Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just started up a Mumsnet account cause I had one Wednesday just gone. I'm traumatised from the whole experience. I was 7 weeks. Myself and partner have two kids and I had post natal depression twice requiring medication which I'm still on and almost hospitalisation the last time. I couldn't eat or sleep I got so unwell mentally. I love my kids dearly but suffer so badly mentally post natally. my partner has been out of work with an injury and said we wouldn't be able to cope with another. I can't believe we got into this mess. From what I hear it does get easier though. Right now I'm trying to be strong for my two kids and doing normal things but I know I'm struggling and feeling guilty. I'm going to ring a counsellor tomorrow to try talk to a professional. When I stop bleeding I'll hope to get into some exercise to try regulate my mood. I can't give up for my kids sake.
Hope you get the help you need too. Have you a friend or a helpline you can call? I hope this awful feeling passes

@There34 I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Thanks for getting back to me.

I'm struggling to function and can't stop crying. I wanted my baby but just felt I wouldn't manage but in reality I would. I know now that anxiety made me spiral out of control.

I've been speaking to my husband who has been brilliant and is looking after our boys. I have work today and don't know how I'm going to get through it.

I miss my baby so much. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad too.

I don't feel like the counselling helps me but I'm happy it does for you.

I feel so angry with myself and can't believe I've done this when I wanted my baby so much 💔

It's definitely helpful to chat to other moms here that are going through the same.
I hope you can find comfort in something even if it's just chatting to a friend. I opened up to a friend and realised she went through the same. It's so hard & women have it unbelievably tough! I'm in Ireland so there is a helpline I'm gonna try call to talk to a counsellor. You'll go through the motions anger, grief, upset, yesterday was just a downer for me I was so irritated which upset me more because it's not in my nature. Little things irritated me which I'm putting down to what has happened and I cant change it so it's causing me anxiety. Then the hormones to top it off. I'm annoyed with my partner so I'm taking it out on him today it seems.
I am annoyed I got into this mess.
I'm still bleeding 5 days on and hoping it'll stop soon. You would be drained from it. I hope your okay today. If you need to why don't you take time off work to take it easy? Be kind to yourself.

@There34 hi, I hope the helpline helped. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it just my husband. I'm lucky that I work from home at least. Still bleeding too and hope I'll feel better after that stops. Life feels so hard right now and I don't know how to feel any better. I feel so broken. Sending all the love to you xxx

Hi, just sending some love and support. I was you in the summer 23. I had a complete break brown Sept 23. Worst decision I ever made! But there is light at the end of tunnel. I was in a very dark place but now i am back in work, started a college course and volunteering and got myself a puppy. I attend counselling which helped a lot. Ride the waves. I have good days and bad days but more good these days. You will get there and I'm here if you need a chat x

@SJL2409 I'm struggling everyday. I can't take time off work either and nobody knows. I have no one to talk to other than my husband and I'm utterly devastating.

How long did it take you to start feeling a bit better? I can't believe I let the anxiety get the better of me. I love children and babies too. I'm so heartbroken and don't know how to get through this.

Thanks so much for the support and encouragement xxx

Hi, I can relate SO much.

I have two kids, I thought I wanted a third and I terminated at 14 weeks on Thursday. I have also suffered 4 miscarriages. I cannot believe I’m here and that I’ve done this and I feel beyond awful. I also cannot stop hyperventilating and crying. I was so so unsure before and I wish I had realized that I wouldn’t magically feel relief after. If I’d know I’d feel this way I’d not have done it.

I am sure though that if I hadn’t gone ahead I’d still be in some level of turmoil and not feeling confident in a decision to continue the pregnancy. The issues that now seem totally insignificant would feel real still and would be causing me a lot of stress.

It seems there are quite a few of us who are in this situation or have been in this situation which gives me comfort that this wasn’t just some insane thing I did - we really were in such a difficult situation and did what we thought would be the best thing to do.

@Lexaline I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I'm a week on from you. It's so hard still. I feel the same as you, that the reasons for not going ahead seem so insignificant now. I had said to my husband though that I thought my hormones might be exacerbating that feeling and I think that was right. I never thought I'd do this (given that I'd miscarried) and have never regretted anything more.

