Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

@Unreliablenightmare thank you for the app recommendation - I will check it out. Definitely having a harder time falling asleep than usual.

I managed to get to a place of relative calm last night but today I woke up with such a horrible feeling in my chest. The physical sensations are awful. I told work I cannot work.

I think I’m realizing some of my mental health issues/depression and how they’ve impacted everything.

I hope this eases with time.

@Lexaline I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I am too. Good to take some time off work. I have to go into London tomorrow which I'm dreading.

I had to go to the GP as I think I have retained products and I just can't stand that I've done this. I just want to move forward but it feels impossible. I was so upset having to tell him that I did this. I've cried since getting home from the apple and can't stop.

I hope you're okay. I definitely think that anxiety was at fault for me. The one person that I want to forgive me, can't and I don't know how to deal with that.

This is such an overwhelming feeling xxx

@Unreliablenightmare I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad today. Were you able to tell you the GP how you’re feeling? Could they help at all? What did they say about the retained products?

Last night I felt like it could be possible to come to terms with this by accepting that I was essentially mentally unwell when I made this choice. I still feel like I hate myself and it’s my fault but perhaps one day I can view it differently. Perhaps it could be the same for you?

I feel so sick I can’t get this back. I’ve thrown away my last chance, I cannot believe it. It can be so hard to get pregnant and I know firsthand how hard it can be to have a viable pregnancy and I had it and I threw it away.

@Lexaline I wasnt able to tell him and he didn't ask, I was crying through the whole appointment. Rationally I know that the anxiety I was feeling took over and that I did this out of uncontrollable fear but I just can't stop feeling this way. I'm so utterly heartbroken.

Pregnancy is so hard after loss and I feel I'll never get it back again either. Why was this your last chance? I hope it's not mine. I can't believe I've done this. I can only think about what I've done and trying again xxx

@Unreliablenightmare I don’t think my partner could handle it if I said we need to try again after all of this. And I feel quite sure I’d end up with more miscarriages and more trauma. I can’t believe what I did either. I cannot believe I am here. I also feel completely heartbroken but I broke my own heart. Miscarriage was so awful but at least I didn’t do it to myself. I can’t believe it.

@Lexaline this is how I feel too. I can't believe I've put myself, my baby and my family through all of this. I feel so guilty for not being present with my boys either.

@Unreliablenightmare I know. I’m struggling with my kids so much as well. I am trying my hardest to show them lots of love but playing and having fun with them seems completely impossible. I just felt sick thinking of next Christmas and how there should be an extra stocking and now there won’t be. I’m terrified I’ll feel this way forever.

@Lexaline it's so hard. I just want this all over with so that we can move forward. I know they're not even going to agree to do a scan yet so don't know why I even bothered with the GP. I can't move forward without knowing that it's still not physically finished.

I feel like my thoughts are all rambling at the moment

@Unreliablenightmare I know. I keep coming over with horrible physical sensations that feel completely overwhelming. I feel like I’m drowning or suffocating. I want the physical process to be done as well but I’m also terrified of my cycle resuming and me noticing all the signs of ovulation and everything. God I cannot believe I did this. When I was pregnant any sign of the pregnancy made me feel anxious and want to ignore and now I desperately desperately want it all back

@Lexaline I would do anything to go back. I wish I'd have talked some sense into myself. Any anxiety about the future would be so much easier than this. I was even saying to mu husband that I was feeling more panic about actually going through with a termination so I don't know how or why I even did it. I feel horrendous today. I miss my baby so much and I miss the feeling of not having this horrible overwhelming feeling hanging over me.

I'm sorry, you're going through a rough time and it's like unfairly dumping it on someone else xx

@Unreliablenightmare I feel like we feel exactly the same. I went to a termination appointment the week before and I couldn’t go ahead. And I sat for ages last week before taking the meds to start the process. If I was so unsure, WHY did I do it? I know if I could go back I’d be going back to uncertainty and fear and worry that I should terminate but those feelings are nothing compared with the pain of now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too - it’s unbearable.

@Lexaline it is unbearable. I wish I'd have thrown them away. I rang to book the midwife appointment and because I knew I was probably suffering from perinatal anxiety. I was speaking to the midwife and broke down and said I didn't know what I wanted but I wanted to speak to the perinatal anxiety team. She just told me to ring BPAS and that haunts me now.

Sounds like we're going though exactly the same feelings. I'm having a bad day but yesterday was better. I promise you'll recover. If I ever get a chance to move forward I'll be so much more grateful. I feel so broke at the moment xx

@Lexaline where do you live? Sorry if that's weird to ask xx

@Unreliablenightmare I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day. It gives me some hope that you felt better yesterday. I feel like I’ll never not feel like this. Last night I went to a friend’s house (the only friend that knows) and she talked me through it for ages and she thinks my depression is what’s talking and I’ll be ok. She did remind me that it won’t feel like this forever. It just feels unbearable right now.

I live in Canada but I am from the UK. Whereabouts are you?

@Lexaline I'm in the UK. Northamptonshire. Thank you, I'm so sorry that we're both going through this.

You won't feel like this forever, neither will I but it's just so so hard while you are feeling like this. The days are so so long. I just want to fast forward a month or something so that this dread feeling isn't there. It's my little boys birthday in February (turns 2) and I'm so worried that I'll be struggling and he'll have a rubbish time. I just want to go to sleep and this all be finished.

