To correct nursery on DD's surname?

[Tigertealeaves]

I'm unmarried, have a DD in nursery and still together with her dad.

DD surname is Myname-DPname. This was important to me, she's my parents' only grandchild. DP already has older children with just his surname.

I've noticed that DP often fills in just his surname for DD on forms and writes it on her clothes, water bottle etc. I did ask him to stop.

Lo and behold today I went in for 'family day' and there was a big, beautiful, clearly 'special' book of all DD's work out for display. Labelled "Firstname DPname".

I'm cross but I feel petty for being cross and want a second opinion?

WIBU to contact nursery and mention this isn't her surname? They definitely have the right version on her paperwork, and I use it every time I get in touch or label stuff. However DP clearly hasn't been. This book is being shown to her as she learns to read, might be passed on to future teacher, sent home for keeps etc and I want to nip this in the bud both with DP and school.

BTW neither of our surnames are long or complicated.

I think it's important, not petty. However I wouldn't contact the nursery until you've properly asserted your thoughts about this to your partner. It's his fault that nursery are only using his surname. The nursery is only following suit.

@Tigertealeaves good on you. Fingers crossed...

My OH recently wrote down my name as just "Jane HisName" the other day on a form - granted, in his handwriting "Jane Farrier HisName" wouldn't have fitted (I have developed a lot of practice at printing small clear letters over the years...). I was not impressed - it's been nearly 20 years!

He is otherwise a wonderful and equal partner but that doesn't mean this kind of thing isn't annoying.

From my experience, it could just as easily have been the nursery as him - not to imply any kind of malice, but mistakes get made and she's too little to advocate for herself really. My daughter got called by the wrong nickname for a while at primary school (like... Maggie rather than Meg, that kind of thing) and the teacher couldn't have been more apologetic when this was was discovered!

So why do you get to determine or 'outrank' the surname choice? A child has two parents so it should be worked out between both, the nursery does what they are told but it should be a joint thing with the par

She isn't trying to? The child uses both surnames, so nobody is outranked. That's the point.

She isn't trying to? The child uses both surnames, so nobody is outranked. That's the point.

She isn't trying to? The child uses both surnames, so nobody is outranked. That's the point.

Sorry for the triplicate post - not sure how that happened.

YANBU, do it now.

And tell your partner that every time he writes your daughter's name without your surname he is disrespecting you and your family history and ask him how he would feel if you started leaving his name off everything.

It was worked out by both of them. Their daughter has a double barreled name. Every time the OP's partner doesn't use both parts of it he is putting his own wish for his child to only have his surname ahead of what they agreed, and not using his child's actual surname which they both agreed to when she was registered.

Given that they're not married, the OP could have just registered their child's birth with her surname alone. He is taking the piss.

Definitely tell them and speak to partner. My kids only got my husband's name ( not married when they were born) because my surname belonged to my step dad who was an arse and I wanted to wipe him from our lives. Otherwise they would have had my surname until marriage.

It’s your DP.

Trouble with long surnames or double barrelled ones is you can’t fit them on labels easily. My sons driving licence doesnt have my df name on it as they dropped off one middle name to fit it on the licence.

tackle your DP on this one. It’s hard for schools to pick up on these things. I was constantly referred to as mrs Husbands surname, which is also DS surname, but not my surname. Didn’t bother me much but all of a sudden in year 8 the school must have done an audit and my name was corrected. Get them to correct it now.

I’d be furious with your DP! He’s obviously trying to steer it towards being his name only. If he tries the tradition argument point it out that tradition actually dictated a child would have the mother’s last name if unmarried, they only took the father’s if they were married therefore it was also the mother’s!

Of course we don't know what our dc will do. But in this case she didn't just double barrel - she did it spesifically because she wanted he town name to be kept because of the child being the grandparents' only grandchild, so she wanted their surname kept..my point is I don't understand why you're so hung up on making a point and keeping a surname which the child may full well change in 20 years time?