I'm sorry you feel so awful. I'm about to start counselling as I'm struggling. I've got to get myself well for my two children who are very sweet and trying to help me feel better.

I know it sounds crazy but I write to the baby everyday and tell him I'm sorry.

Have you got much support? Now is the time to lean on it. X

@Unreliablenightmare thank you for replying. I am feeling just awful as well. I cannot believe this is happening. Like you I never thought I’d do this after miscarriage. My miscarriages traumatised me and now all I’ve done is increase that trauma by a million.

I’m scared I’ll never recover from this. I am struggling to look at my kids in the same way which is an awful feeling. I’m going to start counselling asap - I’m desperate for something to make this pain less acute.

I feel awful today.

@Lexaline I was traumatised by miscarriage. I felt like I went to hell and back with miscarriage but realise now that this is real hell. I feel marginally better, we definitely made the wrong decision and I know that now. I want to give you some hope that even I can see I am marginally better. I haven't been anywhere in a week and a half (work from home). Also struggled to be around or look at my children. I have been totally distressed.

I promise we will get through this and feel like I know we got this wrong but part of thinks that this is also like miscarriage because the anxiety controlled me. I know we will try again and know what we want now.

You're not alone and if you want to message me then please do. It feels like drowning with no-one to pull you out xxx

@Unreliablenightmare thank you. I’m so glad that you are feeling marginally better - this gives me hope.

Miscarriage was awful and I thought this pregnancy was a result of my inability to recover from miscarriage and thought it was not what I actually wanted, I was just trying to heal from miscarriage or something along those lines. I fully freaked out about my and my partner’s age. Now it seems like nothing. Especially as my youngest is only 2 - what was I thinking.

I work from home as well so I am very isolated but I cannot imagine having to face people right now. I took my eldest to her dance class yesterday and had a hyperventilating breakdown.

We won’t be trying again and I am so devastated this is how it has all ended, I won’t be pregnant again, I won’t feel a baby kick or hear a heartbeat. I keep getting sensations in my stomach that resemble kicks and it makes me sick.

I am truly terrified I’ll never recover from this. I feel like I let my kids down, especially my eldest who wants more siblings and would love a baby.

I can’t believe I did this. I don’t know how to survive this time at all.

@Lexaline oh love, it's so so sad. I think our situations sound very similar (also have a nearly two year old and was worrying about our age too).

I don't think I will get over this but I'm going to get all the support I can to get through it.

You made a mistake (I made a mistake), whilst I don't think I deserve forgiveness, I do think that something else took over my ability to think rationally and all tyat rational thinking returned after i wasnt pregnant anymore. You will survive, I promise you will. Your children need you which is why you will survive.

In time we'll not let this make define us and honour the baby we lost. I'm sending you all the love and strength and I'm here for you xxx

@Unreliablenightmare thank you again. God yes our situations sound so similar. I don’t know how old you are but everyone was telling me I was worrying about my age unnecessarily and I wish wish wish I could have seen what they were saying. My partner is older than me and he wasn’t worried about our ages at all. I hate myself for obsessing over it. I kept thinking I didn’t want to go through the baby and toddler years again and I was ready to be done. I also just wanted to move on from all the trauma associated with pregnancy, miscarriage, thinking about getting pregnant etc etc. I had a very stressful pregnancy with my second baby and it’s just been several years of struggling with anxiety and depression. I just felt like I wanted it over and I was ready to move on into a new phase of life. Now all I want is to go back to last week, accept this pregnancy and embrace it.

I believe you absolutely deserve forgiveness and even though I cannot accept it I believe I deserve forgiveness as well. We weren’t trying to cause ourselves huge trauma. We weren’t trying to do the wrong thing. We thought we were doing the right thing. My partner tells me that all the feelings I had before were valid, it’s just now that all the risks of continuing the pregnancy are gone, my mind is free to focus on all the positives that could have been as the stakes have completely changed. This is really true. Although I wish I could go back and take it back, I know that I would be going back to uncertainty and feeling like I’d done the wrong thing by getting pregnant. I’m trying so hard to remember what my reasoning was. It is so so hard though. I feel like I lost my mind and now my mind is clear however, when I found out I was pregnant I thought I had lost my mind and got pregnant when I shouldn’t have. I felt like it brought me clarity about what I wanted and didn’t want.

