Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

You are the only person I have found beside myself to mention the physical and hormonal aftermath.
It has been a year and a half for me and my body is still broken. I don't think I can get pregnant again anymore.
I can't cope with the grief, the regret and the pain. I don't relate with the decision at all. I was so sick and the clinic manipulated me into doing it. I can't live with myself. I am dying.

@AegeanPebble I don’t understand why there’s almost a denial of the potential after effects. I don’t know whether explaining or accepting these potential consequences openly is seen as anti-choice. I don’t think it’s anti-choice to do that. I think it’s allowing women to make informed decisions. The emotional side I can only liken to postpartum depression or even psychosis for those that are badly impacted - I certainly fell under that category and even just reading about the small cross section of women on this site who are affected; we certainly aren’t alone. Like you I was extremely let down by the people who should have been taking care of me.

I assume from what you’ve said you’re hoping to conceive again soon? It’s such a minefield isn’t it. It becomes hard to believe that you can when it’s negative month after month. I think we can very easily feel defeated when we don’t conceive straight away. I hope you haven’t been put off asking for help from the health services.

It goes beyond denial, they are silencing us. I was banned from reddit for telling my experience.
Since the abortion I have not stopped going to doctors and therapists. I spend the past year and a half trying to restore my health. Ultimately I failed, but I started to ttc 2 months ago anyway. It will be hard though because my body can't make progesterone anymore. I suffer with pain?pms and my luteal phase is only 9 days. And even then my temperature doesnt stay up consistently. I am dying.
Before the previous pregnancy I had the perfect 28 cycle.😭

I feel silenced too , it’s like we made a choice so now we have to live with it and don’t say anything

I would die if someone i know found out. I am so ashamed 😭

Wow. I’m shocked that Reddit banned you. That seems extreme if all you were doing was sharing your experience.

are you able to get progesterone supplements? I’m not sure what the criteria is to qualify but surely if it’s low then your doctor would let you try?

With you saying that you would be so ashamed if anyone around you knew… do you have close friends who you’ve confided in? A mental health episode is something outwith your control and a good friend would understand and maybe help you with support that you need.

Doctor says to try for 6 cycles before trying supplement hormones. I am not very keen though, I feel like it will be the final nail to my failure to recover and another reason to regret what I have done.
I haven't confined to anyone. In real life only my partner knows. Because of the side effects, have told some doctors and I am already uncomfortable with that. I even lied to my acupuncturist. I said it was a miscarriage.
There is nothing that can be said that will make it better.

I’m going to be on my third period and I’m still having extreme mood swings and low mood like pmdd right during ovulation and then right before my period I drop LOWWWW in mood scary low

I was in constant pain the first 4 months and my periods were excruciating. I was bleeding heavily (a cup every 4 hours for a week), and the cramps started 3 days before the period and only after all the bleeding sropped the pain levels went down. A dull ache remained constantly.
That's what I wrote and got banned from reddit.

I too went through this. At 38, I planned a baby with a sperm donor after having children in a relationship. I wasn't sure about him (known donor) and had just met someone in another city I deemed more suitable just before I got pregnant. I felt pressured to go ahead despite the doubt about the first one for lack of wanting to waste another month to meet the other one (normally that wouldn't be possible due to travel but I had just come into some extra money) . Initially I was very excited and booked myself a midwife. But then I started having doubts about the suitability of my choice two weeks later despite him just being a donor. I wish I had never ever met the second one. Anyway I then started feeling trapped. Then I developed perinatal anxiety and depression but didn't know it. I was waking at 2am every morning feeling trapped and scared. I refused to look at scans and accidently got myself counselling. Not realising MSI was an abortion provider. Therefore my counselling was bias. And I didn't know it until a few sessions. They basically addressed all my fears about termination. At 8 weeks I didn't go ahead at the appt, at 12 weeks I cancelled surgical and then the surgeon cancelled on me, then I went for medical at 13 weeks and didn't go ahead with that at all. The provider automatically rebooked me at 15 weeks but decided to keep the baby and had planned to cancel the appt . I asked the donor not to initiate contact explaining anxiety and mental health but in response he then asked if he could see the baby and my anxiety hit the roof as I didn't sign up for him to become part of my life and didn't want to risk legal trouble affecting my existing kids when we don't live in the region long term , I took the tablet out of pressure and fear but changed my mind and was told at 15 weeks it would likely continue if I didn't take the second step . I started to bond with the baby . I thought it was going to be fine and heard the heartbeat twice. Four days later my water broke and I delivered the baby but thankfully did not see. It is the most stupid thing I have ever done. I Habe tried to try again every month since but have been struggling to go ahead and try with the new donor but also unable to commit to the old one because if he had left me alone as requested I'd Have got control of my anxiety and carried on with keeping the baby. I don't know if I should go back there again to try and recreate to get a sense of closure even though it's not the same child , it's the same donor , but feel like I'm dishonouring the baby going ahead with someone else. The past is keeping me back..I don't know what the answer is. Id just be grateful to get another chance and will cherish that baby before it even exists. I'm depressed. Anxious. And they need to stop downplaying the side effects. Abortions can cause serious long lasting mental health. That's the truth. And that mental health can make it harder to conceive again and try and get some sort of redemption. Im living proof. The only ones where it doesnt the people were absolutely certain of not having the baby. With no shred of doubt. Pray to god I'll get strength to let go of the past and get a second chance.

@Unreliablenightmare how are you doing now ? Did you conceive or still trying ? I'm also late 30s and started to try again .

