Perinatal anxiety abortion

[Unreliablenightmare]

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to put something down in writing.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and had an abortion and now I can't stop crying. I regret it so so much and im heartbroken. I think i was suffering from perinatal anxiety and now I've done the worst thing. All these thoughts kept circling and i never stopped to imagine how wonderful it could be too. I'm utterly heartbroken and in so much pain. All I want is my baby back.

Nobody pressured me into it. I have two wonderful children already and a lovely supportive husband. We just kept going round and round not knowing what to do and now it can't be undone. I'm just so devastated. All the reasons that I came up seem so insignificant now and so workable. I feel so terrible that I did this to my baby. It's only been two days and I haven't stopped crying. All these awful thoughts kept going round and round and now I feel so empty and broken. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

I feel so shattered, empty and broken.

In between my two children I miscarried twice and it was the worst feeling. I went to hell and back and now I've done this. I wanted my baby, I was just so scared and that feeling took over.

I don't know what to do with myself.

@Lexaline you're right. We did try. Our family dynamics sound similar too.

I keep having to leave the room alot today as I keep crying so much. I feel so pathetic today and have literally no one who can understand all of this.

@Unreliablenightmare you aren’t pathetic at all. You are being pushed to the limit of what we can handle. Do you have any friends at all you could talk to?

I went for a walk with a friend (who doesn’t know) and it was actually helpful and gave me some relief from just being in utter turmoil stuck in my house. I didn’t want to go and didn’t think I could handle it but I’m glad I did. If you can force yourself, try to go for a walk or find someone who will go with you.

@Lexaline I'm glad a walk helped. I'm struggling to leave the house. I do the school run everyday (walking) and that's about all I can manage. I don't have anyone who would understand. I'd only told my sister and best friend about being pregnant and they just dismissed the way I was feeling. I just want all of this feeling to be over xx

@Unreliablenightmare I’m so sorry they weren’t helpful. What have you told them now?

I had my counselling appointment and it actually helped quite a lot. She gave me hope that I’ll be ok one day and that it’s going to take work but it’s possible. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow feeling just as horrendous as I did this morning but I hope I can remember that it’s possible to be ok again. So I’m hopeful for your appointment tomorrow, and if it doesn’t help don’t give up, sometimes you need to just find the right counsellor. I still wish I could go back and make the other choice. But I am not currently in physical pain and that is such a relief to feel.

That’s really good you are managing to get out, no matter how brief, it is better than nothing.

Here for you both! I've been through it all and come out the other end. The grief is always there but life has grown around the grief. I'm no longer fixated on it. It will get easier and you will be OK. Ride the waves, go through the stages of grief. Good days and bad days but you are surviving. Take the little wins and celebrate them xxx

@Lexaline I'm so glad that your counselling helped. I hope my appointment will go well today. I think I'll feel alot better when the tests are negative and hormonally I'm a bit more balanced. I think mentally and physically I feel I might be a bit stronger then.

How are you feeling today? Xx

@SJL2409 thank you. I just want to feel myself again xx

@Unreliablenightmare let me know how your appointment goes. The counsellor also pointed out that hormones are going wild right now and there is a big physiological component. Having positive tests is also just quite torturous. Is it worth waiting a week and then taking one to see if it’s negative?

I’m feeling anxious today and I can feel the feeling in my chest again, I’m trying hard to cling to yesterday’s post counselling feeling. I felt like I could enjoy my kids again.

Thinking of you and really hoping your appointment goes well.

@SJL2409 thank you so much. I was so hoping someone would comment and let us know that they’ve been through it and have survived. It’s a terrifying thought thinking about the future and how this could impact. Thank you for commenting.

@Lexaline I had the counselling. She was kind and tried to give me some perspective. A perspective that I feel I already know but hoping it will help break the cycle of negative self talk. I've had a busy afternoon which has helped and a private appointment on Friday that will help clarify if I have anything retained. Mentally the knowing will help me I think. I'm just taking it all one day at a time.

How are you? Xxx

@Unreliablenightmare I’m glad you’ve been busy and hopefully had some distractions. And hopefully the counsellor was helpful - I’m glad she was kind. That’s great you have an appointment on Friday - I think it’ll definitely help to get that piece figured out.

I am ok today, I am not feeling the physical pain right now but the sadness is settling back in and just the longing for three children. I am scared it’s never going to go away but the counsellor told me to just stop any thoughts that tell me these feelings are forever because they don’t have to be. So that is helping slightly. My daughter brought home a book from school called ‘welcome song for a newborn baby’ - couldn’t actually make these things up.

@Lexaline thank you. Yes, I need to try and make physical progress to make mental progress. She talked to me about mindfulness and being in the moment which was actually helpful and a technique to bring me back into the moment.

Your counsellor sounds good. That's helpful and it sounds like you were being really honest which is great. You honestly couldn't write it. If we weren't so depressed it would be funny. I'm so over this feeling xx

@Unreliablenightmare I know. Of all the books she could have picked. It broke my heart because I could totally imagine her picking it for a baby sibling. Every time I hear of someone having three girls it just hurts.

I’m really glad you are able to apply the mindfulness techniques and coming back to the moment - I’ve always found that really really hard. The counsellor also told me that the regret and devastation “what have I done” voice is really loud right now and I need to give it space to have its say and then slowly, and with more counselling, the other voice that was there pre termination will start to come back. That was also helpful for me.

