Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

hello! I know this post is old now but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and that I was in the exact same position in January 2024. I found out I was pregnant with what would have been my third. Oddly we had always thought we’d have a third but it had never happened and a few years went past, before getting this positive. I immediately felt anxious and worried and so upset that I wouldn’t have the time to spend with my older two (almost 6 and 4) when it was becoming such a fun age and we were able to do so much more. All I could think was every worst
case scenario- me dying during childbirth/becoming very unwell, being an older mother (38) and associated risks, baby spending long time in nicu, additional needs or disabilities, the age gap causing major problems, upsetting my eldest who would just be starting school, I even worried about potential world wars and the impact of AI on their future lives. I could not see any positive at all and felt so overwhelmingly like I did not want to take that risk. I have a loving, supportive husband who did try to put forward the positives and warn me about feeling regret, but I just could not see it. I found myself arranging an abortion through hysterical tears. I have regretted it and thought about it every single day. They fitted me with a coil but all I wanted was to get pregnant again. I had the coil removed in October and have been TTC since. Last month I found out I was pregnant but have since miscarried. If I now get
pregnant I’ll be due once I’m 40 and I now feel that the door has maybe closed on this chapter for me. I have two wonderful children and if there has been anything positive to come of this it is that I have made sure that I am present and making the most of having them at this brilliant age. Whilst pregnant last month I had moments of spiralling anxiety and catastrophising which scared me as I’d felt so sure that I’d be so happy to fall pregnant. Anyway, I wanted to share my story as in the many dark times since my abortion the thing that has helped me most is to know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and I hope that if someone else reads this in my position that they too can get some support in the knowledge that one more person went through this. I wouldn’t say I’ll ever get over it or not feel huge regret and shame but I hope I think I can get to a point where I accept that I was in a place of huge anxiety and physically could not think clearly.

This sounds exactly like what happened to me. I would not give up hope how long ago was the miscarriage as you could conceive again. I am 40 later in the end and desperate to concieve again but seem to be suffering fatigue and anxiety making it hard . I try so hard but often fail to go through with trying to conceive at critical moments . Did you have a SA or MA and how long after the termination did you conceive again? It can take time for hormones to settle. . I am convinced after reading similar stories that this must be to do with our age. It seems more common in the late 30s maybe due to declining hormonal levels and increased sensitivity to hormones. I so wish I had known this. My younger self would have gone ahead under any circumstances and experiences zero anxiety. I actually had an unplanned pregnancy in my early twenties and just had zero anxiety at all.. fast forward to now. Different story. It's got to be age ...

Update. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and still think about what happened before. However. This time. I do not suffer from anxiety or hyper vigilance. It just goes to show every pregnancy is different and because it happened in the past doesn't mean it will in the future.

congrats on your pregnancy! I just read this whole thread and can relate so so much. I terminated a planned pregnancy in December due to what I now know was perinatal depression/anxiety and have been living with so much regret and guilt ever since. I have two kids already and this would have been my third. I have not attempted to try again, but would like to sometime in the future. I recently turned 38 though, so time is not exactly on my side. I’m so heartbroken about what I did 4 months on. I don’t feel like my life will ever be the same again. How has your pregnancy been so far? Has it been overshadowed by the termination. I’m afraid I wont even be able to enjoy another because of the guilt I feel.

Hi, I'm 40 so at 38 you still have tonnes of time but I wouldn't leave it too long although I do think it's important to try and come to terms a little first , I ended up conceiving about a year later and with a different sperm donor for ages I was obsessed with the idea that I should go back to the original donor despite knowing his behaviour was likely a big part of why I got so anxious. Honestly, I'll never get over it and the baby I lost was a girl I'm now pregnant with a boy and I was really hoping for another girl as all my children are boys. So if I'm honest it has overshadowed because I'm not getting the same gender which makes it worse. Not that it's about gender as I'm just so grateful to be pregnant again with a viable and what looks to be a healthy baby, bit it's just another layer to contend with. I wish I had pushed through at the time but we can't blame ourselves for not being in the right head space I was also paranoid about my breast milk drying up as was still feeding my 2yo and at 30 weeks now, it has indeed dried up but he was ready to wean this time . How old is your current youngest? I'm wondering if PPA has something to do with what happened to me as he was only 2 years at the time. It does get easier in time and I'll admit there is a certain level of peace being pregnant again. I just hoping it all goes smoothly so I can least leave with a baby this time which will help bring peace somewhat I think. I think our hormones take a hit in the late 30s and we don't understand it. But I wish there were more doctors that warn about the mental health effects. They all too scared. They should be more honest and warn patients that the mental effects of terminating can exist and are not to be taken lightly. They have a duty of care to inform people but they don't seem to on this subject ! But in time it does get better. Honest. Xx give it some time and try again we can't bring back what we lost but we can try and rewrite a happier future going forward.

So sorry you went through all that. I agree there was really no forewarning to the mental fall out from all of this. I thought I would just be relieved and move on with my life after but that has not been the case at all. My youngest is 6 now. I have a boy and a girl and some days I think to myself that I should just be happy with that and move on. But then at the same time I feel like there is something missing in our family and feeling a level of incompletness. It is all so very confusing. I am doing some extensive therapy, EMDR, and have been on antidepressants since everything. I’m glad to hear that this pregnancy has brought you a level of peace and hope for a brighter future. That gives me hope, that perhaps I can have another chance and hope for a happier future.

@Fairdreams so delighted for you. I’ve been there - my little is now a year old and the best decision we’ve ever made. I thought I’d heard it all but interested in you mentioning PPA. When I had my ‘experience’ my youngest was 18 months at the time. Seems bonkers when I think about it. I felt like I was so far out in her baby stage. I think you have a point.

