you register her with, as he couldn't do it without you.

So he needs to check his attitude and realise that he has more than what he is legally entitled to. And write his daughter's full name on her stuff.

There’s one surname so rather than it being because it’s ‘foreign’ people are going to presume anything in the middle is a middle name

@BungleandGeorge I don't think so, people know double barrelled names are a thing, also people usually use a hyphen. People also have a feel for whether a name is a surname or a first/middle name, based on tradition.

I changed my name to (for instance) Lucy Jane with Jane as my surname. People can't cope at all and keep asking what my surname is.

That wasn't my surname, just an example.

I double barrelled my daughters last name, and pre-emoted this so I put my last name first.

Nice pre-made uniform labels with her full name on asap!

Issue is here is your dp not the nursery.

People I know with double-barrelled names tend just to use the initials - Peter C-S etc.

I also like @HurkleDurkling mention on the thread. My daughter is very proud when people ask her name saying her name, middle name and the two surnames.

She knows why she got two surnames and a middle name and she is very happy saying why she got two surnames.

Not a solution but this is exactly why I insisted on DPname-MYname for ours.

Even still, people STILL sometimes just use DP surname. Including, bafflingly, even my parents

People have an insatiable habit for upholding patriarchal norms when it comes to surnames. Whatever you try, someone will still manage to ignore it.

Your problem is clearly with your partner trying to give your DD his name by stealth. I would be placing a big order with Cash’s - woven nametapes, they used to have an animal on the end for pre-schoolers to help them identify their own things. Shoe labels, water bottles, lunchbox - all with her full name. I used to know an independent school that started their assessment for pre-prep by taking the children to a table with name badges so they had to be able to identify their own name to choose their badge.

It’s humiliating to have to go to the nursery with proof of her name - birth certificate or passport, but that would be what I would do if he carried on his shenanigans of giving her the wrong surname. After all, it is either stating he does not know his own child’s name or he is exposing your disagreement in public - either way it’s not a nice position.

As always you have a DP issue who deep down doesn’t respect you or your choices. What he wants trumps what you want. You’ve spoken to him, he’s ignored you…
I would have a word with nursery myself and I would rename all her stuff. Wouldn’t be difficult to do if your names last.

I love the old “but what if two double-barrelled children should grow up, meet, fall in love and have children, what then!!!” argument. I’m one of four siblings, we’re all double-barrelled, and three of us have had children with fellow double-barrelled people (there’s a club). We’ve all found different solutions and amazingly, none of us have had to quadruple-barrel our children, or even give the issue a second thought.

Double-barrelled surnames make a lot of sense but I do wonder what the next generation will do if they also want to equally combine name and they're both double-barrelled? Will they each drop one or keep the full four?!

Ah cross posted with @spitefulandbadgrammar - can I be nosy and ask for examples? Did you have any issue choosing what to do?

Take one from each? Seems simple to me.

Smith-Johnson and Roberts-Jones have Baby Smith-Roberts.

So they're in the same position of choosing which family name to keep and drop, just further down the road. Makes sense but also risks pissing someone off...

Just to be clear, I'm not arguing against double-barrelling at all, I just don't know what generally happens in this scenario and whether or not it solves the problem of choosing a name to drop.

It's your partner who needs to be told to use the correct surname. And between you decide which is the version you want the nursery to use. The nursery isn't the one at fault here.

DP and I stuck all our surnames in as middle names so no passport/“whose child is this?” issues, and gave DC their own name – like the Fossils in Ballet Shoes. I know loads of people who’ve done this, or formed a whole new name and everyone in the family changes to it.

My brother and his partner deliberately chose the “difficult” foreign surname from each of their double-barrels to form a new double-barrel where no idiot could try to drop the tricky part, as it’s all tricky. Spite runs in the family

Other brother and his wife put four surnames in a hat and picked one, DC have the others as middle names.

Sister’s DP only has a boring old single barrel so no issue; kids have her double-barrel.

Previous bad boyfriends had an issue, not me! There was the one who wanted to get married, me change my name to his and give the kids that name “otherwise I’ll be the last in the line of Surnames”. Mmm, and why’s that? “Because my sister changed her name when she got married, so it’s just me left.” Mmm. Then there was the one who would have happily double barrelled our children with one of my surnames and the whole of his (of course he wanted me to drop the foreign one), but said I was being petty when I suggested we halve his name like he wanted to halve mine, so he could choose Surn or Name, but not Surname. (He was right, I WAS being petty and it was FUN.)

'Currently TTC and if it happens then I’m putting my name second'

That's what I done. Dadsname-mine. The registrar told me my sons name can be changed* to dad's name if we got married. We never did get married and my son hasn't seen his dad since he was one (he's 15) so I'm glad my name is at the end. We dropped dad's name and my son just goes by my name but I had to tell the school etc that I wanted that. We have only ever used his full name for his passport.*

I would hope it wouldn’t piss someone off, not their baby for a start so they don’t get a say. It should be about what the parents want and feel most comfortable with.

You're totally correct on this.

My son has dads-mine. We haven't had contact with his dad since he was 1, he's now 15. I was nervous applying for my sons passport but it was all good. I said I didn't know where dad was and I got my sons passport. I'm shocked they gave me it actually as I remember a girl from school got refused hers because her dad needed to give permission for her to get one. She had never met her dad.
I think having my name last helped.

Yes! You can’t just pass on surnames for fear of not pissing off a grandparent. I know my in laws are befuddled by our choice to use a whole new surname that they ignore but it’s not my job to keep their surname hanging round for what, tradition? Protocol? They’ll be dead soon and my kids would still be stuck with the name. From grandparent to grandchild it’s only ever used on envelopes anyway, it’s not really a regular topic.

To bring this back to the OP, though, I agree with everyone else that it’s a partner problem, not a nursery problem. I’d be furious if DP were to randomly rename our children to his surname and not the name we chose together.

People who have double barrelled surnames do the same as people who don't have double barrelled surnames when they have their own DC. That is, whatever they want.

Disagree... not a sensible assumption to think marriage means a name change automatically. I have been married to my husband since well before kids were on the horizon and we don't all have the same name. I am double-barrelled, and would have just kept my own if not for (annoying) societal pressure.

It is a bit long (my real name is not Farrier!) and on balance I didn't double-barrel the kids; I got to give birth to them, they can have their dad's shorter and easier-to-spell surname! But if I had, I'd want people to get it right, just as I want them to use both parts of my name.

Some IHT benefit to being married but otherwise not if OP is the higher earner and/or has more assets. Not if the DP has a properly-made will and OP/Dc are named beneficiaries of life insurance/death in service benefit/pension death lump sum.

Unless there's a factor I'm not aware if?

Thanks @spitefulandbadgrammar the full range! I kind of love it when people play around with the actual names to combine them or whatever but my DH who does a lot of investigating his historic family tree looks at me in horror when I say that

Hadn't considered the passport issue, good to think about.