Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Hello I hope you don't mind me commenting on this post. I am 32, am six weeks pregnant and feeling absolute despair. It was planned but I didn't think it through properly in terms of timings and expected stupidly that it would take ages. Now I am only 6 months into a new job that I love and feel as if I was only just getting into the swing of. Husband and I are living with my Mum and don't know where we will be by due date. Plus my Dad died last year of a horrible illness and I'm still working through my grief. I feel like I wasn't thinking straight to start TTC in these circumstances. Feel so so low. I know termination will bring great guilt but wondering if it is justified in this instance? Scared I won't be able to care of myself or baby. I have suffered so much with anxiety and depression and just bitterly wishing I'd waited and got help before I began this process. Thank you.

@P234567 this thread is built on people who have felt nothing but regret. It is the worst decision to make. No reason is right or wrong so only you can judge that. I can tell you though that I made the wrong decision and I've never felt worse than I have since all of this happened. The decision I made was through crisis and mmi have regular flashbacks. What I'm feeling is definitely trauma. I'm going through counselling and I struggle to feel present. I'm preoccupied and anxious and only want to be pregnant now. Not saying any of this to scare you but it is the truth about how I feel.

You're only 6 weeks. Please don't rush your decision. Give yourself the time and make a plan as to how the baby will fit in your life.

I really hope you're okay. It's so tough being a woman!

@Unreliablenightmare I'm glad you're okay, as much as it feels like only surviving atm. One day the sun will come out again, it's a bloody hard road getting to that acceptance though. I have found my sessions with a psychologist really beneficial, much more than the counsellors I saw but also wonder if it's because I'm further down the track now too. I look back at photos from that time and you wouldn't know what was going on, I did a really good job of hiding it which I'm proud I still showed up for my kids but man it was hard! Lots of hugs and support

@P234567 Nobody can tell you the right decision, however everyone here feels robbed of their decision clarity by anxiety. Having a termination will make the immediate anxiety go away but how will you feel about that decision after the dust has settled is something to contemplate. I probably made the right decision for my mental health at the time but wish I'd asked for help vs thinking this was the best option to deal with it. However none of us know where the other road may have taken us. Lots of support available here if you need it.

Hi all, I am really struggling 3 months on post termination. I cannot believe I did this to myself and I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me my life would be changed forever :(

How is everyone feeling? I’m sinking into a terrible place and I can’t cope anymore. It’s been 3 months of absolute hell. I don’t see it ever getting better all I do is cry every single day I’m anxious I can barely eat

Hey @Summersam97 - please don’t think you’re alone. A lot of us have been here and personally I can honestly say it’s the hardest road I’ve ever walked and ever hope to. I’m about a year on now and although I still have my moments of sadness about what happened and I’ll never ever understand my state of mind, I have had a lot of help and I now have more understanding of what on earth my brain did to me and how much of that was outwith my control which gives me more empathy towards myself. Are you accessing services that can help? Is your GP aware of the situation? Do you have things to keep you busy?

I’m still looking for a therapist but it feels like I have full on psychosis. I have never felt this weird and bad in my entirelife life. I made a terrible mistake and I don’t see my life ever improving. I am going to the endocrinologist to get my hormones tested. :( thanks for replying

I was like that. It was terrifying the state I was in & so out of character. At one point I honestly felt I should probably be an in-patient. I had a lot of hormone tests too as the impact of my cycle after all that happened was beyond extreme. I think it’s really poor that this potential outcome is never discussed - any other medical procedure & all potential side effects etc are discussed in detail but this were led to believe may cause some slight ‘low mood’. For some they come out unscathed but that’s not the case for many as can be seen on these forums. It can be life changing but that doesn’t need to be the case forever, you won’t always feel this bad & out of control. It sounds like you’re taking steps to help yourself which is half the battle.

@Summersam97 I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.i felt the same. I wasn't coping but I knew the only thing to get me through was the hope of somehow trying to undo what I'd done (which was obviously impossible) but for me it was by trying again. Nothing will ever undo it. I'm still sad about the baby we lost and I say lost because my logical brain tells me I was ill and suffering. My heart hasn't fully forgiven me yet.

This is such a tough road and I'm truly sorry for all you're going through. It wasn't your fault. You'd tell anyone else that, so please try and tell yourself too.

Sending all the love and strength xxx

@Poster57 what did your hormone tests say? My period comes on time but I get so severely depressed before and I am severely depressed and have severe anxiety everyday. It’s already been 3 months. I don’t feel like I’m living the same life I was before. I have a son and he’s the only reason I’m still fighting holding on for dear life. I really didn’t think this is how I would be after. I knew I wasn’t sure about my decision and never really agreed with abortion. I feel like I’m living truly in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

@Unreliablenightmare
so you ended up trying for another baby? I don’t feel that that’s the best option for me at the moment or ever considering I’m unstable and full of regret now. I would feel guilty

@Summersam97 my hormone tests surprisingly came back normal. I ended up being diagnosed with pmdd. The switch in my brain pre menstrually was significant. I also experienced some similar mood impacts around ovulation which seems to be less common. The depths of the darkness were unspeakable, I have 2 kids, all I’ve ever wanted is to be a Mum. I couldn’t believe I could have these two incredible children and feel so close to the edge.