Hi, thanks for your message. I won't lie, I'll always regret doing what I did, and wish I had written a different life for myself but I think it'd possible to regret and try and accept at the same time . In my case, I'm pretty sure it was triggered by being at least somewhat unsure about that particular situation before I even got pregnant. Using donor sperm has all kind of extra challenges also. I definitely think it helps to have absolute conviction in wanting to be pregnant before conceiving regardless to any less than perfect circumstances , to ward off the doubts and insecurities later. I've analysed and analysed but ultimately if I had to write a report about this I would say hypervigilance and undiagnosed perinatal or postpartum anxiety caused what happened, probably triggered by circumstances where I didn't feel completely safe. If anyone is reading this in a similar situation consider those things before making a life altering decision. But if it's any consolation I also think we shouldn't beat ourselves up permanently for simply not being in the right frame of mind at a point in time and falling victim to the "get out of jail cards " society thrusts at us with no questions asked. I'm Certain you will be able to have a successful pregnancy in the future :-)

Hi , yes I don't think there is any awareness how PPA left over from a previous pregnancy can affect a new one. Like I have literally never heard of this. I did have one doctor recommended to herself behind the scenes for me not to get pregnant at that time but of course it's controversial as they can't tell anyone not to have a baby she just told me I should "wait " but never gave me a reason. Just wish I'd known but I didn't even know I had PPA at all. There should be more awareness about it.

I agree with all your sentiments exactly. I also wish more than anything that I’d ‘written a different future for myself’ too, this phrase really struck a chord with me. Also, no warning of the mental fallout, just statistics like: two years after, most woman believe it was the best decision and don’t regret it- I remember so clearly thinking yes that will be me. In reality I have moments every single day that I still cant believe that I did what I did and couldn’t see how much of an impact it would have on me for the rest of my life. Like you, I will forever regret it but also hope that I can accept that that was where I was at mentally and yes with no questions asked it felt like a get out of jail card. I continually imagine what life might have looked like, how old that baby would now be etc., which is torturous. As I have said before, the only thing that has got me through really is knowing that there are others who experienced similar. I had a few counselling sessions and one thing she mentioned was to find any redeeming features from the situation, which I also found helpful. For me, that is knowing I will show great compassion to people struggling with mental health or having made some bad decisions, and I’m often reminding my children that we are all just human and make mistakes. I also have felt even more grateful for my family unit. I also strangely found some comfort in having a miscarriage in that it highlighted that in that pregnancy my body couldn’t hold on to it, and in the previous pregnancy it was my mind that couldn’t hold on to it. Anyway, I wish you all so much peace and happiness.

Hey all. I know this is a really old thread but I wondered if anyone could share experiences of what’s it’s been like post termination? I went through this a couple of months back. I’m currently in a terrible state and struggling to see any hope for the future. I have severe regret and I hope I’m lucky enough to have a baby in the future but at the moment I don’t feel worthy. How did TTC post abortion go? Did you find it hard?

Hi there. Sorry to hear you have experienced this situation also. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant again at 40. I conceived about a year later but had actually tried from immediately afterwards onwards. I used another donor and he didn't work unfortunately then I changed to someone else and conceived second try. I won't lie i was experiencing anxiety perhaps the same anxiety that caused the termination in the first place. It didn't go away. I didn't go ahead some some attempts as I got so anxious. I look back now and wonder if breastfeeding was causing it or the desperation to ttc had at some point even before the pregnancy that I terminated because the stakes were so high or left over ppa. Because since I've been pregnant again apart from the first trimester. It just went away! I'm not in that "state" anymore. So there is hope for others too history will not repeat itself. I put on a lot of weight during that grief time afterwards , planning to ttc again was the only thing I held onto. The weight hasn't gone though. I would recommend being very careful of that it was a real kick in the teeth and still is about what happened too. Grief does improve in time though. I still have regret and would have chosen differently . But well deep down I know also that I wasn't in a good place then. Things will improve X

A really old thread but one that I think is important to keep alive. It’s such an under discussed and misunderstood subject. Perinatal anxiety can be horrific!

It gets better from where you are now. Just because your brain is struggling to process doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing for you at the time. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed ttc again.

Mentally ttc again was hard. I was terrified of my brain doing the same thing to me but it didn’t and I’m so so grateful to have my daughter here.

Yeah so much brushes under the carpet about the affects on woman of doing this. Is this a daughter you conceived later after a termination ? I'm 36 weeks and just hoping I don't feel sad for who the child may have been and just try to focus on who they are now . If that makes sense?

Hi again I went back over your posts. So you conceived again? You are ahead of the timeline from me. I'm 36 weeks with another baby I conceived a year after the termination (which I regret but also know I wasn't in the best place at the time ) I'm worried that the past will still haunt in a way. Now your daughter is here and you are bonded do you find yourself being grateful for them and not focusing so much on who the "other child " might have been ? I'm worried about this but I guess real life in the flesh bonding counts more than "ghosts " if that makes sense ? I'm really grateful to be pregnant again. I just really nervous this late in the pregnancy because I want bub safely delivered.

I’ll be honest, I had some difficulties at a point a few months postpartum I struggled a.bit but not for long never ever thinking that it should have been anyone other than the baby I got. She’s perfect, exactly who she should be and arrived exactly when she should. I hate what happened but I can’t regret it as such as without that I’d never have her, I was able to be healthy for her and be the mum that I should be. I need to be grateful for what happened in a way and that can be hard. Everyone’s journey is different to get to where they’re meant to be and I guess that’s just part of being human.