Because some of us feel it is important to object to the systematic erasure of women's names and identities in a patriarchal society, that's why.

Yes perhaps I was a little reductive in my first post. There are plenty of reasons. For example -

1. I have already travelled abroad multiple times just with DD, and sharing a surname is helpful, as others have said.
2. We are a 'blended' family. Having DD share a surname with everyone is nice.

But most importantly I want to share a name with my child just as much as her dad does! Especially as it would be v easy with our family setup for people to innocently assume I'm not her mum.

Go ask men, they seem very keen on it, don’t they? Not just for their children either, but for their adult wives.

I was wondering about that to. Did he change it? Or fill out official forms using just his name?

good question. But why ask OP and not the countless men that "give" their surnames to their children and their wives?

The OP insisting that both names are used isn´t a case of "supremacy". It seems incredibly equal to me.

Her partner exclusively using his surname however is! and he´s disregarding their agreement in regards to their DD´s surname. Which seems very disrespectful and rather "supremacist" (as you put it).

I'm married and have double barreled my surname, my husband has just kept his own, and my kids all have different surnames, except the youngest 2. So to assume that getting married will change a child's surname, (which would have to be done by deed poll btw) is ignorant

There is no reason at all for her not to have your surname and it should be treated the same as his.
If that's the name you both agreed is on her birth certificate then that's what should be used.
You should not feel bad for bringing this up and if you want her to feel confident to do so in future its good to do it :)

If it's important to you the he should also support it

@drspouse

I see what you're saying but not necessarily better off being married.

My other half didn't want to get married 15 years ago and I told him that if he didn't want to marry me by the age of 40 then I will never marry him. If I was going to be a bride, I wanted to look youthful in a wedding dress.

Now he mentions it but I'm actually better off NOT being married. I have a house (that we don't live in) and his credit rating is piss poor.

He had his chance and he blew it! 😁

@Wanderingfree32 I had one of those He's gutted

My daughter had my ex’s name even though he wasn’t her father (to be the same as her brothers)
myself and her biological dad changed it by deed poll over 12 years ago (daughter is now an adult) but my mother always address everything with the previous surname out of spite as she preferred my ex

Sounds like it’ll probably blow some minds, but I’m quadruple-barrelled - it is still a perfectly viable option in the modern era! Boxes on paper forms are always a little frustrating, but in the digital age most forms are electronic and just expand anyway. I was born double-barrelled and have my mother’s surname as my second middle name (although it is also known as a Christian name so works well in that regard). My husband also has a double-barrelled name, however for very boring and convoluted reasons he has taken my surname. He’s fortunately a very laid back and modern man, and this actually bothered me more than it did him, so I offered to take his surname also by way of compromise. We chose to write our surname as A-B-Cccccc-Dddddd. My original double-barrelled surname is at the end, with his original double-barrelled surname represented by the initials with hyphens in between and following. We have three children and they use the same format, and all our first and middle initials are separated by full stops to differentiate them from surnames. All four surnames are only written out fully on legal documentation. We advised their schools of their styling, who refer to them as initial-initial-surname-surname, and all their property/clothing labels reflects this. Our first born actually has the nickname ‘Dash’ as a result which he loves!

OP - you simply need a very clear conversation about who is referred to by what names and in what circumstances so everything is unambiguous. For example, my husband and I both had established careers under our own surnames prior to marriage, so still use our respective maiden names for work purposes. When making reservations etc in a private capacity at first I simply stated the two initials then the two names when I was asked for my surname - however this was usually interpreted as my first name initial and first middle name initial, then surname, so when they’d look alphabetically for us we wouldn’t appear. I soon learned to get around this by explicitly answering “my surname starts A-B-Cccccc-Ddddddd”.

Perhaps silly to some, but names can mean a lot to families, especially those who value tradition.

Change her name to just yours and see how that cheeky fucker likes it!