Don’t underestimate the impact that hormones have on our mood and our decision making whilst pregnant. Some of us are extremely sensitive to those steep rises in hormone levels. In my situation I had a very well planned pregnancy but I seem to have reacted incredibly badly to the rise in progesterone. The way those hormones made me feel whilst pregnant are not a way I’d wish anyone to ever feel.

3 months is very early days. I still wasn’t nearly able to work at that point never mind remotely function. Those close to me were scared to ever leave me alone. It will take time & I’m sure you did what you felt was right for you and for your son at the time. We can only do our best. There are some charities that can help, Stillwater etc, I’ve worked with one of them and I’ve found most of it helpful. I’ve also worked with a therapist & I’ve found antidepressants a horrible necessity but have kept me on an even keel after adjusting for the time that I needed them to. At some point that noise won’t be there 24/7

@Poster57
the thing is with my pregnancy I am always super super happy. I was elated and the world had color and I had a pep in my step. But the way my son’s dad is, and the reaction I got really upset me. I’m a single mom to my son and I freaked out at the idea of another baby doing it alone. I was in denial and even told the doctor who confirmed my pregnancy that I googled that Prozac (an antidepressant I was on at the time) makes false positives. And she was like mmm never heard of that. Then I got a blood test done. The dad was convincing me the entire weekend that I need to focus on my one son with special needs and I can’t handle 2 kids. And I honestly didn’t think I could manage. I was not excited about this pregnancy like I was with the first one. I was scared and made a quick decision. Within 4 days I had already had the surgical abortion at 5 weeks 4 days. The days after it and currently were a nightmare. Insomnia, nightmares, screaming and crying, shaking, diarrhea, intense depression and dissociation. I am still like this.

I'm not sure where to start on this but I suspect I had pmdd too.

I had an abortion immediately regretted it and got pregnant 3 months later ish.

Had baby was happy but suddenly when driving alone had thought of the baby I aborted felt sad. But I knew why I had to have it done or why at that moment I chose to do it.

My 3rd baby is now 18 months it's been hard having 3 kids I've had moments where I've realised why I chose to have the abortion. I was looking after me, the baby that would have been and my 2 other kids.

Trust your maternal instincts and forgive yourself. You made a decision based on what you felt was safe for the baby at the time. I had to go through another pregnancy and have another child to realise why it had to be done. You feel sad you had to do it but you have to keep telling talking to yourself about it.

I just wish I would have been safer and realized that this would have a huge impact on me. I could have been on birth control I could have prevented all of this and I just thought oh it won’t happen or if it does we will make it work…. That’s not what happened at all. I really really hope I’m able to survive this because waking up everyday depressed is really wearing me down.

Be kind to yourself. Ask for forgiveness. Take baby steps and do things for yourself. I coped looking at it spiritually that my baby is somewhere safe and I prayed to God that I'd be reunited one day.

It just hurts too much to think I could have prevented this. I don’t understand why I thought I would be ok after. When I knew I didn’t like abortion and I struggle with mental health issues. I know everyone is saying time heals. Is it normal to feel like I will never feel better?

Yes, we did. It's not the right thing for everyone but it was for us. I think it took that situation to realise what I wanted.

Life is hard now but the sun will shine again. You'll likely not get over this. I'm not sure anyone does but You'll learn to live with it and hopefully forgive yourself. You deserve that much because it wasn't your fault. Xx

Totally normal to feel like you’ll never be ok. Depression wouldn’t be very effective in what it does if you were able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression makes you believe it will never be better. Depression lies. As @Unreliablenightmare says - the sun will rise again

Also, as far as pregnancy prevention goes, that’s not just on you. He has his responsibilities there as well. It takes 2.

I'm not sure where you are but it’s a lovely day where I am. If you can you should get out and walk, it’s amazing what fresh air can do on the short term. Small steps and you’ll get there

@Summersam97 in the initials stage of pregnancy especially when it's a shock u go into fight or flight mode. You try to do what's best at that time. It might feel different now but if those feelings were to arise again u might feel the same. I got pregnant again and wanted to have an abortion again because of that flight or fight mode but because I had mentally prepared and spoke to myself I just carried on pushing through even though it was so hard with the sickness.

This is going to be tough love but you're going to have to be kind to yourself.

I felt exactly the same. I felt panic but it got quieter xx

I don’t even know what my future holds in any shape or form. I hate my life so much

@Summersam97 I don't mean this in a religious way but a human way. Talk to God ask him for forgiveness ask him to help and heal you ask him to grow that baby and look after them until u can meet them. Ask for another chance if that's what you want...and surely day by day that weight on your shoulders gets easier.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did what was best for you at the time like I did. We shouldn't have had to be in that situation but it's made us a lot stronger. I want that baby too and the baby I miscarried. I know God makes everything possible so hopefully we will meet our lost babies in heaven x

I hope it eventually makes me stronger because right now it done nothing but cause trauma in my heart and brain. I’m going to journal everyday and ask god for help