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Original poster

To correct nursery on DD's surname?

169 replies

Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 12:55

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

OP posts:
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KateyCuckoo · 29/09/2023 12:59

By all means tell them, but save your 'cross' for DP who is not respecting your name, your dd's name and confusing the nursery staff to boot!

Scissor · 29/09/2023 12:59

Do it now, the longer you leave it the more the single surname gets normalised and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Green777 · 29/09/2023 13:00

YANBU

Original poster
Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:02

@KateyCuckoo yes agreed - I'm not cross with nursery, I know how busy they are. However I feel DP has encouraged this! Of course if a child's labels say "Sam Brown" or whatever and you have 30 children to remember, you'd go with that.

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 13:02

KateyCuckoo · 29/09/2023 12:59

By all means tell them, but save your 'cross' for DP who is not respecting your name, your dd's name and confusing the nursery staff to boot!

Completely agree with this, it isn't the nursery as they're following your DP's lead. It's your DP who is the problem.

Malificent1 · 29/09/2023 13:02

You have a DP problem.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2023 13:06

This is a DP problem not a nursery problem.
Talk to him. Ask him how he'd like it if you just used your surname and not his when filling in forms and labelling her belongings. Insist he uses both surnames (or for labelling I sometimes use the initials e.g. Ben TS [not real name!]). If he refuses, you have a bigger problem.

Do you have Stikins or stamps for labelling? They're really good, if you buy some and he uses them it'll solve that problem. Not the form filling though!

Original poster
Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:06

Thanks all. This makes me feel a bit better about the cranky text I sent DP after getting home 😂

OP posts:
Mariposista · 29/09/2023 13:08

If you have registered your child at the nursery with her correct surname, then it must be your partner actually changing it behind your back when he engages with them. If that's the case, it's his fault, not the nursery, and it is very sneaky. If you have agreed that your kid will have your surname, then that's it. If he is not happy with it, he should have spoken up when she was born.

Original poster
Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:09

@NameChange30 good shout on the stamps - thank you. Facebook relentlessly advertises them to me, but I wasn't sure if they worked as well as advertised.

I also use the two initials, which is less effort than writing one or both of the surnames out in full... so no excuse for DP really...

OP posts:
Primproperpenny · 29/09/2023 13:10

It should match the birth certificate. Imagine getting to formal qualifications like GCSEs and writing the ‘wrong’ name because something like this has lingered!

BatildaB · 29/09/2023 13:11

Definitely stick up for the full name! I don’t think this is uncommon. Everyone who combines names puts the woman’s name first then it just slowly gets disappeared. Currently TTC and if it happens then I’m putting my name second, or we’ll come up with a whole new name. So aggravating that even when women have compromised and put the man’s feelings and name in a more prominent position, there’s rarely any reciprocal consideration from the man.

Wishitsnows · 29/09/2023 13:11

Start just using just your surname when you label stuff or write her name. See if it bothers your dp

NameChange30 · 29/09/2023 13:12

Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:09

@NameChange30 good shout on the stamps - thank you. Facebook relentlessly advertises them to me, but I wasn't sure if they worked as well as advertised.

I also use the two initials, which is less effort than writing one or both of the surnames out in full... so no excuse for DP really...

I was hesitant too but have the stamps for both kids now and they're brilliant! From Stamptastic. I can PM You a referral code for a discount if you want one?

Original poster
Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:13

@BatildaB that is a really interesting point. DP actually thought that the name that went first would be the one everyone used, and he wanted his name first for that reason. So in that sense we had it the wrong way round.

Unfortunately his surname is an adjective so having it first would have sounded silly...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertealeaves · 29/09/2023 13:14

@NameChange30 I would love that, thanks!

OP posts:
SnapdragonToadflax · 29/09/2023 13:18

Definitely correct them. Or start using just your surname, if you're feeling petty...

CassieRole · 29/09/2023 13:19

Yes, I would correct them. It’s like they wouldn’t call Smithson Smith!

User562377 · 29/09/2023 13:33

Do you think he's doing it out of laziness or because he wants just his name?