I'm glad you spoke to your friend and I really hope that helped. I really wish that neither of us were going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone

@Unreliablenightmare I know, I keep thinking about future events and panicking about how I’m going to cope. It’s my eldest’s birthday in March. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about Christmas.

I booked a counselling appointment for today. I’m just hoping for temporary relief at this point.

It’s just a horrifying situation basically. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either. We are not the first and won’t be the last. I read a lot of regret posts before going ahead, I didn’t think it would happen to me.

@Lexaline I really hope you'll be feeling alot better by March and I know what you mean about Christmas. I just hope our situation is different by then. Even if that is just being able to forgive ourselves a tiny bit. It can't feel as bad as this.

I hope your counselling session goes okay. It's so hard but I'm trying to be as honest as possible in hope that they'll understand.

I was the opposite for what I looked at. I looked alot at those who didn't regret it and now I wish I'd have given the other side some serious thought. I didn't think about this feeling at all. I feel so angry with myself and I hate the clinic. Mine was all done from home but I can't help but think that if I'd been there face to face they'd have seen the dread in me and sent me away. I'm so unbelievably regretful. Obviously not their fault but u can't help but feel so much anger towards them and myself. I feel like an awful person. I know I'm not and I did this out if fear for my children but I just got it so so wrong and now I can't go back.

@Unreliablenightmare I totally understand. If it helps, I read the regret stories, I had numerous doctors appointment, I was so unsure, they essentially turned me away from the first termination appointment/I walked out, I was SO unsure, I thought I knew the other side and I STILL did it. And now I feel worse than I’ve ever felt. I keep saying I wish so badly someone had screamed at me and begged me not to do it. But likely it wouldn’t have made a difference. So try not to think about what you wish you had considered beforehand because honestly you probably would have made the same decision, you can’t rationalise away the feelings and anxiety. I tried and I couldn’t. And that’s why we can’t feel ok now because we cannot rationalise this feeling and we cannot imagine what on earth we were thinking before. I can’t even remember how I felt. I know I was unsure but all I remember now is warm feelings towards my pregnancy. Our brains are doing this to us and we are torturing ourselves. It’s not our fault even though we feel like it is.

@Lexaline

@Lexaline I know that you're totally right. It's just so hard still. I really want to feel better but I'm finding it so hard. I don't even have a negative test yet. They're still so dark and I'm desperate for it to be negative.

I have counselling tomorrow but I find confronting it all so difficult. Guilt, regret. I hate what I've done and hate myself so much at the moment. My boys need me so much so I'm going to try and get myself together a bit more to be better for them but it's so hard.

I'm here for you to vent and offload to if you need me. We wouldn't tell a friend the awful things we tell ourselves. You deserve forgiveness and you deserve to be happy even though it might not feel like that right now xxx

@Unreliablenightmare absolutely yes, the same to you as well. I hate myself but I don’t think you should hate yourself at all which means I know I shouldn’t hate myself. We did what we thought was the right thing to do. We were absolutely not trying to cause trauma and ruin anything.

Try to tell the counsellor everything - they won’t judge you at all. They will absolutely understand and the more they know the more they can help. They hopefully will help us see that our experience is more common than we realize. I’m terrified I’ll never recover from this and I’ve ruined my children’s lives as a result. But my friend told me I WILL feel joy again and there are so many more experiences in life to come. We will get better for our kids and ourselves. I’m very glad we have each other to talk to. Thank you so much.

@Lexaline I'm grateful too. Thank you. You will feel joy again and so will I. It might feel like a long road ahead. We have to remind ourselves that we did this out of love. Even for the baby that never came. For me it was about not giving all of my children the life they deserve and wanting them to thrive not survive.

I'm hoping all of this will pass soon but for now the days might be hard. I'm going to try and be as honest as I can and hope for a better day tomorrow. Easier said than done. When is your counselling xx

@Unreliablenightmare mine is this afternoon. I’m just hoping for some temporary relief and someone to tell me I’m going to survive and maybe even some tips as to how I can live through this.

Yes - you made this choice for the good of everyone. I thought I would be messing up our beautiful family. And I felt like I couldn’t do it to us. It felt like the safer option going back to the family I have. I was definitely worried about the impact on my kids, especially the youngest. Now I feel like I have taken away something that could have been amazing for them. But my mum is trying to remind me I haven’t taken anything away from them. It’s so hard though. We were trying our best we really really were.

@Lexaline I felt exactly the same way. Particularly about our younger son too who I thought doesn't get enough time as it is. I really didn't want him to be. Middle child and feel like he was neglected. Babies demand attention and our eldest is always good at taking the attention on to him so I was so worried that I would damage him. I read so much about parents who wish they'd have stopped at 2 and thought they were better parents to two. I've realised now that me and my husband who don't have support at all are really good at juggling it all. We've also talked about building the family that we crave to be nearer for ourselves.

I really hope your counselling goes well. I really hope you get what you need from it. You made the choice at the time out of love and so did I xxx

@Unreliablenightmare yes EXACTLY. I didn’t want my youngest to be a middle child, and similarly my eldest is hard work and very good at taking all the attention as well. My kids love each other and I was terrified of ruining their dynamic. I also read a lot of stories of people who wished they had stopped at 2, and people who had 2 siblings and said it wasn’t that great and someone was always getting left out. See we did do research and we tried to do the best thing.