I should note I had anxieties about the donor due to boundary pushing (he insisted on NI -sex once too which made me feel like I exploited myself and that id conceived a baby with the same person ) before I met the second one (that's why I met the second one in the first place I kept looking for someone more suitable ). It pains me so bad to think that I just wanted "a better deal" and undermined the pregnancy because of it and hate myself for that. But I don't know if that's really the case as after everything I had decided to keep the baby in the end , and the further boundary crossing from the donor tipped me over the edge, the exact behaviour that made the other person more appealing . Basically going over it all I've realised that in order to reduce these risks of horrible regretful termination is need to work on embracing and cherishing the gift that is children from the moment of conception and shutting the door hard on any negative thoughts or anxieties or challenges. Slam that door hard on anxieties face. Issues with the father. Issues with everything. Slam it all shut. Sadly these days because of woman's rights the rest of us are thrown under the bus as collateral damage for the few that don't care about children.

Hi there, I just read your post. Everything you said resonates. I did try again and I've had my baby. Nothing will ever take the pain, shame and guilt away for me but it doesn't beat so loudly for me now. It hangs in the distance. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I keep coming back to these posts everytime someone comments and I think it's to torture myself a bit. I don't want to forget my baby but I'm grateful to my baby too. If it wasn't for what I went through I wouldn't have my daughter. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. Do the counselling, it helps or at least it helped me. You'll get through this 1❤️❤️❤️

I'm definitely myself again and life was very bleak for me. It sounds ao strange but I felt like I had died and this new misery was my life now. I felt that's all I'd ever feel again. I still have a sadness for what we went through, the awful decision but my logical mind knows it wasn't my fault. I wouldn't judge a friend as harshly as I judge myself. This wasn't your fault and you will get through this. Forgiving yourself is hard though. I don't think I've managed that yet but having the baby has given me a lot. I had moments during pregnancy where i thought I'dnmade a mistake but it didn't feel as overwhelming. Not as big and not as heavy. The only support I had was people on the Internet (other than my husband who I didn't want to burden with it all as he was going through something and managing our children). If it wasn't for the few relationships on here, I wouldn't have coped. I clung on to the hope of another baby and luckily my husband agreed but life was very hard. It's not now though xx

Hi.. I am also 39 year old and can resonate with your post so much. The same thing happened to me. I am desperate to try again. I'm worried about my age. I'm 39 and 5 months. Did it take you long to conceive again ? I'm so conflicted. I used a sperm donor last time but didn't particularly get on with him that great I freaked out terminated and thought I would just move on to something that was more mentally comfortable for me ,using a known donor is a huge step. But now the issue is I've missed out on two months of trying because I cannot decide to embark with a new donor or revisit the old one despite the fact it didn't end well last time,I feel like somehow using the same DNA will offer some kind of closure particularly if it's another girl although nothing can bring the same baby back at least they'd be fully related . But then I froze when I went to organise him again. The other option is experienced and unlikely to pose any emotional challenges. I can't afford to keep wasting time I am so stuck in the past haunted by my lost child ..did you find it hard to conceive again mentally?

Hi I'm in the same boat as you. I also have hope about having another baby but also fear it will make me worse pining over the lost one .particularly if they are different genders (I lost a girl to perinatal anxiety and depression which caused me to stupidly swallow the pill ) and worry if the next baby is a boy ll still pine for the little girl I lost. All this stress won't help with conceiving. How old are you if you don't mind me asking ? I had no issues with my pregnancies before. I wonder if hormones change in the late 30s because alot of forums I've read where this has happened to people is they are also in the late 30s. I'm like you just sort of put up with my life but it'd so sad as I Habe other kids and they don't need a desperate mother.

The good thing is. You Habe plenty of time to conceive again :-) my eldest is 14 and I am trying again for a baby , any age gap is fine and closes as they get older. Yeah the thing is not long after I had the termination I started to hear about people I know who were pregnant too. A neighbour as well. And her last one was born just weeks from my youngest. Just knowing about it would have made me feel less alone at the time when I was pregnant .. I've been depressed but trying again fills me with some hope if I see two lines I will just be so grateful. Its difficult though as I have to use donors. I wish I had a man to cuddle up to every night who wants a baby too. I'm devastated but I stupidly looked at real photos of fetuses at various gestations wish I had the guts to look at these photos beforehand . I can't believe I thought it was threatening after seeing what I was actually threatened by. That helps me. Next time I'm pregnant I'll remember those little tadpoles and get a grip of myself ! I know how you feel. But it's not out fault we are victims of the society we live in handing out terminations like trips to the dentist. No questions asked.

Hey, I hope you're doing okay. This time is so very hard for you. I totally appreciate that you must be feeling awful. Try and be kind to yourself. So I had some medical issues after it all happened but after they were resolved, we fell on the first month of trying. I was very worried about my age and was telling myself that I'd missed my last chance. We're taught to believe as soon as you hit 40 your fertility falls off a cliff but it's not always true. I had some tests and ultrasounds and my egg reserve was high. I wouldn't encourage delaying but it's not the end of the road xx

@Poster57 can I ask was your abortion surgical or medical? And how many weeks? Mine was medical but had retained products so had surgery, worry will never get pregnant again 39. So much regret.

can I ask was your abortion surgical or medical? And how many weeks? Mine was medical but had retained products so had surgery, worry will never get pregnant again 39. So much regret.

@Wanted39 medical and thankfully no need for further intervention. Sorry that you had to go through that. 39 is no age though, I totally understand your fear but there’s women on these boards into their 40s who conceive. I followed all the normal ttc stuff, healthy eating, timing, certain foods etc.

I think that damage from surgical intervention is very rare. I had a miscarriage many years ago and had to have some intervention at that point. If you’re concerned though there’s no harm getting to your gp and getting on a waiting list whilst you’re still trying.

Hope things work out for you soon