Either way I'd be pissed off too. It's not her name, the name you agreed on, and it smacks of disrespect to you, even if he says that's not the reason.

We've used the Stikins stickers for years. You shouldn't have to do this but I would order a batch of those with full name on them and label everything. They stick to clothes, water bottles, lunchboxes, everything. Stick them on everything so he can't just put on his name.

WeightoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 13:34

BatildaB · 29/09/2023 13:11

Definitely stick up for the full name! I don’t think this is uncommon. Everyone who combines names puts the woman’s name first then it just slowly gets disappeared. Currently TTC and if it happens then I’m putting my name second, or we’ll come up with a whole new name. So aggravating that even when women have compromised and put the man’s feelings and name in a more prominent position, there’s rarely any reciprocal consideration from the man.

Just to counter this, we went with DH's surname first purely as we thought it sounded better that way. I'd say it's about 50/50 whether people who shorten use the first or second name only for us and our kids (we are all double barrelled). But slightly different in our case I think though because my surname is from another language so some people clearly purposefully drop that part as they don't want to attempt to pronounce it (even though it's spelled pretty phonetically, is not long and has no sounds that don't exist in English or anything like that). But that's a separate topic...

recyclemeagain · 29/09/2023 13:39

I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's. Otherwise yes DP is being unreasonable by not acknowledging your name.
I take it you had discussions over the surname before baby arrived so he is well aware of why this matters to you too.
Speak to the nursery and to DP, but also consider why this is an issue in the first place. Good luck.

roseopose · 29/09/2023 13:44

I think you need to correct them and also have a firm word with your partner. Your daughter needs to be known by the name on her birth certificate or it can cause issues later on as PP say with certificates etc. Also it might be confusing for her. I am unmarried and DD has my surname. Her dads side of the family relentlessly refer to her as having his surname which I keep correcting through gritted teeth.

HippeePrincess · 29/09/2023 13:44

recyclemeagain · 29/09/2023 13:39

I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's. Otherwise yes DP is being unreasonable by not acknowledging your name.
I take it you had discussions over the surname before baby arrived so he is well aware of why this matters to you too.
Speak to the nursery and to DP, but also consider why this is an issue in the first place. Good luck.

Why would you presume so much?
Assumptions make an ass out of you and me!

OP you have a DP problem, if he doesn’t see what’s wrong with this I’d also just write your surname and see how he likes that!

BatildaB · 29/09/2023 13:47

WeightoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 13:34

Just to counter this, we went with DH's surname first purely as we thought it sounded better that way. I'd say it's about 50/50 whether people who shorten use the first or second name only for us and our kids (we are all double barrelled). But slightly different in our case I think though because my surname is from another language so some people clearly purposefully drop that part as they don't want to attempt to pronounce it (even though it's spelled pretty phonetically, is not long and has no sounds that don't exist in English or anything like that). But that's a separate topic...

Show quote history

I can see how familiarity would sometimes override the ordering of names in which gets dropped. But glad that it’s turning out 50:50 for you whatever the underlying logic is! Although obviously makes the issue even more fraught if one name represents a cultural heritage that’s not the one you’re living in and which therefore might get sidelined for multiple reasons.

IfYouDontAsk · 29/09/2023 13:47

recyclemeagain · 29/09/2023 13:39

I'm on the fence a little bit. Only because if you have a child together presumably you plan to get married eventually in which case you can all have the same surname whether yours or DP's. Otherwise yes DP is being unreasonable by not acknowledging your name.
I take it you had discussions over the surname before baby arrived so he is well aware of why this matters to you too.
Speak to the nursery and to DP, but also consider why this is an issue in the first place. Good luck.

A lot of assumptions going on there- that they plan to get married, and that if they do they’ll all share a surname.

OP- yes, definitely get it corrected now. My DC have a double barrelled surname: DHsurname-mysurname. I have said to nursery and school that I don’t expect them to write the surname out in full, they can just use the initials of the surname. But I specifically said not to use just “firstname DHsurname” and that’s been fine.