@Lexaline I really hope it gets easier for you. Try to remind yourself that you made the decision through love. Love for your existing children and love for the baby who never came. We may have made the wrong decision but if we knew half of what we feel now then we would have never have gone through with it. That was the fear and the anxiety.

Your lovely little girl sounds like a sweet soul. That doesn't come from nowhere. You're obviously a lovely mum to both of your children and was trying to do the right thing by them. Xx

I started using this back in Sept which helped, give it a go xx

@Unreliablenightmare thank you that’s so kind of you. You’re right - the decision came from a desire to protect everyone including the baby. I was so worried about it having “older” parents and really freaking out about the future. It feels ridiculous now. But I was trying to do the right thing and so were you. Are you going to do any more counselling appointments? I really hope you feel ok when you wake up and are able to build on some of the wins from yesterday.

@SJL2409 thank you so much for the book recommendation - I’m going to check it out.

@Lexaline thank you. I will continue with the counselling. I have to try something to help get myself out of this feeling. Being distracted helps me so I need to find ways of doing that until my appointment on Friday. I'm in the office in London today (so up at 4am as I have to leave at 5 - 2 hour drive). I've been putting it off for ages so my boss is getting concerned.

I thought the same about being older and having the energy and attention for them. Obviously none of that matters now. I'm hoping that because I understand more now about why I was feeling what I felt, that I might feel differently in the future.

@Unreliablenightmare I hope your day in London goes ok and you are not too exhausted from your early start. Hopefully it provides some distraction for you.

I wrote down all my feelings in a journal before terminating and thought that documenting it all would mean I could easily go back and remember it all no problem but when I read over them I’m like why did I think this mattered?? But our brains are also having this extreme reaction and hopefully once things settle, the reaction will be less extreme. I’m having trouble trusting my own thoughts and feelings so I’m trying to not over analyse everything but it’s hard.

Anyway, I hope today is good for you. We are going to get better.

@Lexaline thank you. The journey was fine. 2 hours to think too much wasn't great but I got through it. It's likely to be a busy day which will help. (I think)

I know what you mean about the list. It's all so inconsequential now. None of the stuff matters and now we're in hell. It sounds a bit dramatic but I feel like I've died and now this is how I have to live for the rest of my life.

I want to be positive and maybe I will be after Friday. I hope I'm not making you feel rubbish xx

@Lexaline Think a few busy hours have helped and hopeful that Friday will give some good news.

@Unreliablenightmare I’m so glad the busy hours have helped. And Friday is not too far away now. It’ll be a relief just to have the appointment and feel like there is progress being made.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling you’ve died and now you have to live like this. I feel like that as well. I woke up with the physical feeling back in my chest again and the relief feelings I had from counselling are really wearing off. And the feelings of guilt are so strong. I’m going to try and do weekly counselling minimum at this point to try and survive this. My next appointment is Monday but I have to find a long term counsellor as the one I saw this week only does emergency one off type counselling. Anyway sorry for rambling on, just feeling the anxiety ramp up.

I’m really glad you’re feeling a bit better.

@Lexaline I'm so sorry. Life is difficult at the moment. I agree with having at least weekly counselling at a minimum. Someone at work announced they have a baby on the way today and I felt crushed. So sad and broken.

The pain in your chest is anxiety and it's crippling. I'm so sorry it's so hard. Is there any way you could do something that occupies your mind for a few minutes? Xx

@Unreliablenightmare oh god I’m so sorry. I’m already absolutely dreading the next baby announcement and I’m particularly terrified of someone announcing their third. Any time I hear of people having three girls it just makes me feel awful.

I feel like I was able to be distracted yesterday but today it feels much harder. I’m just trying to cling to the fact that I DID feel better after the counselling and so I KNOW it’s possible.

I’ve been reading autobiographies and that’s helpful - just something very easy to focus on.

@Lexaline this was a third baby so was quite upsetting. I can't say it was an easy day and I can't say I didn't have a cry but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be.

We're absolutely going to get through this. There were so many uncomfortable conversations about pregnancy and abortions (not relating to me) so I spent the day on high alert.

Everyone knew there was something wrong but u got through it and it wasn't a total disaster and I don't have to be back for two weeks. How are you feeling xxx

@Lexaline how are you today xx

@Unreliablenightmare well done for getting through the day - sounds like it was helpful to have a bit of a change of scenery and some busy-ness even if it was hard. Sorry about the pregnancy and abortion conversations - that’s so hard. It’s just impossible to escape. My best friend is pregnant. It’s her first, I’m trying to focus on being happy for her. But I am really scared of the next wave of pregnancy announcements.

I’m doing ok, I didn’t wake up with the physical feeling in my chest so that was good. Yesterday I read something that describes the physiological changes after an abortion and it helped - it explained that our bodies are wired to be bonded to the baby, and the hormone oxytocin remains for a while and basically the whole thing can leave you feeling very bad. This is the link: https://www.prcco.org/biological-impacts-abortion/

It helped me understand the instant shock and absolute awful feelings of total devastation. I can imagine with a medical abortion, the process could go on for longer so hopefully your appointment tomorrow will help resolve some of it. Of course, only part of how we’re feeling is physiological but hopefully this means it will start to settle a bit.

One positive I’m forcing myself to focus on is appreciating my 2 year old who I just felt like I wanted to grow up faster before (I know it sounds crazy but I was struggling with the idea of toddlers for years) and now I’m just like thank god you’re essentially still a baby. So if this whole thing can help me appreciate this phase of her life more than at least I can find one tiny positive in all of this.

How are you doing? Just one day until your appointment and that is going to feel like progress. ❤️