It sounds like, like me, you may have been suffering with some unresolved mental health issues and it’s critical to focus on them now. I’ve started antidepressants and I’m going back to the doctor as soon as I can to talk about how I’m feeling and other options for medication (if there are any) and look into counselling asap.

I feel a heavy feeling in my chest and it feels unbearable. I’m trying to cuddle my kids as much as possible to not let the feeling of crushing guilt take over how I interact with them. Yesterday my eldest asked if we could have another baby and I just wanted to DIE.

I am so sorry that you’re going through this as well, but I’m so thankful to have someone who knows what this feels like.

@Lexaline I felt the same too about the baby and toddler years. We don't have any family nearby either so we're very limited with support too and i just felt it was too much. I forgot how capable me and my husband are and how we've done well with our too so far.

I'm just so regretful and the same, can't believe I've done it and now I have to walk this miserable path again. The only thing that got me through miscarriage was trying again for our youngest.

I'm having counselling but before all of this I wouldn't describe myself as someone who suffered with anxiety but the perinatal anxiety just too over.

That must have been really hard with your daughter. I'm so sorry. That would have really upset me too.

At least we know that as distressing as these feelings are, perhaps it was the anxiety. I'm here if you ever want to talk xxx

@Unreliablenightmare we don’t have family anywhere near either and I thought we would struggle. It wasn’t the main reason behind the decision but I was scared about going through more years of being at home with a baby/toddler and being isolated and falling into depression. I thought I wanted my kids to grow up so they were both at school and I could have some of my life back. I don’t feel like that at all now. How old is your eldest? Mine will be turning 6 soon. I now feel like this baby would have been the perfect age gap for her - just over 6 years, for her to really enjoy it and have a different experience. I feel utterly sick that I destroyed this.

I was the same - I got through miscarriage by the knowledge I could try again. I feel sick now thinking about how I’m going to get through this next period without the focus on getting pregnant. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this.

My eldest is 4. Just started school and the thought of not having them in school until 2029 was quite overwhelming for me. My eldest will be 5 in August and has been really interested in babies recently. I felt the same. I only went back to work a few months ago after my first maternity leave and I was thinking that was all done with and I actually quite like this job (and very lucky to have found something so practical around the boys).

Find a counsellor. I went on a directory and have booked it privately. I feel full of doom though that even if I did get pregnant something will go wrong and it will be my punishment.

I'm 39 btw so time is definitely not on my side xxx

@Unreliablenightmare I also feel like if I was to try and get pregnant again I’d definitely miscarry. I’ve had 4 miscarriages so for whatever reason, I am just at a higher risk for more. I cannot believe I threw away this last opportunity, a viable pregnancy. I just can’t believe it. I feel like I can’t interact with my friends anymore because I’m all consumed by this and hardly any of them know.

Yes I felt horribly anxious about the idea of how long it would be until they were all in school. God how I wish I had realized it wouldn’t matter because nothing could be worse than the pain I’m in now. Life would be harder but not unmanageable.

I am going to try and book in with a counsellor tomorrow as I’m just desperate for some tiny bit of relief from this pain. I hope you get an appointment soon.

@Lexaline miscarriage robs you of all the joy of pregnancy. Every day is anxious and only when you hold your baby do you feel that relief. That's why we never actively tried for number 3. I should have taken it as a blessing too.

I know what you mean about friends. I've shut myself off. No one knows either and I don't know what I'd say. Only two people other than my husband knew I was pregnant and neither of them were that helpful.

I didn't find anyone that helpful when we miscarried either and they would say really stupid and hurtful things without realising it so definitely not leaving on anyone and if anything, I've closed myself off. It's too painful to say out loud. I feel so so broken from it all. And empty.

It's still very early days for both of us. I have a face to face appointment on Tuesday.

There's an organisation called arch trust (Google it). There's a line on there staffed by volunteers who have been through the same. I called but hung up. I find it too difficult to talk about.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so painful xxx

@Unreliablenightmare I also had little support during miscarriages and had friends who said hurtful things. I don’t have any close friends who have been through it either so I think this added to my traumatic response as I felt so alone and such a defective freak.

I wish I could go back. I cannot believe I had what had and I threw it away. It’s just unbelievable. I feel like I’m living in a total nightmare. I could have had everything and I threw away a viable pregnancy that I had tried so hard to get. I don’t know where to go from here.

You’re right it is very early days. I’m told it won’t feel this horrendous forever. I can’t imagine it but I hope it’s true.

@Lexaline oh love. I only had one friend who'd been through it and she was good but everyone else was hopeless. I had retained products and it went on for 3 months. The night before surgery my sister told me I should see someone as I was crying - had never asked for support from anyone and kept myself to myself,. She said "you can't feel like this forever ", like id been milking it. I was so angry with her. I was still in the middle of it all and wasn't even allowed a human response to being worried about surgery. She just didn't get it. She's usually very sweet as well.

I know that feeling of your body not doing what it was made to do. Like you can't even do the thing your body is supposed to. I know I'm lucky to have my boys which is why I feel so much like I've let myself down.

I'll be your friend. You can talk to me any time you need it and obviously we've been through exactly the same thing. I'm sure when the physical effects finish then we're likely to feel emotionally stronger.

You don't have to go anywhere from here. 1 day at a time xxx

@Unreliablenightmare thank you so much. It is comforting to know I’m not the only person in this position. I keep thinking back to when I was in the hospital only Thursday and how I could have just walked out instead of ruining my life. In the end everything would have been fine, we would have had the baby and we would have coped and we would have been happy. My eldest would have been so happy. I could have asked family to come stay and I could have made a better self care plan.

I also had people who expected me to get over my miscarriage within like a week and had all sorts of hurtful comments from friends. One in particular who kept suggesting there was probably something wrong with me. It was so painful but this is the worst pain I’ve ever been in. The wish to go back…it’s almost unbelievable to think it’s impossible. How can I not undo such a horrible trauma.

Thank you so much for talking it through with me. It is not possible for these acute feelings to last forever.

@Lexaline I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sure that we'll eventually be able to move forward. I'm not even religious or spiritual so can't even pray to anyone. I'll definitely be thinking of you and really hope you manage to get some support. Anxiety has alot to answer for. I've never felt anything like it and made the worst decision that I can't ever change.

People really do want you to gwt over it all in no time. I think while you're still suffering physically there's no getting over the emotional toll. I did it medically so it's likely to last a while longer yet.

You're welcome. I'm grateful to have someone to talk to as well. A couple of others have also been very kind to me too on here xx

@Unreliablenightmare I keep thinking about how I might end up 60 and still feeling like this is the biggest regret and mistake of my life. I’m not religious or spiritual either and just feel completely hopeless. All I want is to sleep so I can have some relief from this experience. I’m scared I’m not going to be able to come to terms with not trying to get pregnant anymore. It was so much of the focus of the last year. I’m terrified of having to go through each cycle knowing it’s just for nothing.

I cannot believe this is happening. I didn’t think I’d feel this way at all.

@Lexaline I'm so sorry. With time theboain will get easier. You might always regret it but that doesn't mean that you can't have a fulfilled life with your lovely children still.

Have you heard of expectful? It's an app (free). I'm not someone who meditates but it's the only thing that helped me sleep when I miscarried and it helps me now too. My mind wanders at night but I just try and retune into the app and the voice. There are sleep stories on there that help me get to sleep (I never hear the end of them). I'd literally be tossing and turning for hours if I didn't have something to focus on.

It's a pregnancy related app but you set it up for loss when you sign up. It might be worth a go. Totally get the sleep and having a break from it all and wanting the pain to stop even just for a little while.

Xxx

@Lexaline * the pain